All in all 2013 was one of the most fantastic years of my adult life. I got to quit a suck-ass job, move out of a suck-ass city to a quaint, small town, and into a fabulous house with a pool and court yards, though it’s yet to be totally fabulous BECAUSE THE REMODEL ISN’T COMPLETE YET BECAUSE PEOPLE CAN’T BOTHER TO SHOW UP BECAUSE APPARENTLY THEY DON’T NEED THE WORK!! Erm, where was I? Oh, I’ve made new, cool friends who I get together with almost daily to run or hike or shop with. All of my animals, including Jack, are doing fine, and as you all know by now, I got to adopt an awesome dog. Yeah, life has turned into a wonderful dream, BUT no one wants to hear it, so let’s cut this kumbaya shit and get to it shall we? Here’s my list of disappointments 2013 brought me that are really just things that have always disappointed me because life is pretty sweet right now.
MY 2013 LIST OF DISAPPOINTMENTS THAT ARE REALLY JUST THINGS THAT HAVE ALWAYS DISAPPOINTED ME BECAUSE LIFE IS PRETTY SWEET RIGHT NOW.
By Laura Ledford
1. STILL no personal killer robots or flying cars! What the fuck, science? As children, we were promised these things! Dude, if I had a flying car AND a killer robot…well, let’s just say after I was finished with the hobos, watch out Kardashians. That means you too, Kanye.
2. STILL no George Clooney. Do you even want to know how long I’ve been after that man? Well, since Facts of Life, that’s how long. I don’t know how long I can continue this heartbreaking quest, he’s getting kind of old. Oh, who the hell am I kidding? Call me, Boo!
3. Murdering bitches and dumb-fucks is STILL illegal.
4. The zombie apocalypse STILL has not happened. Seriously, I. CAN. NOT. WAIT. I have researched, stock-piled, and trained for that sonsabitch. I even have a list of bitches and dumb-fucks I’m going to ”visit” as soon as the news breaks. That’s right, whether they have ‘turned’ or not- they’re going down ’cause #3 is going to be a moot point by then. Hey wait… I can add hobos, Kardashians and Kanye along with the bitches and dumb-fucks to that list and then swing by Studio City to pick up my Boo! So, the flying cars and killer robots, hell, the whole rest of this list would be moot!
So here’s to wishing us all a pandemic of epic proportions in 2014!!
Cheers, motherfuckers! Join me or die!38 Comments