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I’m really starting to believe my house was built on top of Hellmouth. | Fetch My Flying Monkeys
Everyone needs a fleet of flying monkeys to rip the stuffing out of the annoying people in their lives
— Laura

Sunday night I went to the back courtyard to get a pair of work gloves I had forgotten and left on a table. I live in constant fear of insects climbing into my gloves or shoes left outdoors and I simply couldn’t sleep thinking some spider or other creepy crawler was going to bed down and nest in them. J thinks I’m neurotic about bugs and need some sort of bug desensitizing therapy. I think J should just shut the fuck up. Anyway, I turned on the outdoor light, walked out the door, and not two steps out I saw what appeared to be a bat heading for me! I kept walking, thinking “Geeze, your sonar must be pretty off” because as weird as it sounds, I find bats adorable. I mean, all except the guano and rabies. As it got closer I saw it had multiple wings that were fanned out and that it was an odd shape for a bat. In a split second I realized it wasn’t a bat at all but a motherfucking PALMETTO BUG. That’s right, I was being attacked yet again by a gigantic flying roach. I, of course, went into my primal survival mode, or what I like to call my “French Fighting Mode.” I screamed a long blood-curdling little school girl scream and took off running for the door, all the while batting myself like I was on fire. I made it back in the house and slammed the door behind me. Even though I was pretty sure I had made it in without any contact with the hideous sonsabitch, I took a shower just to be sure.

Today the exterminators come back. I told the guy on the phone that I don’t want to see another Palmetto Bug anywhere on my property EVER.  I told them I’d pay for a damned crop duster airplane if I had to. He tried to tell me that it was impossible to get rid of them all because they live in trees and under mulch. I told him “I don’t care if Satan sends them up from the Bowels of Hell every night, I want them all dead, do you hear me? Dead! Nuke them from space if you have to.” He was quiet for a few seconds and said “Umm, we’ll be there tomorrow.”

This. This right here is what's needed.

49 Comments
 

49 Responses to I’m really starting to believe my house was built on top of Hellmouth.

  1. Kim says:

    You need Buffy the Insect Slayer!

  2. You have a point. It’s the only way to be sure.

  3. Ray says:

    Call buffy and Willow, cause after 400 million years of living through mass extinctions nothing else will stop them.

  4. Sue Dunham says:

    In fact, this is exactly what’s needed. Some nice bug eating lizards around the place.

  5. barbara says:

    I’m the same way about snakes. Even though I live in Michigan and most of them are garden snakes, I put a bounty on them, so the grandkids and neighbor kids are always on the lookout so they can make some money. And if I see one when I’m on the mower, because I will have the lawn all zig zaged up chasing one down. I lived in Texas for awhile and the reason I left was palmetto bugs.

  6. Rosie says:

    You have inspired The PBKS3000. Palmetto Bug Killing Satellite. Look for it in hardware stores, spring 2017.

  7. Jena says:

    Um were you wearing your glasses? And J can STFU is right. I too have a phobia of bugs in my gardening gloves. BEEN THERE DONE THAT AND FREAKED OUT. *crunch*

    You need to record your convos to “helpers” for us one day. We need a good laugh.

  8. Melissa says:

    Ooo you were like all mob like “I want them dead, I want their family dead, I want their house burnt to the ground”

  9. Cannon says:

    A bat!!!! Ahhaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

  10. Dobermom says:

    So what you’re saying is you live on the Hellmouth, but you ain’t no “Buffy the Palmetto Bug Slayer”?

  11. Tink says:

    My bug lady was here this morning and she,s walkin around the house going spiff here and spiff there and I’m all WTF R U DOIN…SPRAY THAT SHIT…I DON’T WANT ANYTHING IN THIS HOUSE MOVING FASTER THAN ME!!! We have had rain every day for the past 4 months so all the bugs r frigggin huge…..

  12. Centricity says:

    Well.thanks for the heads up about things nesting in your gloves. I leave my garden shoes and gloves out on the back porch all the time. YIKEEEEES!

  13. Mark12A says:

    Carry a tennis racquet wherever you go. A nice forehand will send a flying palmetto bug to the seventh circle of hell where he, she, or it belongs.

    A tinfoil hat to protect your hair from vicious insects would be a nice touch. Be sure to post photos.

  14. Oprah says:

    I was out in the back yard this past weekend with my dog… saw a snake….it was black…I screamed like a psycho woman and ran like a Mother F”"”"”…. the hub says…..was poisonous? How the he’ll do I know… it was a snake….the hub says… you look at the eyes,if they are round they r cool, if they r slanted they r NOT cool…..I said it was a fucking snake you want me to look into its eyes? The hub says well..yeah…I have locked that man out of our bedroom for 3 nights now…….

  15. Jennifer says:

    OMG I hate those things so much too. I wish they could all be killed!

  16. Nicole says:

    I would so hire a T-Rex exterminator. For the neighbors property, of course. Not mine…

  17. Cheryl Lundgren says:

    I think it’s time to take that guy’s suggestion about the home flame thrower. Light it before you start out in the dark like Ripley.

  18. Suzanne says:

    I have to share that I am apparently the first person people think to call at work when something is disgusting, smelly, hazardous/life-threating, or if someone is crying, whining or threating to sue.

    Today’s issues: mold with whining female, an unknown substance in office, mouse spotted by female who was crying, wasp-sting to head with male crying, second mold call, another unknown substance, a spider infestation, and silverfish.

    I tell you all of this because THANK MERCIFUL BABY JESUS there are no palmetto bugs in NJ. I can take all the other shit. I will send napalm and DDT.

  19. Jeffro says:

    Surely someone must be making drones that can take out palmetto bugs. You could get some that do that and take out Jehovah Witnesses as a bonus.

  20. PolishSpring says:

    Indian burial ground. Or somesuch.
    You need Winchester brothers to exorcise these flying demon spawn bugs.
    Brrr…

    ~PolishSpring

  21. Ashley says:

    re: leaving gloves out (because our roaches don’t fly so that part is not as terrifying to me as bugs in gloves all I read from this was bugs in gloves)

    J really can just shut the fuck up! I have TOO many a time left something outside and had a bug in it… Amen sistah! fight the cause of inside glove leaving!! NO GLOVES OUTSIDE!

    Other than that, though…he seems like a nice fella. Minus the lack of empathy for being ANTI-INSECT…

  22. SB Smith says:

    I’m always smacking my yard gloves against a wall and then I twist and squeeze them.
    I can hear the comments after I call in an air strike on the big roaches (if I had them).
    “Gee your yard is a desert wasteland !”
    And me smiling, “Yeah, but I got rid of all the fuckin’ roaches !”

    We have lots of field mice on our lot and every time I see one near the house, I say “Come on in the house and meet my Maine Coon….your worst nightmare.”
    Buster won’t touch the occasional scorpions inside the house(and oddly, they leave him alone), but he’s a damned good mouser.

    The mice must smell CAT when they get near the house. It’s extremely rare to have one inside at all.

    *
    That’s wonderful you’re building some ramps for Jack. I’m glad he’s continuing to improve.

  23. Kathy Kyzer says:

    I feel ya. Commenting from Newberry S.C. When I first moved to the South from the Pacific Northwest to the Carolinas (I know, I know) I had my 1st encounter with the Palmetto bug. Screw that, they’re roaches with super powers. The
    length & girth confirmed my fears. They are
    nothing but kielbasas with wing and sars.

    • Laura says:

      I didn’t believe it myself when I first moved here and people warned me about them. The very next day one flew at my head outside, attempting to murder me! I should have left the state then.

  24. Kim says:

    I have a palmetto bug the size of my hand in my house right now

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