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Why do bad things keep happening to good people? And by bad things, I mean huge, hideous bugs. And by good people, I mean me. | Fetch My Flying Monkeys
Everyone needs a fleet of flying monkeys to rip the stuffing out of the annoying people in their lives
— Laura

This morning I heard a splash like a plane had crash-landed in my pool. I ran outside to see if there were any survivors and saw what appeared to be a large bird, perhaps an eagle, struggling in the water. I grabbed the skimmer pool/net thingy and fished it out. As I heaved it out of the water and onto the side I gasped in horror and vomited right there. Well, okay, I didn’t really vomit, I just gagged a little, well okay, a lot. Anyway, then I went and got a tape measure and camera because I like to document my hell for y’all.

Ewww.

That. That motherfucker could star in a horror film. I didn’t know whether to kill it or become it’s agent. Instead I dumped it over the fence into my neighbor’s yard. I hope it doesn’t murder them because I’m pretty certain that would make me an accessory and I’m way too pretty for prison. And that would be my defense too. “Not guilty by way of being too pretty for prison, Your Honor.”  Shit, I’m doomed because 1) I think I’m the only one who thinks I’m too pretty for prison, and 2) I just know I’d get a shitty public defender lawyer because I’ve spent all my money on exterminators since moving here. Fuck. I’m going to have to cop an insanity plea. Easy enough, I can just direct my court-appointed psychiatric evaluator to this blog. I knew it’d come in handy one day.

69 Comments
 

69 Responses to Why do bad things keep happening to good people? And by bad things, I mean huge, hideous bugs. And by good people, I mean me.

  1. Barb says:

    My experience with cicadas exists only in playing Animal Crossing on my DS and even THEN, they creep me out. On the game, you find them on tree trunks and they are like, 1/4 the size of the trunk. I had no idea they were really big in real life. Oh HELL no.

  2. Jena says:

    I grew up in terror to the LARGE tan and black ones. They are a bit wider than a thumb and a bit longer. We called them King Cicadas. TERROR I tell ya! I learned to fear grabby bug legs BECAUSE OF THEM. They would NOT LET GO!

  3. MSgt B says:

    When I see a bug that size, all I can think about is that monster laying eggs under my skin, and then the eggs hatch, and little wormy bug larvae start eating their way towards my lungs.

    This generally involves me not being able to sleep for a couple days.

    And lots of showers.

  4. Sheryl says:

    Jesus H. Christ on a pony you have some hideous monster bugs around!! What kind of bug is that? I am so thankful I don’t live in “The South”. Winter up here must keep the bugs somewhat stunted in their growth.

    • Laura says:

      Yes, it never freezes hard enough or long enough to kill off these vile creatures, so they just fatten up through the winters. Either that or it’s all our nuclear waste.

  5. Rosie says:

    Did it make that annoying click/buzz sound? I have to close my windows, sometimes, because that sound is so loud, I can’t hear the TV!

  6. Alison says:

    To answer the question in your title: because you live in the South.

    I thought of you this weekend, when I went out into my front bed to pull out some of that damned kudzu that keeps winding itself around my shrubbery. I was busy trying to find my way to the root end when I realized I was INCHES from a baby-sized banana spider (ie, less than 3″ long.) I was going to brave it out, but then I looked a second time, and it was gone. Nope, nope, nopitty-nope-nope.

    I was still determined to be brave, so I moved on to the other kudzu vine I had seen, and dont you know it, I think its mama was living right next door. I bet she was pissed I disturbed her baby. She looked pissed to me, which is to say, she looked like an evil, venom-spitting spider from hell.

    The only good thing about this story is that I was able to re-verify the location of the first one before I ran to the shed for gasoline and matches.

    • Laura says:

      Or nuke it from space, just to be sure.

      I just can’t stand seeing big ol’ bugs. Regular wee bugs I’m ‘meh’ about. When I see the big ol’ honking Godzilla bugs- I just get creeped the fuck out.

  7. LusherLaRue says:

    Gee, if a blog will help with an insanity defense, I better start blogging now. You never know when you might need to assert an insanity defense. Thanks for the heads up. p.s. That bug will be causing nightmares for many nights to come. Thanks loads.

  8. Cheryl Lundgren says:

    We used to have the coolest thing when we were kids growing up on the farm…..it was this big electric bug fryer that they had outside of the kitchen at the camp. It was about 12″ thick in dead flies and we loved to sit out at night and listen to them getting zapped and see them light up as they fried. I think if I lived in the South, I’d ring all my walls with them.

    Our cicadas were behaved and stayed on the trees where they belonged and left behind those shells all over the trees. The thing we loved were those big wood ticks. We used to hit them with hammers.

    We were a fun group.

  9. SB Smith says:

    For some odd reason I never see cicadas alive…I just find their shells here and there. We do hear them, I just never see them alive.
    The shells are stuck to tree trunks, porch door frames….anywhere their little legs can get a good grasp.

    What I hate are “stink bugs”.
    http://www.wisegeek.org/what-are-stink-bugs.htm
    I don’t really know what they smell like, cause I’ve never squished/killed one. I just use something to knock them away from where I am outside.
    They look like mercenaries.

  10. Debbo says:

    So I will NEVER live in the South. When I move to a warmer place (I live in MN), it will be New Mexico. Very few bugs.

    If I lived with all those massive bugs, I’d probably build a nuclear, lead-lined, concrete-reinforced, hermetically sealed bedroom.

  11. Jess says:

    When I was a child, we’d catch cicadas, hold them to our face and pretend we were shaving with an electric razor. (I know, but I’ve never claimed to be normal)

    What creeped me out was to see this wasp, which was as big as a big cicada, swoop out of the sky, land on a cicada, sting it and carry it off to a hole high in an oak tree.

    I looked it up. It’s a cicada killer and probably a child killer if they get stung. From that point on, I stayed at least a half block from that tree.

  12. Nicole says:

    I will testify that you are too pretty for prison… for the right price, of course.

    And yeah, I’m strange. I actually like cicadas. They fascinate me for some reason. Other grabby bugs give me the willies, though. And that is one large cicada.

    • Laura says:

      Ewww. Cicadas are just too clingy and BIG.

      I may be interested one day to buy your testimony. I will let you know. Well, actually, my shitty public defender will notify you.

  13. Ali says:

    This is why I shouldn’t read your blog at bedtime.

  14. I live in the South. If you hate bugs like I do, then you would really hate them in your hair. My long hair is a bug catcher…ewwww.

  15. Shelly says:

    *shudder*. Cicadas haunt my dreams and keep my therapist in Birkenstocks. When I was a kid and lived in the desert of northern Nevada one flew straight out of its nest and into my long hair (which I had been grooming to Laura on Little House on the Prairie length for over a year). The only sounds louder than my screams were the buzzing/shrieking/maniacal chirping of the cicada’s buddies. All I remember after that is tearing around the yard like the Tazmanian Devil, trying to get it out of my hair.

    Decades later I was in Greece, sitting at a table of four and again, a cicada flew right to me and into my hair. I now know the Greek words for incontinence and “mommy, what’s wrong with that lady?”. I nearly jumped off a two story building to escape that monster.

    I guess what I’m trying to say is that if you choose to wear a giant old timey underwater diving helmet all summer, I’m in full support.

    PS. Your bravery is astounding. I would have poured gasoline into the pool and lit that sucker up.

    • Laura says:

      Ha! I have thought several times about torching the pool. Every time I open the skimmer, I brace myself. I really think Satan will send his army up from hell through my skimmer.

  16. [...] Forest, run to read the whole thing. just not at bedtime: its illustrated. you’ve been warned Share this:ShareEmailPinterestLike [...]

  17. Mark12A says:

    What a bunch of wimps.

    It only takes like TWO of those to make a sandwich. Crunchy.

  18. Mark12A says:

    Use them for floss.

  19. Tink says:

    Holy crap..I’m calling off that pool party request

  20. Yabu says:

    That’n right there is a big sumbitch.

  21. LusherLaRue says:

    Laura, please give us, your loyal readership, a sign that you are still alive. I live in fear that the gigantic hideous bugs have consumed you and Jack and everything else in your house. If you are injured, just make a noise, any noise, no matter how slight, and we will hear you and send help. Please. . . you can do it. . . you can do. . .

  22. Jess says:

    Well, now I’m worried about Jack. Take care of the little fellow and tell him he has an internet fan club. Do so with a hug. Life is scary for Dachshunds, even if they appear as ferocious dinosaur killers.

    • Laura says:

      He’s exactly why I’m not “here.” He’s carrier confined, on drugs, and I’m tending to his every need, which really, is what I always did. Ha!

  23. WORLD PEACE says:

    I am soooooo sorry to hear about Mr. Jack. Please let me know if there is anything I can do.

  24. Wildriver says:

    It’s been so long since you posted, I thought perhaps Revlon had come to their senses and you were modeling.

    All kidding aside, best wishes for you and Jack.

  25. Glen says:

    That bug was a zombie bug. Only a southerner knows about zombie bugs. They wander around screeching their lungs out until they shed their skin. At that point they graduate into vampire bugs. It is much better to kill them while they are still zombies. A flame thrower is an appropiate weapon.

  26. Mike Brown says:

    You wouldn’t happen to also go by the nickname Speeder Girl would you? I see a connection.

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