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Warning: Creating default object from empty value in /home/jimstant/public_html/fetchmyflyingmonkeys/wp-content/themes/platformpro/admin/class.options.metapanel.php on line 49 Inflation. | Fetch My Flying Monkeys
It took me three days to blow that motherfucking pool float up that much. I think I passed out four times from either hyperventilating or from the toxic fumes of the plastic. I think I burst a vein in my left eye on the last attempt. And don’t start telling me I should use an air compressor- because I don’t have one. And don’t start telling me I can fill it up at a gas station. I won’t even fill my car’s tires because of my phobia that those sonsabitches will blow up in my face. Shut. Up. I know it’s irrational, but that’s what phobias are all about. Being irrational and all fearful that shit’s gonna explode and lodge steel-belted tire shrapnel in your face. I take that bitch to the garage and ask them to rotate my tires and oh while you’re at it, make sure to check the tire pressures and if you’d be so kind to fill them up if it’s needed. That’s right. I have survival methods you don’t even know about. And get your damn dirty minds out of the gutter. Don’t go commenting about blow jobs and sexual shit exploding because I run a respectable blog here. Stop. Laughing.
Anyway, the pool’s getting shocked, sterilized with chemicals, aka chlorinated, because I can’t wait three to four weeks just for it to be pretty and I’ll be damned if my lily white-non-sun-seeing-for-decades ass ain’t going to be all up in it once I know I won’t get typhoid fever or that flesh-eating bacteria from swimming in it. I just need a floatation thingy to grab onto because I can’t swim worth a shit and also for when my gin and tonics kick in because floating face down dead in a half completed pool would be a really bad time. That is, if I even survive blowing this fucking thing up. I wonder if I can take it in for a tire rotation?
That float looks like there’s still some blowing up to do. Maybe a bicycle pump that’s manual so you won’t be worried it’ll blow up in your face.
I’m noticing what looks like a pastel blue and purple quilt folded under the right side of that float. Love the colors in that !
I don’t know if a bicycle pump will do the job- if the thingy will connect with the hose thingy. It’s just too much to think about. I’ll risk the lung collapse.
I think a bike pump is a great idea. You would also be working out your arms, making them stronger so you could carry larger gin and tonics. Or for knife throwing. You never know.
Come on, Laura. You live on HHI and can’t find a willing man to inflate your pool floatie? Seriously, you haven’t tried have you? You are up for an adventure, aren’t you?
I have exploded a tire once and it wasn’t that bad. Really! I hear ringing for a day but no lasting effects. Yes, I have inflated tires after also. I’m a dare devil like that!
Love the quilt! It’s nice to snuggle under Mom’s love. Especially when not feeling well or down.
Now get that huge ass donut inflated and burn to a crisp with your red hair and virgin skin! Your followers demand post burn photos.
I would offer to come and use natures air pump but I’m pretty sure if it springs a leak, even the liquor won’t help save ya! Maybe Jack would help out??
What? They don’t teach you how to swim in the damn Army? You should reenlist and tell them you got ripped off. Boobs help you float unless you’re face down from too much gin. Nevermind, you’ll need that float after all!
It’s the Navy and Marines that throw your ass in full gear into a pool. The Army makes you climb a tower and come down head-first in full gear. Anyway, I’m counting on my unconsciousness for my floating ability. I just hope I pass out on my back and not face down.
I’ve gone blank at the moment but there are some vacuum brands that let you bypass the dirtbag(why is that so funny) and reverse the air flow, allowing you to blow up stuff.
I’ll bet those big air mattresses self inflate or something. There’s an idea….Put a king size air mattress in the pool !
Balloons don’t scare me- it’s pumps and shit I can’t control I think. And IF I had a bicycle pump that fit the thing- I’d be alright with that. But I’m not gonna go buy one. It’ll just take me a day or two to blow this up- if I survive.
Where the HELL is J?? Isn’t that a man’s job??? To take it to the air pump at the service station?? I am glad your pool is ready! If J can’t get it done, they have little pumps made for the pools and floats and they have a foot pump or they make some small air compressors just for this, for cheap!! They have them at Wal-Mart but God knows how many hobos you would have to kill in there just to get one. Or you could hire a hooker to blow it up and then kill her!!!
I like your suggestions. J was not here. He doesn’t live here. Besides his job, as he tells it, is to make certain I don’t get any real power and take over the world. “Saving all of humanity” as he puts it. Bastard.
[...] have an intense fear of inflating tires. I wrote before that I take my car to a full-service garage for all air checks and air fills. I don’t know [...]
That float looks like there’s still some blowing up to do. Maybe a bicycle pump that’s manual so you won’t be worried it’ll blow up in your face.
I’m noticing what looks like a pastel blue and purple quilt folded under the right side of that float. Love the colors in that !
Thanks, my momma made that quilt.
I don’t know if a bicycle pump will do the job- if the thingy will connect with the hose thingy. It’s just too much to think about. I’ll risk the lung collapse.
Aw, Laura. You are a veteran. Isn’t that supposed to mean that mean you are a resourceful badass?
Suck it up</stroke, I mean, blow it up!**Be sure to wear safety goggles.
Can edit the extra “mean that” out? Jeeze. I’m not a veteran. That’s why I suck at profredding.
Ha! And I don’t? You’ve read this blog, right?
I am resourceful! I resource most of it out. Hehe.
You can’t swim? WTH?! Doggie paddle?
I can’t swim worth a shit. I even owned a jet ski once. Everyone can dogpaddle. I mean, except for quad amputees I reckon.
I think a bike pump is a great idea. You would also be working out your arms, making them stronger so you could carry larger gin and tonics. Or for knife throwing. You never know.
Oooooo knife throwing…
Maybe have some kind of big styrofoam float if there’s going to be knife-throwing. Styrofoam won’t deflate !
Like a beer cooler…
http://www.amazon.com/PoolMaster-70727-Caribbean-Floating-Lounge/dp/B0001I9ZQQ/ref=sr_1_5?ie=UTF8&qid=1374149511&sr=8-5&keywords=pool+floating+chairs
That is where you went wrong. No blowing it up means no deflating when you’re in the pool drowning and need it and two drink holders.
YES! The booze must be saved!
Are you a smoker? As in cigarettes; I already know you’re smoking hot, that is a given!
No I’m not. And yes I am : ) Ha!
Come on, Laura. You live on HHI and can’t find a willing man to inflate your pool floatie? Seriously, you haven’t tried have you? You are up for an adventure, aren’t you?
I have exploded a tire once and it wasn’t that bad. Really! I hear ringing for a day but no lasting effects. Yes, I have inflated tires after also. I’m a dare devil like that!
Love the quilt! It’s nice to snuggle under Mom’s love. Especially when not feeling well or down.
Now get that huge ass donut inflated and burn to a crisp with your red hair and virgin skin! Your followers demand post burn photos.
Ha! If I wanted to take burn pics of myself I’d walk into a church with a camera!
Now THAT is my fear! Spontaneous Human Combustion would occur immediately upon my entering a sanctuary.
It’s a real danger.
We do not want to see this…
http://thechive.files.wordpress.com/2013/07/awesomeness-27.jpg?w=500&h=666
HA! I can go skeet shooting from my float! If I could get the damn thing blown up!
I would offer to come and use natures air pump but I’m pretty sure if it springs a leak, even the liquor won’t help save ya! Maybe Jack would help out??
He’d throw me a rock I’m afraid.
What? They don’t teach you how to swim in the damn Army? You should reenlist and tell them you got ripped off. Boobs help you float unless you’re face down from too much gin. Nevermind, you’ll need that float after all!
It’s the Navy and Marines that throw your ass in full gear into a pool. The Army makes you climb a tower and come down head-first in full gear. Anyway, I’m counting on my unconsciousness for my floating ability. I just hope I pass out on my back and not face down.
use a hair dryer on cool setting. may have to improvise the connection is the inflation tube is smaller than the output area of the hair dryer.
How the hell do I connect them?
The answer to any maintenance question like that is always duct tape.
I’m all out of duct tape!
I’ve gone blank at the moment but there are some vacuum brands that let you bypass the dirtbag(why is that so funny) and reverse the air flow, allowing you to blow up stuff.
I’ll bet those big air mattresses self inflate or something. There’s an idea….Put a king size air mattress in the pool !
It’s getting too technical now.
I’m phobiaphobic…which means I’m fucking crazy and will do almost anything. You need any help, just gimmie a shout.
Be careful- I just may!
Shocking a pool is one of my favorites. I hear it and wonder how it’s done. Do they show it photos of deserts, or martian landscapes?
I will show it nekkid self-pics.
You are still fucking hysterical, and I hope you get to swim soon…. we be jelly over here… (jelly.. thats hip for Jeeeeelous)
My pool just got swim-ready!! WOOT!
LOL! I’m terrified of blowing balloons up and them bursting in my face! And yeah, I don’t fill car tires.
Balloons don’t scare me- it’s pumps and shit I can’t control I think. And IF I had a bicycle pump that fit the thing- I’d be alright with that. But I’m not gonna go buy one. It’ll just take me a day or two to blow this up- if I survive.
Laura,
Where the HELL is J?? Isn’t that a man’s job??? To take it to the air pump at the service station?? I am glad your pool is ready! If J can’t get it done, they have little pumps made for the pools and floats and they have a foot pump or they make some small air compressors just for this, for cheap!! They have them at Wal-Mart but God knows how many hobos you would have to kill in there just to get one. Or you could hire a hooker to blow it up and then kill her!!!
I like your suggestions. J was not here. He doesn’t live here. Besides his job, as he tells it, is to make certain I don’t get any real power and take over the world. “Saving all of humanity” as he puts it. Bastard.
[...] have an intense fear of inflating tires. I wrote before that I take my car to a full-service garage for all air checks and air fills. I don’t know [...]