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At this rate I will have to join the Polar Bear Club in order to enjoy my pool this year. | Fetch My Flying Monkeys
Everyone needs a fleet of flying monkeys to rip the stuffing out of the annoying people in their lives
— Laura

Yeah, I know I promised pool cleaning photos and yeah, I know you expected them days and days ago. But if you’ve been reading this blog for even a little while, you’ve realized by now that it’s full of empty promises and disappointment. And while I’m now delivering on my promise of photos, the disappointing thing is, for me anyway, that the pool is still not completed because once it was emptied and power-washed, they determined that it needs resurfacing, which the guy couldn’t do (d’er!) and the guy who can do it can’t do it for 3-4 weeks and a gunite pool, which this is, cannot sit without water in it because that motherfucker will come right out of the ground and ascend into heaven. Amen. All of this I found out as it unfolded because the company I hired to take care of all this was all “Umm, I don’t know ’nothing ’bout no gunite pool” after taking the job. See, mostly they just dig holes and put in those fiberglass pool forms, which I refer to as Human Koi Ponds.

Also, another disappointing thing is there are no photos of the alligator snapping turtle because he was scooped up in a shovel of muck, placed into a large plastic container, and whisked away to the swamp where he can enjoy the rest of his life. So at least someone got a happy ending, I mean, unless a gator eats him.

So anyway, without further ado, here are some disappointing photos of the disappointing emptying process:

Here's where they started pumping the "Cement Pond."

The line kept clogging up with hunks of gunk. Sadly, none of it was dead hooker parts.

As the bottom became visible I could see the look of "Oh shit, I should have quoted way more" on the guy's face.

Here, let me show you the bottom. It's mineral rich silt, but it looked and smelled like Satan's colostomy bag.

I think this kid got dysentery and died later that night.

But at least he got the power-spraying done first.

Ahhh, emptied with most of Satan's shit cleaned out.

Here it is being filled again so it won't pop out of the ground so that it can be emptied again and resurfaced and filled again. I'm dizzy...

Oh, and here is the GINORMOUS spider I saw taking a drink of water as the pool was being filled. He was all "Bitch, 'bout time you got me some decent drinking water instead of that nasty shit." J then stopped me from filling the pool with gasoline and setting it on fire.

Fin.

56 Comments
 

56 Responses to At this rate I will have to join the Polar Bear Club in order to enjoy my pool this year.

  1. MorningGlory says:

    I call this the “Snowball Effect” of home improvement. Happens every time. But it will all be worth it, right? Right? RIGHT?

  2. Jena says:

    DAMMIT! Now I learned something from your blog. If it isn’t a human pee pond, it will pull itself out.. wait.. what?

    anyhoo… THAT is a beneficial spider! Keep it! One time I had one that was fucking huge. Quarter size or a little larger; it was on the window and the sun hit it just right and the shadow scared the fuck outta me. The shadow was cookie size.

  3. Cheryl Lundgren says:

    Pool looks great. Wow! That was one ugly mess!!

    Actually, the pool should have a hydrostatic valve to alleviate the problem of it popping out of the ground. Fiberglass pools are more apt to do it and crack if you empty them. Of course, we drain pools all the time out here but it is as dry as hell.

    Sorry about all the technical stuff. As for the spider, it eats bugs which is a good thing and it’s not poisonous which is even better. It’s just a big old water spider. Name him (Harry?) and get over it and tell him to go eat bugs.

    • Laura says:

      Yeah, I don’t kill spiders (unless they’re climbing on me, then all bets are off)- they eat the real enemy- Palmetto Bugs.

      It’s been a wet season here- rain every day- the gunite guy, not the guy that emptied it- was all “OH MY GOD DON’T LET IT SIT EMPTY!” so we rushed to fill it, all the while expecting it to jet out like a rocket- because THAT would be my luck.

  4. Tina, Escrow Goddess says:

    The whole time I’m reading I’m thinking how lucky I am not to be paying your water bill! ISH

  5. wildriver says:

    I thought perhaps your absence of posting was due to letting your nails dry, because Revlon had contracted you for hand modeling after all this time. I mean like, it’s been a really really long time….really long……..ago since you started your modeling career, and I hoped your ship had come in ;-)

  6. Amber says:

    Your potted flowers look lovely though :)

  7. Ely North says:

    Do a favor to all your future pool-swimming guests: never show them these pictures. Or, if you’re of the sick, demented mentality (which I kind of assume you are), wait until AFTER they swim in the pool, then show them the pictures of the evils that once lied therein.

    • Laura says:

      Yeah, I don’t plan on telling them they’re swimming so close to Satan’s bumhole until after the housewarming gifts are handed over.

  8. Mark12A says:

    Where are the Laura-In-Thong-Bikini-Next-To-Pool photos?

    Or maybe goats.

  9. Maeve says:

    OMG!!!! HE WAS STANDING IN THAT NASTY SHIT!? That is so gross!!!

  10. Richard says:

    This shit gives me nightmares! We had an outdoor gunite pool where I grew up in Utah… UTAH – where it snows and freezes and turns an outdoor pool that ugly EVERY. FREAKING. WINTER. We never retrieved any dead hooker parts, but over the course of several years, I chipped at least two cats and several other creatures trapped in the up to foot-thick ice so we wouldn’t find them rotting on the BOTTOM of the pool like we did one spring.

    An unbelievable investment in teenage slave-labor, our pool was only open Memorial Day to Labor Day, and we’d have pool parties to celebrate the opening and closing each year. Dad was too cheap to get a cover for it, “what for? We’ll still have to clean it anyway!” So EVERY YEAR *I* was that barefoot kid cleaning the muck of rotten leaves, algae slime and putrefied animal corpses. But did I have a pressure washer? NOOOOoooo… There were no consumer pressure washers in the ’70′s and ’80′s. My only tools were a bucket, shovel, bristle brushes and a garden hose… THEN we had to bleach and scrub – and hope that worked, or we would also have to effing PAINT. For decades I’ve been waiting for the medical fallout from being trapped in a below-ground gunite pit with heavier-than-air chemical fumes for days or weeks on end. My only salvation was an old metal-blade oscillating fan from Mickey Spillane’s desk, set up on the edge of the pool with an extension cord that was actually several lamp-cord extensions strung together, running to a screw-in light-socket plug adapter. (Dad owned an electronics repair shop and fancied himself the next Nikola Tesla. Here’s an old B&W photo of his garage. Fortunately, he employed REAL electricians to do the paying gigs).

    Now – even though I live in the South where maintaining a pool year-round is no problem AND I own a fothermucking pressure washer – every time my wife wishes aloud that we had a pool, I retreat to a dark corner and shiver uncontrollably…

  11. Yabu says:

    I know several people who’ve fired up pools after they’d been down for years. All of ‘em…problem after problem after problem…The pool fixers, fillers, and maintenance people have the worst reputation possible, round these parts. Some say the pool business is nothing but a big scam. Having said that, once they finally get ‘em up and running, they’re doing some happy camping. Do you deal with all the people doing the remodeling, or are you doing it yourself? One of my friends hired a friend fresh outta prison as “point man”. He did 17 years for rope dealing, because he wouldn’t roll over on his people. He learned a lot behind bars. Something to think about…gotta have a good point man.

  12. Sophia says:

    I think I saw potatoes growing in that shit! Maybe that’s what the turtle was surviving on.

  13. Janie Jones says:

    Wow. It sucks you can’t use the pool yet, but those dudes do seem to have done a pretty good job making a cesspool look inviting. Well the first clean pool pix looks inviting, not so much the one with the spider. No chance of hiding dead hookers in there now, no sir.

  14. Pop out of the ground, eh? And when they come back, they’ll tell you it can only be resurfaced with left-handed, gold-infused, concrete made with sand from bottom of the Blue Grotto…to keep the spiders away, don’t you know.
    So you may want to chain one of them to the drain before refilling. Just sayin’.

  15. OneCrazedChick says:

    I was beginning to wonder if perhaps you had accidently left behind some DNA evidence and the pool guy was blackmailing so you couldn’t post the pictures.

  16. But you can sit out beside it and drink, right? Just like a big ol’ alcoholic spider.

  17. SB Smith says:

    Well, this confirms what I’ve always suspected. That having an in-ground pool is way more hassle than I’d want – whether it was concrete or gunite. Cause I’m the one who’d get the job of maintaining it by myself while J. would always be busy.
    Wow, never heard of the gunite before.
    This post and the comments have been the best laughs of the day, but I really loved your idea of filling the pool with gasoline and setting it on fire….Well, certainly that would kill off any bacteria left behind !…A bit counter-productive, though. :-D
    The snow-balling effect is what I call a domino effect when starting projects, and also Murphy’s Law. Murphy lives at our house but he must have cloned himself cause I have friends who say he lives at their houses as well.
    Hope the pool doesn’t jet out of the ground while it’s being re-surfaced !
    Spiders outside the house I leave alone…..Inside, not so much.
    You know there are roaches some people call “water-bugs”….like they’re some innocent little Ladybugs. “It’s just a water bug”.
    I’m going, “NO !…It’s a Fucking ROACH and it HAS to DIE !”
    I hope they stay out of your pool !
    Is that another name for palmetto Roaches ?
    I don’t know !

    • Laura says:

      All roaches, including Palmetto Bugs, should die. I don’t know what people call water bugs. Water bugs to me are those lil twirly bugs that flit around onto of water. And I don’t mind spiders at all if they are small. It’s big bugs that creep me out the most.

      I will just be happy when I can get in my pool. Am planning on converting it to salt water next year.. But we will see. And yes, I have a feeling a lot of things will go wrong in the remodel. Sigh.

  18. Jeffro says:

    The before pics looked like you could go noodling in there and catch a big ol’ slimy cat.

  19. LyleLovett666 says:

    I have to admit I thought this was taking an exciting turn when you started talking about snapping turtles & happy endings. Not nearly enough turtle porn out there.

  20. mhm says:

    You should PebbleTec instead. So much nicer and lasts a lot longer.

  21. Isherwood Wildwalker says:

    Is refinishing the surface just a cosmetic fix, or is there an underlying problem with the pool surface that requires refinishing before using it?

    Heck, I’d just throw some chlorine in there and jump on in!

  22. Nicole says:

    That there is a lubbly pool. Even with a spider.

  23. ManhattanMaven says:

    Really?? I’ve never heard of a salt water pool. What’s the advantage over chlorine? It’s looking really good though…as I was scrolling down i wasn’t really hopeful…but DANG…it looked great by the end.

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