Everyone needs a fleet of flying monkeys to rip the stuffing out of the annoying people in their lives
— Laura
I haven’t completely ignored this site, I’m still posting ‘Links To Enjoy’ over there on the sidebar almost daily, it’s just my days are flying by so fast that I haven’t had time to actually sit down and document any of my crazy. Yeah, it’s weird, I always thought if you weren’t “working” some 9 to 5 or whatever job that time would just drag. But I think that’s just another fallacy ”The Man” plants in your brain to keep you chained to your suck-ass job. The fact is, time does indeed fly when you’re not watching a clock praying for quitting time or death, whichever comes quickest. The closest thing I come to that now is waiting to see if the architects, kitchen designers, carpenters, and masons show up. Oh, and dare I say, the pool people. Yes, my pool is still a pond, and yes, they have now set an official date (next Monday) to drain and clean and fix it instead of just saying “We’ll try to work you in, now stop calling us.” And yes, I will film and/or take photos of the event because I know y’all are curious about what the hell is in there. I just hope it’s not like the pool in the first Poltergeist movie. Or do I?
I would so invite the Bunch O'Bitches I used to work with to my pool party. "Marco Pollo this, bitches!" and then shove them in.
Anyway, I just wanted to tell all my loyal, die-hard readers that I’ll be back to boring y’all with my crazy-ass tales soon, but for now I’ll just bore you with a couple iPhone pics of a few of the flowers I’ve planted and if you have not said “Fuck this shit” and clicked out before the end, be sure to take my shitty poll on what color Crapemyrtle tree I should plant in the side flower bed. I have a huge flower bed all along the front and side of the house that now just has a few boxwood shrubs in it. Oh, and did you know I have an iPhone? Well, I do. And a pool full of dead people who weren’t relocated to a new cemetery when this neighborhood was built. Okay, that’s not confirmed. Yet. *Crosses fingers*
Now feast your eyes on these:
I know it just looks like I threw a tray of petunias in a pot, but I did so much more. I had to add dirt.
I made this. Well, okay, I didn't make the pot, Chinese people in a clay pot factory did. And I didn't make the flowers, God or Baby Jesus or Mother Nature did. BUT I did "put" them in the pot and added dirt.
Now take my shitty poll and if you do well here I’ll let y’all help me decide other important things, like wall color and what kind of wooden floors I should get. Because everyone should let strangers on the Internet who have no vested interest make decorating decisions for them.
P.S. I can for a fact state that now that I don’t have to look at their back-stabbing, mouth-breather faces, I do not think of the Bunch O’Bitches EVER, unless I’m thinking about who I would push into a pool of dead bodies.
P.P.S. Happy Independence Day!
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70 Responses to This entry has everything. An update, dead bodies, flower pictures, and a shitty poll so you can feel like part of the process.
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I voted for purple magic because it will “pop” against the color of your brick and well you can’t have any decor now that doesn’t “pop”. Also because I have been up 3 hours too early and it was the first choice! Ha! Happy 4th, try not to blow up anybody, well except zombies and clowns, oh and especially zombie clowns!!!
I do like things that “pop.” Or “bangs.” Or “KAPOWS!”
I love those planters and I voted for purple tree!
So far purple is ahead…but it’s still early.
If you clean up the pool, where will you throw your dead hookers?
That’s for me to know and the authorities to find out.
In the shopping center near me, they have BLOOD RED crepe myrtles. BEAUTIFUL.
Now the pool… I seem to remember reading that they used real skeletons because it was cheaper. But Im too lazy to look it up to confirm this.
That’s true, they did use real skeletons. It would suck if there was only plastic ones in my pool.
I have seen the red ones. They are beautiful, but where I’m putting my Myrtle- there will be a Japanese Red Maple by it, so I wanted something different and striking. Most people in this hood have pink or white ones. The coral (though you can’t really tell it by that pic) is really standout-ish. But I will go with what my people vote in : )
well I did vote for purple… but now that you said that about my favorite fucking tree… yea, the coral would be stunning!!
These two are my fave of all the myrtles.
They have a bi-colored tree!! http://www.google.com/imgres?sa=X&biw=1600&bih=785&tbm=isch&tbnid=dlsNdR5SdC4QUM:&imgrefurl=http://crapesinbloom.locallygrown.net/market/index/57379%250D%250A&docid=v2SZWlhZV1UoMM&imgurl=http://crapesinbloom.locallygrown.net/files/product/image/76379/original/BiColor.jpg%253F1350616983&w=372&h=321&ei=C4fVUdu1OKPL0gGog4DQBQ&zoom=1&ved=1t:3588,r:1,s:0,i:84&iact=rc&page=1&tbnh=188&tbnw=204&start=0&ndsp=29&tx=100&ty=77
and of the purples… I like the light lavender color the best.
BUT the purple is more vibrant than the lavenders.
It would be so cool if they had a red white and blue tree. I would get that for sure.
I like the coral, but the purple is gorgeous, too. I’ll be praying your cemetery thing turns out awesome. I’m a giver that way.
How can cemeteries with rising dead people be anything but awesome?
Yeah, I like both colors too.
If there had been an option for both, I would have voted that you put in one of each. As it is, I voted purple because apparently I just follow whatever crowd wanders in here. I’m not sure if that’s good or bad…
I’d probably worry if I were you. Ha!
Now I’m voting for coral because I believe in the underdog. Go, coral!
Hey, Laura, I didn’t know you had an iPhone.
I do! And I love it!
I just may have to get a coral one for the backyard : )
I picked the purple because I like purple. Love the plants in the Chinese-made container although it does look like clay and I thought those were made by Mexicans. It boggles the mind at what those people must work for if they can make them in China, haul them across the ocean and sell them at Walmart for $5.00.
As for the skeletons, I would so more like to see one of those zombies from The Walking Dead like the one in the well just sitting at the bottom of your pool by the drain. That would be awesome.
Have a lovely sparkly loud 4th of July!!
Oooooo a zombie just sitting there, waiting. That would be awesome. “Brainnnnnsss! *gurgle gurgle* “Sorry buddy, we’re all out of them here.”
Happy 4th to you! I’m going to yet again another picnic! Woot!
Another picnic??
How many cupcakes are left? Honestly?
No cupcakes! I was having to run 10 miles a day to wear the cupcake fat off my ass! So instead I made potato salad! Now I’ll just have to run 5 miles a day.
Had to go with coral because it’s closer to VoodooDeadBitchesGushingBlood Red. That’s my favorite.
Happy 4th.
Ha! Happy 4th to you too! And I would so buy a tree named that, poll or no poll.
I picked purple because you never heard of “Royal Coral Magic.” I like purple and I like the sound of “Royal Purple.” Royal Purple. Yeah.
Royal Coral does kinda have a ring to it though…
I’m just wondering if I can invite the bunch o’bitches from MY former job to play marco polo in your dead-people pool….
The more bitches filling it up the better! Ha!
You can only have crape myrtles if you swear to NEVER, EVER, EVER commit “crape murder”. (Google it if you don’t know what hat is.)
Just remember, crape myrtles are TREES, not shrubs. Check the size parameters on your selections’ labels and choose ones that fit the space you intend them for. Then prune as you would any tree – which usually doesn’t include pruning out the entire crown as crape murder does!
Crape murder should be a crime!
I would never commit crape murder! And the space will take a semi-dwarf nicely!
Color depends on your brick color.
My brick is in that one shot of the clay pot.
I think you should shove one of the Bitch Bunch into the pond just to see. Then if there aren’t any reanimating dead skeletons, at least she’ll be covered in scum and turtle poo
Ooo or maybe that flesh eating bacteria…
Happy Independence Day, Laura! Thank you for having been part of the process of keeping our country free. And for blogging about the cray-cray that floats around inside your brain. Give my regards to Jack.
I am glad you enjoy my crazy. And you’re welcome.
I went with the coral it just seemed pretty. I like the purple but it’s so over used lately so I went against the grid…. I know what you will find in the pool “Dead Hobo Zombies” waiting to be released………… Do you have your bike fixed and ready?
NO! I still need to have an attachment welded to my frame for a shotgun!
Better get that fixed before you drain the pool.
Happy 4th Laura and give Jack and all the others a big hug. Can’t wait to see Jack’s party outfit.
AND today’s his birthday!! He’s a Yankee Doodle Dawgie!
How about a DEAD myrtle? While colorful to the eye, they are a damned mess and Japanese beetles love them.
Glad that you are settling into the new beach lifestyle.
NOOO don’t tell me that!! My nabes all have a shitload of them!
I’m liking the coral. It’s warm, rich and tropicalish and it would match my nail polish.
That’s good enough reason right there.
I voted for the purple crape myrtle, due to the color of your brick. It will contrast, as oppose to blend in, which is what I’ve personally observed in my travels.
Your welcome. I bet you didn’t think I had an eye for landscaping, which I don’t but I can bullshit with the best.
With those bullshittery skills I know some place you can work in management. I mean, as long as you don’t care about kissing some psychotic bitche’s ass to keep your job. AND no, that’s not me…. I don’t go on for ass kissing.
me neither on the ass kissing, probably why I still have not retired to Fiji
I hope you save any turtles, fish or sea-monsters that the pool people find! Get a really big aquarium, just in case!
No, no, no, I won’t be keeping any- they will be taken down to a creek and released.
I would like to thank @Jena.. Those are awesome. Im there! ordering now……Thanks
Purple is winning because all the women are voting for purple. Bitchez luv purple, I’m told.
HA! That seriously made me laugh.
Hell, I dig flowers period, all kinds and colors. I’d plant both of ‘em. As for hardwood floors, I prefer dark over light. Mine are dark.
Ya know, I like dark floors too BUT there’s not as much light as one would hope so I may be going with more of a medium. I will post choices when I get to that point. I know people can hardly wait!
Sounds like the place is shaping up. I always put in flowers first so I had something to kill while I was working on the rest of the place.
Well, I’ll get the tree and wait for fall. That’s what most people do, especially with myrtles because they do so well in containers. Listen to me! It’s like I’m an expert now!
Well, I votes 127 times for Coral and then It would not let me vote anymore…. so theres that….
Ha! What the hell?
I have a lavender one that I love but now Im going to go get a coral one. I love it….
The coral one is stunning. BUT it looks like the purple wins! So purple it will be. (Coral one for the back.)
I like the Crimson or the Carolina Reds. Beautiful
But everyone has them here.
Thats because they are stunning…..
But I wanna be different!
IT STILL WONT LET ME VOTE. IT SAYS IT DETECTED SUSPECIOUS ACTIVITY AND WONT LET ME VOTE. NO PURPLE… NO PURPLE. NOT PURPLE……
Well, now you just look crazy.
Awesome planters! I missed the poll as I unfortunately was traveling over the holiday weekend and internet was dodgy at the budget motels I was at. Probably too many people were downloading porn. Anyway, I would have voted purple.
Purple won!