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Bitch and Moan Week Continues. | Fetch My Flying Monkeys
Everyone needs a fleet of flying monkeys to rip the stuffing out of the annoying people in their lives
— Laura

I’m sleeping better than I have in over ten years. No more insomnia, no more waking in the middle of the night screaming from night terrors, dreaming about having to go back to work the next day with the Bunch O’Bitches fucktards. Now I sleep like a rock. A rock that dreams of having a delightfully cool, crystal-clear swimming pool. That’s right, my pool is still a pond.

Remember this picture? Yeah, the pool still looks like this.

I was going to wait until the soffit fascia and new roof were put on to have it emptied, cleaned, resurfaced, and filled so that all the shit and debris wasn’t falling into it, but I don’t think I can stand it much longer. It’s not that having a cement pond bothers me all that much. I put mosquito dunks in it to keep it from becoming a malaria-sponsored cesspool, and I kind of like the frogs and turtles, and it’s hidden pretty much behind the house. No, what drives me to get it swim-ready is every morning I go for a two hour run/walk/limp/crawl and by the time I am done I am literally drenched in sweat and about to die and all I can think about is how wonderful it would be to fall into a sparkling clean, cool pool. Man, just typing that made me close my eyes and smile, because guess what? Summer has arrived and settled in the South and it’s that time again.

Summer motto: "Fuck it's hot."

I thought moving closer to the coast would bring some relief from the heat. Was I ever wrong. And I don’t give a shit what anyone says, the humidity is the what makes our summers the worst. I am always in a perpetual state of sweat and dehydration. If you think I’m kidding about the heat/humidity thing, here’s proof when I checked the weather online Sunday at 7:30 in the morning!

It's not the heat, it IS the humidity. And wow,look! The clouds and rain dropped the "feels like" temps two degrees! Someone get me a sweater!

AND the real summer hasn’t even settled in. Yes, it gets way hotter and way muggier. I am totally expecting to check the weather next week and see this:

You have to carry a squirt water bottle with you just to put out the fires.

AND I’m not even kidding.

49 Comments
 

49 Responses to Bitch and Moan Week Continues.

  1. Jena says:

    wuss. we’ve been in the 90′s already. we even hit the 90′s in April and May a few times. it’s not the heat, it the fucking wet wool blanket called HUMIDITY! With my asthma steam and HUMIDITY is BAD. I gape like a fish and become a mouth breather/ air gulper.

    btw… that sure is a nice view!

    • Laura says:

      You’re a wuss. You need to start breathing right. Ha! Oh, and it’s been well above 90 here starting in April, that was the temp in early morning and with cloud cover.

  2. Maeve says:

    Yuck! I grew up in MI and as much as I miss my home state, I don’t miss the humidity in the summer (although I know it doesn’t get any where near as bad as you have it). I also am no longer missing the snow. I’m too old to be shoveling that shit any more.

  3. Dobermom says:

    I long for the day I too can sleep better. It’s a little better now that I can work from home 3 days a week, but now instead of hating Mondays, I hate Tuesdays & Wednesdays when I actually have to put on “real” clothes and drag my sorry ass into the office, and be sociable and stuff.

    Ever wonder how many bodies might be in the bottom of your cement pond? Bwahahahaha!!!

  4. What the SHIT??? A clown on the header????

    ^^^ Pretty much the only thing I can bitch about right now.

  5. Jeffro says:

    It got to 106 here in Western Kansas yesterday. But it was a dry heat. So we have daily fire alert warnings.

  6. Liz says:

    Move to Wisconsin. You can bitch non-stop about the weather. I HATE it. It’s not nearly as hot here in the summer but the winter? We’ve got cold that will freeze your ass off. And snow? I’m so over that. Some day. . . I’ll move someplace warm (but not hot enough to burst into flames mind you!).

  7. Rosie says:

    Ugh! I HATE humidity! Everything else could be perfect, but if it’s humid, it’s all ruined! Like this morning in Chicago: 66 degrees (F) Mostly Sunny — so far wonderful, right? But, no — 96% humidity!!! Aurowrggggh!!!

  8. gatorgirl4325 says:

    You speak the TRUTH about the humidity. A sea breeze helps, but good LAWD…….the humidity sucks the life right out of you. My personal fave – the days it is too oppressive to even GO to the pool…

  9. Diana says:

    I live in Arizona and smugly thought that if I could take the occasional 120 heat here, the humidity would be no problem. (Visited the south last spring to see my son graduate from the army.)

    I thought I. Would. DIE. Every day. Humidity is the real killer.

  10. Yabu says:

    Cool Pool, but they can be a bitch to maintain if you ease up for one second. Don’t get me wrong, I’d take the pool in a heartbeat. On a side note, learning to swim is 99% mental. It’s really in your genes, you just don’t know it.

    Humidity really doesn’t bother me, and it’s good for you. I’d rather have humidity than cold ass to the bone wet weather.

    My best to Jack.

  11. Laura, you need some large animal skeletons and a few human hands, skulls strategically placed in your pond for the full La Brea Tar Pit effect.
    Neighbors will bring relief gin.

  12. Nicole says:

    Agree. Humidity is the suck.

  13. Jan says:

    Did I mention that a lovely gentle cool rain fell this afternoon and it’s currently 64°F with 49% humidity? Pacific NW FTW!

    \o/

  14. untbunny says:

    Humidity is a bitch! It is wonderful to hear you are enjoying life now.

  15. Debbo says:

    Jan is right about Pacific Northwest. Lived there a year and loved it! I also love northern New Mexico and Arizona. No humidity. I love deserts! Right now I live in Minnesota. Weather Sucks Here! The worst of everything! Except cool culture and vibe.

  16. Janie Jones says:

    I am totally jealous that you dumped the Bunch o’ Bitches and are now living the good live in your dream home, even if it’s still under renovation. You are my hero. You are my shining example that good things can happen to psychopaths, I mean good people. May I some day be so lucky.

    On the other hand, I am so totally not jealous of your heat and humidity. There’s a reason why I live in the Great White North. I may have snow, but, I’ll take 10 feet of snow any day in exchange for mercifully short summers where humidity is only a problem about 2 months out of the year.

    • Laura says:

      “good things can happen to psychopaths” HA! I enjoy being a psychopath!

      I would love to live in a place with no humidity, but I don’t want to have to drive in snow with all the other bad drivers.

  17. Jess says:

    Swimming pools are nice, but persnickety. A rain shower, it gets cloudy, so you have to shock it and then the chemicals turn your hair green…..which is better than melting in the high humidity.

  18. PolishSpring says:

    I’m so glad you’ve escaped beavertainted hell infested with bunchabitches.
    If i had any other option, I’d not go back to my own version of it, alas, bunchabitches has me by the bills.

    Living vicariously through you for now.

    ~PolishSpring

  19. LusherLaRue says:

    Cement ponds rock. Move your psychopathic behind and all of your animals out to Utah. No humidity to speak of, all the outdoor recreation you will ever want within a 1-hour drive or less, lots of gin, and these days (thanks to non-existent global warming), the winters are pretty durn mild. Didn’t even have to shovel any snow this last winter. So happy that you are happy and enjoying life. Kiss all your animals for me.

    • Laura says:

      But will I have to become a Mormon? If so, do I get the magical underwear?

      • LusherLaRue says:

        You do not have to become a Mormon. Plenty of Non-Mormons out here. You can if you want, but it is not required. If you do, then you can ask about the magical underwear.

        • Laura says:

          So I gotta wait until after?

          • LusherLaRue says:

            Yes, after you become a Mormon, you then have to be approved by your local church leader before you can get magical underwear. And to get approval, you have to stop the booze and non-marital sex and pay 10% of your income to the church. You can keep your cement pond, pets and circus peanuts, but your gin and fun times with J have to go.

            Weather today: 91 degrees and 9% humidity. Strong breeze out of the Southwest.

          • Laura says:

            Ummmm I’m gonna have to stick with my humid state and forgo on those magical undies.

  20. Harbqll says:

    What, no pool boy?

  21. SB Smith says:

    We’re already in the upper 90′s with the humidity in the upper 80′s. In other words, IT SUCKS OUTSIDE.
    Oh, I forgot to mention NO WIND on too many days. This is why I have a serious, industrial, floor fan on the back porch. At least I can move the Hot Humid Air around while I’m on the glider after the sun sets. Oh, and we must use mosquito spray cause now, besides West Nile virus, a mosquito bite can cause a food allergy to Beef ! How the Hell did that come about ?…..
    Laura, why not get one of those huge lifelike T-Rex’s that you can put in the middle of the pool after cleaning it out ?
    That would Look Soo cool.
    Put some mirrored “cop” shades on him and periodically change out different Gimme Caps on his head.

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