Everyone needs a fleet of flying monkeys to rip the stuffing out of the annoying people in their lives
— Laura
I’m sleeping better than I have in over ten years. No more insomnia, no more waking in the middle of the night screaming from night terrors, dreaming about having to go back to work the next day with the Bunch O’Bitches fucktards. Now I sleep like a rock. A rock that dreams of having a delightfully cool, crystal-clear swimming pool. That’s right, my pool is still a pond.
Remember this picture? Yeah, the pool still looks like this.
I was going to wait until the soffit fascia and new roof were put on to have it emptied, cleaned, resurfaced, and filled so that all the shit and debris wasn’t falling into it, but I don’t think I can stand it much longer. It’s not that having a cement pond bothers me all that much. I put mosquito dunks in it to keep it from becoming a malaria-sponsored cesspool, and I kind of like the frogs and turtles, and it’s hidden pretty much behind the house. No, what drives me to get it swim-ready is every morning I go for a two hour run/walk/limp/crawl and by the time I am done I am literally drenched in sweat and about to die and all I can think about is how wonderful it would be to fall into a sparkling clean, cool pool. Man, just typing that made me close my eyes and smile, because guess what? Summer has arrived and settled in the South and it’s that time again.
Summer motto: "Fuck it's hot."
I thought moving closer to the coast would bring some relief from the heat. Was I ever wrong. And I don’t give a shit what anyone says, the humidity is the what makes our summers the worst. I am always in a perpetual state of sweat and dehydration. If you think I’m kidding about the heat/humidity thing, here’s proof when I checked the weather online Sunday at 7:30 in the morning!
It's not the heat, it IS the humidity. And wow,look! The clouds and rain dropped the "feels like" temps two degrees! Someone get me a sweater!
AND the real summer hasn’t even settled in. Yes, it gets way hotter and way muggier. I am totally expecting to check the weather next week and see this:
You have to carry a squirt water bottle with you just to put out the fires.
AND I’m not even kidding.
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49 Responses to Bitch and Moan Week Continues.
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wuss. we’ve been in the 90′s already. we even hit the 90′s in April and May a few times. it’s not the heat, it the fucking wet wool blanket called HUMIDITY! With my asthma steam and HUMIDITY is BAD. I gape like a fish and become a mouth breather/ air gulper.
btw… that sure is a nice view!
You’re a wuss. You need to start breathing right. Ha! Oh, and it’s been well above 90 here starting in April, that was the temp in early morning and with cloud cover.
Yuck! I grew up in MI and as much as I miss my home state, I don’t miss the humidity in the summer (although I know it doesn’t get any where near as bad as you have it). I also am no longer missing the snow. I’m too old to be shoveling that shit any more.
Snow is nice to look at for about a day- which is as long as we ever really had it here. I miss the winter temps though.
I long for the day I too can sleep better. It’s a little better now that I can work from home 3 days a week, but now instead of hating Mondays, I hate Tuesdays & Wednesdays when I actually have to put on “real” clothes and drag my sorry ass into the office, and be sociable and stuff.
Ever wonder how many bodies might be in the bottom of your cement pond? Bwahahahaha!!!
Yes I do! But shhhh….I don’t have to bury the dead hookers anymore.
What the SHIT??? A clown on the header????
^^^ Pretty much the only thing I can bitch about right now.
Clowns are evil. Everyone should bitch about them.
It got to 106 here in Western Kansas yesterday. But it was a dry heat. So we have daily fire alert warnings.
Unless you hydrate.
My fat content probably prevents hydration as a fire preventative. And God has decided that hydration of the country is right out.
When God throws a lightning bolt at me now, I’ll probably burn like a candle. Or is that Zeus that tosses the bolts?!?
I would fry like bacon.
Move to Wisconsin. You can bitch non-stop about the weather. I HATE it. It’s not nearly as hot here in the summer but the winter? We’ve got cold that will freeze your ass off. And snow? I’m so over that. Some day. . . I’ll move someplace warm (but not hot enough to burst into flames mind you!).
So far the best weather I have come across in the US is California.
Ugh! I HATE humidity! Everything else could be perfect, but if it’s humid, it’s all ruined! Like this morning in Chicago: 66 degrees (F) Mostly Sunny — so far wonderful, right? But, no — 96% humidity!!! Aurowrggggh!!!
Makes me melt into a sweat puddle.
You speak the TRUTH about the humidity. A sea breeze helps, but good LAWD…….the humidity sucks the life right out of you. My personal fave – the days it is too oppressive to even GO to the pool…
Oh I know those days oh so well. Even pools heat up.
I live in Arizona and smugly thought that if I could take the occasional 120 heat here, the humidity would be no problem. (Visited the south last spring to see my son graduate from the army.)
I thought I. Would. DIE. Every day. Humidity is the real killer.
YES! Someone admitting it IS the humidity!
EVERY. DAY. until “winter.”
Cool Pool, but they can be a bitch to maintain if you ease up for one second. Don’t get me wrong, I’d take the pool in a heartbeat. On a side note, learning to swim is 99% mental. It’s really in your genes, you just don’t know it.
Humidity really doesn’t bother me, and it’s good for you. I’d rather have humidity than cold ass to the bone wet weather.
My best to Jack.
What humidity does give you is good skin with less wrinkles.
I can not wait to have my pool fixed!
Jack has his life vest ready.
Laura, you need some large animal skeletons and a few human hands, skulls strategically placed in your pond for the full La Brea Tar Pit effect.
Neighbors will bring relief gin.
Or call the cops. The sonsabitches.
Agree. Humidity is the suck.
Did I mention that a lovely gentle cool rain fell this afternoon and it’s currently 64°F with 49% humidity? Pacific NW FTW!
\o/
I CAN’T HEAR YOU LALALALALALALALALALA!
Humidity is a bitch! It is wonderful to hear you are enjoying life now.
I really, really am.
Jan is right about Pacific Northwest. Lived there a year and loved it! I also love northern New Mexico and Arizona. No humidity. I love deserts! Right now I live in Minnesota. Weather Sucks Here! The worst of everything! Except cool culture and vibe.
I want all those things!
I am totally jealous that you dumped the Bunch o’ Bitches and are now living the good live in your dream home, even if it’s still under renovation. You are my hero. You are my shining example that good things can happen to psychopaths, I mean good people. May I some day be so lucky.
On the other hand, I am so totally not jealous of your heat and humidity. There’s a reason why I live in the Great White North. I may have snow, but, I’ll take 10 feet of snow any day in exchange for mercifully short summers where humidity is only a problem about 2 months out of the year.
“good things can happen to psychopaths” HA! I enjoy being a psychopath!
I would love to live in a place with no humidity, but I don’t want to have to drive in snow with all the other bad drivers.
Swimming pools are nice, but persnickety. A rain shower, it gets cloudy, so you have to shock it and then the chemicals turn your hair green…..which is better than melting in the high humidity.
I would gladly have green hair.
You with green hair would be hot. The green chicks on Star Trek really light my fires. Humidity or not.
Air conditioning rocks.
And I’m not quite completely psychopathic. Yet.
Ha!
I LOVE air conditioning. I live in mortal fear of the air conditioner breaking.
I’m so glad you’ve escaped beavertainted hell infested with bunchabitches.
If i had any other option, I’d not go back to my own version of it, alas, bunchabitches has me by the bills.
Living vicariously through you for now.
~PolishSpring
For noe. Just work towards the goal of getting away from the bitches.
Cement ponds rock. Move your psychopathic behind and all of your animals out to Utah. No humidity to speak of, all the outdoor recreation you will ever want within a 1-hour drive or less, lots of gin, and these days (thanks to non-existent global warming), the winters are pretty durn mild. Didn’t even have to shovel any snow this last winter. So happy that you are happy and enjoying life. Kiss all your animals for me.
But will I have to become a Mormon? If so, do I get the magical underwear?
You do not have to become a Mormon. Plenty of Non-Mormons out here. You can if you want, but it is not required. If you do, then you can ask about the magical underwear.
So I gotta wait until after?
Yes, after you become a Mormon, you then have to be approved by your local church leader before you can get magical underwear. And to get approval, you have to stop the booze and non-marital sex and pay 10% of your income to the church. You can keep your cement pond, pets and circus peanuts, but your gin and fun times with J have to go.
Weather today: 91 degrees and 9% humidity. Strong breeze out of the Southwest.
Ummmm I’m gonna have to stick with my humid state and forgo on those magical undies.
What, no pool boy?
Not yet. It’s still a pond.
We’re already in the upper 90′s with the humidity in the upper 80′s. In other words, IT SUCKS OUTSIDE.
Oh, I forgot to mention NO WIND on too many days. This is why I have a serious, industrial, floor fan on the back porch. At least I can move the Hot Humid Air around while I’m on the glider after the sun sets. Oh, and we must use mosquito spray cause now, besides West Nile virus, a mosquito bite can cause a food allergy to Beef ! How the Hell did that come about ?…..
Laura, why not get one of those huge lifelike T-Rex’s that you can put in the middle of the pool after cleaning it out ?
That would Look Soo cool.
Put some mirrored “cop” shades on him and periodically change out different Gimme Caps on his head.
I would love that. So will my neighbors : ) Ha!