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My life is so much better since quitting my job and moving. But this hasn’t stopped me from bitching and complaining. Au contraire mon frère! So I’ve declared this week “Bitch and Moan Week” and shall be posting whiney-ass entries. You’re welcome. | Fetch My Flying Monkeys
Everyone needs a fleet of flying monkeys to rip the stuffing out of the annoying people in their lives
— Laura

You know what moving closer to the coast brought? BUGS. Not only bugs, but BIGGER BUGS. That’s right, GIGANTIC PALMETTO BUGS. Huge flying cockroaches. Larger and MEANER than the ones I left behind in Columbia.

It's like I moved closer to a nuclear reactor, not the ocean.

I saw one in my studio late last week that was as large as my hand. Seriously, AS. LARGE. AS. MY. HAND. I saw it, screamed a high-pitched schoolgirl scream, and that evil sonsabitch turned and looked at me. Now, Palmetto Bugs prefer living outside, but when they’re in your house you pretty much have to kill them or sleep in your car or move. And since I just moved and my car was still filled with crap, I knew he had to die. It was either him or me. Only one was going to come out of this encounter alive.

I froze, quickly glanced around for something to kill it, all the while not turning my head, trying to keep an eye on the Godzilla-sized bastard at all times. We stared at each other, each waiting for the other to make the first move. I stood perfectly still because any sudden movements startles them into attack mode and I wasn’t ready to make my hero move quite yet. I wasn’t facing that thing without a weapon. Shit. Everything looked too flimsy for the job. Fly swatter, shoe, baseball bat. Maybe I could taser him. It was on the bar. But did I place the new battery cartridge in it? Shit. I can’t remember! I can’t risk it. The guns were in the other room. He’d surely reach me before I could make it in there. Shit. Finally my eyes lit upon a case of water that was sitting to my left. That’s it. Twenty pounds of Dasani should do the trick. As soon as my mind was made up I lunged for the case, and in one smooth movement lifted it, turned, and BAM, dropped it right on that asshole as he was preparing to spread his wings and make a run at me. Now though, as I replay it in my head, I did a military drop and roll and weave maneuver on my way to the water.

After I was certain he wasn’t going to toss the case of water off of himself and come at me with a knife, I called my pest control guys and told them not only did I want the house sprayed again (they just had two weeks prior) but I also wanted the outside treated as well and that I didn’t care if they had to hire a crop-duster plane and drop poison on the place, Hiroshima-style. “I want to never see one again. Never!” I exclaimed into the phone.

They came, they treated, they rolled their eyes. And I haven’t seen another one. Yet. I have a freshly cleaned and loaded .357 magnum just in case they’ve built up immunity to the poison. You’ve picked the wrong human, motherfuckers.

67 Comments
 

67 Responses to My life is so much better since quitting my job and moving. But this hasn’t stopped me from bitching and complaining. Au contraire mon frère! So I’ve declared this week “Bitch and Moan Week” and shall be posting whiney-ass entries. You’re welcome.

  1. Next time, kill it with fire. It will be GLORIOUS!!!

    You may or may not need a new house, though.

  2. patti says:

    kill them with fire!

  3. Flannery says:

    I have a bug phobia, I think you should know that about me. That being said, in Hawaii they have HUGE flying cockroaches. And their restaurants are all open-air because, duh, Hawaii. So you will see these motherf&ckers IN the restaurants. I don’t go to Hawaii anymore.

  4. Sue Dunham says:

    Try diatomaceous earth. It is non-poisonous and doesn’t smell. It kills by getting into the joints of bugs and they dry out from the inside. You can sprinkle it around the outside and inside of your house.

    • Laura says:

      The pest control people put down some poison pellets that were safe for my pets. I don’t know what’s in it. I also heard boric acid will take care of them. I will look into diatomaceous eath. Someone told me that stuff will kill fleas too.

    • SB Smith says:

      That’s supposed to be good for killing scorpions too. It’s tiny little, almost microscopic crystals that all have pointy sharp, edges. They get stuck inside an insect’s external moving parts when they walk through it and sort of “paper-cuts” them to death.
      Good. The bastards deserve it.

      • Laura says:

        We should cover the world with it.

        • notbob says:

          In defense of the creepy crawlies, without them we humans would die off as a species. Lets not cover the whole earth as I like being alive.

          Your food, life and health are dependent upon bugs in many ways whether you like it or not.

          • Laura says:

            I don’t mind bugs at all. BIG bugs freak me the fuck out. Roaches make me vomit. I will kill every roach, every Palmetto Bug I see and take my chances with killing humanity.

    • Cheryl Lundgren says:

      Diatomaceous earth works for scorpions too. You can buy it at Home Depot out west. Garden department. Put it around the outside of your house at the foundation. If it gets wet, it’s not as effective so you have to replace it.

  5. Leslie says:

    Northerners are going to think you over reacted. Those lucky enough to have never encountered a Palmetto Bug do not understand that we are not exaggerating when we say these fuckers are like flying sanitation trucks. Only worse. FullBodyShiver. A.357 oughtta do it. I heard once of someone going after a Palmetto with a 22. Poor fool was never heard from again.

    • Laura says:

      They are the foulest, most evil sonsabitches known to mankind.

      That idiot! A .22 would be like hitting an elephant with a sock full of quarters. I think a .357 should be about right. God help me if I’m wrong.

  6. Jena says:

    The things we do in our mind are so much MORE than real life; drop and roll… LMAO. So did you burn the case of water?

  7. CGHill says:

    And how long will bugproofing the house last? Thirty days? Thirty minutes?

  8. Chris says:

    An older home we once rented had one of those whole house fans – the kind that are installed into the ceiling and when you turn it on it pulls air in from the outside to cool the house. (Air conditioning for poor folks from back when air conditioning was only for rich folks.)
    Well, we turned that sucker on one day, and I swear to God, when those ceiling vents opened, something like 100 of those damned bugs dropped from the attic into the house!

    I was still fairly new to the south at that time, and I had an absolute FIT thinking those things were living in my attic and were now scurrying through my house! You see, in the north, we’re taught that only filthy, dirty houses have cockroaches. And these things were obviously the MOTHER of all cockroaches.

    I was ready to move out of what suddenly became a pigsty THAT day. Instead, we found an exterminator who very patiently explained that here in the SOUTH, you can’t really avoid those flying representatives from hell – you can only spray and hope they go prey on someone else. He’s been fairly successful over the years and we’re still using the same exterminator 25 years later.

    • Laura says:

      Okay, I fainted twice trying to read that first part. TOTALLY FUCKED UP.

      That’s the thing that is hard to convey to people, Palmetto Bugs are NOT mere roaches. They are huge, they fly, they are fearless and they want you dead. Roaches are snuggly teddy bears in comparison. When I first moved to South Carolina I thought people had exaggerated or were lying. Well, I soon found out they weren’t. And that’s all you can do is spray, and hope for the best and prepare for the worst.

      • notbob says:

        Palmetto bugs cant live indoors for very long, they require their food to come from the trees around the house, if they are trapped indoors for any length of time they will starve to death. A regular roach can live on anything but Florida Wood Roaches (Palmetto bugs) can only live on the sap from trees.

        • Laura says:

          That is the best thing about them. They live outdoors. Motherfuckers still run recon missions in the house. Hitching rides and sneaking in. Sonsabitches.

  9. Mark12A says:

    So I’m guessing peaceful coexistence is out?

    A suggestion would be to lure them into a Federal Express box and mail a shitload of them back to the Bunch-O-Bitches. Of course, you’d have to stop being such a girl for five minutes while you seal them up. Tape the box up well. Everyone knows those motherfuckers don’t need oxygen to live.

    Hell, even the palmetto bugs would probably go for it.

    • Laura says:

      They really don’t need oxygen! Uggh, no way though could I even trap them and then touch the box they’re in. I’m such a girl on some things.

  10. Alison says:

    When I lived in Mobile, AL, the roaches (we didn’t bother with “palmetto bugs,” takes too long to scream) would come strolling across the living room while we were watching tv. “What’s up, ladies? Mind if I change the channel?” Raid spray works pretty well, plus you get to watch them writhe in pain as they die.

  11. wildriver says:

    WD-40 and a lighter, just strike the lighter and spray the WD across the flame, instant napalm.

  12. jon spencer says:

    Wait until you open a closet door and there is one trying your shirt on.

  13. Favoriteslave says:

    Saw this and thought of you: http://pinterest.com/pin/170714642097649526/ Thank god we don’t have those in Missouri.

  14. Mark12A says:

    They’re probably considered a delicacy.

    In France, maybe.

  15. gatorgirl4325 says:

    You have made or implied *no* exaggeration about those evil, vile creatures. I must say you were very, very brave in confronting and then smashing the guts out of that thing. (shiver)

    Oh, and B&MW is going to be.the.best.week.ever!!!

    • Laura says:

      Well I know I have plenty to bitch and moan about, even though life is fantastic now. Ha!

      Palmetto Bugs are from the bowels of Hell! I had to destroy it.

  16. Harbqll says:

    You’re very lucky dropping that case of water on it worked. The absolute last thing you need is a merely pissed off Palmetto coming at you with a knife.

    When they rear back on their hind legs, they can actually use FOUR KNIVES at once. Reduce a grown man to hamburger in under 30 seconds, they can. I’ve seen it with my own eyes!

  17. gogaited says:

    Poor little Jack must be terrified.

  18. Nicole says:

    Lawd. I like the south but no way could I deal.

  19. SB Smith says:

    First, from the book “Dr. Bader’s Pest Cures”. Altho’ I think the book’s named wrong. I want Pest Devastation !.
    Anyway, he says roaches hate catnip. It’s a natural repellant.
    Anywhere you see roaches, leave a little sachet bag of catnip.
    Also make some tea from 100% catnip. After it’s cooled, put it in a spray bottle and spray anywhere a deterrent is needed.
    Of course, Dr. Bader fails to mention you may have stray cats wanting to come around for a hit….and your own kitties will be high most of the time.
    Plus you’d need to refresh it now and then.

    Have you seen that movie Joe’s Apartment ?…with the roaches running around and singing ?
    Funny but highly disgusting.

  20. SB Smith says:

    Of course, near the Texas coast the roaches are Texas sized, too.
    Repulsive.
    When one gets in the house, they should be named after terrorists.
    I’m glad I’m over 100 miles from the coast now, altho a drier climate means we have scorpions….altho’ ours are not the deadly kind.
    Still, when one nailed my little toe in the garage last November, it felt like someone hit my toe with a Hammer…..weird – no swelling…and all effects from that had disappeared after an hour had passed.

  21. Jeffro says:

    Gosh, I dunno – I think you need the .357 as a backup to a twelve gauge shotgun. That will surely handle the bastards. Remember, “they” say a handgun is just so you can fight your way to a long gun.

  22. So those things aren’t up over the Virginia line, are they? I haven’t seen one in Richmond. I do remember seeing the fly by my mother’s condo in Florida, but that was over 30 years ago and I swear they were a lot smaller then. It was alligators I hated in Florida. Made the mistake of lying out behind Mom’s building, sunbathing near the canal. Next morning, I come out on Mom’s patio and think, “Wow, that’s the most realistic alligator stature I ever saw in my life at the neighbor’s.” Then it saw me and slithered into the canal.

    I don’t how many times you tell me a 3-foot alligator is harmless. I am not going to stick around to find out if you’re right.

  23. *them
    *statue
    The palmetto bug made me do it.

  24. xtian jones says:

    Upside: they make for great batting practice. Louisville Slugger, aluminum…

  25. Rosie says:

    You must have rubbed off on me, because after reading this blog, I now think it would be really cool to tazer a palmetto bug!

  26. Larry says:

    This is why you CARRY your guns, people! You were lucky to make it out alive, them sunsabitches are deadly. Like armored ninjas.

    ughhh…

  27. Kim says:

    Here north of Houston we got the big ass roach/palmetto bug creatures, too. I’ve gotten used to them after 23 years and don’t fear for my life, but I CANNOT face the spewage and extrusion of their guts when you kill’em. Makes me want to puke typing this. And don’t even talk about seeing a pet try to eat one.
    Don’t. Please.

  28. [...] via My life is so much better since quitting my job and moving. But this hasn’t stopped me from bitchi…. [...]

  29. Megan says:

    I found this post after googling “palmetto bug looked at me”. I just saw one on my kitchen tile and it ran under the cabinet when it saw me coming. I waited for a few seconds, watched it stick its head out to see if I was still around, and then retreat again. I’ll never sleep again.

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