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God hates barbecues. And of course, hobos. | Fetch My Flying Monkeys
Everyone needs a fleet of flying monkeys to rip the stuffing out of the annoying people in their lives
— Laura

Sunday I went to the Walmart here because I needed to pick up cleaning supplies for the house. Now, I LOATHE Walmart with the white-hot passion of a thousand burning suns, and not because they’re so huge you feel like you need to pack an energy bar with you just to shop, or because of the hordes of smelly, raggedy-ass people who shop there, but mostly because they mistreat their employees, crush local, small businesses, and sell mostly Chinese-made products. I haven’t bought anything from them in many years but unfortunately, where I now live it is the only kind of  “one stop shop” type of place since the nearest Target is over an hour and a half away. I quickly discovered my laziness overrode any ethics I may have, which, really, came as no surprise to me. Anyway, I ate a power breakfast, walked in, and started looking around. While putting the stuff on my list in my cart I found some pretty cheap shorts that weren’t made in China, then wandered over to the garden center and decided right then and there that I needed, nay, had to have a charcoal grill. You know, for those times a gas grill just won’t do, when you need your meat loaded with that tasty, tasty carcinogenic charcoal smoke. So I chose this one:

I heaved the huge box into my cart, got a huge bag of charcoal, a bottle of charcoal lighter fluid, and one of those long Bic lighter thingies. Man, I could almost taste those delicious burgers I was going to make that night. I hurried to the nearest check-out,  which by “nearest” I mean the one on the other side of the store, the only one in twenty that was open. I started lifting the items out of my cart onto the moving belt thingie, the grill being one of the first things, when I heard the cashier say something. “Pardon?” I asked. She was standing there looking absolutely disgusted at my grill and said “You can’t get this. It’s Sunday, the Lord’s day of rest.” I just looked at her. Then she said “Blue Laws.” Oh yeah, I kind of remember those. We had them in Columbia years ago. Sort of. You just couldn’t buy booze on Sunday. I remember because I always made sure I had enough gin in the house every Saturday.

Before I could even say anything she had confiscated my grill and placed it on the floor beside her and proceeded to scan my charcoal, lighter fluid and other things. I said “So God won’t let me have my grill, but He’ll let me have the charcoal and lighter?” She gave me a blank look and said “Yeah.” What a cruel joke, Lord. She continued scanning the cleaning supplies and some shorts I bought. ”Okay, now let me get this straight, God says I can’t grill on the Lord’s Day, but it’s okay to clean?” “Yeah.” she replied. What a jokester that guy! I remained speechless as I paid for my things and left.

So what I learned that day was God hates barbecues, He doesn’t consider cleaning the house as “work”, and He’ll let you have bike shorts even though with an ass like mine it’s quite possibly a sin against humanity to go out in public in them. But to be fair, I will be wearing them while riding my bike doing the Lord’s work. You know, shooting hobos.



95 Responses to God hates barbecues. And of course, hobos.

  1. wildriver says:

    Hobos are pretty easy to hit, just get them a bottle of cheap Italian vodka and chum them in. It’s sorta like baiting pigeons with bread crumbs.

  2. Suzanne says:

    So, you bought all the fixin’s for arson, but no grill? Clearly the state has not thought through this practice of equipping disgruntled customers with implements of destruction.

  3. Jena says:

    WTF? Ive never heard of this. They passed a law a while back for my county that you can’t buy alcohol BEFORE NOON on Sundays.

    And btw.. Target also does China, a LOT.

  4. MorningGlory says:

    When I lived in New Jersey, I tried to buy a box of tampons on a Sunday and was told that they were “not for Sunday sale” under the state’s blue laws. I totally lost it. The poor pimple-faced teenage boy running the register at the local Medi-Mart never knew what hit him. You also could buy a man’s belt or wallet on Sunday, but not a woman’s, ostensibly because a woman’s was considered a “luxury” while a man’s was a “necessity”. I left NJ 30 years ago, and I understand that these laws have been changed, but seriously?

    • Laura says:

      Gah. I never knew this religious bullshittery went that far up North.

      • Ocean Grove, NJ is right next to Bradley Beach, the beach I went to most of my life. Ocean Grove was run by Methodists. They shut down their roads every Sunday. Newspapers were dropped off at the edge of town. Big-ass chains blocked Ocean Avenue, which is the street you could use to drive just about the entire Jersey shore if you were crazy or stupid enough to try. We HATED their blue laws. And they were around until 1981, when their government by church was finally found unconstitutional.

        I’m pretty sure a major mall in NJ still closes on Sundays, though it’s not so much the blue laws anymore as they want to keep New Yorkers from clogging up their town every Sunday. Paramus? I forget.

        • Laura says:

          I understand closing to keep out New Yorkers. Just kidding New Yorkers, don’t kill me. (I do love NYC, btw.)

          Yeah, no religion should dictate law. Period.

          • Harbqll says:

            Having lived in the South most of my life, I’m familiar with having to stock up on booze before Sunday rolls around. I always used to say if the state is going to have religious blue laws on the books, then they should issue special ‘atheist cards’ to those of us who wish to ignore them.

          • Laura says:

            I agree totally.

          • Elphaba says:

            My religion would do a lot better at dictating law. For example: “An it harm none, do what ye will.” Means as long as I ain’t hurtin’ ya, I can do whatever the hell I want. Heh. Take that, ya blue law uptight fun-hating, tampon withholding, Sunday bbq blocking mother****ers!

          • Laura says:

            Totally agree.

    • zonker says:

      And let’s not forget the “you cannot pump your own gas at the gas station” rule. I love that one.

    • Harbqll says:

      So, are you just supposed to not menstrate on Sundays? Or hold it in? Or is the point to honor God by bleeding everywhere?

  5. Sue Dunham says:

    Back in the days of ‘Toronto the Good’ Eaton’s and Simpson’s (our major department stores) curtained the display windows on Sunday.
    Is it your state, or your county that is so hard shell Baptist?

  6. Hendrix Williams says:

    At least you do not have to go through 3 county s to buy booze ;)

  7. zonker says:

    Okay, first of all, let me just say I’m delighted to see some new content here. One of the first sites I checked once I got internet (aka civilization) hooked up at the new place and…viola! I can get my FMFM fix again. W00t, I say.

    Next, I need a grill, too. Charcoal grills…don’t they burn for frickin’ ever? I was gonna get a propane grill but then you reminded me of that tasty, tasty carcinogenic charcoal smoke. I do love that. But I want to use the thing every day and when I’m done cooking a large chunk of meat, I don’t want to have to sit there wondering “Are the coals still too hot? Is the grill going to spontaneously erupt into a fiery inferno, catch the deck on fire and burn the damn place down?” and stuff like that. So, your wisdom (…straight face, must keep a straight face…) is needed: are charcoal grills worth the hassle or should I stick with a propane grill?

    Finally, do you have an iPhone? Some of those pictures down there have that superior quality generally associated with an iPhone. I bet you have an iPhone.

    ps: Welcome back.

    • zonker says:

      pps: Lose the motherfuckin’ clown. (ref: http://www.smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2994)

    • Laura says:

      I’m not a grill scientist even though I play one on the Internet. I love the convenience of a propane gas grill, and, of course, there’s that whole “Am I going to burn down my house” thingie you don’t have to worry about. Although I do worry about the cans of propane I have to hook up. “OMG do I smell propane?” and “When I hit ‘ignite’ am I going to need skin grafts?” Shit like that. I also worry when putting air in tires thinking they will explode and kill me, so I do tend to worry about mayhem and death a lot. Seriously, I even worry about opening biscuits “OMG this thing is going to explode as soon as I unwrap it and take off my hand” Like they’re granades or some shit. Anyway, I think you can’t beat a gas grill. I also love the carcinogenic flavor of a charcoal grill. I know this is of no help, but since I LOVE telling people what to do and where to go, and people look to me for wisdom (SHUT. UP.) I say since it’s summer now- get a charcoal- a nice one like a Weber that you will have for a long time. And when you’re done cooking just put a lid on it and wait until the next day after you stick your hand or the neighbors cat in it to test the temps of the coals before dumping it. I’m joking about the neighbor’s cat- use their kid. Come fall the gas grills will go on sale. Get one then. One you want, cause you’ll have it a long time too. And don’t get them at Walmart. I hate those motherfuckers.

      SOOOOOOO..you got moved?! YEAH YOU!! Me too!

      Oh, and yes I have an iPhone! An iPhone 5, 64 gb in white. I knew you’d want to know this.

      And thank you.

      • Fred says:

        With the Weber just close all the vents and that kills the fire. Also forget the lighter fluid, get a chimmney. A few sheets of newspaper and you’re set.

      • zonker says:

        I already cook most meals out of necessity (gluten-free diet) so once I get a grill, I’m going to be using it a lot. Especially at first. I don’t want to have to change the coals every other day or whatever. Plus, I’d probably try to light the damn thing after getting home from happy hour. I wince at the thought. I dunno. We’ll see. But we won’t see iPhone photos of it because I’m one of the six remaining Windows Phone users.

        ps: I’ve only seen her in passing but I’m fairly sure my neighbor is kinda hot so I’m going to use a squirrel instead of her kid as a grill thermometer, mmm’kay? Yeah, chivalry ain’t dead, ya hear?

    • jo says:

      ? why are string instruments involved

      just another FMFM mystery

  8. Alison says:

    Wait, what?? Blue Laws apply to grills??? Wtf? Man, I’m glad I didn’t land 7 miles further south.

  9. Janie Jones says:

    I have no response to this. I am completely and utterly dumbfounded and rendered speechless by the unfathomable stupidity of not being able to by a frickin grill on Sunday. I mean, what are the criteria for what makes it on this Lord’s Day no-no list? MorningGlory’s comment. WTF!!! No tampons??? Seriously! And for that matter, why the fuck does Walmars even open on Sunday (much less exist at all). Shopping and selling on the Sabbath must be an affront to God. Now when I’m looking for a house I know to ask, “So what can’t you buy on Sunday in this damn town?” before I move.

    Good thing it’s not Sunday, I have a sudden urge to go through a store and figure out everything that’s contraband on Sunday. That might actually be a perversely fun activity. Ha! I wonder how big a pile of contraband stuff I could cause to form at the check out lane.

    Okay. Apparently I’m not as speechless as I thought. I shut up and go away now.

    • Laura says:

      HA! How about that? No tampons. They just changed it a few years ago that you could get a PRESCRIPTION FILLED on Sunday. How INSANE is that?

      Hmmm, I should buy a bunch of Blue Law banned stuff and set out a tent in front of Walmart and sell it at blackmarket prices…

  10. Mark12A says:

    Odin would be pissed if we couldn’t buy axes and fire and shit on any day, never mind Sunday. My plan is to sail up and down the Tennessee River and raid monasteries. On Sundays. It worked for Ragnar Lothbrok.

  11. Tina, Escrow Goddess says:

    WTF?! You seriously cannot, no how, no way, buy a grill on Sunday?! That is totally fucked up. You didn’t move to Russia did you?

  12. Kevin says:

    You can buy cleaning products because that is “women’s work” but not a grill because that is “men’s work.” As men work hard all week we need Sunday off. God is a man and understands this.
    Crap like this is one of the many reasons I ditched “religion” years ago.

    • Laura says:

      The first three sentences you wrote made me want to stab you in the face. Then I read your last one and I now I want to high-five you.

      • Kevin says:

        I’m glad you read the whole thing before face-stabbing. Spending 2 years in a seminary taught me alot about the whole god is a dude and screw the women aspect of christiananity. Reading the old testament is scarier than anything Stephen King ever wrote.

  13. Rosie says:

    I need to open an atheist store next to your Walmart. Separation of Church and State!

  14. glen says:

    Stock up on ammo, stock up on beer, stock up on Charcoal Grills, stock up on tampons,…where will it end??? Damn, what about toilet paper?

  15. Yabu says:

    I’ve used a Weber for as long as I can remember. Fuck a bunch of gas. A Weber is also known to ward off evil demons. At least, mine does. I’ve cooked everything that can be cooked on mine. The Juju Woman is a specialist when it comes to charcoal configuration. Different configurations depending on what you’re cooking. I kid you not. She is a Master Charcoal Configurator. Everything tastes better on a Weber. Fact.

  16. Mitchell says:

    Just you watch. One day you’ll be at the pearly gates and they’ll tell you that you snuck in just under the wire for not getting that bbq. You ought to thank that woman.

  17. Is this a real thing? I don’t think we have God in Canada. We do have Walmart, but that’s not the same, is it? And I can’t imagine Walmart turning down a sale in any country… God and Walmart are judging you.

  18. mindy says:

    You should start a store called “Blue Market”. It would be like World Market except it’s only OPEN on Sundays. Stock that bizatch with Weber grills (made in the USA), booze, and feminine hygiene products. I don’t think you could lose money.

  19. Harbqll says:

    In Mobile, Alabama there is a FRELLING GINORMOUS Baptist church, right off I-65 north. Seriously, its almost as big as the hospital right down the same road. Some of the local nicknames for it are “Our Lady of the Interstate” and “Six Flags over Jesus”.

    Anyway, there’s a stripmall right next door. The wife and I joked for years about buying that, and opening a bar/stripclub. We were going to name it ‘The Right Hand of God’ and paper the interior walls with bible pages. Happy Hour every Sunday from 10 til noon.

  20. gogaited says:

    Maybe it’s just me, but I would have waited until the mouth breather rang every thing up and then walked out.

  21. Nicole says:

    Amazing the ways people find to exercise power over other folks. I have never heard of such things. No booze on Sunday, yeah. I think most of our stores don’t sell till after noon nowadays, but there are still holdouts here and there that don’t sell booze at all on Sunday. At least I live in Missouri, where we let folks get tanked on the Lord’s Day.

    Kansas hasn’t even officially ratified the 21st Amendment. All those folks who live next to the state line used to flock over on Sunday and buy hard booze at the grocery stores. :)

  22. Debbo says:

    Watch out for Utah. Those damn Mormons! I was visiting because it’s beautiful country, but beware! You can’t buy hardly anything on Sundays. I needed ice. Just ice, mind you. It took an hour to find a place that was open and would sell me a bag of ice! Ice – for gods sake!

    Oh, I should say, “Ice – for fucks sake!”

  23. Jess says:

    God loves barbecues; religious assholes, pinheads, politicians, narrow minded dicks and dumbasses hate barbecues. If God didn’t like them, there would be an eleventh commandment.

    I know you can’t move, but maybe you can toss charred wienies on the lawns of local politicians on Sunday. Attach a note: “I couldn’t find a photograph. This should do.”

  24. Jeffro says:

    God just hates booze on Sundays and holidays here. He apparently hath decided grills are A-OK. God won’t let us buy hi-test booze in grocery stores, either – just 3.2 Beer.

  25. Cheryl Lundgren says:

    After reading all of the above, I thank God I was raised in California and live in Las Vegas, Nevada. I wouldn’t make it a week in the Bible belt. At least I wouldn’t make it a week if I moved there on Monday. If we came in on Saturday, we’d make it two days.

    We just left Jersey this morning and were dumbfounded when we bought gas and the attendants pumped it. We had no idea it was legislated. We thought, “cool”. Haven’t had my gas pumped by an attendant since the 70′s in California. I’m just glad we made it out of the state alive. I thought Vegas drivers were bad until experiencing New Jersey drivers.

    As for charcoal grills, we don’t have one because our HOA has more rules than God and the agreement is thicker than the Bible. So until the lease runs out and we can move to a Nazi free environment, we’ll be missing the lovely smell and taste of lighter fluid on our meat.

    • Laura says:

      People are always wanting to slap rules and laws on ya! “No Laura, you can’t buy a grill on Sunday! No Laura, you can’t stab them in the face!” Gah.

  26. LyleLovett666 says:

    I loathe wm. Not for any other reason other than at the age of 35 I was denied the sale of an R rated movie b/c I wouldn’t show Id to prove I was over 17. 0 common sense from the lowest,toothless cashier to the smelliest, mouth breathing manager. Good prices on ammo though.

  27. patti says:

    The clown is scaring me

  28. James says:

    I live in Jersey – 10 min outside NYC – in the heart of Blue Law central..and I can tell you the Blue laws here have little to do with religion at this point.In this one section of NE Nj there is SO MUCH congestion & traffic it is terrible. It can take you 20 minutes to drive 1 mile here, walking is almost faster. The Blue Laws here close all the retail down for 1 day except for food and gas and the people who live here love it (mostly) cause you can actually drive your car faster then 10…. When you live here, you plan around it – after a while is is more a blessing then a curse…


  29. Victoria in CT says:

    Let me guess… you live in the bible belt, right? I live in CT and until last year you could not buy alcohol on Sundays or Holidays. BUT, you could get shit ass drunk at a restaurant or bar. Thank God, commerce prevailed and the law was changed!

  30. Maeve says:

    One year I found myself in PA on a Sunday and was HORRIFIED that I could not buy any booze. The only thing I could buy was some nasty ass six pack of beer from a bar. And even finding one of those open was an act of God.

  31. SB Smith says:

    Well, that sucked not being able to buy that grill on a Sunday. The only remnant of Blue Law left here in TX is you can’t buy beer before noon on Sunday.

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