Everyone needs a fleet of flying monkeys to rip the stuffing out of the annoying people in their lives
— Laura

Shortly after moving here I made a friend whilst out running in my idyllic oak tree-lined neighborhood. She lives one street over and she’s roughly my age and she’s really sweet and nice, and we now run/walk together twice daily. And guess what? She’s a minister’s wife! I know, right? She befriended me even though in my running gear you can see all of my satanic tattoos! And by satanic, I mean Gaelic, but in the South that means the same thing. Anyway, the bad thing is she’s a minister’s wife and I don’t mean that’s a bad thing for her, no, I mean it’s a bad thing for me because when we converse I am constantly on a self-imposed 3 second delay. Like, mentally I have to edit shit, for example: “Last night I accidentally slammed my damn toe into a fucking chair leg and I was all “FUCK! Oww!” Now it hurts like a motherfucker too and I can hardly fucking walk!”

So now every day, twice a day, I’m like a guy who’s on a first date and trying to make a good impression by holding in his farts until it’s painful and it hurts so much that all he can think about is taking her home and ripping ‘em all the way on the drive home. We part at the crossroads, where she goes on to her house, and I literally run, full speed to mine. I hurriedly open my door, usually fumbling with the key, and once I get in I slam the door shut, lean against it, and to no one say “Damnmotherfuckingassholebitchbastardfuckshit.”

Ahhhh, much better.


36 Responses to Day 15: Still no hobos sighted. Remaining optimistic. Still ordering the bike with a shotgun rack on the frame.

  1. Holly says:

    This is me around the kids and other mummies!

  2. Kim says:

    Bahahahahaaaa! I work for a company whose owners are VERY religious and any type of curse word is considered vulgar. I am waiting for the day that I am asked to leave because I couldn’t hold it in any longer. One day my mouth is going to say what I am actually thinking. I fear, Instead of saying “or we could go in a different direction” I will say “that is the dumbest fucking thing I have ever heard! What the fuck is wrong with you?!”

  3. Look at it this way: you are improving your inner stamina, too :D

  4. Jena says:

    Don’t hold back. You need to warn her you cuss like an Army vet.

  5. Jennifer says:

    Oh, I bet you’re about to explode by the time you get home! lol

  6. Harbqll says:

    This sounds familiar. My immediate supervisor is a Mormon. Nice guy, but…

    • Laura says:

      Yeah, I heard they never see a person as a non-Mormon, just someone that they haven’t converted yet. I also have worked with some super nice people that were Mormons.

  7. Janie Jones says:

    Just tell her you have Tourettes. Oh, wait, perhaps then she’ll want to heal you… That could be worse than holding it in.

  8. Mark12A says:


    What the fuck? Just remember that “culture” also means some sort of germ thing.

    My neighbors are Church of God with the long dresses and no haircuts for women and no jewelery and makeup. They go to church like eleventeen times per week. Wife was smudging our property one full moon and I was drinking mead out of a horn and I was sort of waiting for them to come over and do some sort of weird jesus thing on us.

  9. Rosie says:

    Reminds me of the woman who had a license plate that said “ILVTOFU” She was like “It means I love tofu.” Others interpreted it differently. ;)

  10. LusherLaRue says:

    Dammit, being good totally sucks monkey farts! But I am so proud of you for making the effort. I don’t any more . . . except in front of my Mom, who I am still a little teeny tiny bit afraid of.

  11. Alison says:

    I do the fart thing on the way home from work. I had to go cold turkey on the swearing when I got a job as a Residential Director in a dormful of teens–my only successful Lenten sacrifice.

  12. Canon says:

    That is really sweet of you…. it’s respect for another person. And it’s super grown up. ( insert applause here) We’ll get ghetto chick out of you yet. hahahaaahhhhh.

  13. Elphaba says:

    If minister’s wives are anything like minister’s daughters, you just might be okay. It’s an especially good sign that she didn’t run screaming from your satanic tattoos, IMVHO. At any rate, it’s good to have friends, especially when you have dead hookers and hobos in your trunk that you need to bury before the other neighbors complain of the smell.

    …did I say that out loud?

  14. Tink says:

    I feel sad she will never know the real you. Hysterical, off the cuff just fucking funny and wonderful you. So sad…

  15. Nicole says:

    You are very considerate to suppress your natural urges like that.

  16. Jess says:

    The other day, while on the job, I realized my curse bladder was ripped. One of my hands, after a few minutes of verifying some measurements, made a comment “That’s 7 curse words in less than five minutes.”

    I didn’t ever realize I was saying anything that could be considered offensive. I could only comment: “Well shit….that’s number 8.”

  17. Yabu says:

    Not to worry until she shows up at your front door with the “ladies group” bearing gifts.

    You never know, back in my early days, the minister’s daughter was worth 10 points.

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