Everyone needs a fleet of flying monkeys to rip the stuffing out of the annoying people in their lives
— Laura
You know what I hate? I hate when you’re going through life thinking you know something for a fact and then BAM you learn it’s all lies! This happened to me this weekend. Here I was all ‘Oh my God otters are sooo cute!” “Oh my God, otters are sooo sweet!” I even wrote once that I wanted to get a bunch of otters. Well, you can just mark that off my want list.
Here’s the article I read Saturday. Here’s an excerpt for those who don’t click links:
A weaned harbor seal pup was resting onshore when an untagged male sea otter approached it, grasped it with its teeth and forepaws, bit it on the nose, and flipped it over. The harbor seal moved toward the water with the sea otter following closely. Once in the water, the sea otter gripped the harbor seal’s head with its forepaws and repeatedly bit it on the nose, causing a deep laceration. The sea otter and pup rolled violently in the water for approximately 15 min, while the pup struggled to free itself from the sea otter’s grasp. Finally, the sea otter positioned itself dorsal to the pup’s smaller body while grasping it by the head and holding it underwater in a position typical of mating sea otters. As the sea otter thrust his pelvis, his penis was extruded and intromission was observed. At 105 min into the encounter, the sea otter released the pup, now dead, and began grooming.
Fucking adorable murdering rapist necrophiliacs!
And because I’m all environmental and shit, I made this PSA poster warning seals of the danger of otters:
Remember seals: No one can hear you scream underwater. Well, except for fish, and other seals. Oh, and sharks. And probably octopuses.
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61 Responses to The Ted Bundys of the animal world.
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I just noticed that if i scroll down your page until the cats nose in the header picture just touches the favorites bar, it looks like someones forehead with a bow in their hair, on the other hand, at that same view, the monkey just looks like the otter is riding him hard.
Hahaha! Nothing is safe from those fucking otters!!!
bemused sad horror!!
you are supposed to make me laugh in the morning!!!!
AAAaaa!!!!
Hope you get your pay if forward package today
Woot!
Well, you do know part of the reason I blog is to educate you people, and this includes who the assholes of the animal kingdom are.
I never have trusted Otters. Fucking animals!
Murderous raping sonsabitches!
Perhaps we should hand out whistles to the seals.
Ha! And have the Coast Guard respond?
You need River Otters. Or invite those BoB’s to swim out in the ocean.
How bad is it that I just pictured those bitches held underwater and raped by otters and a big smile appeared across my face? Better them than seals.
Well, now my Monday is complete…
Nothing like some animal rapists story to start your day.
Otters are bad, fast too. The badger navy. Those had to be gang otters.
Ha! Wearing colors and shit.
The reason river otters have all that free time to play on mudslides and be all cute & shit, is they are awesome predators. Very efficient.
In other news, the most deadly animal in the world is those cute kitties you see all over the internet. House cats that are fed at home and allowed to roam outdoors kill 4 times as many animals as they eat. And they don’t just kill. They torture their prey until they get bored.
Yes! Tinks was like that before I brought her inside. She killed anything that looked at Jack wrong and would leave their bodies on the steps.
Wow. And I thought otters were so cute. My cat decimated the bird population at our house and our doxie used to bring home animals from the desert and play with them until they died (squirrels, mice, etc.). He’d catch them and let them go, then catch them again.
Sad.
At least they didn’t rape them!
And you’ve heard of dolphins and their rape caves, right?: http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20091225004556AARIHu4
YES! Dolphins are rapist assholes too!
Wow. That’s just… wow. I had no idea.
I KNOW!
The animal world has its own psychopaths and the human world has asshole people that won’t at least throw a rock at criminal animals.
Those fish and game folks are some sick bastards for watching and not intervening.
I know! I would have been “you sonsabitches!” and beat them with an oar.
Gotta get me an otter. Or maybe a dolphin haha ha just kidding.
Good lawd! (Though they are both adorable.)
WOW… and here I thought that humans were the only sick assholes!
Apparently assholeness is spread all out in the animal kingdon.
My dog Hercules is a Jack Russell mix and is the “Dexter” of the animal world. Little fucker will kill anything that doesn’t live in our house. Rats, rabbits, birds, frogs, lizards, chickens. There’s nothing that has blood that he doesn’t want to have smeared all over his beak.
I wonder how our cats continue surviving. Maybe they all have a murder fan club.
Cats are murderous assholes, so they probably made a pact of some kind.
Maybe an animal “Following”. One of the cats looks a little like Joe…
I haven’t watched that show though I like me some Kevin Bacon. Mmmm bacon…
How intriguing it must be to exist in your mind.
Did you happen to catch which sorority the seal belonged to?
Ha! Probably some kind of WHORE sorority.
“Intromission was observed.”
Now there’s a circumlocution if ever I’ve heard one.
HA!
Just great. I suppose the next thing you’ll be telling me is that unicorns are peeping toms. That’s just great. All of my delusions have been dashed.
But, ew. I mean. Ew.
I know! And I think unicorns are into child pornography.
Awful, awful, awful. So when the otters were meowing at me and I thought it was because they were hungry, it was really because they wanted a piece of my booty! Awful
I guess this makes otters the animal pirates of the sea
Yes, that’s their game. Play all sweet and playful when indeed they are murdering rapists!
That’s HORRIBLE !
Otters….not so cute anymore.
Great to see you back !
Hope Jack’s doing fine….and his sisters, too.
I can’t seem to get back!
Jack and everyone is fine, thanks!
Fiona the corgi! in a mirror – cute
My Fiona refuses to look into a mirror.
Ha! Jack can’t even spot himself- cause he thinks he’s a huge rottweiler.
Please come back. You are a bright star in an otherwise dark night. Please don’t leave us in the dark, alone . . . with otters.
HAHA! I’m trying to make my way back!
So disturbing. I had to stop reading! But I love your poster, I think it will really help raise awareness.
I hope so.
I decided to visit your site, realized the last post and had to watch “Ozzy the Weasel” twice.
Isn’t Ozzy adorable?!
You know what I hate? when your hilarious blogfriendish STOPS BLOGGING
Mwah xx
HA! I know, I know.
I’m going to pretend that it’s only the sea otters that are evil rapists and try to move on with my life.
P.S., Sea otters vs. River otters http://themarinedetective.com/2011/07/17/you-otter-know/
Yes, yes, ONLY the sea otters.
Fine. Be that way. When I end up dead or in the nut house because you aren’t blogging any more and the weight of the world crushes me because I don’t have your blog to make me laugh, I am blaming you, at the top of my lungs, all the way to the grave or the padded room . . . whichever comes first.
I promise I’ll be back one day soon!
Be still my happy heart.
Well hell. I haven’t been here for months because I honestly lost your url. Then I come here and end up getting all snot-nosed for that poor seal pup. IS NOTHING SACRED!!! I always wanted a cute otter. And that bastard could have killed me by trying to f@(k my nose in the bathtub!!!!
Otter nasal rape!! Oh the humanity!
OK, So Bambi is a stalker and has been caught hanging around the window into the girls locker room? And flipper has been seen trying to rape a Narwhale? I’m betting this is the Animal Planet channel trying to replace Judge Judy.
Bit with more fleas and hairballs and such.