The other day one of my friends at work needed to pick up some tax forms and she asked if I would go with her at lunchtime. I told her I would and thought while I was there I’d pick up a state form instead of printing it out. We went downtown to the Strom Thurmond Building and it took us about thirty minutes to park because parking sucks downtown and we ended up having to walk another 30 minutes to get there. We chatted all the way, and were still talking as I reached for the heavy door and pulled it open. I had my head turned back, talking to my friend when I heard a loud deep voice say “HOLD IT RIGHT THERE.” I turned around to see who the fuck said that and there stood a huge guard who started bombarding me with questions like a drill Sergeant. “Hand me your ID.” “What is your business here?” ”Do you have any weapons on you?” “Do you have any electronics on you? If so take them out and turn them on.” “Show me your cell phone if you have one and turn it on.” “Now step over to the right.” I stepped over to the right and there stood two other guards who immediately asked me to place my purse in a tray and then asked me to empty anything in my pockets in the tray and then proceeded to search me. I turned back to look at my friend who was now with the first guard and she had a panic-stricken look on her face as she dug through her purse for her tablet, cell phone, iPod.
I turned back around to see one of the guards turning my purse over on the side, I suppose to make it easier to x-ray, and a sudden thought flashed in my mind “OH MY GOD! IS MY TASER IN THERE?!” I held my breath as the tray disappeared into the machine and I mentally chanted “Please don’t let my Taser be in there. Please dear God don’t let it be in there.” And I stood there staring, waiting, and still holding my breath, until I saw the tray come out. Then one of the guards barked “Alright, go one.” I exhaled and waited for my friend who was going through the same treatment with eyes as big as saucers.
When she finally made it through I said “OH MY GOD I feel like we should either be boarding a plane or visiting someone in prison! At the very least, I think I’m engaged to that guard over there.” and I did a little wink and princess wave at him. We laughed and the guards started looking at us all mean, so we hurried to the elevators and went up to the floor where the forms were kept. Once in there we started searching for the forms we needed all the while laughing about what we had just been through. Then an older lady walked in with the same shell-shocked look as I saw on my friend’s face, and which no doubt I also had, and I said “You must have been searched by the guards too.” She shook her head yes, and said they made her take off her shoes and drink from the bottle of water she was carrying. So we all laughed and then went back to our business of picking up forms. My friend had hers in no time and even though I searched every nook, mine wasn’t there and I said “It appears they don’t have the State tax form.” The little old lady looked up and said, “No, you have to go to the building that’s two buildings down.” My mouth dropped open and I said “There is no way in hell I’m going to another government building. I’ll end up pregnant!”43 Comments