Everyone needs a fleet of flying monkeys to rip the stuffing out of the annoying people in their lives
— Laura

The other day one of my friends at work needed to pick up some tax forms and she asked if I would go with her at lunchtime. I told her I would and thought while I was there I’d pick up a state form instead of printing it out. We went downtown to the Strom Thurmond Building and it took us about thirty minutes to park because parking sucks downtown and we ended up having to walk another 30 minutes to get there. We chatted all the way, and were still talking as I reached for the heavy door and pulled it open. I had my head turned back, talking to my friend when I heard a loud deep voice say “HOLD IT RIGHT THERE.” I turned around to see who the fuck said that and there stood a huge guard who started bombarding me with questions like a drill Sergeant. “Hand me your ID.” “What is your business here?” ”Do you have any weapons on you?” “Do you have any electronics on you? If so take them out and turn them on.” “Show me your cell phone if you have one and turn it on.” “Now step over to the right.”  I stepped over to the right and there stood two other guards who immediately asked me to place my purse in a tray and then asked me to empty anything in my pockets in the tray and then proceeded to search me. I turned back to look at my friend who was now with the first guard and she had a panic-stricken look on her face as she dug through her purse for her tablet, cell phone, iPod.

I turned back around to see one of the guards turning my purse over on the side, I suppose to make it easier to x-ray, and a sudden thought flashed in my mind “OH MY GOD! IS MY TASER IN THERE?!” I held my breath as the tray disappeared into the machine and I mentally chanted “Please don’t let my Taser be in there. Please dear God don’t let it be in there.” And I stood there staring, waiting, and still holding my breath, until I saw the tray come out. Then one of the guards barked “Alright, go one.” I exhaled and waited for my friend who was going through the same treatment with eyes as big as saucers.

When she finally made it through I said “OH MY GOD I feel like we should either be boarding a plane or visiting someone in prison! At the very least, I think I’m engaged to that guard over there.” and I did a little wink and princess wave at him. We laughed and the guards started looking at us all mean, so we hurried to the elevators and went up to the floor where the forms were kept. Once in there we started searching for the forms we needed all the while laughing about what we had just been through. Then an older lady walked in with the same shell-shocked look as I saw on my friend’s face, and which no doubt I also had, and I said “You must have been searched by the guards too.” She shook her head yes, and said they made her take off her shoes and drink from the bottle of water she was carrying. So we all laughed and then went back to our business of picking up forms. My friend had hers in no time and even though I searched every nook, mine wasn’t there and I said “It appears they don’t have the State tax form.” The little old lady looked up and said, “No, you have to go to the building that’s two buildings down.” My mouth dropped open and I said “There is no way in hell I’m going to another government building. I’ll end up pregnant!”


43 Responses to I will never enter another federal building unless I’m being brought in handcuffed by federal marshals, which, let’s face it, is not outside the realm of possibility.

  1. Jena says:

    That “friend” owes you a few drinks! ha

  2. gooddog_baddog says:

    I went one time to fight a parking ticket I got and the only place I could find to park was a shit hole that only did valet parking because the lot was the size of a dime and they had to park the cars in like sardines and move them around to get another one out….anyways, to make it worse I had my gun with me and I wasn’t about to leave my gun in my car with them having the keys so I had no choice but to take it with me INTO the courthouse (at least I did have my permit).
    Upon entering I had to “declare” I was packing heat, show them my permit and ID and I had to unload it and place it into a lockbox. Ok, no big deal. BUT the friggin thing jammed when I went to unload the round I keep in the chamber. Trying to unjam a gun with a hollow point round in the chamber in front of cops in the city courthouse IS NOT FUN. I thought I was going to have to change my pants when I was done.

  3. Sue Dunham says:

    One gets used to the incremental abuse of power, but, really, this is no way to treat your citizens.

  4. Mark12A says:

    The only time they won’t ask for your id is when you vote. Interesting, eh?

  5. So, they get to protect the federal building like a goldmine? Isn’t a school a federal building, too?

    GAH!!! Makes me boil.

  6. Yabu says:

    I went into a federal building the other day, I had an appointment. The guard asked me what My SSN was, entered it into a terminal, and my name popped up. Then he looked at my photo ID. Damn, this shit is getting out of hand. Your papers please…

  7. Nicole says:

    That is completely absurd. Unfortunately, those who end up in positions like those guards are usually the folks who enjoy the power trip. Was someone important in the building that day or something? Or is that now SOP for entering a government building…they must think we the people are pretty dangerous…

    • Laura says:

      No one of any importance comes to South Carolina. Certainly not worth a pat down for. I love how power trippin’ they are though. They’d wet themselves and cry in the corner if there ever was a real security breach. You know they would.

  8. Jeffro says:

    Security Theater strikes again. Hope you felt safe and secure.

  9. Jan says:

    Visitors have to go through that to get into my lab too. And you don’t want to fuck with those rent-a-cops that they hire for security, just a couple of weeks ago the ones in my building shot and almost fucking killed a 15 year old kid for the high crime and misdemeanor of pulling into the wrong parking lot while joy-riding in his mom’s car. (They shot at the car and hit the kid twice, one in the foot, the other bullet grazed his fucking head.) There aren’t enough swear words in my vocabulary to describe the bastards. Now I have to worry every time I walk out to my car and back if I’m doing something “suspicious.” Talk about your hostile work environment.

    • Laura says:

      DAMN!! Shot just for pulling in your parking lot?? That’s fucked up.

      • Jan says:

        The kid was trying to get out of the parking lot, which only has one exit, and the guard threw himself in front of the car. The kid veered onto the grass at the last second, but clipped the guard slightly. All the guard had to do is jump out of the way, let the kid go and call the cops – it’s not like the kid was armed or anything, he was just waiting for a friend from the school next door. (There’s only the guard’s word for it that he was doing anything suspicious, the surveillance cameras around the parking lot didn’t see the kid doing anything.) Guard hasn’t been back thankfully, I hope they fired the bastard, he was always wound a little too tight for a suburban business park.

  10. patti says:

    My husband sort of works in a federal building. He’s sort of the big kahuna in his federal building, so the CSOs (big guard dudes) are all smiley and chatty with me when I visit – which isn’t often because parking is crappy here too and I’m a horse poop shoveling country girl type not a down town fancy wifey type. When they learned I had taken up regular um, hardware practice? They all wanted to talk to me about different um, hardware? And accessories – you know, those little metal bits that come out the end of the um, hardware? Every time I visited they wanted to know how I’d been doing, how often I was practicing etc. After about the 3rd or 4th time I sacheted through without the indignity of the standard pat down – and after yet another discussion of where the best prices for bulk little metal things that come out the end of the um, hardware? were to be had – one of the CSOs suddenly realized they never check my purse or ask about what might be in it. He came running down the hall – “Patti? You aren’t um – packing are you?” giggle. I wasn’t (because, you know, I’m a law abiding citizen and stuff) – but it was pretty funny seeing their faces when they suddenly realized they never asked …
    And no -Schools are not federal buildings, they are state buildings – and my son’s public high school has an armed police officer everyday, has for years. Don’t understand why they don’t all have armed officers!

    • Laura says:

      Don’t you know? Because the precious little darlings shouldn’t be subjected to the real world where people protect with guns.

      And you should have told the guard “Why yes I am. See?” And pulled it out. Ha!

  11. patti says:

    Hey Look everyone! Mrs Judge just got tackled in the hall by the CSOs!!!! heheheee

    • Laura says:

      No, I bet you could outrun them whilst discharging litle metal pieces from your hardware into the air screaming “Yippee Ki Yay, MOTHERFUCKERS!!!

  12. patti says:

    spew – hahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!

  13. Big Poppa Squat says:

    Every time I go in a Federal building I strip down at the car, leave my pocket knife, change,etc, but I always forget something. Last week it was steel toed boots and radar dish belt buckle. I know I can’t wear steel toed boots to the airport, but when I go there I just wear an oversized orange jumpsuit and flip flops.

  14. scr_north says:

    Well, remember that people have been trading off their freedoms, piece by piece for years now through the ballot box and allowing legislation go unchallenged. Government (any government) won’t easily give up power (or revenue) as both those are their reasons for being. We have to make a choice at one point and that is accept more risk and limit government or be prepared to show your papers at the roadblocks. Damn, I’m such a downer. I need to get a dog.

  15. Azygos says:

    I was headed into the AG’s building with a coworker to file a medicare complaint (thats another story) when I realized they have a magnamometer. Been in the Capitol building many times and they don’t search you. Anyway, I stopped short of the door and my coworker asked what was wrong. I paused a second and said, Nothing and walked inside.

    I walked up to the guard and told him I was armed. He guided me to the lock boxes where I had to put my license and weapon for lockup.

    Later during the interview with the inspectors they asked for my license. I told them it was locked up. Only one of the four was bright enough to realize I had come in armed. As I was getting my license out of the box one of the guys asked me why I carry a weapon. I could have said a number of things so I just told him the truth. I carry a weapon because I have had to use it twice in my own home here in Phoenix. He shut up after that.

  16. Jess says:

    That sucks. Paying people to molest us is not part of a healthy society.

  17. glen says:

    The sad thing is you could walk in with a whole backpack full of C4 and they wouldn’t even slow you down or ask a single question.

  18. Kim says:

    I bet you guys were wearing cheap cologne! That’s it!

  19. Aurora says:

    They must’ve been too shy to ask for your number. I’m somewhat convinced those guys have to have had multiple harassment claims filled against them to even qualify for those types of jobs (I’m looking at you, TSA). They made me throw away an almost full jar of Nutella. I loathe them.

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