Everyone needs a fleet of flying monkeys to rip the stuffing out of the annoying people in their lives
— Laura

No, I didn’t run away and I haven’t died, though there were days I thought I would do both. My rabies keeps flaring up and I think I’m in Stage 4 renal and liver failure, but besides that, I am fine and back to blogging just in time to tell you about last night’s celebrity dream. These are the dreams where I dream about a celebrity I want to get biblical with but never do. I guess dreams imitate life. Or life imitates dreams. I don’t know. All I know is y’all will probably regret the emails and messages requesting I start blogging again.

This dream started with me driving down the road and seeing a flea market sign. I stopped and went in and it was packed with people. I was walking along when I looked beside me and saw:

Justin Timberlake.

I smiled and awkwardly said “Hi Justin Timberlake!” and he smiled and said “Hi.” Then he stopped and said “I think I hurt my leg.” and pulled up his pants leg and there was a cut on his calf that didn’t look too bad, but I said “Oh Justin Timberlake, that looks bad! Come get in my car and I’ll drive you to the hospital.” all the while knowing by “hospital” I meant “my house” where I could seduce him with my compassion and shit as I put a bandaid on his wound. He agreed, and we started cutting through the crowd, but when we got outside I couldn’t find my car. I thought ‘DAMMIT! I HAVE TO FIND MY CAR SO I CAN MAKE OUT WITH JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE!” We looked and looked and couldn’t find it so we went back inside the flea market and were walking along, talking and then made the plan to go get his car, which he said was parked on the other end of the market. So we’re walking through a crowd of people and all I could think about was that I was going to be making out with Justin Timberlake soon when all of a sudden I saw a Mexican dude wearing a pair of these:

I stopped and stared at them, wondering “why?” and when I looked up, Justin Timberlake was gone, lost in the crowd. I was all “NOOOOOOooooOOOO!” and I started to run through the crowd searching for him and I looked down and I had no pants on and I thought “OH MY GOD I DON’T HAVE ANY PANTS ON! THIS IS HUMILIATING! FUCK, DID I HAVE PANTS ON WHILE I WAS TALKING TO JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE?” and then I woke up.


42 Responses to Just when you thought it was safe to start reading blogs again…

  1. silvia says:

    she is back!!

  2. MorningGlory says:

    I had that dream once! Only it was Matthew McConaughey, not Justin Timberlake. And we were at a Monster Truck Rally (I’ve never,ever in my life). And I kept my pants on. I was just as disappointed as you were when I woke up.

  3. Jess says:

    There’s some psychological explanation for being in public without any pants. Usually, with me, it means I’m in Walmart and drunk.

  4. Jena says:

    AHAHAHHA!!! You hand NO pants on! I know… I was in the crowd snapping pics.

    I have seen those boots with my own eyes on Mexicans. I like to watch them walk… or try to.

  5. kelly says:

    But wouldn’t missing your pants fit right in to what you were planning to do to Justin Timberlake?

    Or maybe that’s why he got “lost” in the crowd….


  6. Mars says:

    I live in South Texas and I can guarantee I have seen boots that curve back so big, they almost touch the leg. This has to be the most ridiculous fashion statement I have ever seen!

  7. Rosie says:

    “Why?” is exactly what I was thinking when I looked at those shoes!

  8. glen says:

    Damn…I didn’t know they made cowboy boots for elves !!! did you look down ?? Is Justin an Elf ??

  9. Cheryl Lundgren says:

    Welcome back! We missed you.

    As for the missing pants dream, so much better than your spouse/boyfriend/lover is cheating on you dream where you wake up totally pissed and stay pissed at them all day long. And they walk around going, “What’d I do?”

    As for the shoes, there is no accounting for taste.

  10. Mark12A says:

    Some people call these “dreams” and others call them “delirium tremens”. Are you cooking your own gin?

  11. Big Poppa Squat says:

    Gotta get some of those boots! I’ll need a chauffeur, since it’s clearly impossible to drive wearing them.

  12. LusherLaRue says:

    Aaaahhhhhhhhhh. Glad to have you back. I feel much better now. I promised I would give you attention to feed the attention whore in you if you would blog again, so here is your attention. You rock, your blog rocks and your dreams rock. My single nephew looks just like Justin Timberlake. Maybe I can set you up with him – if you don’t mind dating a younger man.

    • Laura says:

      J might have a problem with that. I do have a free pass with actual celebrities though. I mean, in my head I do, I haven’t mentioned it to J. HA! And thank you.

  13. They sell those boots at the flea market down the street from me.

    Are you telling me your were nearby in your dream and didn’t stop to say HI??? WTF??

  14. Jeffro says:

    Generally, when my pants are off, it’s TEST TIME, and I DIDN’T STUDY, so it’s panic, panic, panic and wake up in a cold sweat.

    And of course, if I’m gonna be gettin’ it on with some sexah babe celebrity, I wake up before anything happens. Every. Stinking. Time.

  15. CGHill says:

    The next stage, of course, is “WHY DO I HAVE PANTS ON? JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE IS HERE!”

  16. Nicole says:

    Why are celebs always teases like that? My dreams where I see biblicalosity with a celeb headed my way never have happy endings. Even in my dreams I’m not good enough for the cool kids.

  17. ManhattanMaven says:

    O.M.G….here i was feeling SO guilty about being AWOL from your blog for MONTHS…only to discover that your coverage of same can be called SPOTTY at BEST…LOL!! I DO have a most excellent excuse for my absence…i got a DOG!! A 3 pound Yorkie named Addison but i call her “Diva” cause that’s SO what she is!! This puppy’s little feet should never hit the pavement…i’ve tried and she HATES it. She was clearly made to hunker down in the assortment of terribly chic doggie purses i’ve bought. It’s a good thing i can tote her around everywhere i go because she’s working up to a world class case of separation anxiety. YIKES!! She’ll be sound asleep on the bed and i’ll quietly get up and go into the bathroom…and EVERY TIME…by the time i get “seated”…there she is with her little nose poking through the bars of her doggie gate…looking PATHETIC!! (I got the SAME step over gate you did….also from Amazon…i just LOVE those people!!) I’m LOVING being a doggie mom…but DANG…i get NOTHING done anymore!! My house is a disaster…i’ll go DAYS without bathing…i’m a SIGHT…and i’ve virtually abandoned all my favorite bloggers!!

    • Laura says:

      Congrats! And don’t worry, your house will get messier! And welcome back, umm, I guess. I’ve been MIA for sure and now it’s hard to get back into the swing of blogging. Life is hard that way.

      You should send pics of Addison aka Diva in one of those purses.

  18. Wow. Had you seen those boots in real life before dreaming about them? Or did your subconscious come up with them on its own and then it turned out they totally actually existed?

    Either way, pretty weird.

    • Laura says:

      THOSE are real and they are called Mexican Cowboy Boots. They will stop you in your tracks and you will stare and think “What the fuck?” Fact.

  19. zonker says:

    I need a pair of those boots.

  20. Mhm says:

    I hate dreams like that. Why can you never make a clean departure? Always keeping the woman down.

    You need to start posting on the reg more. If you knew how much time I waste checking for a new post, I kinda think you’d feel bad. Just showin’ the love.

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