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Warning: Creating default object from empty value in /home/jimstant/public_html/fetchmyflyingmonkeys/wp-content/themes/platformpro/admin/class.options.metapanel.php on line 49 There’s only one thing I suck at worse than routinely blogging anymore, and that’s keeping friends. Thank God I have Wilson and you guys. | Fetch My Flying Monkeys
Some friends and I were sitting around eating lunch and one of them said someone they knew with the honest-to-God last name of Cheeseburger was having a baby and they were going to name it Chelsea. All of them seemed to think that was a good baby name. I didn’t. I said if I was having a kid (GOD FORBID), and my last name was Cheeseburger, I’d name it Greasy and have it a brother and name it Bacon, which of course lead to all of us making baby names.
Here’s just a few I can remember:
Banana Boatwright
Jacques Strap
Notso Bright
Al Bino Walken
Dan Druff Flake
Jack Goff
Then I said most people have boring last names so it would be cooler to name your kid whatever you think will happen to it in life. Then I pointed to one of my friends and said “Your daughter would be named Pregnant at Fourteen Smith“ then I pointed to another and said “Yours would be Posing For Playboy Harris” and then I turned to another and said ”Yours would be Blowing For Crack McMillian.” Suddenly I realized that I was the only one laughing and I remembered that these friends have kids already, daughters to be exact, and probably didn’t appreciate my fortune-tellin’ baby namin’. Oops. So I took a big gulp of my water, swallowed, and said “Oh, chill the fuck out, mine would be Stabbed In Prison Ledford.”
Here's a picture of Wilson drinking tall shots of limoncello with me. When I told Wilson that his kid would be named "Prop In A Beach Porn Scene" he laughed and laughed. Because that's what friends do. Laugh. Oh, and drink limoncello shots with you and then lets you bounce them against the wall repeatedly.
97 Responses to There’s only one thing I suck at worse than routinely blogging anymore, and that’s keeping friends. Thank God I have Wilson and you guys.
I have a friend who has a daughter named Chelsea. When she was 3-5, we called her “Chelsea Cheeseburger”. I shit you not! Thanks for the rememberence and laugh this morning!
Laura, real friends suck. There is one on my sofa now that I can’t get rid of, short of moving to a new house while she goes to pick up her gin and cigs. On the other hand, my favorite friend is the one who hasn’t spoken to me in 7 weeks. A real time saver, and my blood pressure is stable, cause I spend less time waiting to punch her throat.
Good Lawd!! You need a Wilson. And there’s no way I’d let a friend crash that didn’t contribute to the household. They’d get out. even if it’s by gunpoint. Ha!
Kind of tame, but I knew a woman named Eileen Dover. Too bad her husband’s name wasn’t Ben. I knew another woman named Dickhaus, but she was far too humorless to accept any goodnatured taunts, so we just di it behind her back.
I’ve done everything possible to keep from having to name a kid. Probably told some lies along the way, but I’m safe. Don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against children, I just don’t want one. I chose the path of sport fucking.
I had a grade school classmate named Candy Barr. It did not help that she was chubby – she caught fifteen kinds of shit. Poor kid – never heard what happened to her. I always figured her to climb a clock tower.
Our basketball coach always claimed he’d name his firstborn son Jim Nasium, but he did not, the chicken.
I went to school with a kid named Pete Moss. Yeah, that’s pretty tame, but still: what kind of parents DO that?
I like bizarre, elaborate, and slightly anachronistic names. It’s probably good I never had kids because I’d probably have wound up naming one of them Xerxes or Ermentrude or something. And then paying their therapists’ bills for the rest of my life.
I went to school with a Minnie Maid and a Harry Peters. This was up North though. We have some wierd names but I was in SC once and names down there you can not even pronounce. They’re all vowels. Craaaazy.
What I’ve seen here is the mispronunciation of names. They’re spelled one way and then pronounced another. It’s like their mommas didn’t know how to spell when they filled out the birth certificate.
I used to work with a woman with the name ‘Tootie Shamburger’. And once had an apartment next to ‘Richard Sweat’ (think about it).
When my wife was pregnant, she shot down every name I came up with. Which sucks, because “Androclese Volkswagon” or “Horatio Maud’dib” or “Xerxes Melchior” would have been fucking awesome.
I had a friend whose girlfriend was having a baby. They were not married. His last name was Young, her last name Lehman (pronounced layman). We were drinking one night, talking about what they would name their child. I (in a clear stroke of brilliance) said “If it’s a boy, you should name it Phil. And hyphenate the last name” They looked at me confused, until I said it out loud: “Phil Lehman-Young” (Filet Mignon) bahaha. Good stuff.
What a coincidence! When I was a kid, I knew a James James also. His legal name. He looked like Richard Thomas and he had a brother named Jesse, among other weird siblings. Most of them were intellectually challenged. My guess is because their parents were first cousins. True story.
I had a friend with the last name of “Vincent.” I told him he should name his son “Van Gogh.”
Van Gogh Vincent. Priceless.
Another acquaintance had the last name of “Sclut.”
No shit, for real.
Told him to name his son “Huckleberry” because he was going to get the shit beat out of him in grade school, he might as well have a cool name for his trouble.
You like goats so much, you’ve written of your dream of having them in your yard (although they would destroy your yard and leave it looking like a nuke site.)
I saw that story about the 150 or so vultures showing up in a NC neighborhood (I know you’re in SC)….and I thought “Oh no, they’ve found Laura’s dead hooker dumping grounds !”
I am going through withdrawals and it is not pretty. Nope. Not. At. All. I am pretty sure my head did a 360 last night and my cats won’t come near me. Heeeeelllllllllllllpppppppppp
I will comment incessantly. I promise. Anything to stop the cravings. BTW, my last name is Hart, so you can imagine the names we have come up with over the years – Red, Broken, Aching, Bleeding, Blocked, Loving, Joy Us, etc. Go on, have fun with it.
I have a friend who has a daughter named Chelsea. When she was 3-5, we called her “Chelsea Cheeseburger”. I shit you not! Thanks for the rememberence and laugh this morning!
Ha! Shame their last name wasn’t actually Cheeseburger.
SHE’S BACK !!!!!!!!!!!!
For now anyway.
totally spit my coffe out.. and then chokedalmost to death.. God Laura, I hope you had a planned escape route…..
Always.
I LOL’d at “Greasy”. Mine would be named Walmart Killing Spree Sniper Rifle Gillentine. (Yes almost pronounced as Guillotine)
That’s a great name! It can be friends with Stabbed.
At least your last lunch with them was filled with awesomeness.
You know, most of my last moments with ex- friends we’re filled with awesomeness. But I guess they’d disagree.
Hubby had a friend in jr. high named Krysta Shanda Leer.
I am not joking.
HaHa! THAT is a fantastic name!
Laura, real friends suck. There is one on my sofa now that I can’t get rid of, short of moving to a new house while she goes to pick up her gin and cigs. On the other hand, my favorite friend is the one who hasn’t spoken to me in 7 weeks. A real time saver, and my blood pressure is stable, cause I spend less time waiting to punch her throat.
Wilson is the keeper here.
Good Lawd!! You need a Wilson. And there’s no way I’d let a friend crash that didn’t contribute to the household. They’d get out. even if it’s by gunpoint. Ha!
There you go. Once again, Wilson proves he’s your bff.
Have you ever thought of filling him with helium, getting him high, and laughing while he tries to tell you something serious?
Now that would be funny.
My kid’s name would be: Had To Be Taken Out Of The House By A Crane, After They Chainsawed An Extra Large Doorway Papadapolous… …if I married a Greek.
HaHa! Hmmmm Greek food.
Kind of tame, but I knew a woman named Eileen Dover. Too bad her husband’s name wasn’t Ben. I knew another woman named Dickhaus, but she was far too humorless to accept any goodnatured taunts, so we just di it behind her back.
Ahh you should have given her a good ribbing anyway.
I’ve done everything possible to keep from having to name a kid. Probably told some lies along the way, but I’m safe. Don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against children, I just don’t want one. I chose the path of sport fucking.
How’s Jack?, and have a nice weekend.
Oh lawd a mercy! I never wanted a kid either!
Jack is doing great! He all badass now.
I had a grade school classmate named Candy Barr. It did not help that she was chubby – she caught fifteen kinds of shit. Poor kid – never heard what happened to her. I always figured her to climb a clock tower.
Our basketball coach always claimed he’d name his firstborn son Jim Nasium, but he did not, the chicken.
Poor kid. You really have no choice but to climb a tower.
That is the most fucked last name I have ever heard.Poor girl.I once had a long time customer named Dick Goff.
You know I’m wondering where in the hell that name originated.
I’m going to rename my kids to “Don’t you think it’s time you got the fuck outta my house”.
All of them except for the first one, cause she’s already out.
HA! Have them packed by graduation.
There’s really only so much intolerance we can tolerate from our friends. Stick with Wilson.
That’s what I’m thinkin’.
I went to school with a kid named Pete Moss. Yeah, that’s pretty tame, but still: what kind of parents DO that?
I like bizarre, elaborate, and slightly anachronistic names. It’s probably good I never had kids because I’d probably have wound up naming one of them Xerxes or Ermentrude or something. And then paying their therapists’ bills for the rest of my life.
NO! It would make them stronger! Ha!
Or you could do what my husand’s parents did and name their child LeRoy. Spent his life regretting that choice.
Ha! Is that French?
There should be a joke in there someplace about eating a cheeseburger.
You just did. Ha!
Excellent names. And Limoncello….yum!
Limoncello is yum.
I went to school with a Minnie Maid and a Harry Peters. This was up North though. We have some wierd names but I was in SC once and names down there you can not even pronounce. They’re all vowels. Craaaazy.
What I’ve seen here is the mispronunciation of names. They’re spelled one way and then pronounced another. It’s like their mommas didn’t know how to spell when they filled out the birth certificate.
I went to a school with a girl named Buffy Cox and she lived up to her name.
Ha! So her parents knew her destiny, eh?
I know someone named Robert Sox… we call him Bobby… for realz… Bobby Sox.
That’s a pretty cool name.
In my chat days (back in the 1990s), I briefly used the pseudonym “Big Harry” Diehl.
Ha! Now tell us some of your raunchier chat names. Ha!
Actually, that was about as raunchy as I got. (I’m such a prude.)
Ooo! Ooo! I’m preggers. Predict my baby name!
Ha! Oh, I’m not touching that one.
Chicken! (You, not the baby name…)
=)
I cant wait to see the music version of “Hitchiker give psyco the ax”…..it ought to be really good.
You just know that’s coming.
http://www.uproxx.com/webculture/2013/02/kai-the-homeless-hitchhiker-autotuned/
It’s on itunes now.
Good lawd.
I used to work with a woman with the name ‘Tootie Shamburger’. And once had an apartment next to ‘Richard Sweat’ (think about it).
When my wife was pregnant, she shot down every name I came up with. Which sucks, because “Androclese Volkswagon” or “Horatio Maud’dib” or “Xerxes Melchior” would have been fucking awesome.
Man, she should have let you name that baby. You’re like a baby name scientist.
I had a friend whose girlfriend was having a baby. They were not married. His last name was Young, her last name Lehman (pronounced layman). We were drinking one night, talking about what they would name their child. I (in a clear stroke of brilliance) said “If it’s a boy, you should name it Phil. And hyphenate the last name” They looked at me confused, until I said it out loud: “Phil Lehman-Young” (Filet Mignon) bahaha. Good stuff.
Ha! That is a pretty good one.
In 4-5th grade (don’t remember exact) There was a boy we called James James. SERIOUSLY. It was his first and last name. He was a dick.
Dick Richard.
What a coincidence! When I was a kid, I knew a James James also. His legal name. He looked like Richard Thomas and he had a brother named Jesse, among other weird siblings. Most of them were intellectually challenged. My guess is because their parents were first cousins. True story.
P.S. He wasn’t a dick, just a odd duck.
I knew a Jesse James!
These are Real names:
Hap Hazard
Anita Martini
Ha! Anita Nap.
ba da bing..
I had a friend with the last name of “Vincent.” I told him he should name his son “Van Gogh.”
Van Gogh Vincent. Priceless.
Another acquaintance had the last name of “Sclut.”
No shit, for real.
Told him to name his son “Huckleberry” because he was going to get the shit beat out of him in grade school, he might as well have a cool name for his trouble.
Huckleberry Sclut. Heh.
That’s a horrible last name, especially for girls.
Happy VD! I mean Valentine’s Day, not that other thing!
Happy VD!!
Laura,
Please blog, I’m having withdrawals!
I will soon, promise.
I saw a video of goats that sound like people yelling. I don’t know why, but I thought of you.
If you see it, you’ll like it.
“I thought of you” umm, thanks? Ha!
You like goats so much, you’ve written of your dream of having them in your yard (although they would destroy your yard and leave it looking like a nuke site.)
That’s why I thought of you.
Thanks.
Was it this video:
http://lookababywolf.com/archives/5451#comments
I thought of Laura as soon as I saw it.
I’ve seen that! Some of those are sheep too.
I saw that story about the 150 or so vultures showing up in a NC neighborhood (I know you’re in SC)….and I thought “Oh no, they’ve found Laura’s dead hooker dumping grounds !”
Shit. They’d give away my whore burial ground location.
Hope all is well with Jack…..
He’s doing great.
Shane! Shane! Come back!
I’m trying!
OFFICIAL BLOGSTALKER NOTICE: I miss you. Take that to the bank.
I will return soon!
Are you doing this on purpose, to see how many people tell you they miss you? Well, here’s another one, I miss you!
Ha! No, was just super busy- I plan on starting to blog again on Monday.
I am going through withdrawals and it is not pretty. Nope. Not. At. All. I am pretty sure my head did a 360 last night and my cats won’t come near me. Heeeeelllllllllllllpppppppppp
I’m startung Monday. Now, I count on you to comment to feed my attention whore.
I will comment incessantly. I promise. Anything to stop the cravings. BTW, my last name is Hart, so you can imagine the names we have come up with over the years – Red, Broken, Aching, Bleeding, Blocked, Loving, Joy Us, etc. Go on, have fun with it.
Then someone in your family needs to be named Mya and marry a Burns and hyphenate the last names.
Went to high school with Jeff Head. His father was named Richard. And as a real estate agent, his signs were all over.
Ha! And he should have named a child Gimme.
OMG… the bats. So adorable.
I know!
If you haven’t already seen this, it’s got GOATS!
http://lookababywolf.com/archives/5451
Ha! I have! Goats should be in everything.