Everyone needs a fleet of flying monkeys to rip the stuffing out of the annoying people in their lives
— Laura

Some friends and I were sitting around eating lunch and one of them said someone they knew with the honest-to-God last name of Cheeseburger was having a baby and they were going to name it Chelsea. All of them seemed to think that was a good baby name. I didn’t. I said if I was having a kid (GOD FORBID), and my last name was Cheeseburger, I’d name it Greasy and have it a brother and name it Bacon, which of course lead to all of us making baby names.

Here’s just a few I can remember:

Banana Boatwright
Jacques Strap
Notso Bright
Al Bino Walken
Dan Druff Flake
Jack Goff

Then I said most people have boring last names so it would be cooler to name your kid whatever you think will happen to it in life. Then I pointed to one of my friends and said “Your daughter would be named Pregnant at Fourteen Smith“ then I pointed to another and said “Yours would be Posing For Playboy Harris” and then I turned to another and said ”Yours would be Blowing For Crack McMillian.” Suddenly I realized that I was the only one laughing and I remembered that these friends have kids already, daughters to be exact, and probably didn’t appreciate my fortune-tellin’ baby namin’. Oops. So I took a big gulp of my water, swallowed, and said “Oh, chill the fuck out, mine would be Stabbed In Prison Ledford.”

Here's a picture of Wilson drinking tall shots of limoncello with me. When I told Wilson that his kid would be named "Prop In A Beach Porn Scene" he laughed and laughed. Because that's what friends do. Laugh. Oh, and drink limoncello shots with you and then lets you bounce them against the wall repeatedly.


97 Responses to There’s only one thing I suck at worse than routinely blogging anymore, and that’s keeping friends. Thank God I have Wilson and you guys.

  1. Michelle says:

    I have a friend who has a daughter named Chelsea. When she was 3-5, we called her “Chelsea Cheeseburger”. I shit you not! Thanks for the rememberence and laugh this morning!

  2. FratBoy says:

    SHE’S BACK !!!!!!!!!!!!

  3. Tomlinson says:

    totally spit my coffe out.. and then chokedalmost to death.. God Laura, I hope you had a planned escape route…..

  4. Jena says:

    I LOL’d at “Greasy”. Mine would be named Walmart Killing Spree Sniper Rifle Gillentine. (Yes almost pronounced as Guillotine)

  5. Mhm says:

    At least your last lunch with them was filled with awesomeness.

  6. Hubby had a friend in jr. high named Krysta Shanda Leer.

    I am not joking.

  7. Suzanne says:

    Laura, real friends suck. There is one on my sofa now that I can’t get rid of, short of moving to a new house while she goes to pick up her gin and cigs. On the other hand, my favorite friend is the one who hasn’t spoken to me in 7 weeks. A real time saver, and my blood pressure is stable, cause I spend less time waiting to punch her throat.

    Wilson is the keeper here.

    • Laura says:

      Good Lawd!! You need a Wilson. And there’s no way I’d let a friend crash that didn’t contribute to the household. They’d get out. even if it’s by gunpoint. Ha!

  8. Jess says:

    There you go. Once again, Wilson proves he’s your bff.

    Have you ever thought of filling him with helium, getting him high, and laughing while he tries to tell you something serious?

  9. Rosie says:

    My kid’s name would be: Had To Be Taken Out Of The House By A Crane, After They Chainsawed An Extra Large Doorway Papadapolous… …if I married a Greek.

  10. Pug Mahon says:

    Kind of tame, but I knew a woman named Eileen Dover. Too bad her husband’s name wasn’t Ben. I knew another woman named Dickhaus, but she was far too humorless to accept any goodnatured taunts, so we just di it behind her back.

  11. Yabu says:

    I’ve done everything possible to keep from having to name a kid. Probably told some lies along the way, but I’m safe. Don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against children, I just don’t want one. I chose the path of sport fucking.

    How’s Jack?, and have a nice weekend.

  12. Jeffro says:

    I had a grade school classmate named Candy Barr. It did not help that she was chubby – she caught fifteen kinds of shit. Poor kid – never heard what happened to her. I always figured her to climb a clock tower.

    Our basketball coach always claimed he’d name his firstborn son Jim Nasium, but he did not, the chicken.

  13. LyleLovett666 says:

    That is the most fucked last name I have ever heard.Poor girl.I once had a long time customer named Dick Goff.

  14. Larry says:

    I’m going to rename my kids to “Don’t you think it’s time you got the fuck outta my house”.

    All of them except for the first one, cause she’s already out.

  15. Tea says:

    There’s really only so much intolerance we can tolerate from our friends. Stick with Wilson.

  16. fillyjonk says:

    I went to school with a kid named Pete Moss. Yeah, that’s pretty tame, but still: what kind of parents DO that?

    I like bizarre, elaborate, and slightly anachronistic names. It’s probably good I never had kids because I’d probably have wound up naming one of them Xerxes or Ermentrude or something. And then paying their therapists’ bills for the rest of my life.

  17. Mark12A says:

    There should be a joke in there someplace about eating a cheeseburger.

  18. Nicole says:

    Excellent names. And Limoncello….yum!

  19. Great Expectations says:

    I went to school with a Minnie Maid and a Harry Peters. This was up North though. We have some wierd names but I was in SC once and names down there you can not even pronounce. They’re all vowels. Craaaazy.

    • Laura says:

      What I’ve seen here is the mispronunciation of names. They’re spelled one way and then pronounced another. It’s like their mommas didn’t know how to spell when they filled out the birth certificate.

  20. Melissa says:

    I went to a school with a girl named Buffy Cox and she lived up to her name.

  21. Holiday says:

    I know someone named Robert Sox… we call him Bobby… for realz… Bobby Sox.

  22. CGHill says:

    In my chat days (back in the 1990s), I briefly used the pseudonym “Big Harry” Diehl.

  23. Ooo! Ooo! I’m preggers. Predict my baby name!

  24. Great Expectations says:

    I cant wait to see the music version of “Hitchiker give psyco the ax”…..it ought to be really good.

  25. Harbqll says:

    I used to work with a woman with the name ‘Tootie Shamburger’. And once had an apartment next to ‘Richard Sweat’ (think about it).

    When my wife was pregnant, she shot down every name I came up with. Which sucks, because “Androclese Volkswagon” or “Horatio Maud’dib” or “Xerxes Melchior” would have been fucking awesome.

  26. Rose says:

    I had a friend whose girlfriend was having a baby. They were not married. His last name was Young, her last name Lehman (pronounced layman). We were drinking one night, talking about what they would name their child. I (in a clear stroke of brilliance) said “If it’s a boy, you should name it Phil. And hyphenate the last name” They looked at me confused, until I said it out loud: “Phil Lehman-Young” (Filet Mignon) bahaha. Good stuff.

  27. Jena says:

    In 4-5th grade (don’t remember exact) There was a boy we called James James. SERIOUSLY. It was his first and last name. He was a dick.

  28. SB Smith says:

    These are Real names:

    Hap Hazard

    Anita Martini

  29. Wiccapundit says:

    I had a friend with the last name of “Vincent.” I told him he should name his son “Van Gogh.”

    Van Gogh Vincent. Priceless.

    Another acquaintance had the last name of “Sclut.”

    No shit, for real.

    Told him to name his son “Huckleberry” because he was going to get the shit beat out of him in grade school, he might as well have a cool name for his trouble.

    Huckleberry Sclut. Heh.

  30. Rosie says:

    Happy VD! I mean Valentine’s Day, not that other thing! :)

  31. Amber says:


    Please blog, I’m having withdrawals!

  32. Jess says:

    I saw a video of goats that sound like people yelling. I don’t know why, but I thought of you.

    If you see it, you’ll like it.

  33. SB Smith says:

    I saw that story about the 150 or so vultures showing up in a NC neighborhood (I know you’re in SC)….and I thought “Oh no, they’ve found Laura’s dead hooker dumping grounds !”

  34. SB Smith says:

    Hope all is well with Jack…..

  35. Jeffro says:

    Shane! Shane! Come back!

  36. jo says:

    OFFICIAL BLOGSTALKER NOTICE: I miss you. Take that to the bank.

  37. Rosie says:

    Are you doing this on purpose, to see how many people tell you they miss you? Well, here’s another one, I miss you!

  38. LusherLaRue says:

    I am going through withdrawals and it is not pretty. Nope. Not. At. All. I am pretty sure my head did a 360 last night and my cats won’t come near me. Heeeeelllllllllllllpppppppppp

    • Laura says:

      I’m startung Monday. Now, I count on you to comment to feed my attention whore.

      • LusherLaRue says:

        I will comment incessantly. I promise. Anything to stop the cravings. BTW, my last name is Hart, so you can imagine the names we have come up with over the years – Red, Broken, Aching, Bleeding, Blocked, Loving, Joy Us, etc. Go on, have fun with it.

  39. Tal says:

    Went to high school with Jeff Head. His father was named Richard. And as a real estate agent, his signs were all over.

  40. Nicole says:

    OMG… the bats. So adorable.

  41. Hunt Johnsen says:

    If you haven’t already seen this, it’s got GOATS!


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