Everyone needs a fleet of flying monkeys to rip the stuffing out of the annoying people in their lives
— Laura

I decided that my usual diet of gin and Circus Peanuts with the occasinal bacon sandwich needed to be supplemented with a daily vitamin so I went out and purchased a bottle of One-A-Days. Then I took them to work and left them there figuring it was the best place to remember to take one at least five days a week. The following is the conversation that took place when my manager walked in my office as I was opening the bottle.

Me: “Oh. My. God. Look at the size of these things!”

Manager: ”What? They’re not that big.”

Me: “I’ve seen horse pills that were smaller! I don’t know if I can even choke one of these monstrosities down.”

Manager: “Oh that’s nothing. I take about five pills that size or larger every morning, usually at the same time.”

Me: “That’s why your milkshake brings all the boys to the yard.”

Manager: “What?”

Me: “I said that I needed more water.”



39 Responses to My kingdom for a Friday!

  1. Spewing hot coffee in the dark isn’t a good thing, damn it.

    But I’m still laughing :D

  2. Jena says:

    Poor Laura. I may have never heard the whole song, but I knew what you were talking about.

    And my how you must suffer the poor ignorant masses. My condolences. I don’t know how you do it…

    LOL!!! Ok…. I didn’t type all that with a straight face!

  3. Suzanne says:

    I am concerned that your workplace is corrupting your morals. I cannot imagine having to deal with such loose women daily (and I work on a college campus).

    As we ramp up to Easter, perhaps a spider display of stoning an adulteress could be instructive to the ‘bunch o bitches.’

  4. Manager says:

    What exactly does that mean? I have heard that before.I’m sure someone out there knows.

  5. Tea says:

    WHY are vitamins so freaking big?! I tried being all healthy and junk, but I couldn’t wash the fistful of vitamins down with one vodka tonic, and I was too lazy to make another, so I started only taking half. Now I’m half as healthy as I should be, but twice as healthy as I was, right? I don’t know much about math. Or nutrition.

  6. Mark12A says:

    I’m going to forego my usual jokes about choking on things.


  7. Rosie says:

    Oh, so THAT’S what a milkshake is!!!

  8. Cheryl Lundgren says:

    Okay. I admit I’m naive and slow on the pickup. Is your manager a woman?

  9. Jess says:

    Too many of those vitamins look like suppositories, which makes me wonder if they ever confuse the two.

    Personally, after dealing with vitamin Nazis, I think they do.

    • Laura says:

      I used to have a pharmacist I would joke with a lot and every time he’d hand me a script , giving directions I would say “Anally?” Like “Take one pill twice a day.” “Anally?” And we’d laugh and laugh.

      • Jess says:

        You may laugh, but I bet there’s an entire cottage industry to be created with anal vitamins. If they can convince people to give themselves an alcohol enema, it’s not a great reach to expect the same reaction from vitamin Nazis. They’re obsessed and would stick them in their ears if they thought they could get greater benefits from their alphabet pills.

  10. Nicole says:

    I think I benefit from having them on my desk. That’s all the farther they usually make it towards my insides. Like apples and fruit. On my desk till they rot makes me healthier.

  11. LyleLovett666 says:

    I’m aroused and confused.I should also get some vitamins.

  12. patti says:

    You need a lawn T-Rex!!!!

  13. Otter says:

    hmm, gummi vitamins are way better than butt-pills. Get some chocolate calcium too! do they still make those?

  14. Ali says:

    Great, now I’m going to have that song stuck in my head all night. Thanks, Laura. Eff you!

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