Dreams are total bullshit and no one really wants to listen to someone’s bullshit dreams so with that being said, here’s my bullshit dream:
Sunday night I dreamt I was walking down a narrow, country dirt road and it was getting dark and I started thinking “Shit, I better get home soon.” I knew home was too far to get to before dark and I mentally debated about running but decided against it because the road was rough and I didn’t want to twist an ankle. Then, all of a sudden, I heard a car approaching from behind me and I turned and saw an old rusted-out orange Camaro with a black racing stripe on the hood coming towards me. I debated about hitchhiking but thought “Nah” so I got way over on the side of the road so it could pass without hitting me. I was on the passenger side when the car stopped beside me and I heard a male voice say ”Need a ride?” I couldn’t see the rider so I just said “No thanks.” and kept on walking. The car started moving beside me and I heard that same male voice say “Get the fuck in the car, Laura, I’m not even kidding.” I stopped and thought “Who the hell is this? They must know me.” I bent down and looked in and sitting in the driver seat was a giant spider with two legs on the steering wheel and one leg holding a gun on me. He repeated “Get in.” Well, I knew I didn’t want to get in a car with a giant spider, particularly an armed giant spider, so it took me less than a split second to decide to start running.
I started running through a field, all zigzaggy, thinking I’d make a harder target and figuring I could find some cover somewhere. Bullets where flying all around me and I thought “Shit, that’s more than one gun!” Then I realized that the spider had more than one gun and since he had eight legs he was probably firing a gun from each leg. I started zigzagging more, and more bullets were flying and there were still no trees to hide behind and I thought “FUCK, there really should be gun control for spiders!” Then a bullet tore through my left ear and I woke up to find Thelma laying next to my head on that side purring all loud and shit, so I scooted her off of the bed, rolled over, and went back to sleep.42 Comments