Everyone needs a fleet of flying monkeys to rip the stuffing out of the annoying people in their lives
— Laura

Dreams are total bullshit and no one really wants to listen to someone’s bullshit dreams so with that being said, here’s my bullshit dream:

Sunday night I dreamt I was walking down a narrow, country dirt road and it was getting dark and I started thinking “Shit, I better get home soon.” I knew home was too far to get to before dark and I mentally debated about running but decided against it because the road was rough and I didn’t want to twist an ankle. Then, all of a sudden, I heard a car approaching from behind me and I turned and saw an old rusted-out orange Camaro with a black racing stripe on the hood coming towards me. I debated about hitchhiking but thought “Nah” so I got way over on the side of the road so it could pass without hitting me. I was on the passenger side when the car stopped beside me and I heard a male voice say ”Need a ride?” I couldn’t see the rider so I just said “No thanks.” and kept on walking. The car started moving beside me and I heard that same male voice say “Get the fuck in the car, Laura, I’m not even kidding.” I stopped and thought “Who the hell is this? They must know me.” I bent down and looked in and sitting in the driver seat was a giant spider with two legs on the steering wheel and one leg holding a gun on me. He repeated “Get in.” Well, I knew I didn’t want to get in a car with a giant spider, particularly an armed giant spider, so it took me less than a split second to decide to start running.

I started running through a field, all zigzaggy, thinking I’d make a harder target and figuring I could find some cover somewhere. Bullets where flying all around me and I thought “Shit, that’s more than one gun!” Then I realized that the spider had more than one gun and since he had eight legs he was probably firing a gun from each leg. I started zigzagging more, and more bullets were flying and there were still no trees to hide behind and I thought “FUCK,  there really should be gun control for spiders!” Then a bullet tore through my left ear and I woke up to find Thelma laying next to my head on that side purring all loud and shit, so I scooted her off of the bed, rolled over, and went back to sleep.


42 Responses to Guns don’t kill people, spiders with guns in old rusted-out orange Camaros do.

  1. Jess says:

    Cat’s know how to speak.

    While you were sleeping, Thelma was whispering suggestions for your dream. Within seconds after you awoke and shooed her off the bed, she was in your kitchen, sipping gin and laughing her ass off.

  2. Jena says:

    Why do I not have gun toting spider dreams? I NEVER have ANYTHING creative like that!

    Or the Holiday Spider is pissed with you… just saying.

  3. I guess the spider was tired of the decorating?

    That’s just too funny :D

  4. Alison says:

    I bet a spider can rebuild the shit out of a Camaro.

  5. Tom says:

    Just so you know…when your cat is kneading you,she is looking for a soft spot.

  6. Roxie says:

    Did you and the holiday spider have a fight? Maybe it doesn’t like the way it was put away, and blames you? Check the closet it’s kept in. I’m sure if you have a talk, all will be forgiven!

  7. Cheryl Lundgren says:

    It’s why I have a dog. You don’t find Jack sitting on your head at night whispering in your ear.

  8. glen says:

    Damn, now we need an executive order banning assault spiders. There is just no end to this !! I’m thinking it’s all GM’s fault. They invented the Camaro which is the ride of choice for all Zombies and stuff. Come to think of it…Didn’t Bush drive a Chevy??

  9. Alison says:

    Just thought you should know I now have the Dead Milkmen song “Bitchin’ Camaro” stuck in my head.

  10. vipergirl says:

    Spider was just sending you a warning about Valentines day!

  11. Sandy M. says:

    You have the weirdest dreams!

  12. Mark12A says:

    Everyone knows spiders can’t shoot for shit. They don’t know what eye to aim with. You’ll probably be all right.

  13. Jennifer says:

    I hate spiders. Now I have to worry about armed ones!

  14. Charlotte Rae says:

    In all my dreams I’m naked.

  15. Yabu says:

    You need a Flamethrower, just for times like these.

  16. Cats, spiders with guns…all part of the same alien conspiracy.

  17. Tink says:

    It’s just your conscience because you have not decorated for V-day yet and the spider is naked….get busy girlie.

  18. untbunny says:

    You had me at orange Camaro. Some of the greatest make-out sessions I had were in a ’71 Camaro! But I digress…
    If only the spider rolled up on you with some sweet AC/DC “Highway to Hell” blaring. Now that would be great.

  19. SB Smith says:

    You’re lucky he didn’t use an extra arm to grab you and drag you into the car.
    Next Thelma will have you dreaming that all the dead hookers came to life and are looking for you…
    Thelma’s trying to put you in the nut house.

    Our Maine Coon, Buster, will let us put our feet against him for warmth, and he has all his claws.

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