Everyone needs a fleet of flying monkeys to rip the stuffing out of the annoying people in their lives
— Laura

So last week my fibromyalgia, or polio, or body rabies, whatever I had, was making me feel like shit so like I always do in time of great physical pain, I searched my medicine cabinets and the bottom of my purses for some old expired meds I could take because going to the doctor is for pussies. I found something that I thought then was pain medication, but now that I think about it some more, could have been a fiber pill. I took it and lay on the couch with a gin and tonic I made in a Big Gulp mug I picked up at a gas station a few years back because nothing kicks up the effect of expired medication like gin. This is Expired Medication Science, otherwise known as Pill Roulette. 

Anyway, I was lying on the couch, sipping my gin and tonic through one of those huge accordion like straws that’s attached to the massive plastic mug, feeling all sorry for myself because I was probably dying from some godawful disease AND NO ONE CARED. I started flipping through the 400 plus channels I have and every program sucked so I just left it on an old movie station. A few minutes later the movie “Beaches” started and I thought “Wow, I haven’t seen this in years” so I got as comfortable as I could for a victim of fibromyalgia/polio/rabies and sipped my gin and tonic. 

Before you knew it Hillary and CC were at the beach and Hillary was all weak and pale and dying and I was all “OH MY GOD THAT’S ME, MINUS THE BEST FRIEND!” and just then my phone rang. I picked it up just as I started to cry and J was all “What’s wrong Laura?” and I blubbered “Beaches. Dying. I don’t have any friends here. They’re all gone. You live hours away.” He tried to comfort me best he could, but then I think the fiber pill kicked in and I had to go to the bathroom so I told him I’d call him later. Then I made a grilled cheese sandwich and watched some reruns of The Big Bang Theory, forgetting all about calling him back.

The next day there was a knock on my door. I peeked out the blinds and saw a FedEx truck. “Wee! A package!” I thought. I ran and opened the door, signed a receipt, and grabbed my package. I placed it on the table, and ripped it open and saw a folded piece of paper. I opened the paper and it said “Here’s a friend for you. Love, J.” Beneath the note was this:


The new wind beneath my wings.


57 Responses to Why I love that man.

  1. Mhm says:

    You are one lucky woman. That is amazing.

  2. Jena says:

    I lurves him too!

    Is that supposed to be a face of someone getting a ball spiked in their face? Ya know? The smear?

  3. Sean says:

    Strange drugs and one ball. Awwwwww….. Very Lance Armstrong-ish.
    Seriously though, that Nazi really cares. Very sweet.

  4. J is perfect. Never say otherwise.

    No, really, don’t say otherwise because I have no way of backing up my assertion.

  5. Jeffro says:

    (sniff) Overcome with emotion here boss.

  6. Larry says:

    This J, he is not such a bad guy for a nazi.

  7. Roxie says:

    Just don’t take him on an open raft, do you don’t loose him!

  8. Roxie says:

    *so* — So you don’t *lose* him! Sorry!

  9. glen says:

    Wow…I never bought a friend before. Do they cost much?? What the hell do you feed ‘em??

  10. Cheryl Lundgren says:

    That is the most thoughtful and romantic thing I have EVER heard! He’s a keeper!!

  11. Brea says:

    Awwwww! I’m all verklempt for you, Laura!
    That’s adorable!

  12. Mark12A says:

    I always wondered where Wilson ended up after he drifted away from the raft. I figured he ended up as a giant shark fart.

    Shit, I love a happy ending.

  13. Elphaba says:

    That is the sweetest gift EVAR. Now, if you’ll just put down that tub-o-gin, turn off the boob tube and go outside and play in the sun with your new buddy Wilson, you might just feel better. I hear sunlight is a cure for body rabies. ;)

  14. Alison says:

    Wow, who knew Nazis could paint? That J is a regular Renaissance man.

  15. LouisianaMeredith says:

    The whole gin & expired meds thing? Diet Coke spewed everywhere!

    J, for a Nazi, you rock! ;)

  16. Jess says:

    That made me tear up…or was it sneeze?

    Whatever you do, don’t ever let your BFF go swimming alone. Remember what happened to that Fedex guy and how traumatic it was.

  17. FYI says:

    How does he think this stuff up? Who would ever even think of doing something like that.. in a situation like this… Brilliant “J Man” Brilliant… You R my hero too.

  18. T-Man says:

    Frickin Brilliant. Amazing minds you two have….Totally understand what you guys see in each other.

  19. Yabu says:

    That is a Juju Ball for sure. Keep it close by.

  20. Tink says:

    OK.. that was sweet and all, but Im tellin you right now, If you start talking to that thing I am not eating lunch with you anymore, EVAH!

  21. Jenny says:

    You’re so freakin’ Hilarious. I read your posts every day and you never cease to crack me up! I seriously don’t know how you come up with this shit! Anyway, I just wanted to thank you for making me laugh on a daily basis! Oh – and I’m glad you finally have a friend! :)

  22. mindy says:

    If it’s any consolation, Beaches is the only movie that ever made my husband cry. J sounds like a keeper.

  23. Tea says:

    He cares and he’s funny? That’s almost enough to overlook the fact that he’s a Nazi.

  24. SB Smith says:

    Awww….that was very sweet of J.

    Hope you don’t run out of Gin !

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