Everyone needs a fleet of flying monkeys to rip the stuffing out of the annoying people in their lives
— Laura

Apparently it’s the “in” thing now to publicly confess what has always been blatantly obvious to everyone. And even though Oprah has never invited me on national TV, and no producer has thrown millions of dollars at me to do it, I’d like to take this opportunity to confess that I, Laura Ledford, have doped before a bike race. Yes, it’s true. Of course, I was much younger, just a teenager as a matter of fact, and the “doping” consisted of smoking a joint, or two, sometimes a few bowls, with some of my friends. Then we jumped on our bikes, me on my refurbed tank of a Huffy, and race to the corner store for a bag of Doritos before they closed. And we always made it. EveryTime. We should have gotten medals. Oh, nevermind, we’d just have to give them back. Shit.

 Live strong, bring a bong.


46 Responses to Bless me Oprah for I have sinned.

  1. You should get two medals. Keeping the bong from spilling while Huffying is what separates the pros from the posers.

  2. Rath says:

    Oh my, what a jerk. and what a joke. And Oprah… acting like she is the most compasionate person in the world when all along, in her mind, she is laughing her ass off saying, “ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME”? I mean really, was there anyone that DIDN’T know?

  3. Tink says:

    They had Doritos that long ago?

  4. Cinder says:

    I dont know, if it was me, I probably would’nt give it up, until someone paid me big time either.

  5. Holiday says:

    I want that wrist band……… and the puppy in the onesie… awwwwwwww! but I really want that wrist band.

  6. Yabu says:

    Live strong, bring a bong, and visit the Bulldog before it visits you. You’ve probably been there, so you’re cool.

  7. Jena says:

    Were you in the lead and won the race 7 times in a row? If not, no need to confess.

  8. Timmy says:

    Well, I am so glad that they have finally established that doping only happens in the Bike competitions of the Olympics and none of the other competative areas….. Yeah.. thats it…

  9. Cheryl Lundgren says:

    Wow! I’m amazed that you could smoke a few bowls and then hop on a bike and ride it fast. When we smoked a few (or maybe a lot) we were doing good to find the car and drive (very very slowly) to the nearest Taco Hell or Derweinersnizel to woof down cheap ass tacos and hoardes of chili dogs.

    We are very impressed with your athletic abilities! And I think if you marketed that bracelet you’d be rich!!

  10. Mark12A says:

    Doping in beauty pageants…now, I could create me some humor with that idea. Mostly involve the seeding of blonde bitches in the contestant ranks who answer each question with answers about world peace. Or maybe they’re saying “world piece…” who knows?

  11. Cheryl says:

    Best Response to this whole mess!

  12. Rob says:

    If the Olympics and the Tour de France gave out awards for “highest concentration of dope”, I think it would boost their ratings.

  13. Roxie says:

    I say, let ‘em all dope as much as they want!


  14. That you bought just a bag of Doritos is mind-boggling :D

  15. Jeffro says:

    I didn’t ride my bike – I drove!

  16. mindy says:

    This is why drugs lead to no good. One time, I got so baked, and I ended up at Taco Bell. Who doesn’t? I don’t even know how I got there. But then I tried to order everything on the menu. I only had $5. I was so traumatized I may have started crying. For real. Drugs are BAD!

  17. SB Smith says:

    I haven’t watched the oprah in years and was already tired of hearing about Armstrong…..However, it is always good to clear one’s conscience.
    Those dead hookers start piling up in there….

  18. glen says:

    Oprah is just an enabeling bitch. She is financing his next trip to the dealer. I’ll bet there was some kickback on the side. She just wants herself some steroids so she can bulk up like Aahrrnald instead of like Belushi

  19. Jess says:

    Drugs lead you to the knowledge that saying something like: “This orange tastes like Jack pissed in it.” will lead to food that is unsafe to eat.

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