Everyone needs a fleet of flying monkeys to rip the stuffing out of the annoying people in their lives

— Laura

Bless me Oprah for I have sinned.

By Laura On January 17, 2013 · 46 Comments

Apparently it’s the “in” thing now to publicly confess what has always been blatantly obvious to everyone. And even though Oprah has never invited me on national TV, and no producer has thrown millions of dollars at me to do it, I’d like to take this opportunity to confess that I, Laura Ledford, have doped before a bike race. Yes, it’s true. Of course, I was much younger, just a teenager as a matter of fact, and the “doping” consisted of smoking a joint, or two, sometimes a few bowls, with some of my friends. Then we jumped on our bikes, me on my refurbed tank of a Huffy, and race to the corner store for a bag of Doritos before they closed. And we always made it. Every. Time. We should have gotten medals. Oh, nevermind, we’d just have to give them back. Shit.

Live strong, bring a bong.

46 Comments

46 Responses to Bless me Oprah for I have sinned.

Soylent Green says:

January 17, 2013 at 6:15 am

You should get two medals. Keeping the bong from spilling while Huffying is what separates the pros from the posers.

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- Laura says:
  
  January 17, 2013 at 6:32 am
  
  Hells yeah.
  
  Reply
Rath says:

January 17, 2013 at 6:19 am

Oh my, what a jerk. and what a joke. And Oprah… acting like she is the most compasionate person in the world when all along, in her mind, she is laughing her ass off saying, “ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME”? I mean really, was there anyone that DIDN’T know?

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- Laura says:
  
  January 17, 2013 at 6:23 am
  
  His left nut maybe.
  
  Reply
Tink says:

January 17, 2013 at 6:20 am

They had Doritos that long ago?

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- Laura says:
  
  January 17, 2013 at 6:34 am
  
  What the hell as you talking about? I’m young and vibrant.
  
  Reply
  - Tink says:
    
    January 17, 2013 at 6:39 am
    
    The mind is a terrible thing….hahhahahahaha LYMI.
    
    Reply
    - Laura says:
      
      January 17, 2013 at 4:17 pm
      
      Most are.
      
      Reply
Cinder says:

January 17, 2013 at 6:22 am

I dont know, if it was me, I probably would’nt give it up, until someone paid me big time either.

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- Laura says:
  
  January 17, 2013 at 6:38 am
  
  Oh, I’m certain he was paid handsomely.
  
  Reply
Holiday says:

January 17, 2013 at 6:30 am

I want that wrist band……… and the puppy in the onesie… awwwwwwww! but I really want that wrist band.

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- Laura says:
  
  January 17, 2013 at 6:37 am
  
  I should sell them to support my retirement fund, err I mean charity.
  
  Reply
- Rachele says:
  
  January 17, 2013 at 9:54 am
  
  I’m definitely in for the puppy in a onesie, and I’ve recently converted to becoming a Neptunian. Laura could become the greatest saleslady everrrr!
  
  Reply
  - Laura says:
    
    January 17, 2013 at 4:16 pm
    
    Isn’t that puppy the cutest? And what the hell am I selling? Tuna? Ha!
    
    Reply
Yabu says:

January 17, 2013 at 7:07 am

Live strong, bring a bong, and visit the Bulldog before it visits you. You’ve probably been there, so you’re cool.

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- Laura says:
  
  January 17, 2013 at 4:17 pm
  
  Been there, done that. Ha!
  
  Reply
Jena says:

January 17, 2013 at 7:54 am

Were you in the lead and won the race 7 times in a row? If not, no need to confess.

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- Laura says:
  
  January 17, 2013 at 9:58 am
  
  I always won. I loved me some Dorritos.
  
  Reply
Timmy says:

January 17, 2013 at 9:25 am

Well, I am so glad that they have finally established that doping only happens in the Bike competitions of the Olympics and none of the other competative areas….. Yeah.. thats it…

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- Laura says:
  
  January 17, 2013 at 10:04 am
  
  And beauty pageants.
  
  Reply
  - SOYLENT GREEN says:
    
    January 17, 2013 at 10:18 am
    
    Oh yeah, plenty of dopes in those–like the Einstein who said weed should only be legal for medical and recreational use…and movies…and munchies. Oooh,you got any tacos? Yeah, tacos sound good. You seen my keys??
    
    Reply
    - Laura says:
      
      January 17, 2013 at 4:15 pm
      
      I wish they would legalize it.
      
      Reply
Cheryl Lundgren says:

January 17, 2013 at 10:25 am

Wow! I’m amazed that you could smoke a few bowls and then hop on a bike and ride it fast. When we smoked a few (or maybe a lot) we were doing good to find the car and drive (very very slowly) to the nearest Taco Hell or Derweinersnizel to woof down cheap ass tacos and hoardes of chili dogs.

We are very impressed with your athletic abilities! And I think if you marketed that bracelet you’d be rich!!

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- Laura says:
  
  January 17, 2013 at 4:15 pm
  
  It should be an Olympic event.
  
  Reply
Mark12A says:

January 17, 2013 at 10:30 am

Doping in beauty pageants…now, I could create me some humor with that idea. Mostly involve the seeding of blonde bitches in the contestant ranks who answer each question with answers about world peace. Or maybe they’re saying “world piece…” who knows?

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- Laura says:
  
  January 17, 2013 at 4:14 pm
  
  Whirrled Peas.
  
  Reply
Cheryl says:

January 17, 2013 at 12:57 pm

Best Response to this whole mess!

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- Laura says:
  
  January 17, 2013 at 4:13 pm
  
  It’s a hot mess.
  
  Reply
Rob says:

January 17, 2013 at 1:00 pm

If the Olympics and the Tour de France gave out awards for “highest concentration of dope”, I think it would boost their ratings.

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- Laura says:
  
  January 17, 2013 at 4:12 pm
  
  I’d watch ‘em.
  
  Reply
Roxie says:

January 17, 2013 at 1:11 pm

I say, let ‘em all dope as much as they want!

http://www.hulu.com/#!watch/4090

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- Laura says:
  
  January 17, 2013 at 4:11 pm
  
  HAHA! I would enter those Olympics.
  
  Reply
LC Aggie Sith says:

January 17, 2013 at 3:27 pm

That you bought just a bag of Doritos is mind-boggling

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- Cheryl Lundgren says:
  
  January 17, 2013 at 4:58 pm
  
  Amen.
  
  Reply
Jeffro says:

January 17, 2013 at 9:13 pm

I didn’t ride my bike – I drove!

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- Laura says:
  
  January 18, 2013 at 3:43 am
  
  Like 10 mph, right? And thought you were doing 80?
  
  Reply
  - Jeffro says:
    
    January 18, 2013 at 10:09 pm
    
    Par-a-noid as hell!
    
    Reply
    - Laura says:
      
      January 19, 2013 at 11:42 am
      
      Who said that?
      
      Reply
mindy says:

January 18, 2013 at 9:34 am

This is why drugs lead to no good. One time, I got so baked, and I ended up at Taco Bell. Who doesn’t? I don’t even know how I got there. But then I tried to order everything on the menu. I only had $5. I was so traumatized I may have started crying. For real. Drugs are BAD!

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- Laura says:
  
  January 18, 2013 at 4:29 pm
  
  And they lead to mental breakdowns in the Taco Bell line.
  
  Reply
SB Smith says:

January 20, 2013 at 3:17 am

I haven’t watched the oprah in years and was already tired of hearing about Armstrong…..However, it is always good to clear one’s conscience.
Those dead hookers start piling up in there….

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- Laura says:
  
  January 21, 2013 at 4:16 pm
  
  Exactly.
  
  Reply
glen says:

January 20, 2013 at 10:48 am

Oprah is just an enabeling bitch. She is financing his next trip to the dealer. I’ll bet there was some kickback on the side. She just wants herself some steroids so she can bulk up like Aahrrnald instead of like Belushi

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- Laura says:
  
  January 21, 2013 at 4:17 pm
  
  Oh, she doesn’t make a move I’m sure that doesn’t make her closer to be richer than God.
  
  Reply
Jess says:

January 20, 2013 at 5:14 pm

Drugs lead you to the knowledge that saying something like: “This orange tastes like Jack pissed in it.” will lead to food that is unsafe to eat.

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- Laura says:
  
  January 21, 2013 at 4:17 pm
  
  Ewww.
  
  Reply