Everyone needs a fleet of flying monkeys to rip the stuffing out of the annoying people in their lives
— Laura

I know y’all probably thought I abandoned this blog, but I promise I haven’t and to prove that I have returned, and to kick up as much attention as I can, here is a video of Jack, because EVERYONE LOVES DOGGY VIDEOS!

I have to keep Jack in an area of the house that is carpeted since his spinal surgery (that’s why I’ve bought so many safety gates). I feed him after I come home from work and while he’s eating I usually go change out of my assassin clothes, make sure the cats have food, and check my email. I’m exhausted by that time, yet I still have to wash his bowl that’s two rooms away! WOE IS ME! But Jack helps the best he can:

Holy hell! Have you seen how well my shitty video skills have improved? Now if I can just keep my fingers away from the lens and remember to turn down the sound on Jack’s television. Yes, he watches television while I’m at work. His favorite shows are Judge Judy and Judge Joe Brown. For reals.


56 Responses to I’m baaaaaaack!

  1. Holiday says:

    YES! as you can see we are here too. Hawking your blog like the Monkey Junkies we all are. Ha! Great Video Skills. HEY JACK!

  2. Yabu says:

    Jack’s looking good. If I ask Stretch to bring me something, he’ll bring it, but there is no telling what it might be. I think he’s fucking with me.

    I’ve been playing around with iPhoto lately, and it’s pretty cool, but there is a HUGE learning curve, and you need all the power you can muster.

    Take Jack on a long patrol for me and Stretch. Stretch loves his patrols. Have a good weekend.

    • Laura says:

      Ha! That’s why I kept reminding him of his mission.

      I’m going to have to check out iPhoto. I hope everyone on the Serengeti has a great weekend too!

  3. Romper says:

    All I have to say is It’s hard to start your day with out your morning laugh. I guess I too am a Junkie Monkey, Missed you, Looks like Jack is doing fab. XOXOXOXOXOXOOXOXOX Jack!

  4. Alison says:

    My dog listens to NPR all day, but we’re a household of flaming hippie liberals. Why the hell am I following the blog of a gun-toting professional assassin with a penchant for murdering hobos?

  5. MorningGlory says:

    So happy to see Jack doing so well! Even though 2/3 of the video was of some bare carpet, it made my day! Jack is a very talented and obedient dog, isn’t he?

    Glad to have you back on the interwebz. I hope this means we’ll be seeing you more often, now that the holidays are over for another year!

  6. Jess says:

    Considering Jack’s viewing choices, I believe he’s more qualified to represent clients than at least half the attorney’s in the United States.

  7. Jena says:

    OK.. you are forgiven. I would mention the laziness, but he looked SOOOOO PROUD!!! As well as he should! He’s a GOOD BOY!!

  8. Jeffro says:

    Good to see you and Jack on the innertubes again! But c’mon, Judge Judy and Judge Joe Brown? We gotta get Jack hooked on John Wayne movies!

  9. patti says:

    Happy dog – happy you – happy me – oh happy day :)

  10. Elphaba says:

    Finally, some fresh FMFM with my morning coffee. And Jack? Such a good boy! Tell him I’m still working on that campaign to have his own featured banner (I can visualize it now): “Where Jack is judged to be a Good Boy (finally, goddammit)!” Tell him that it’s slow going because he has tough competition of the feline variety; plus, the management is unusually resistant. Perhaps if I filed a .gov petition?

  11. Roxie says:

    I’m so glad you’re back! I missed you!

    (At a meeting) Hi, my name is Roxie, and I am a funky chunky Monkey Junkie!

    (crowd) Hi, Roxie!

  12. Jan says:

    Wow, your voice sounds so… normal. Not like a ninja assassin at all, but I guess that’s part of the disguise, right?

    Good boy, Jack!

  13. Maeve says:

    Love his sweet, happy face! :)

  14. Mark12A says:

    Shit, it’s been so long I forgot which of my screen names I’ve used on your blog. But at least I’ve known you were still among the living by getting your facebook posts.

    I’d watch your video but I’ve got something else running and will reluctantly put it off. I’m sure it’ll be my loss. In fact, I’d probably do a Christmas Story/Ralphie thing and give you A+++++++++ for your cinematic expertise.

    But glad to see you back in harness. Slap the bitches for me, and get prepared for your Valentine’s Day Spider.

  15. Nicole says:

    Such a good boy! My cats will leave when I tell them to get something but I suspect it is to get away from me since they never come back with anything.

  16. glen says:

    My flying monkees all deserted me and went to live in California. Does this mean I have to pay them palimony??

  17. January Morning says:

    Heeeeeeeeeeeeey Jack Man.. Lookin Good little buddy. You have inproved by the way….

  18. Cinder says:

    Oh Y’all, I go to therapy twice a week, (nother story)All I ever talk about was Flying Monkeys. So much so that My therapist started readin you…. When we didn’t see you for a while he went kinda goofie and he started calling ME! wanted to know if I knew you or If I could get hold of you to get you to come back. I had to calm his ass down gurl! I’m gonna start charging him!

  19. Oh my god that is absurdly aborable. I’m so glad you’re back and that Jack is doing well. If you’re looking to save after-work energy, here’s a tip: yes take off your assassin clothes, but just don’t put new clothes on afterward. Just be naked. It’s way easier. Then maybe you’ll have energy to clean Jack’s bowl.

  20. I knew those pussie-ass aliens that abducted you couldn’t hang with your gin, circus peanuts and voodoo.
    Welcome back and shit.

  21. DearSweetMama says:

    What a good boy he is. Rudi only looks at his bowl. But he is pretty good at bringing me other things – still working on the margarita. He is having trouble slicing the limes.

  22. Awwww, he looks so damn happy! Brings tears to my eyes.

    Especially since my dogs can’t be bothered to bring their fucking bowls to me.

  23. Larry says:

    OK, I have called the National Guard and the SC State Patrol and canceled the missing persons report. Carry on.

    Glad to have you back.

  24. Steve says:

    I hope you have those flying monkeys under control; the witch in Washington may be looking for a few.


  25. Brea says:

    Jack looks great!!
    Oh, and I did get a little creeped out hearing your voice.OBVIOUSLY Not because you’re creepy…but because it sounded sooo familiar.

    Change the accent just a tich, (South to North) and it sounds like mine when it gets recorded. Do all of us assassins sound alike?

  26. SB Smith says:

    Oh my !….Sooo wonderful to see Jack so happy and doing so well !
    That tail was just a blur !
    Hugs and smooches for Jack.
    Does he still have follow-up visits with the surgeons who did his surgery ? (I assume he had some)…They must be Very pleased with his recovery !

    Good to see you again !
    Hope you got all the dead hookers out of the pool…or have you moved yet ?

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