Everyone needs a fleet of flying monkeys to rip the stuffing out of the annoying people in their lives
— Laura

Last week I was looking through my files and discovered that in 2012 I spent just a few pennies over $10,000 in veterinarian bills. This includes all three animals’ yearlies, Thelma’s lab work, x-rays, and arthritis medicine, Jack’s bladder surgery, his spinal surgery, and his physical rehabilitation. After I tallied it all up I was all “Holy shit! And I still need to buy two doggie gates!” Then yesterday I begrudgingly went into Amazon to order the two safety gates so I could block off rooms from Jack without having to keep doors shut. This is the gate:

According to Amazon I saved $4,607.42 per gate, which means I saved a total of $9,214.84, which means I actually only spent $785.16 on my animals. I think I am going to order another one before the 31st so I can show a profit for the year.


65 Responses to Government Math.

  1. Jeffro says:

    Among your many other talents, you certainly haz mad shopping skilz!

  2. Jena says:

    But it’s the same savings if you are NOT a Prime member!

  3. Cindy says:

    I know what you mean about the vet bills. I know we spent $1000.00 in the month of November alone. I would be afraid to add it up for the year! I wouldn’t mind the $1000 in November but we were not able to save my sweet maltese/yorkie and I still miss her terribly. We have 5 dogs and 1 cat. Three of the dogs have to have dentals 2x yr. That’s around $300 per dental plus yearly exams, blood work, and one is in congestive heart failure and takes 5 medications/day which cost $100/month! My husband tells me that I can’t retire next yr (30 yrs of teaching) because I have to support my dog habit! So yes, I feel your pain. Maybe I need to order a dog gate to balance it out! Happy New Year!

  4. Cheryl Lundgren says:

    Wow! I feel like a fool. I spent $10 on my dog’s gate that I purchased from Walmart. I had no idea I could have had a $4,639 gate for the mere price of $33.29!

    It’s too bad your savings negated most of your cost for this year eliminating that tax deduction for medical expenses for your son, Jack. Have you remembered to order a social security number for him for tax purposes?!

    LOL! Happy New Year Laura!!

  5. Kevin says:

    You are right about still being cheaper than a child, and often a lot more fun.

  6. Roxie says:

    Totally worth it!

  7. Yabu says:

    Get to ordering…by the way, how’s Jack doing?

  8. Alison says:

    Dang, at first I was all jealous that you can order a step-over gate since you have a smaller dog than my medium-sized hairball. Then I thought, hell, I wonder how much I can save on a full-size gate?? Probably like fifteen grand! If I order three or four, I can live off the profits, right??

  9. Holiday says:

    Nothin like a spoiled pet. They are so lovey and cuddly and they HOG THE BED, pester the crap out of you. Yep….don’t I know it…..all worth it….

  10. Jess says:

    Excellent accounting and I’m sure Jack is a wonderful tax deduction. He’s definitely a good reason to celebrate tiny families in my book.

  11. Nicole says:

    I approve of these math skills. And you said you were only a government assassin…

  12. Larry says:

    Yeah, my dog would be over the top of that gate in half a second flat.

  13. Elizabeth says:

    Looks like Zooey Deschanel modeling that gate.

  14. Timbo says:

    Beats looking for modelling jobs hands down!

  15. Elphaba says:

    I guess you can now add “budget scientist” to your resume. Congratulations!

  16. The Ghost of Headless Guy says:

    I almost bought the Gates of Hell on EBAY the other day from some merchant named Lucifer. The deal fell through, however, ’cause I couldn’t figure out how to transact my soul through PayPal.

    Happy New Year to you and the gang!


  17. Math ain’t your friend, but gin is.

    Have a Happy New Year, and blessing on you and yours!

  18. Carra says:

    You’re just like me where my fur babies are concerned. I’ve always said that they get better health care than I give myself and they are worth every penny! Happy New Year to you, Jack, J, and your wonderful menagerie! May 2013 bring you the enjoyment of disposing of zombies/bunch of bitches using your amazing voodoo skills, great places to bury the dead hookers in your trunk, and a lifetime supply of circus peanuts and gin!!!

  19. Erinyes says:

    For four grand, I’ll make you a deluxe doggy gate out of the finest tropical hardwood and use solid brass hardware. I’ll even include shipping…

  20. I swear I’m going to get that pet insurance with our next dog. I don’t even dare add up what we’re paying for meds for our old lady dog these days. She’s totally worth it, but now I’m thinking I should grab me a gate or two just to defray the cost of her meds. I usually hate all things math, but you’ve made it simple and fun. Mwah!

  21. zonker says:

    Take that extra money you earned buying stuff and head to McDonald’s…



    Happy New Year!

  22. Liz says:

    You’ve named your pets with ‘human’ names (except for Tinks) so you should be able to use them as deductions. Says me.

    Happy New Year!!!

  23. CGHill says:

    This makes more sense than any of that Fiscal Cliff crap.

  24. glen says:

    And yet they say there is no truth in advertising. Shame on them! Look what they are missing…Buy enough of these and you could have a free house!!

  25. Jess says:

    I’m assuming your assassin duties are taking all your time. I’m, also, assuming my enemies haven’t scratched up enough change to hire you.

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