Everyone needs a fleet of flying monkeys to rip the stuffing out of the annoying people in their lives
— Laura

Because I’m very important and I know a lot of people, but mostly because I know a lot of strange people, I’ve been invited to go with a group of paranormal investigators to investigate an area of Columbia that is supposed to have an abnormal amount of paranormal activity. What they mean by “an abnormal amount of paranormal activity” I guess is more than the “normal” baseline amount of paranormal activity. They wanted me along. How cool is that?! Way cool is how cool. We’re going tonight. They’re bringing all their equipment and I’m bringing a slow friend. And by “slow” I don’t mean mentally, I mean a friend I can outrun because if shit hits the fan, I’ll be screaming “SAVE ME, BABY JESUS!”, shoving her to the ground and running like a motherfucker, all the while clutching a rosary in one hand and making the sign of the cross with the other.

So I’m leaving this note, so y’all will know what happened in case I don’t return. It will mean I wasn’t fast enough or forgot how to do an emergency prayer in an emergency. And  you’ll know for sure I was killed and turned into a ghost myself if you start reading about a Bunch O’Bitches in the Columbia area being mysteriously pushed down stairs and elevator shafts to their deaths. I’ve been practicing that in my head for years.


46 Responses to Boo!

  1. My mother could spit out an Act of Contrition in five seconds flat at the first sign of turbulence on an airplane. You might want to practice:

    O my God, I am heartily sorry for
    having offended you, and I detest
    all my sins, because of Your just
    punishments, but most of all because
    they offend You, my God, who are
    all-good and deserving of all my love.
    I firmly resolve, with the help of
    Your grace, to sin no more and to
    avoid the near occasion of sin.

  2. Jess says:

    If something does happen, and you run out of bitches to push down stairs, I’ll place a list next to my computer, so you can continue to have fun.

  3. Just remember, if a guy wants to show you his spectrometer, it’s not a euphemism

  4. Jena says:

    Oh please bring a camera or video too! I just know your video taking style will get something! Im sooo jealous!!

  5. Yabu says:

    Ghost Buster Science, Cool!

  6. Kevin says:

    Hope they aren’t a bunch of bitches ghosts from a previous life cycle. Just to be safe, I’d bring 2 slow friends.

  7. CGHill says:

    But if there’s a normal baseline amount of paranormal activity — then that activity must be therefore be normal, right?

  8. Roxie says:

    Shine a flashlight at one of the B’OB’s butts and yell “Go into the light! Go into the light!”

  9. Alison says:

    I can give you the Lord’s Prayer and Hail Mary in French and Spanish. In case it’s a ghost from N’Awlins or something.

    “Notre père, qui êtes aux cieux, que votre nom soit béni…”
    “Dios te salve, Maria; llena eres de gracia…”

  10. PRINCESS says:

    We want a movie……really bad.

  11. Holiday says:

    OMG I wanna gooooooooooooooo

  12. Untbunny says:

    Never been with a group but seen plenty of spirits. Saw an angel/guardian once too! And no it didn’t look a Christmas angel either. Good luck to you. Yes, I am very desirous of your upcoming experience!

  13. Cheryl Lundgren says:

    Don’t forget to pack lots of clean underwear in case of accidents while fleeing and a big ass cross.

  14. Jeffro says:

    I eagerly await the after action report on this trip!

  15. Nicole says:

    Well, at least no matter what happens, you have fun in your future :)

  16. Jennifer says:

    Where am I when you get to go to these cool places and do cool things!!!

  17. LusherLaRue says:

    I take heart that you posted a reply to a comment at 4:41am, hoping that means the paranormal or para-abnormal ghosts and ghouls did not get you last night. I am keeping my fingers crossed just in case.

  18. Brea says:

    Oh, man! Y’all need a witch along, and I could totally fill that niche for you!

    Ghosts are totally scared of us witches, cause we’re badass.

    Have fun!

  19. NoNoBadDog says:

    Ah, and since this is clearly post-paranormal, I must withhold whatever pithy observations I might otherwise have made, and simply congratulate you on the continued presence of pulse and respiration.

    ~ Cheeze

  20. SB Smith says:

    Oh my…thank you…….I was laughing out loud and Sooo needed that.

    I’m assuming there’s already a pile of dead hookers at the bottom of a few elevator shafts in your area.

    Slow Friend = Bait, if things get dodgy.
    That’s just good planning ahead !

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