Everyone needs a fleet of flying monkeys to rip the stuffing out of the annoying people in their lives
— Laura
Because I’m very important and I know a lot of people, but mostly because I know a lot of strange people, I’ve been invited to go with a group of paranormal investigators to investigate an area of Columbia that is supposed to have an abnormal amount of paranormal activity. What they mean by “an abnormal amount of paranormal activity” I guess is more than the “normal” baseline amount of paranormal activity. They wanted me along. How cool is that?! Way cool is how cool. We’re going tonight. They’re bringing all their equipment and I’m bringing a slow friend. And by “slow” I don’t mean mentally, I mean a friend I can outrun because if shit hits the fan, I’ll be screaming “SAVE ME, BABY JESUS!”, shoving her to the ground and running like a motherfucker, all the while clutching a rosary in one hand and making the sign of the cross with the other.
So I’m leaving this note, so y’all will know what happened in case I don’t return. It will mean I wasn’t fast enough or forgot how to do an emergency prayer in an emergency. And you’ll know for sure I was killed and turned into a ghost myself if you start reading about a Bunch O’Bitches in the Columbia area being mysteriously pushed down stairs and elevator shafts to their deaths. I’ve been practicing that in my head for years.
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My mother could spit out an Act of Contrition in five seconds flat at the first sign of turbulence on an airplane. You might want to practice:
O my God, I am heartily sorry for
having offended you, and I detest
all my sins, because of Your just
punishments, but most of all because
they offend You, my God, who are
all-good and deserving of all my love.
I firmly resolve, with the help of
Your grace, to sin no more and to
avoid the near occasion of sin.
Okay, I’m going to have to kick it old school here like I did in French class in high school and write that on the palm of my hand. I hooe I don’t sweat and smear it. It’ll probably be in French then.
I had to write that 20 times in second grade. For throwing gravel at the boys. So they said. I denied it so vehemently that I still think it wasn’t me.
I’m pretty guiltless in my head too.
If something does happen, and you run out of bitches to push down stairs, I’ll place a list next to my computer, so you can continue to have fun.
YES! I can turn this into a business!
Just remember, if a guy wants to show you his spectrometer, it’s not a euphemism
Haha! I’ll remember that.
Oh please bring a camera or video too! I just know your video taking style will get something! Im sooo jealous!!
I am bringing both! I am certain it’s my Blair Witch video style that got me the invite. Let’s just hope it doesn’t end like Blair Witch.
Yeah, but this time skip the snots part.
Well that’s no fun.
Ghost Buster Science, Cool!
I know! I hope I don’t get slimmed.
Hope they aren’t a bunch of bitches ghosts from a previous life cycle. Just to be safe, I’d bring 2 slow friends.
Oooo you might be right.
But if there’s a normal baseline amount of paranormal activity — then that activity must be therefore be normal, right?
Ha! And I think everything weird in the South is considered normal here.
Shine a flashlight at one of the B’OB’s butts and yell “Go into the light! Go into the light!”
HaHa!
I can give you the Lord’s Prayer and Hail Mary in French and Spanish. In case it’s a ghost from N’Awlins or something.
“Notre père, qui êtes aux cieux, que votre nom soit béni…”
“Dios te salve, Maria; llena eres de gracia…”
Sac le bleu, senor!
We want a movie……really bad.
Even my suck-ass ones?
OMG I wanna gooooooooooooooo
If you’re slow you can go.
Never been with a group but seen plenty of spirits. Saw an angel/guardian once too! And no it didn’t look a Christmas angel either. Good luck to you. Yes, I am very desirous of your upcoming experience!
I’m hoping something happens. As long as it’s not aliens. I hate aliens.
Do aliens have ghosts? In which case, would you wave a cross at them or sing the notes from Close Encounters at them??
I don’t know. It’s probably best to wear a tin foil hat too.
Don’t forget to pack lots of clean underwear in case of accidents while fleeing and a big ass cross.
And Holy Water!
I eagerly await the after action report on this trip!
I will post the results tomorrow!
Well, at least no matter what happens, you have fun in your future
Always.
Where am I when you get to go to these cool places and do cool things!!!
That’s what you get for having kids and having a “normal” life. You miss all the fun : ) HA!
I take heart that you posted a reply to a comment at 4:41am, hoping that means the paranormal or para-abnormal ghosts and ghouls did not get you last night. I am keeping my fingers crossed just in case.
Alas, I survived!
Oh, man! Y’all need a witch along, and I could totally fill that niche for you!
Ghosts are totally scared of us witches, cause we’re badass.
Have fun!
It was fun!
Ah, and since this is clearly post-paranormal, I must withhold whatever pithy observations I might otherwise have made, and simply congratulate you on the continued presence of pulse and respiration.
~ Cheeze
Ha! Thank you.
Oh my…thank you…….I was laughing out loud and Sooo needed that.
*
I’m assuming there’s already a pile of dead hookers at the bottom of a few elevator shafts in your area.
;-D
Slow Friend = Bait, if things get dodgy.
That’s just good planning ahead !
The pile would be sooooo high…