Everyone needs a fleet of flying monkeys to rip the stuffing out of the annoying people in their lives
— Laura

No, my liver didn’t finally explode, the rabies hasn’t consumed me, and I haven’t been arrested for my campaign platform. What I have been is busy. I am once again doing the job of two people at work (the new girl quit), I am in the middle of remodeling my new house, and I have a dog in rehab. Physical, not drug. Oh, I also discovered the show Sons of Anarchy and I’m watching it starting with season one. Anyway, I have found that the less I blog, the less I want to blog, but I will, for now, because I won’t be responsible for all you lost souls out there going all suicidal-sad and shit.  

Now I’m going to tell y’all the story of how I was almost killed by an alligator this past weekend through my photos. I somehow found the time to  go to Murrell’s Inlet last Saturday to visit Brookgreen Gardens. It used to be three rice plantations in the old days, was bought by some Yankees during the Depression, and turned into an artsy fartsy garden full of sculptures and native animals and tourists with fanny packs.

There were sculptures of naked men with little willies doing weird shit:

There was a butterfly garden:

There were foxes in trees:

Otters in ponds:


And goats!

I must have walked twenty miles or more when I noticed this sign:


I was thinking to myself how dramatic they seemed when I heard a sound to my right. I turned and saw this:

No fence, no barrier, no other tourists around for me knock down as I made my escape. Needless to say, I ran like a motherfucker, barely cheating certain death.

Fin.

83 Comments
 

83 Responses to Rumors of my demise have been greatly exaggerated, though I was almost murdered by a gator.

  1. MSgt B says:

    They like to be scratched behind the ears.

  2. Sophia says:

    Such a horrible ending to an outing that should have helped you relax after all you’ve been through. They should have warned you before you went in. You made it out, but what about the slow people? I think it’s a conspiracy! Thank goodness you made it out!

  3. Kym says:

    Don’t all naked men do weird shit?

  4. Jena says:

    Does that girl realize you have a huge following and they get restless when you don’t blog? We just might have to find her and “convince” her to go back just to ease your load?

  5. Jena says:

    btw… I won’t watch SofA, that one asshole that died attacked his landlady and literally ripped her cat apart before he died.

  6. Elizabeth says:

    Awwwwww, Tha’ un’s jus’ a baby! No even big ’nuff ta nibble on ya. Looks like a prop to legitimize the sign…

  7. Paulie says:

    I remember that time I stretched an alligator when I was naked. My willie is much bigger. But not because of the alligator or anything. Just natural. No, really.

  8. zonker says:

    Gator bacon?

  9. CINDERELLA says:

    Missed you! Really glad you had some down time this past weekend. That looks like a great place. We dont have anything like that around here :( I live in Hell!

  10. Roxie says:

    A gator better not mess with you, or it’ll be shoes and belt time!

  11. Foxes can climb trees?! Who knew?

  12. Victoria says:

    How the Hell does one take a picture of a fricken Butterfly…. does somebody hold them down for you…would love to see more Butterfly pictures, I know you have more…that one is fabulous….

  13. Nicole says:

    That is a mighty cool looking place. Despite the clearly inadequate warning signage.

  14. Jan says:

    All death-traps should be that beautiful! Lure in the stupid and slow and improve the gene pool!

  15. Benson says:

    Your photos of South Carolina make me want to live there.

  16. Alison says:

    First of all, I am disappointed that you are less addicted to your blog than the rest of us are. Second, where’s the picture of you in your fanny pack? Third, great pictures of adorable animals! Fourth, except for the alligator–not adorable. Good job holding the camera still enough for a clear photo, though.

    I think that covers it.

  17. Mark12A says:

    Played on a golf course in Florida. Fricking alligators were alongside the water hazard, and my wife hit one with her golf ball. That had to piss him off. She wanted me to go get the ball. I figured she just wanted me eaten and turned into gator shit.

    Hell when your wife conspires with a gator to murder you.

  18. Socrates says:

    You know what they say about blogging !!!! If you dont use it… you’ll lose it… But I understand what you are saying… ;(

  19. Well, If you’re going to pay for statues of naked men with little willies doing weird shit, you’re going to have to let the gators take the occasional tourist.
    Funding priorities, Laura. Times are tough.

  20. LusherLaRue says:

    You need to sue their asses for intentional infliction of emotional distress based on that clearly inadequate signage and lack of control over dangerous and deadly creatures. How does staying on “the path” save you from snakes that slither, stinging insects that fly and very mobile (and hungry) gators? I am drafting up the complaint now. We should be able to get you enough money to buy gin and circus peanuts for life. Negligent bastards.

  21. bob says:

    Hard to sneak up on people with that red arrow for a hat.

  22. Yabu says:

    That’s a great shot of that butterfly. Framable, but I think all good photos should be framed. I frame so many I’m out of wall and desk space.

    Anyway, like you, I’ve been giving this whole blogging thing thing some serious thought. I’ve been doing it for almost ten years. I’ve met some really good people, face to face, and I’ve met a few whackos. I’m backing up all my shit in case I make a spur of the moment decision.

    How’s my little buddy Jack coming along?

  23. Jeffro says:

    Gators? AND venomous snakes?

    (marks this place OFF the list)

  24. Cheryl Lundgren says:

    First surviving the presidential election and now you’re threatening to not write blogs any more? I can’t take it!!

    I need to refill my Xanax prescription.

  25. untbunny says:

    WTH? Big ass man just sitting on gator? Don’t think so. Looks to me he has a finger in the gators ass! I’ve seen Mike Rowe on Dirty Jobs perform the same manuver. Yep, that’s a finger job.

    There is something seriously demented about a garden that allows crocigators (I hate them sumbitches), fox, otters, and butterflies to roam free and fences in goats. I know they tell us the fence is to keep the goats safe but it’s a conspiracy! Fence the wild animals I say!!!

  26. jo says:

    WHAT!! I near passed out. How can we make this less work for you? I can’t get Bo, apparently just PLANNING a kidnapping is illegal. More gin? I can send you directions for making a still in that pool.

    FMFM must continue. Send your demands.

  27. SB Smith says:

    They intentionally did NOT put that warning sign at the beginning of the trail.
    They have to feed the gators Somehow !
    But not with Jack’s Mom !

    Shit, I know I’d have run like hell and had a panic attack later, when I was safe !

    *
    Glad to hear Jack’s improving so well !

  28. Cheeze says:

    Wierd park that has to put up signs, “Be warned, there be shit in here that likely’ll kill you” I wouldn’t imagine that’d be a real draw for most park-goers.

    ‘tho, I’m thinking that gater was probably a life-like reproduction designed specifically to scare the livin’ bejeebus out of otherwise unsuspecting pedestrians.

    That, and that photo TOTALLY calls out for a “Soon.” caption.

  29. You make everything epic :D

  30. mindy says:

    Unstable land? Are there grenades and stuff in it? I remember seeing a few gators up close on my trip to the everglades and all I thought was, “Mmmm….gators are tasty!”
    Right now I’m trying to decide if I want to start watching Sons of Anarchy or The Walking Dead. Probably both.

  31. Jess says:

    That alligator made me think of fried Twinkies.

  32. Elphaba says:

    Heh. I’m calling your bluff. You’re not going to quit blogging…you crave the attention. You quitting blogging would be like Hostess not making Twinkies. Oh, WAIT. O_O

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