Everyone needs a fleet of flying monkeys to rip the stuffing out of the annoying people in their lives
— Laura
No, my liver didn’t finally explode, the rabies hasn’t consumed me, and I haven’t been arrested for my campaign platform. What I have been is busy. I am once again doing the job of two people at work (the new girl quit), I am in the middle of remodeling my new house, and I have a dog in rehab. Physical, not drug. Oh, I also discovered the show Sons of Anarchy and I’m watching it starting with season one. Anyway, I have found that the less I blog, the less I want to blog, but I will, for now, because I won’t be responsible for all you lost souls out there going all suicidal-sad and shit.
Now I’m going to tell y’all the story of how I was almost killed by an alligator this past weekend through my photos. I somehow found the time to go to Murrell’s Inlet last Saturday to visit Brookgreen Gardens. It used to be three rice plantations in the old days, was bought by some Yankees during the Depression, and turned into an artsy fartsy garden full of sculptures and native animals and tourists with fanny packs.
There were sculptures of naked men with little willies doing weird shit:
There was a butterfly garden:
There were foxes in trees:
Otters in ponds:
And goats!
I must have walked twenty miles or more when I noticed this sign:
I was thinking to myself how dramatic they seemed when I heard a sound to my right. I turned and saw this:
No fence, no barrier, no other tourists around for me knock down as I made my escape. Needless to say, I ran like a motherfucker, barely cheating certain death.
Fin.
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83 Responses to Rumors of my demise have been greatly exaggerated, though I was almost murdered by a gator.
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They like to be scratched behind the ears.
And their belly scratched.
Such a horrible ending to an outing that should have helped you relax after all you’ve been through. They should have warned you before you went in. You made it out, but what about the slow people? I think it’s a conspiracy! Thank goodness you made it out!
It was horrible! Just horrible. I bet they eat the ones wearing fanny packs. Those things will slow you down.
Don’t all naked men do weird shit?
They do indeed!
Does that girl realize you have a huge following and they get restless when you don’t blog? We just might have to find her and “convince” her to go back just to ease your load?
Ha! I don’t think that’d be enough to convince people to stay in Hell.
btw… I won’t watch SofA, that one asshole that died attacked his landlady and literally ripped her cat apart before he died.
Girl, you can’t even watch Disney without an animal getting killed! I learned a long time ago to close my eyes and recite “It’s just a movie, that didn’t happen.”
No. In real life. The sick fuck literally tore the landlady’s cat apart before he killed her then died himself.
http://www.ktla.com/news/landing/ktla-los-feliz-double-murder,0,6351681.story
Wow. Well his character died early and it’s not the show’s fault he was insane. It’s a good show.
I’m still pissed they killed Opie off.
NO! I’m not on that episode yet!
I’m on Season 4, episode 2. They’re outta prison and Opie got married.
Awwwwww, Tha’ un’s jus’ a baby! No even big ’nuff ta nibble on ya. Looks like a prop to legitimize the sign…
It was a young one. But it had murder in it`s eye!
That was not murder in its’ eyes, they were just glazed over from all the naked statues!
I know mine were!
I remember that time I stretched an alligator when I was naked. My willie is much bigger. But not because of the alligator or anything. Just natural. No, really.
HAHA! That should be an Olympic sport. Whilst naked too.
Gator bacon?
Or a nice belt.
Missed you! Really glad you had some down time this past weekend. That looks like a great place. We dont have anything like that around here
I live in Hell!
I work there!
A gator better not mess with you, or it’ll be shoes and belt time!
Or dredge it in flour and fry it.
Foxes can climb trees?! Who knew?
Yes! That one was up pretty high to AND there was not any limbs near the ground that it could have jumped on.
How the Hell does one take a picture of a fricken Butterfly…. does somebody hold them down for you…would love to see more Butterfly pictures, I know you have more…that one is fabulous….
Thank you. Butterflies are easy to photograph actually. There will be lots more photos in my Flickr after I edit them.
I have heard that Super glue helps hold them in place.
Not gator clamps?
That is a mighty cool looking place. Despite the clearly inadequate warning signage.
It’s a death trap! Which does make it pretty cool.
All death-traps should be that beautiful! Lure in the stupid and slow and improve the gene pool!
I’m all for that. Or we can just torched all the Walmarts on a Saturday.
Your photos of South Carolina make me want to live there.
Yeah, well I’m sure even parts of Hell are photogenic.
bwahaa!! That made me LOL!
Just remember…she doesn’t include people in the photos. It’s the citizens that will make you run for the border!
First of all, I am disappointed that you are less addicted to your blog than the rest of us are. Second, where’s the picture of you in your fanny pack? Third, great pictures of adorable animals! Fourth, except for the alligator–not adorable. Good job holding the camera still enough for a clear photo, though.
I think that covers it.
I am totally addicted to the attention. That photo was taken as I was stepping back for sure.
Played on a golf course in Florida. Fricking alligators were alongside the water hazard, and my wife hit one with her golf ball. That had to piss him off. She wanted me to go get the ball. I figured she just wanted me eaten and turned into gator shit.
Hell when your wife conspires with a gator to murder you.
Probably a double pay out on your life insurance policy for “death by gator.”
Shit, I didn’t realize that.
Damn.
You know what they say about blogging !!!! If you dont use it… you’ll lose it… But I understand what you are saying… ;(
I think that’s “sexy stuff” not blogging.
Well, If you’re going to pay for statues of naked men with little willies doing weird shit, you’re going to have to let the gators take the occasional tourist.
Funding priorities, Laura. Times are tough.
I’m sure you’re right, I just don’t want to be THAT tourist.
You need to sue their asses for intentional infliction of emotional distress based on that clearly inadequate signage and lack of control over dangerous and deadly creatures. How does staying on “the path” save you from snakes that slither, stinging insects that fly and very mobile (and hungry) gators? I am drafting up the complaint now. We should be able to get you enough money to buy gin and circus peanuts for life. Negligent bastards.
You are definitely my new attorney.
Thanks. My motto is “De minimis non curat lex” – the law does not bother with trifles.
And I shall pay you in Circus Peanuts.
Deal.
Hard to sneak up on people with that red arrow for a hat.
HaHa!!!
That’s a great shot of that butterfly. Framable, but I think all good photos should be framed. I frame so many I’m out of wall and desk space.
Anyway, like you, I’ve been giving this whole blogging thing thing some serious thought. I’ve been doing it for almost ten years. I’ve met some really good people, face to face, and I’ve met a few whackos. I’m backing up all my shit in case I make a spur of the moment decision.
How’s my little buddy Jack coming along?
You have to admit though that some days it’s fun, other days it’s just work. I’ve about decided that when it feels like work, I just won’t do it.
Jack is great! His rehab is making him stronger every day! He gets to walk on a treadmill in water and gets massages.
What’s that? Jack walks on water?
Well, more like in it.
Good for Jack, he’a a high class hound dog.
Gators? AND venomous snakes?
(marks this place OFF the list)
IT’S A TRAP for sure.
First surviving the presidential election and now you’re threatening to not write blogs any more? I can’t take it!!
I need to refill my Xanax prescription.
Cough syrup works too.
with the Xanax.
Don’t go all Heath Ledger on us.
WTH? Big ass man just sitting on gator? Don’t think so. Looks to me he has a finger in the gators ass! I’ve seen Mike Rowe on Dirty Jobs perform the same manuver. Yep, that’s a finger job.
There is something seriously demented about a garden that allows crocigators (I hate them sumbitches), fox, otters, and butterflies to roam free and fences in goats. I know they tell us the fence is to keep the goats safe but it’s a conspiracy! Fence the wild animals I say!!!
I know! The goats and swan were fenced. I understand why the swan. Those sonsabitches are meaner than gators.
WHAT!! I near passed out. How can we make this less work for you? I can’t get Bo, apparently just PLANNING a kidnapping is illegal. More gin? I can send you directions for making a still in that pool.
FMFM must continue. Send your demands.
Twinkies.
They intentionally did NOT put that warning sign at the beginning of the trail.
They have to feed the gators Somehow !
But not with Jack’s Mom !
Shit, I know I’d have run like hell and had a panic attack later, when I was safe !
*
Glad to hear Jack’s improving so well !
He’s doing great, thanks.
Wierd park that has to put up signs, “Be warned, there be shit in here that likely’ll kill you” I wouldn’t imagine that’d be a real draw for most park-goers.
‘tho, I’m thinking that gater was probably a life-like reproduction designed specifically to scare the livin’ bejeebus out of otherwise unsuspecting pedestrians.
That, and that photo TOTALLY calls out for a “Soon.” caption.
It does, doesn’t it?!
You make everything epic
Thank you. I try.
Unstable land? Are there grenades and stuff in it? I remember seeing a few gators up close on my trip to the everglades and all I thought was, “Mmmm….gators are tasty!”
Right now I’m trying to decide if I want to start watching Sons of Anarchy or The Walking Dead. Probably both.
BOTH!!
SOA is awesome.
That alligator made me think of fried Twinkies.
TWINKIES!!!!!
Heh. I’m calling your bluff. You’re not going to quit blogging…you crave the attention. You quitting blogging would be like Hostess not making Twinkies. Oh, WAIT. O_O
I know! Next will be Circus Peanuts! Then there’d be no reason to go on living!!