Everyone needs a fleet of flying monkeys to rip the stuffing out of the annoying people in their lives
— Laura

Freedom's off the table when your platform is mostly a dictatorship and since bacon is way too expensive, I'll just give y'all the password to my WiFi.

Well, it looks like I ran my presidential campaign like I run my life; half-assed, half-drunk, and pretty much just ignoring shit and hoping for the best. Here it is election time and everyone’s talking about those two smooth-talking, lying sonsabitches like that’s all they get to choose from when really y’all would seriously be better off with me at the helm. Of course, I’d have a few countries (READ: The Middle East, China, and FRANCE) nuked the day after the election, because waiting for Inauguration Day is for pussies, and we’d be in the middle of a nuclear winter by the following week, which means Christmas would come early this year, which technically makes me Santa Claus. So write my name in on that ballot and Merry Christmas, motherfuckers!


84 Responses to Down to the wire.

  1. Princess says:

    Im up for an early Christmas. Lets get all this shit done and out of the way. Im ready for 2013.

  2. WonderWoman says:

    I am on my way right now. Good luck Luara. You have my vote.

  3. Yabu says:

    You’ve got my vote if you’ll throw some gin and juice into the mix. Hell, I’ll vote twice.

  4. Jess says:

    You have my vote, as long as Jack is Attorney General.

  5. Jeffro says:

    Yeeee Hawww!!! Burn, baby, burn!

  6. Elizabeth says:

    You.Are.My.Hero!!!!!! You had me at “Bacon”… then it was all “blah blah wi-fi blah BACON blah whatever”.

  7. Jena says:

    well… since you put it like that! Hell yea! I will go back and vote again! Just for YOU!

  8. Rachele Deagnon says:

    If I was American you’d have my vote. Can I still get free bacon?

  9. October Fire says:

    Im up for the Nukin……

  10. Larry says:

    So you’ve already backed off on the freedom and now you’re trying to replace the bacon with wifi.

    Damn, not even elected yet and already breaking your campaign promises. You’ll fit right in!

    Good luck!

  11. Ely North says:

    I hope you win. I friggin’ hate France.

  12. Jan says:

    Booyah! Light the fuckers up like a Christmas tree! I’ll even dig up a bunch of dead people to vote for you!

  13. Cheryl Lundgren says:

    I voted early so I’ll have to go fight myself through the throngs and vote again. I must have missed your name on the ballot the first time!

    But NO NUKES!! Only bacon. You know if those countries ate more bacon and had free wi-fi you probably wouldn’t need to even consider nukes.

  14. Roxie says:

    Darn it! I all ready voted for Roseanne Barr! Shucks!!! Can I vote again, for you this time?

  15. jo says:

    Laura for President = Mayan calendar apocalyptic prediction. That solves that mystery. Bring on the bacon!

  16. Hendrix Williams says:

    Great another watchdog list I’ll be put on but snow for Thanksgiving and my owner Bday it’s worth it I will make him do it count him in….me don’t think you want to be in charge of Puggievil but jack might.

  17. Erik says:

    I would have voted for you, but I went with Cthulhu – http://www.cthulhu.org/

    You had me with bacon, and then you renigned, But you do want to nuke France and China, which I am fully behind you on. We need the oil from the ME.

    I don’t need your wifi password – I hacked that account already.

  18. Ethan John says:

    Laura, I would love to see you get in there, that would be a hoot. As your first order of business, could you please give all your readers Free Gas! oh and Free Bacon?

  19. LyleLovett666 says:

    I worry about you some times.”Half drunk”?Why must you live your life in a half drunken state when fully drunk is just three more drinks away?

  20. I wrote you in for mayor of my town. If you win, I don’t want free wifi. I want the gin :D

  21. Liz says:

    I’ve been out of the country on vacation so I’m needin’ to catch up on my comments:

    1) I would arm wrestle that Triceratops for your corn fritters. I’d win too. I lurv me some corn fritters.

    2) Your avant-garde video of Jack warmed my heart. Even with the shots of the grass (grass freaks me out big time!). I’m glad he’s doing so great.

    3) Halloween = Internal Organ Damage and Regret? I did good on the organ damage but have no regrets. I obviously blew it.

    4) I have to say, both Jack and Thelma look fantastic in the Triceratops costume. Thelma wins the award for the perfect “fuck off” expression.

    5) The Bunch o’ Bitched should just go to hell already. Your Halloween display is outstanding. I’d pay for you to come and liven up my office. Not more than $5 though. Do you work cheap?

    6) Where do I donate to help you recover from your hurricane damage? You won’t get more than $5 though (can you tell that I’m cheap?).

    7) I already voted for you (7 or 8 times)!! I could use some free Wi-Fi!

  22. Elphaba says:

    You couldn’t possibly do a worse job that the miserable failure currently occupying the oval office. However, if you want my vote, the bacon needs to go back on the table; also, I want more Jack (the dog, not the booze)!

    *Paid for by Jack Ledford, who approves this message*

  23. You have my vote because I can’t wait to hear the magical words, “And now a message from our First Lady, George Clooney . . .”

  24. SB Smith says:

    If a cat somewhere can be a mayor (True Story !), then so can yours….and Jack can be Sheriff.

    Mayor Stubbs

  25. Nicole says:

    Woulda been more palatable by far than the vote I had to cast today. I’m in.

  26. Otter says:

    I did it. It felt great. we have a jerk of a guy running and nobody ran against him.Piss me off so I wrote in “LAURA LEDFORD” It was so cool when I reviewed my choices it showed Laura Ledford instead of that froggin jerkoff. It was fabulous. So im waiting to hear your name on the news tonight. They’ll be sayin…. “Who’s Laura Ledford”

  27. Brea says:

    Hey, then as President, you’d have to get a GOAT for the White House lawn… Gotta go green, you know, maybe a whole herd of goats. Then you wouldn’t have to have gardeners mowing at 6 in the morning, while you’re sleeping off the gin and circus peanuts.

    Would this make J the “First J”? Wonder how he’d look in pearls and heels…

  28. I voted for ya, Laura…mostly because I wanted that gig as chief distiller and Sect. of Fucking People Up With Stick Science.
    But there seems to have been a mishap–some Obamummbles guy won in your place. I think you might have to voodoo your elves because I’m not seeing any nuclear winter Christmas.

  29. Cheryl Lundgren says:

    Did you win? Are there long lines for the bacon handouts?

  30. Elphaba says:

    I wish you HAD won. Then maybe we could afford bacon. Since nobody apparently gives much of a crap about the economy (because, lady parts and free stuff), bacon will be hard to come by. Alas.

    P.S. I still want more Jack. He deserves his own banner. How come Thelma and voodoo get all the attention? ;)

  31. mark smith says:

    Sorry you didnt win the election. But this has got to be some consolation. http://www.thisiswhyimbroke.com/triceratops-dog-costume

  32. Tina says:

    Everything OK?

  33. Jess says:

    Last week, I worked so many hours, it’s probably illegal, which led to a weekend of trying to find my ass and reattach it to my backbone.

    As I was perusing the internet world, I realized it’s been six days without so much as one word from the kingdom where dinosaurs are blessed with the benevolence of a great ruler with a trusty dachshund warrior for protection. I am concerned and have to ask if all is okay.

  34. zonker says:

    As much as it pains me to admit it, it’s time you gave your concession speech. Either that or start up your government-in-exile routine.

  35. jo says:

    where are you? is Jack OK?

  36. Michelle says:

    You haven’t posted in a couple of days. I hope all is well.

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