Everyone needs a fleet of flying monkeys to rip the stuffing out of the annoying people in their lives
— Laura
Freedom's off the table when your platform is mostly a dictatorship and since bacon is way too expensive, I'll just give y'all the password to my WiFi.
Well, it looks like I ran my presidential campaign like I run my life; half-assed, half-drunk, and pretty much just ignoring shit and hoping for the best. Here it is election time and everyone’s talking about those two smooth-talking, lying sonsabitches like that’s all they get to choose from when really y’all would seriously be better off with me at the helm. Of course, I’d have a few countries (READ: The Middle East, China, and FRANCE) nuked the day after the election, because waiting for Inauguration Day is for pussies, and we’d be in the middle of a nuclear winter by the following week, which means Christmas would come early this year, which technically makes me Santa Claus. So write my name in on that ballot and Merry Christmas, motherfuckers!
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84 Responses to Down to the wire.
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Im up for an early Christmas. Lets get all this shit done and out of the way. Im ready for 2013.
Merry Christmas!
I am on my way right now. Good luck Luara. You have my vote.
Yes! Merry Christmas!
You’ve got my vote if you’ll throw some gin and juice into the mix. Hell, I’ll vote twice.
Deal!
You have my vote, as long as Jack is Attorney General.
That’s a deal! Now go vote!
Yeeee Hawww!!! Burn, baby, burn!
Merry Christmas!!
You.Are.My.Hero!!!!!! You had me at “Bacon”… then it was all “blah blah wi-fi blah BACON blah whatever”.
Then vote for me!
well… since you put it like that! Hell yea! I will go back and vote again! Just for YOU!
Do it! And Merry Christmas!
If I was American you’d have my vote. Can I still get free bacon?
Just my WiFi password I’m afraid.
Im up for the Nukin……
Then vote for me, you won’t be disappointed.
So you’ve already backed off on the freedom and now you’re trying to replace the bacon with wifi.
Damn, not even elected yet and already breaking your campaign promises. You’ll fit right in!
Good luck!
Dude, at least I’m telling you prior to the election!
I hope you win. I friggin’ hate France.
Viva le nuke!
Booyah! Light the fuckers up like a Christmas tree! I’ll even dig up a bunch of dead people to vote for you!
That’s the spirit! Merry Christmas!
I voted early so I’ll have to go fight myself through the throngs and vote again. I must have missed your name on the ballot the first time!
But NO NUKES!! Only bacon. You know if those countries ate more bacon and had free wi-fi you probably wouldn’t need to even consider nukes.
Huh….that was fight my way through the throngs. It’s early and I haven’t had coffee or bacon this morning. I can barely sit up.
P.S. Good morning Jack! Hope you’re doing better!
Jack is doing fantastic! Thanks for asking.
I hope you’ve had your coffee and bacon by now.
Geez. When I first read this, I thought that Cheryl was fighting her way through the thongs. What an image THAT was.
Banana hammocks.
Except for France.
Darn it! I all ready voted for Roseanne Barr! Shucks!!! Can I vote again, for you this time?
Vote again!
Laura for President = Mayan calendar apocalyptic prediction. That solves that mystery. Bring on the bacon!
And Circus Peanuts!!!
I googled Circus Peanuts. You’re on your own there. I’ll double-up on the bacon.
Circus Peanuts are food of the Gods!
The Gods live on Circus peanuts and Smarties?
Yes. And gin.
Great another watchdog list I’ll be put on but snow for Thanksgiving and my owner Bday it’s worth it I will make him do it count him in….me don’t think you want to be in charge of Puggievil but jack might.
Jack definitely would.
I would have voted for you, but I went with Cthulhu – http://www.cthulhu.org/
You had me with bacon, and then you renigned, But you do want to nuke France and China, which I am fully behind you on. We need the oil from the ME.
I don’t need your wifi password – I hacked that account already.
Ha!!
Don’t make me get my Secret Service after your ass!
Laura, I would love to see you get in there, that would be a hoot. As your first order of business, could you please give all your readers Free Gas! oh and Free Bacon?
Sorry, just WiFi.
I worry about you some times.”Half drunk”?Why must you live your life in a half drunken state when fully drunk is just three more drinks away?
Ha! I’m drunk on life! yeah,that’s it.
I wrote you in for mayor of my town. If you win, I don’t want free wifi. I want the gin
Yay! I’m still nuking France though.
I’ve been out of the country on vacation so I’m needin’ to catch up on my comments:
1) I would arm wrestle that Triceratops for your corn fritters. I’d win too. I lurv me some corn fritters.
2) Your avant-garde video of Jack warmed my heart. Even with the shots of the grass (grass freaks me out big time!). I’m glad he’s doing so great.
3) Halloween = Internal Organ Damage and Regret? I did good on the organ damage but have no regrets. I obviously blew it.
4) I have to say, both Jack and Thelma look fantastic in the Triceratops costume. Thelma wins the award for the perfect “fuck off” expression.
5) The Bunch o’ Bitched should just go to hell already. Your Halloween display is outstanding. I’d pay for you to come and liven up my office. Not more than $5 though. Do you work cheap?
6) Where do I donate to help you recover from your hurricane damage? You won’t get more than $5 though (can you tell that I’m cheap?).
7) I already voted for you (7 or 8 times)!! I could use some free Wi-Fi!
My name is Laura Ledford and I approve of all your comments. Ha!
(And no, I’m not cheap.)
You couldn’t possibly do a worse job that the miserable failure currently occupying the oval office. However, if you want my vote, the bacon needs to go back on the table; also, I want more Jack (the dog, not the booze)!
*Paid for by Jack Ledford, who approves this message*
It’s all part of his World Domination Plan!!
Alright, alright. A bacon sandwich.
You have my vote because I can’t wait to hear the magical words, “And now a message from our First Lady, George Clooney . . .”
Ha! Mmmmm George Clooney…
If a cat somewhere can be a mayor (True Story !), then so can yours….and Jack can be Sheriff.
Mayor Stubbs
http://thefw.com/stubbs-cat-mayor/
Ha! He wants to be Ruler of the World.
Woulda been more palatable by far than the vote I had to cast today. I’m in.
Excellent.
I did it. It felt great. we have a jerk of a guy running and nobody ran against him.Piss me off so I wrote in “LAURA LEDFORD” It was so cool when I reviewed my choices it showed Laura Ledford instead of that froggin jerkoff. It was fabulous. So im waiting to hear your name on the news tonight. They’ll be sayin…. “Who’s Laura Ledford”
YES!!
Hey, then as President, you’d have to get a GOAT for the White House lawn… Gotta go green, you know, maybe a whole herd of goats. Then you wouldn’t have to have gardeners mowing at 6 in the morning, while you’re sleeping off the gin and circus peanuts.
Would this make J the “First J”? Wonder how he’d look in pearls and heels…
There would be herds of goats EVERYWHERE.
J would be in the background wearing designer duds.
I voted for ya, Laura…mostly because I wanted that gig as chief distiller and Sect. of Fucking People Up With Stick Science.
But there seems to have been a mishap–some Obamummbles guy won in your place. I think you might have to voodoo your elves because I’m not seeing any nuclear winter Christmas.
It’s voodoo time.
Did you win? Are there long lines for the bacon handouts?
P.S. Oh yeah, what’s the password for the wi-fi?
I didn’t win!!
Sadly no!
I wish you HAD won. Then maybe we could afford bacon. Since nobody apparently gives much of a crap about the economy (because, lady parts and free stuff), bacon will be hard to come by. Alas.
P.S. I still want more Jack. He deserves his own banner. How come Thelma and voodoo get all the attention?
Good lawd, is Jack paying you?
Sorry you didnt win the election. But this has got to be some consolation. http://www.thisiswhyimbroke.com/triceratops-dog-costume
You did see that that is what Jack and Thelma wore on Halloween, right?
no I didnt. I must have missed it. going to look now. figures you would be ahead of the game on dinosuar dog costumes.
Ha! You know I love the dinos.
Everything OK?
All is well.
Last week, I worked so many hours, it’s probably illegal, which led to a weekend of trying to find my ass and reattach it to my backbone.
As I was perusing the internet world, I realized it’s been six days without so much as one word from the kingdom where dinosaurs are blessed with the benevolence of a great ruler with a trusty dachshund warrior for protection. I am concerned and have to ask if all is okay.
Ha! All is well, just super, super busy.
As much as it pains me to admit it, it’s time you gave your concession speech. Either that or start up your government-in-exile routine.
Number two.
where are you? is Jack OK?
All is well. Jack is great.
You haven’t posted in a couple of days. I hope all is well.
All is well, just busy as hell.