Everyone needs a fleet of flying monkeys to rip the stuffing out of the annoying people in their lives
— Laura
Me: “I was driving into work in this morning and I saw something that looked like a possum in the road so I slowed down so it could move along. As I got closer, it didn’t move so I slowed even more until I had to come to a complete stop.”
J: “Was it a possum?”
Me: “No, it was a cat! And it stood there and kinda looked at me and then it walked in circles and panted and staggered and fell. And I thought “RABIES!’”
J: “Uh oh. You didn’t try to rescue it did you?”
Me: “HELL NO! I’m not stupid. I wasn’t about to get out. I mean, it could have been injured by trauma or poisoned, but dude, I’d place a week’s wages it was rabid.”
J: “So you went on around it?”
Me: “For a second I thought about running it over and putting it out of its misery, it was pitiful, but I knew I couldn’t do that. So I went on to work and called the local police and told them I saw Cujo Cat and where it was if they wanted to get animal control out of bed to go get it.”
J: “Well, that’s good, if they actually did anything about it. I’m going to let you go, I don’t feel too well. I’ll call you later.”
Me: “What’s wrong? Do you have rabies? I’ll come over and run you over if you do.”
J: “Oh, I see how it is. You can’t run over a cat, but you’d happily volunteer to run me over.”
Me: “Well, I care about you. I care so much, I’ll put it in reverse- just to be sure.”
J: *click*
P.S. Now here’s my daily picture for National Irritate a Food Pic Hater Food Pic Posting Week or NIAFPHFPPW for short:
You can't cook a Crescent Burger around this place without a damn Spinosaurus showing up.
A few of us at work take turns bringing lunch for the group. This is my contribution today, Crescent Burgers. They eat ‘em like they’re runaway slaves. I don’t know what it is lately, but all I do is stuff meat into things. Wait…what? Nevermind.
Share with your friends...
58 Responses to And now another episode of “Phone Conversations with J.”
Leave a Reply to Laura Cancel reply
Friend me on Facebook!
Follow me on Pinterest!
If the hand modeling thing dosen’t work out, you can always fall back on those meat packing skills
That’s illegal!!
The cat most likely had a stroke/aneurysm. (Been there and it’s scary). Now Im very depressed.
It was probably rabies. They just had a case here and I wasn’t about to find out at 4:30 in the morning either way. You’ll get over it, eat a bacon sandwich.
What the hell kind of job requires you to leave home at 4:30 am? Good God!!!
Assassin.
We must work in different regions. My handler hasn’t notified me of area friendlies.
My region is the world. Ha!
Spinosaurus actually invented the Crescent Burger. Little known fact. They love ‘em.
They’re thievin’ sonsabitches.
How ’bout the recipe for the cresent burger so i can be a theivin’ sonsabitch too….
I linked it. Click that Crescent Burger highlighted link. If that doesn’t work, I have it in by Food folder in Pinterest. They’re really good.
Ha–you should send J a text message that says “thump, thump. I ? U.”
dangit, that was supposed to be a HEART! Where’d the freakin’ question mark come from!? ? <– that's a heart, dammit!
The question mark made it funnier with the thump.
<3
There you go.
Hahaha! I will!
Nothing says love, like putting it in reverse. Wait… what?
Ha! So true.
Running over someone who has rabies is an act of love.
Running over someone who MAY have rabies is just wrong.
Yes. You understand.
I’m going to try that crescent burger recipe, but I think I’m going to substitute roast pork for the hamburger, & maybe some jalapeños for the cheese. & instead of putting it in crescent roll dough, I’m probably going to just make bean soup. Thanks for the recipe, I’ll let you know how it turns out.
Beans are musical fruits.
Yay! You’re a musical fruit person!
Apparently, there are “magical fruit” families out there, and my husband came from one of them..
Magical beans get planted in the ground and grow into giant beanstalks. Geesh!
They make you toot.
We call them Whistle-berries, but I don’t know where that name originally came from.
So you’re saying you are a Stuffing Scientist? Nice!
One thing for sure: y’all don’t have a boring relationship
I am a woman of science.
I’m led to believe a hot, redheaded woman of science. But I admire you for your brain.
Good lawd, where’s my boots?
And the bad thing is that the people at Walmart look at you like you lost your mind when you tell them you’re having problems with pesky Spinosauruses and need something to keep them away.
They’re narrow minded…or maybe a little slow.
I know, right?! Pfft. Fucking WalMart.
Yep, but they do have some good ice cream.
I’ve had those Crescent Burgers before! They’re yummy!
I love your dinosaurs.
You can’t have them. The dinosaurs, not the burgers.
Poor J! lol (I say that a lot here!)
You mean “Poor me,” right? Right?!
No one truly appreciates you, do they?
That statement right there is so true.
Conversations with J are the best!
I doubt he thinks so most of the time. Ha!
Damn those sound good.
They are very tasty.
Mmm, I wish I’d had that before I ate desert! (Picture on fb.) Now I have to find something for dinner, and I don’t have the stuff for that.
Order pizza.
I would have run it over anyway, as a matter of fact, I never would have even slowed down…
Ewww, I don’t like hitting animals/wildlife.
“J” is a good man. he knows when to throw in the chips….
Thus all the *clicks*.
That is just fucking creepy. isn’t it o-dark:30 when you go to work? you sure see some frightful things. Like that wig or hair piece a few years back.I forget what the hell that was… Damn girl take another route.
Wouldn’t matter. This town is full of frightful things.
“They eat ‘em like they’re runaway slaves
I’m pretty sure that’s racist. Or something.
Expect a strongly worded letter of condemnation and a racous, unruly protest to be delivered shortly. Followed by a candlelight vigil.
And cheesecake.
It may be racist, but I reckon every race was a slave at one time in history or another. But there’s probably not much hungrier than a runaway of slave, so I like the picture it paints. Maybe I should go to a fancy rehab for my racist ways!
Only if they offer croissant burgers for lunch…
HELLS YEAH!
OMG?! Have you never watched a werewolf movie? It’s always the wounded animal stumbling out into the road that the poor schmuck stops to help and then gets his ass bit and then he’s scratching fleas and eating neighbors for the rest of his/her life.
It was obviously a werecat. You are so lucky you avoided the whole being a werecat and changing every full moon for the rest of your life. Everyone knows that being any type of wereanimal is bad for your nails. That would definitely have meant your budding nail modeling career would be out the window!
FUCK! NOT MY NAILS!! Ha!