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Why in the hell isn’t it Friday yet? | Fetch My Flying Monkeys
Everyone needs a fleet of flying monkeys to rip the stuffing out of the annoying people in their lives
— Laura

Yesterday at work as I sat down at my desk I swiped my hand down the rear of my pants to smooth them out so they wouldn’t get so wrinkly and I felt a lump. I was all “What the fuck? I have a lump on my ass! ASS CANCER!” and then I thought “Wait, that came up fast and there was no feeling there- a tumor should hurt! ‘ so I peered around and made sure no one was looking and reached a hand down the back of my pants and felt a wadded tissue thingy. I grabbed it and sure enough it was a dryer sheet. Meh, it could have been worse. Like the time I came to work with my pants on backwards, or the time I came wearing two different shoes that were also two different colors, or the time I was in the grocery store feeling all thin and shit because my tight jeans were feeling loose, only to discover after I came home that the whole ass end was ripped.

I brought sexy back that day in Publix.

Or like the time I walked into a business meeting and a pair of clean panties fell out of a pants leg. So really, a rogue dryer sheet doesn’t even register on my Richter Scale of fashion disasters.

62 Comments
 

62 Responses to Why in the hell isn’t it Friday yet?

  1. Olivia Mason says:

    I too have fallen victim to the two different color shoes, two completely different size heals by about a 1/2 inch. Thought there was something funny but never really looked as I tracked across the parking lot. One black one navy. Yes, mornings can be interesting.Keep up the great work.

  2. Holiday says:

    Hhahhhahahahahahahhahahahhahahahahahahahh oh oh oh hhahahhahahhahahahahahahahhahhahha!

  3. Cinder says:

    I ripped my dress once in a meeting and everyone thought I farted. Really embarrasing. Stupid people. It was pretty funny….. NOT!

  4. Yabu says:

    I’ve done the two color sock thing before. After that, I started doing it intentionally. Still do on occasion.

  5. Alison says:

    I was very afraid of what you might have found down the back of your pants. Especially having recently pissed off Jack and Thelma.

  6. Jena says:

    Im sure your ass smelled great! That that I would want to know or anything..

  7. Jena says:

    Sean blows out the crotch and ass of his jeans about once a year. Sometimes twice on a good one.

  8. Rose Garden says:

    Yeah! Why isn’t it Friday yet? This has been the longest four day week EVAH!

  9. patti says:

    Ya know, they say belly laughs will make you live longer. You should be charging, just sayin’

  10. Mark12A says:

    I went to an out-of-town interview once upon a time and when I put my interview suit on, the entire zipper ripped out. I guess it could have been worse, like if a gerbil dropped out of the crotch or something like that.

    I guess I could pay you for humor, like a quarter for a chuckle, a buck for a guffaw, and five bucks for a full-on belly laugh. Do you do paypal? The picture today is worth a couple of bucks. A photo would have been worth ten.

  11. Cheryl Lundgren says:

    The cartoon is priceless. I hope my laptop still works after I sprayed it with coffee.

    You do understand that the washer and dryer are portals to other dimensions, right? That’s why you lose socks and mysterious items show up in your dryer. Like where the hell did that towel come from?

  12. Terri the Terror says:

    hahahahahahaha. Imagine my terror when I accidentally washed one of my cat’s realistic looking catnip mice and it fell out my pants leg when I was putting them on.
    Come on Friday at 5. This has been one long, freaky, weird week.

  13. Paulie says:

    This is probably my first comment here only because I’m usually stealing your sidebar stuff and posting it on FB.

    Forgive me and thank you for the belly laugh you hilarious beeotch.

  14. Well, if it’s Casual Friday, you can where your Publix jeans again. And if anyone says something, you just scream, “RACIST!!!” And sue for sexual harassment, of course.
    After the settlement, you won’t care what day of the week it is.

  15. Roxie says:

    First it was low rise jeans, and now it’ll be no ass jeans! It’s a responsibility being a trend setter, you must use your powers carefully!

  16. Tea says:

    Since all of the above have happened to me (including the surety that I have ass cancer), I was seriously concerned for a second… and then I just laughed, because as I said, this has all happened to me.

  17. Margie says:

    That rendering is hilarious. Oh, and at least they were clean panties. LOL

  18. Glen says:

    When you get older you start to wonder,”Does air have lumps??”.

  19. Blazen Me says:

    I absolutely love that rendering. that is hysterical…….You are really somethin! Look forward to you every morning. I am a true Monkey Junky…Yes I am!

  20. Brea says:

    Air has lumps… that’s where those “wall o’smell” pockets come from.

    I’ve had the panties-in-the-sleeve thing happen to me, and many socks try to make a run for it in the legs of my pants, especially during the winter. I think it has something to do with an inordinate fear of my feet.

  21. Liz says:

    I was in an elevator one day and a woman stepped in. She turned her back to me to hit her floor button. The entire back of her skirt was tucked into her pantyhose! Thank goodness she was wearing undies or I would have seen a whole lot more of her ass!

    I DID tell her of her problem as I’d want someone to tell me if I was waltzing around with my butt hanging out. I would have told you if I had seen you at the Publix. PS – I love that your undies match your hair!!

    • Laura says:

      You gotta coordinate!

      And I wouldn’t have told her had I known her and if she was one of the Bunch O’Bitches. I would have just smiled. Maybe that’s why karma ripped my pants that day. Yeah that’s it. It was karma that ripped them and not the Circus Peanuts that I shove into my pie-hole every chance I can.

    • untbunny says:

      Holy Hell! I worked in retail at a rather large, prestigious merchandiser many moons ago and this happened to me. Funny as hell!!! I walked around 20 minutes before walking past a mirror to discover my skirt was tucked into the waste band of my pantyhose. Learned three very important lessons that day. First, men will sneak a look no matter their. Second, always check your ass before leaving the bathroom. Third, NEVER wear pantyhose without panties again! Plus, thigh highs are much cooler in the summer.

  22. arty says:

    Imagine my terror when my girlfriends frilly panties fell out of my pant leg when I got up to give a speech. I want to die all over again thinking about that.

  23. Jan says:

    Preach it, sister! Fuck this has been a long short week. It doesn’t help that I was on vacation all of last week either. Damn day job, why hasn’t a filthy rich uncle shown up already????

  24. SB Smith says:

    In the 80′s when I was with 2 GFs at the movies, I went to the bathroom before we went in to sit down.
    When I walked out they started laughing cause I had a trail of about 4 feet of toilet paper stuck to the bottom of my shoe.

    Haven’t had the clothing disasters….yet.

  25. Jess says:

    Years ago, when dirt was new, Volkswagons had the battery under the back seat. When I helped a friend remove the battery, went to the parts house, walked around examining the things on the shelf, and felt cooler than normal, I never realized battery acid ate away my pants and underwear.

    For ten minutes, or so, I mooned everyone in the parts house and was blissfully unaware. Why the acid didn’t burn my skin is beyond me.

  26. Larry says:

    At least they were clean…

  27. I’m glad *clean* panties fell out! I once wore my slippers to work.

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