Warning: Creating default object from empty value in /home/jimstant/public_html/fetchmyflyingmonkeys/wp-content/themes/platformpro/includes/class.layout.php on line 164
Warning: Creating default object from empty value in /home/jimstant/public_html/fetchmyflyingmonkeys/wp-content/themes/platformpro/includes/class.layout.php on line 167
Warning: Creating default object from empty value in /home/jimstant/public_html/fetchmyflyingmonkeys/wp-content/themes/platformpro/includes/class.layout.php on line 170
Warning: Creating default object from empty value in /home/jimstant/public_html/fetchmyflyingmonkeys/wp-content/themes/platformpro/includes/class.layout.php on line 173
Warning: Creating default object from empty value in /home/jimstant/public_html/fetchmyflyingmonkeys/wp-content/themes/platformpro/includes/class.layout.php on line 176
Warning: Creating default object from empty value in /home/jimstant/public_html/fetchmyflyingmonkeys/wp-content/themes/platformpro/includes/class.layout.php on line 178
Warning: Creating default object from empty value in /home/jimstant/public_html/fetchmyflyingmonkeys/wp-content/themes/platformpro/includes/class.layout.php on line 180
Warning: Creating default object from empty value in /home/jimstant/public_html/fetchmyflyingmonkeys/wp-content/themes/platformpro/includes/class.layout.php on line 202
Warning: Creating default object from empty value in /home/jimstant/public_html/fetchmyflyingmonkeys/wp-content/themes/platformpro/includes/class.layout.php on line 206
Warning: Creating default object from empty value in /home/jimstant/public_html/fetchmyflyingmonkeys/wp-content/themes/platformpro/includes/class.layout.php on line 214
Warning: Creating default object from empty value in /home/jimstant/public_html/fetchmyflyingmonkeys/wp-content/themes/platformpro/includes/class.layout.php on line 215
Warning: Creating default object from empty value in /home/jimstant/public_html/fetchmyflyingmonkeys/wp-content/themes/platformpro/includes/class.layout.php on line 217
Warning: Creating default object from empty value in /home/jimstant/public_html/fetchmyflyingmonkeys/wp-content/themes/platformpro/includes/class.layout.php on line 321
Warning: Creating default object from empty value in /home/jimstant/public_html/fetchmyflyingmonkeys/wp-content/themes/platformpro/includes/class.layout.php on line 321
Warning: Creating default object from empty value in /home/jimstant/public_html/fetchmyflyingmonkeys/wp-content/themes/platformpro/includes/class.layout.php on line 321
Warning: Creating default object from empty value in /home/jimstant/public_html/fetchmyflyingmonkeys/wp-content/themes/platformpro/includes/class.layout.php on line 321
Warning: Creating default object from empty value in /home/jimstant/public_html/fetchmyflyingmonkeys/wp-content/themes/platformpro/admin/class.options.metapanel.php on line 56
Warning: Creating default object from empty value in /home/jimstant/public_html/fetchmyflyingmonkeys/wp-content/themes/platformpro/admin/class.options.metapanel.php on line 56
Warning: Creating default object from empty value in /home/jimstant/public_html/fetchmyflyingmonkeys/wp-content/themes/platformpro/admin/class.options.metapanel.php on line 56
Warning: Creating default object from empty value in /home/jimstant/public_html/fetchmyflyingmonkeys/wp-content/themes/platformpro/admin/class.options.metapanel.php on line 56
Warning: Creating default object from empty value in /home/jimstant/public_html/fetchmyflyingmonkeys/wp-content/themes/platformpro/admin/class.options.metapanel.php on line 56
Warning: Creating default object from empty value in /home/jimstant/public_html/fetchmyflyingmonkeys/wp-content/themes/platformpro/admin/class.options.metapanel.php on line 56
Warning: Creating default object from empty value in /home/jimstant/public_html/fetchmyflyingmonkeys/wp-content/themes/platformpro/admin/class.options.metapanel.php on line 56
Warning: Creating default object from empty value in /home/jimstant/public_html/fetchmyflyingmonkeys/wp-content/themes/platformpro/admin/class.options.metapanel.php on line 56
Warning: Creating default object from empty value in /home/jimstant/public_html/fetchmyflyingmonkeys/wp-content/themes/platformpro/admin/class.options.metapanel.php on line 56
Warning: Creating default object from empty value in /home/jimstant/public_html/fetchmyflyingmonkeys/wp-content/themes/platformpro/admin/class.options.metapanel.php on line 49 Now that I’m completely sober this doesn’t make any sense whatsoever, so of course I’m publishing it anyway. | Fetch My Flying Monkeys
I had every intention of cleaning my house this past three-day weekend, but I only got as far as my freezer, where I store the limoncello and vodka. By Sunday night my liver, pancreas, and spleen exploded. After my trifecta of organ failure, I wasn’t worth a shit, so I laid on Couch Island and partook of my favorite drinking activity, which is watching reality shows. I got totally swept up in a show on the History Channel called Mountain Men about three old dudes living off of the land in three different godawful remote places. One was in Alaska, one in Montana, and another in the mountains of North Carolina. As I watched it I was thinking “I could totally do that, I’ve been in the military!” but even in my intoxicated state I knew that it was a bald-ass lie, that any toughness and outdoorsiness I possessed in my youth left a long time ago and all that’s left is a cityfied sissy of a girl who cries when she stubs her toe and mourns a broken fingernail. I sat there and knew deep down in my heart that I’d be dead within the first 24 hours in the wilderness, killed either by a bear, or a wolf, or a rabid squirrel. And if by some miracle I made it past the first 24 hours, I’m pretty sure within the next 24 I’d either die from dysentery or from gangrene caused by an infected briar scratch. And just when I started to feel really bad about how I’d never survive in the woods, that everything would kill me, I realized that there was one thing I could survive, probably more than any mountain man. That due to the high alcohol content of my blood I’d undoubtedly survive a snake bite. And I took another big gulp of vodka and stared smugly at the TV screen. IN. YOUR. FACE. mountain men.
You’d do fine. Jack would ward off any foe in the woods. Not to mention your natural killer instincts would return instantly. You would become “Gladiator Woman”…. I think there is a picture of you like that somewhere… Yeah, yoou’d be fine.
Keep drinking; your toxic alcohol breath would knock a grizzly senseless at ten paces, and all you’d have to do is light it to blaze a trail through gangrene-infected briar patches.
You’d have to go into town every once in a while for more vodka and gin, though.
I was sitting in my cave retreat the other day, gnawing on a haunch of wild beast, thinking to myself, “how could this be any better?” I had diverted a portion of a stream and found a hot spring to make hot-and-cold running water and put some other shit together to make a still. The answer to my question about how it could be better came to me…the presence of a hot redhead. Then I thought about it a little more, and figured said hot redhead would probably want me to put furniture in and move it around pretty much every day. And complain about my diet of wild beast. “You need more salad…think about your cholesterol.” So I went farther into the woods and found a better cave. One that still has wifi, but free of other civilizing influences.
Yannow how some bugs rely on the “bad taste” defense? Where they taste so bad predators leave ‘em alone? I figure that’s my plan, because of all the various and sundry drugs and chemicals that have found their way into the ol’ bod. I bet I taste like shit, and would get spit out.
All the all health alla time fitness nuts would be delicious. Just sayin.’
Imagine a contest in which said mountian men have to drink, shot for shot, with you, me, or any seasoned alcoholic. Sure, they can skin a snake for breakfast, but man, they would be laying in the corner coverend in their own vomit and sweat, eyes rolled back completely comatose, while we sat out on the porch debating the best mixer for Vodka and or Gin finishing yet another bottle of stoli.There, now you should feel better about yourself, I sure do, worthless mountian men muthafuckers.
laura, I walked the Appalachian trail, took me 147 days. I went from Mt. Kathadin Maine, to Springer Mountain Georgia. Of course you have to poop in the woods. But It’s just a mindset.
Mmmmm – limoncello- my survival bunker includes cases of limencello along with the beans and bullets! I just have to figure out how to keep it cold enough with my solar generator. I don’t want to survive if it means I have to drink it warm.
Wow, I just found this blog by accident and I’m really enjoying it. And I’m glad to know I’m not the only one who’s trying to invalidate his organ donor card over a long weekend. Somebody said poop. Snicker.
If I was forced to live that life, I don’t think any predators would have a chance. They’d have to catch me before I jumped off the nearest cliff.
All that survival stuff takes on a different meaning after the fourth day without bathing.
Believe me don’t I know it.
You should head for the hills and write a manifesto, and build a still.
And probably poison myself with the first gulp, if it doesn’t blow up in my face first.
You’d do fine. Jack would ward off any foe in the woods. Not to mention your natural killer instincts would return instantly. You would become “Gladiator Woman”…. I think there is a picture of you like that somewhere… Yeah, yoou’d be fine.
Jack would lead all the predators to me, including the rabid ones. That lil sonsabitch.
Well, if it makes you feel better, Sally’s Beauty Supply had some China Glaze nail colors on sale.
I live to serve
Too late. I bought about 10 bottles Saturday. Gurrl, you think a nail polish sale can get past me? Ha!
Take Tinks with you what doesn’t kill her would kill you. Just saying..
Well , yeah. Which is pretty much everything. That cat could kill a grizzly.
Keep drinking; your toxic alcohol breath would knock a grizzly senseless at ten paces, and all you’d have to do is light it to blaze a trail through gangrene-infected briar patches.
You’d have to go into town every once in a while for more vodka and gin, though.
Godzilla’s secret weapon: Vodka Collins. FACT.
I always suspected so.
You’re like a survival scientist or something.
I was sitting in my cave retreat the other day, gnawing on a haunch of wild beast, thinking to myself, “how could this be any better?” I had diverted a portion of a stream and found a hot spring to make hot-and-cold running water and put some other shit together to make a still. The answer to my question about how it could be better came to me…the presence of a hot redhead. Then I thought about it a little more, and figured said hot redhead would probably want me to put furniture in and move it around pretty much every day. And complain about my diet of wild beast. “You need more salad…think about your cholesterol.” So I went farther into the woods and found a better cave. One that still has wifi, but free of other civilizing influences.
The end.
Dude, always go for seclusion with wifi.
Will taking a nap in a chair by the pool count as living outdoors?
If so them I’m very outdoorsy.
I want some Bunnies in sweaters……..OMG…
Me too! Aren’t they adorable?
Those damn mosquitoes would attack me before anything else! Then I’d be so miserable, I’d welcome a bear attack!
Or you’ll get malaria.
Or West Nile Virus!
Or cholera!
Like on the Oregon Trail!
YES! But with even more dysentery and less Indians!
I could do it! I could. As long as I had an entire camera crew with me. No problem…..
As long as I didn’t have to drink my own piss like Bear Grylls.
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-470155/How-Bear-Grylls-Born-Survivor-roughed–hotels.html
Yeah, he always seems fake.
Yannow how some bugs rely on the “bad taste” defense? Where they taste so bad predators leave ‘em alone? I figure that’s my plan, because of all the various and sundry drugs and chemicals that have found their way into the ol’ bod. I bet I taste like shit, and would get spit out.
All the all health alla time fitness nuts would be delicious. Just sayin.’
That’s good strategy, I should eat more Circus Peanuts.
Living in the “wilderness” for me involves not having MY blowdryer when I travel. I hate the ones at the hotels; they make my hair all frizzy.
I’ll just stay in my big city and hope no bears or rabid squirrels come into my back yard.
Oh I hate those hotel dryers. I also hate a hotel with no room service.
Imagine a contest in which said mountian men have to drink, shot for shot, with you, me, or any seasoned alcoholic. Sure, they can skin a snake for breakfast, but man, they would be laying in the corner coverend in their own vomit and sweat, eyes rolled back completely comatose, while we sat out on the porch debating the best mixer for Vodka and or Gin finishing yet another bottle of stoli.There, now you should feel better about yourself, I sure do, worthless mountian men muthafuckers.
I really do. Those candy-ass mountain men!
laura, I walked the Appalachian trail, took me 147 days. I went from Mt. Kathadin Maine, to Springer Mountain Georgia. Of course you have to poop in the woods. But It’s just a mindset.
I have pooped in woods before. I don’t wanna do it again. Ha!
Mmmmm – limoncello- my survival bunker includes cases of limencello along with the beans and bullets! I just have to figure out how to keep it cold enough with my solar generator. I don’t want to survive if it means I have to drink it warm.
Oh it MUST be ice cold. Goes down so smooth.
My favorite is ghost and hauntings!
I saw that movie and it was great. Loved all thecreatures!
Yeah, I like hauntings and stuff too. Possessions are always a fun thing too. Ha!
Wow, I just found this blog by accident and I’m really enjoying it. And I’m glad to know I’m not the only one who’s trying to invalidate his organ donor card over a long weekend. Somebody said poop. Snicker.
Welcome!