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Three times a lady. | Fetch My Flying Monkeys
Everyone needs a fleet of flying monkeys to rip the stuffing out of the annoying people in their lives
— Laura

J: “What are you going to do on your day off?”

Me: “Well, cherries are in season, so I bought a gallon and I’m going to sit around and watch movies and eat cherries all day.”

J: “Wow, that much fruit in one day? Don’t forget you have to work the next day.”

Me: “Yeah, maybe I’ll get some adult diapers.”

J: “Good lord, Laura.”

Me: “Don’t worry, I’ll get a bunch of those pine air fresheners for cars and hang them from my belt.”

J: Shakes head.

Me: “And people will be all ‘Who shit a cherry tree?’ And I’ll just shrug like I haven’t a clue.”

J: “My flower.”

58 Comments
 

58 Responses to Three times a lady.

  1. Yabu says:

    Blame everything on the T-Rex. In general, nobody fucks with a T-Rex.

  2. Jess says:

    Gotta watch those pits. They’re hell on the hemorrhoids.

  3. BestMomEva says:

    My Flower…….Bwaaaaaa!

  4. Princess says:

    Good Lawd Laura, your gonna have the fruit shits. Diapers wont hold that….

  5. Watson says:

    Those cherries are so perfect they look fake. Are those real? SSSweeeeet!

  6. Harper says:

    Pine and Cherries? OMG that’s going to be really bad.

  7. Jena says:

    “My flower” ha!

  8. Tea says:

    I’m jealous that you live where you can even get fresh cherries, until I remember it’s also 8 bajillion degrees there for pretty much all of summer.

  9. Mr. Bingley says:

    I thought George Washington shat a cherry tree?

  10. Janie Jones says:

    You need to bacon wrap those beauties.

  11. Jeffro says:

    May the path to the can be clear, and your bunghole fodder be soft!

  12. And with one grand phrase, J wins the internets ;)

  13. If there are any left over, just poke a few holes in them, stuff them in a bottle of vodka and stick it in the freezer–instant dessert.
    The cherries, I mean. Not the diapers.

    • Laura says:

      That would be delicious. The cherries, not the diaper.

    • Oh, and add to lemonade and WOWZA!!

      The cherries and vodka, not the diapers.

      • Laura says:

        I will try not to mix that up. Ha!

        • Jan says:

          A friend of my mom’s makes a cherry liqueur that is to DIE for (and I don’t even drink). One part cherries, one part sugar one part vodka, mix and let sit for ~6mo or until the cherries are bleached out (stirring it every few weeks). Goes down smooth, can’t even taste the alcohol hardly, like the best cherry syrup ever.

          Cherries from eastern WA are in season now, and they’re fantastic! I may have to eat nothing else for a while. At least until the local blueberries are ripe anyway, then I’ll shit blue for a month. Summer seems to have finally arrived and it’s sunny and warm today – hooray!

  14. Roxie says:

    Are you going to use the throwing up curse, from Witches of Eastwick, on the Bunch-o-Bitches?

  15. zonker says:

    Having made the mistake of snacking on dried apricots while watching TV one evening…only to discover too late that I ate a LOT of them…I can sympathize. That was one scary night. I’ve joked about the need for a seat belt on the toilet before but that was one of the rare times I truly wished for a roll bar like they have for the rides at Six Flags. TMI? You’re welcome.

  16. Erinyes says:

    Eat the pits so you can be a regular fucking machine gun when you fart.

  17. Nicole says:

    Mmmm…. cherries are awesome. We don’t get good ones around here. They never seem to be very flavorful. Peaches have been mighty good lately, though. And blueberries.

  18. Isn’t there a song about a horse and a cherry tree? I feel like maybe you could blame a horse.

  19. SB Smith says:

    I love cherries !….Chilled first – I can go thru a few lbs. at a time. I have to stop myself !

  20. SB Smith says:

    Oh my God !..the cuteness will Kill you !

    “Otter Pups Swimming Lesson” (by their mom)

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QpTqV6LPl8c

  21. LyleLovett666 says:

    With the cherries and the gin you’re just a few small squirts of oj and seltzer away from a Singapore Sling.An umbrella is not mandatory,but than neither is bathing.Some things are done because we know that they’re part of the social compact that holds humanity together.

  22. Jan says:

    *cue evil laughter*
    It’s currently 75F, sunshine, and 42% humidity here.
    *end evil laughter*

    (Oh who am I kidding? I’m still laughing evilly!)

  23. LusherLaRue says:

    Laura, so glad to see you are responding to comments today. I was concerned all those Independence Day cherries had done you in and you were lying on the bathroom floor faintly yelling for help while poor T-Rex was trying to dial 911 with his tiny thalidomide arms.

    • Laura says:

      HAHA! I am stronger than the cherries! They did not defeat me. (I also pictured how useless T-Rex would be rendering CPR chest compressions.)

  24. Jess says:

    Totally off subject:

    Did you know that iced tea takes on a wonderful quality with a few ounces of scotch?

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