Everyone needs a fleet of flying monkeys to rip the stuffing out of the annoying people in their lives
— Laura
One question people have always asked me is “You really never want/or wanted kids?” And when I reply “No, I never do/did.” they look at me all weird and confused. I just stare back at them like they’re intrusive and rude. But they usually don’t get it so what I’ve started doing lately is elaborating and embellishing my responses just for the fun of it. Just yesterday a lady asked me “You never wanted to have a baby?” and I replied ”Well, I would have if I could have had it gestate in a pickle jar instead of my uterus. I mean, I still would have wanted a baby shower and all the gifts and shit and, of course, the time off of work. Actually, I’m pretty sure I would have preferred it to have gestated in a jar until it was maybe 15. Isn’t 15 the age when kids can legally get a job? I think so. Anyway, did I tell you I’d name my baby Mongoose Montel? No? Well, I woulda.” She looked at me all weird and confused.
Now here’s an ultrasound a PS rendering of my beautiful pickle jar baby:
Pretty much Fetus Mongoose is getting the same nutrients it would have gotten had I kicked it old school. KIDDING. I would have thrown in a few Circus Peanuts and lots of bacon too.
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65 Responses to On being maternal and shit.
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It’s never too early to start drinking Gin. Fact.
So true.
Good choice. Mongoose is such a powerful, commanding name like “badger” or “Monitor Lizard”.
You could have a little crochet curtain with “Shhhh! Gestation is Progress”, which you could close at night. When someone asks: “Is is a girl or a boy?” you could pull back the curtain and say: “Ta Da”
Think of the money you’d save on ultrasounds.
I know! Not to mention the stretch marks!
I am all about power naming babies. It was a indeed a toss up between Mongoose and Badger. Honey Badger if it’s a girl of course.
Hell most of us were gestated on gin and pork products.
In houses with chain smokers.
And we turned out strong! *cough cough*
If you change your mind about wanting kids, I got a couple of ‘em you can have. They’re teenagers now, so they’re pretty much all growed up. No need to worry about changing diapers and such. Of course, they spend money like drunken sailors (or sober politicians), but nobody’s perfect, right? Just let me know where to ship them. Is Fed Ex okay, or do you prefer UPS?
Ummm, no no. But, uh, thanks for the offer.
I wish I had ur # so I could speed dial you for a Laura comment! Never wanted kids, never had them and finally got spayed! People do look at you funny. Fuckers!
It always amazed me that people are so interested on others reproduction choices.
If I had your number I would be giving you life advice all the time. And it wouldn’t be the helpful kind, more likely than not you’d end up in prison.
LOL… but it would be free entertainment! and I have the choice to follow or not!
No. You would have to do everything I tell you.
I have a friend who is childless by choice, and she often gets the same slack-jawed responses from people who just don’t get it.
I wonder, in her case, if her gestating fetus could be given wine- that’s my friend’s drink of choice, and I’m sure she’d like to have something in common with her pickle jar baby.
Oh yes, wine would be fine. (I’m a poet!)
I never did understand why people are so damn interested in other people’s reproductive habits.
Just acknowledging I know the corgis are for me;)
But gotta say – Tank makes me laugh every time I see that one.
oh – and I’ve always had a fondness for the name
Formica Dinette myself.
Ha!
And yes, the corgis are for you (and they’re cute.)
A lot of people come to the realization that they should never have kids. Most of the time you come to the realization too late.
But I’m smarter than most people : )
But you have 4-legged kids and they have higher aspirations than being president.
They’re going to rule the world !….they just won’t give out a timeline.
And they will one day!
Just glance left and right…then whisper: “After the first one disappeared….. I DON’T WANT TO GO BACK TO PRISON!!”
Ha! I should really do that.
How can you be an assassin with a baby? Unless you want to make a prequel to “The Professional”.
Daycare is a bitch when you’re out assassinating people all daY and night.
And you gestated the baby with Rangpur.
AWESOME!!!
It’s what makes Mongoose awesome.
Throw a carton of Marlboros in there and I’ll make it twins for you, Laura. And I’m already old enough to get a job.
Oh, and bacon…yeah, I’ll need some of that too.
Deal if you’ll mow the yard.
I think it’s very irresponsible to show a baby drinking Tanqueray gin.Shame on you.Everyone knows if you want a healthy baby it should only ingest Bombay Sapphire.About half a teaspoon of vermouth is okay as well.
You’re right. I am an irresponsible blogger for sure.
A jar? How about a box?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sFBOQzSk14c
Ha! Okay, a box.
It’s symbolic of his struggle against reality…
I love Eric Idle, trying his damnedest not to laugh!
One of the funniest movies ever made is Monty Python’s Holy Grail. I watch it at least every 6 months.
Yeah, it amazes me not only how interested other people are in whether or not strangers want to have children, but also that it’s taken for granted that every woman would make a great mother or every man a great father. Some folks just shouldn’t have kids and if they know that, more power to ‘em.
Not that you would be a bad mother, you’d be a downright hilarious mother and the cool mom.
The most amazing ones are the ones that were somehow offended that you never wanted children.
And yes, I would have been a super cool mom, but a strict one. I chose to be a super cool childless chick instead. HA!
This has nothing to do with kids, but it has something to do with bacon.
http://www.bbqaddicts.com/blog/recipes/bacon-explosion/
I’d send it to your email but I’m too lazy.
Mmmmmm bacon…
OMG I nearly peed my pants when I saw that. To frickin funny.And I love the name.
Moongoose is my favorite name.
Rikki Tiki Tavi?
That could be his nickname.
I have got to stop reading you at night. I cant sleep. Disturbing.. very disterbing. Funny! but disturbing.
At least you didn’t see the video.
I love those Corgis. They are too sweet. I could have 6 or 8 of those.
That’s the danger of puppies.
Corgi’s? what Corgi’s are you guys takin bout? I dont see no Corgi’s. I see Piglets.
Keep clickin’.
If you want Mongoose to stay in that pickle jar till he is 15, you’d better get a bigger jar…..WE NEED A BIGGER JAR OVEA HERE…
Maybe a wine barrel.
I really like the idea of gestating in a pickle jar. Because there is a great shortage of beauty contests in the world and because it’s never too early to start feeding that inferiority complex in your children, you could enter them in contests at the fair for judging. Just like pickles, there could be a blue ribbon for the biggest and one for the prettiest and one for the best color, etc.
You are a genius.
No, you are the genius. State Fair Baby Pickle Jar Beauty Contests!
I once had a friend who had four kids. He kept bugging me about having kids. I finally told him
“You make your mistakes and I’ll make mine”
He never spoke to me again.
I really do think it is a “misery loves company” kinda thing sometimes. I have also had friends that started having kids and actually acted pissy towards me because I could still take vacations and buy what I want. I was always “WTF dude? You made your choice, don’t get mad at me.”
Oh, I get the same “You never wanted children?” question, often followed by the pitying statement: “But what about when you get old and sick and need someone to take care of you?”
Seriously? You just as much told me I’m going to die in a ditch somewhere because I didn’t pop a sprog? How heartless ARE you?
These days, I just tell them I work with children five days a week and that shuts them up. I don’t usually need to specify whether the “children” are my students or my colleagues….
I really think they just want everyone miserable. Ha!
I may die in a ditch without my spring-offs, but I’m going to die with a shitload of cash.
Amen.
lmfao
Two days and no post? In the middle of the week? Are you drinking to excess? If so, have one for me.
I wish! Just super busy. But thanks for being concerned UNLIKE ANYONE ELSE.
The last 2 times I emailed my concern… I got NO REPLY or acknowledgement! Ha!
Gurl, I’m not in my email that often.
Pickle jars. Babies. No posts for awhile.
Quail eggs make good surrogate children. You can put them into a ziploc bag, pop them out at lunch and add mayonnaise and some genoa salami and call them… George. And pet them.
Don’t think I haven’t.