Everyone needs a fleet of flying monkeys to rip the stuffing out of the annoying people in their lives
— Laura
Sunday morning I had to slam on brakes and swerve at least four times due to squirrels darting out in front of my car. At first I thought it was some kind of Omen thing, like when all the animals in the zoo threw themselves at Damien in a blind rage, but then I remembered I’m not Satan’s child, no matter what you heard. No, the real reason the squirrels have gone all suicidal is because it’s early summer and it’s already 10,000 degrees outside and they’d rather end it quickly under a tire than spending months in a fur coat, as would I. That’s right, it’s hot as Hell and I’m going to bitch about it all summer.
Oh, I watched both seasons of Games of Thrones this past week and now I’m all hyped up on being medievally dramatic.
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50 Responses to It’s swamp ass season here, where I once again live in absolute mortal fear of the air conditioner breaking.
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I use to shoot every squirrel I could the red dot on. Yes, I have a one pumper .177 and .22 with laser sights. I kept a tally sheet on the refrigerator. Usually got about 60 a year, but I quit shooting ‘em after Stretch moved in, and the neighbors young children got swing sets and trampolines. You must admit, seeing a squirrel rolling a nice juicy ripe tomato across the yard would piss you off. Also, pellets will ricochet. Fact. Maybe I need a feral cat, or two.
J’s cats hunt squirrels. They like to eat their heads off and then leave their headless corpses on his front steps so his neighbors think he’s into voodoo. Of course, I also tell his neighbors that too.
I do know that cats who hunt in pairs or groups is a whole different ballgame than going solo.
His could take an elk down, I swear. I’m lucky now if mine can take on a Palmetto Bug, but then again, they are larger than elk.
You need to sneak over to his front steps when a headless squirrel corpse is there but before he knows about it and tie red strings around the squirrel’s feet. That will up the voodoo points, believe me. Bonus voodoo curse points if you can make yourself hang one of the red-stringed squirrel corpses above his door.
YOU are a squirrel voodoo scientist.
It was 100 degrees yesterday. That’s unacceptable and unwarranted. I’m too old for this shit, so I need the winning numbers for the lottery. After I win, I can buy 10,000 snow cones, pile them in the yard and act like it’s snowing. Then, I can moon the neighbors and go back into my walk-in freezer converted to a bed room.
I want to visit you after you win. The guest room will also be a freezer unit too, right?
Ohhh, an Arctic guest room or bedroom…..Heaven !
Our high today is 102. (100 miles NW of Houston)
This SUCKS.
I don’t think the weather should ever get above 80.
I hate squirrels, My husband used to peg them to the lawn with his dart gun. I mean this thing looked like one of those spear guns they use in the ocean but it wrapped around his arm and was much smaller. but very effective.
That device could come in handy for the zombie apocalypse.
I feed my squirrels. Yep they come right up on the deck and eat veggies and nuts. they are really fun to watch up close and very freindly. Cute little fellas.
I will send mine to you. Be surety open the box with a long stick.
They’re cute if they leave the birdseed alone.
Eddie Izzard – Squirrels
(quick version start at :50 seconds)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qAHdT22TNVI
Sorry that one is censored.
It’s much better with the F words.
Everything is better with the F word.
HA!
Rat poisin works well. then you can watch them stagger around, fall over and die.
No, no. Not with pets around.
Squirrels are rats with fluffy tails and a lot less fear. There is nothing freindly about them, there is nothing cute about them. they are agressive rats and they tear things up, and are full of disease. they are gross.
Wow. You should be a squirrel ambassador.
Here in Missouri, we eat squirrel. Shoot em skin em and cook em. they are a great food source… taste like Chicken. Not really.
I’ve tasted them before. Too gamey.
I have definite plans to buy one of those bungee cord squirrel feeders this year, just so I can watch the suckers try to eat the corn without flinging themselves into outer space. It’s on my “List of things to do”. Of course, it’s a long list.
Ooooo please video it.
Heat bad… Squirrels bad…..eating squirrels is disgusting…..I will be spending the summer INSIDE as well. I love the Idea of a walk-in freezer converted to a bed room. That sounds fabulous…..I will be looking into that..
I want one too.
You’re so right about the heat. In fact, just last week here in Seattle we had some blistering weather. Oh sure, the thermometer read 68, but with humidity the heat index had to be 75, at least. I don’t know how much more of this I can take.
BRAGGART!!
Especially when compared to the early mornings: just yesterday I had to pull an extra blanket over my toes. It’s murder, I tells ya!
BRAGGARD!
I want someone to make underwear (and bras) made of that water-filled (ice-filled) plastic they use for chilling drinks without watering them down!
I would so buy them.
No shit! Get right on that idea! Or get a Adult only refreshment van, like an ice cream truck…. but with Adult drinks!
With male strippers in the back.
When our A/C has broken in the past (always in blistering weather) I like to use big Ziploc bags and keep some clothes in the freezer. Then when I need to change clothes, the clean ones are dry and COLD….Bra and undies, too.
It only feels cool for about 5 to 10 minutes – but better than having to put on 90+ degree clothes !
I’d want to keep my entire wardrobe in the freezer.
So hot and dry here in Colorado that we now have ten fires burning in the mountains. The big one near here was started by lightning, but I heard that one of the others was caused by a fat man wearing courduroy pants while hiking, and yet another was caused by a heated conversation between two people.
Heat is better handled with low humidity, but the humidity is so low right now that trees explode. Gonna be a long summer.
Ha! Corduroy causes more bush fires than anyone thinks. And yes, it’s the humidity that kills me.
Be careful and go if or when they tell you to.
All this hostility aimed at squirrels.I was going to post my recipe for crispy fried squirrel cheese,but it seems I best not bother.
Squirrel Haters!
uh….I’ve read a lot of hateblogs before, but none with so many vicious comments as your squirrel hating readers. Do they have special tattoos? I know they’re just tree rats, but when we lived in Indiana, they got to know me and Joe and (honestly) would bring their babies to see us when we were on the patio. TRUE STORY!!
I personally have helped raise baby squirrels that fell out of the nest before. The only squirrel I really dislike are the ones that will try to get in my attic.
Some friends of ours took in a baby squirrel found on a big lot. They never knew what happened to the mom or siblings. I can’t remember what they called her cause I thought she should have been named Rocky (as in Rocky & Bullwinkle). She’s full grown now and lives in a decent sized cage….she’s funny.
I had a friend who raised one as a kid, and her parents then caged in an entire tree outside her bedroom and had a habitrail type thingy coming through her window so the squirrel could come back inside to visit. She loved her squirrel.
If you are in the market for a walk in freezer bedroom, you could come sleep under my desk in our new office. I sit under a vent and the thermostat was set to 60 degrees today since the doors were open a lot with the movers going in and out. The doors being open a lot didn’t seem to make it any warmer in there even though it was over 100 outside…
I love a cold office!
Yeah, squirrels are interactive dog toys for my Jack Russell. They don’t much come around anymore. They must the smarter than I originally thought.
But my heat bitching: My air conditioner died with a squeak and a puff of smoke. Hauled my ass to Lowe’s and bought a window unit. The local utility will pay for a replacement and I pay it back to them over the next thousand years or something. But today’s Saturday and NO self-respecting civil servant is anywhere to be found.
Or I can just write an $8500 check. But since I’m off beer and circus peanuts, that may not be too bad.
Yes, that’s just a month’s allowance for beer and Circus Peanuts.