Everyone needs a fleet of flying monkeys to rip the stuffing out of the annoying people in their lives
— Laura
My friend Richelle and I went shopping this weekend because that’s what we do best, second to drinking of course. We went downtown because there are different stores there other than the same ole’ same ole’ in the suburban malls. When we were finished and began driving out of town, we both decided we were starving and were discussing where we’d go. We had settled on either Red Lobster or Olive Garden when we spotted a quaint pottery shop and decided we had to stop. We kind of overshot it so we parked about a block down and decided to walk to it. As we were walking we smelled the wonderful scent of a cookout and looked at each other and simultaneously said “Mmmm, a barbecue.” As the smell got stronger, I saw that there was a group of people behind a church and I turned to Richelle, and said “Follow my lead” and veered toward a gate on the side of the church. We both started laughing.
We walked through the gate and I turned to Richelle and whispered “Try to blend.” Richelle started to make the sign of the cross in reverse and I elbowed her and through clenched teeth whispered “Stop. They’re not Catholic and whatever the fuck you just did, we should be glad they aren’t.” Once we were in the center of the people, we just kind of stood there looking around, scoping out a way to the food. No one was paying any attention to us at all. I told Richelle this was “fantastic.” She said it was ”terrifying” and “wanted to leave before lightning struck us.” I told her we’d leave, but first I think Jesus would want us to have a burger. We stood in the food line as little church ladies piled potato salad, deviled eggs and a giant grilled burger with the works on our paper plates. We chatted with a few of them about the weather and such and then found some empty spots at a near-by picnic bench.
I really couldn’t completely enjoy my delicious burger though. Richelle kept saying things like “We’re gonna burn for this” and “You always make me do shit like this” and “I think you’re Satan” Finally I said “Nah, we’ll find a way to make a donation, don’t worry.” And we did. Their church was open and right there in the back of the church was indeed a donation box.
So we had a delicious lunch, we weren’t struck by lightning, I’m not Satan because we squared it with Jesus, and we may or may not have signed up for missionary work in Haiti.
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60 Responses to Crashing God’s BBQ.
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Tell Richelle that Jesus fed the masses, I’m sure He would want you both to have the burgers and especially the potato salad. Jesus loves you.
Now if you’d snuck into the church and stole the sacramental wine that would be a whole different matter. You’d be up shit creek without a paddle and a lightning bolt up your ass.
What a fun day!!
I wouldn’t steal from anyone, let alone a church. Even if they had gin for their wine and Circus Peanuts as their communion wafers. I would, however, consider joining that church.
“Gin for wine, and Circus Peanuts for communion”….That is brilliant!! We should start our own church!
WE SHOULD! And we’ll hold bible study at the the bar on Fridays!
That is commonly referred to as Theology on Tap in Catholic circles… or a typical Tuesday afternoon.
HA!
Yep, yer going to Hell.
I’ll be amongst friends at least.
Im pretty sure they are open to the pubilc they just dont advertise. It’s usual to get new members. You should join, then youd be square. No worries.
Ummm no. Ha!
I think Richelle is right, on all three counts.
She usually is.
The Good Lord would not deny anybody a burger. Im sure you’re fine there. Besides after reading your blog for 4 or 5 years, Im sure you have a lot of other things to worry about in that respect. Ya Know?
Sadly, I do know.
Jesus loves everyone, yo.
Even if you steal a burger.
That’s what I told Richelle!
If God didn’t want you to have the grilled burger, he’d placed an open parking space in front of the pottery shop, which now that I think of it, gives your encounter an ironic twist.
I’m pretty sure Heaven’s okay with it considering the “tip” we left which was way more than what we would have spent at Red Lobster. It was the first cookout I’ve been to all year and it was damn good.
If any of the sixteen churches in my relatively small town had barbeques, I’d consider attending… maybe I should tell them that the next time they drop off their pamphlets and invite me.
If there were a Church of the Holy Barbeque I would be a deacon.
The church people were duty-bound to feed the hungry. You can look it up right there in the bible. So, you gave some godly souls the chance to earn heaven points. And no part of the bible says that the hungry person is a thieving minion of satan. Nowhere. Win-win.
You are the minister of bible fact.
Ain’t nothing like a good meal, no matter where you get it. Bonus would be the Gin.
Hells yeah.
You’re gonna regret it when they start knocking on your door and sending you mail.
Nooo!
You can assure Richelle that she is safe from Satan,as I am currently touring with my big band.
LL666
Hahaha! I’ll tell her. Can we get backstage passes.
As long as you didn’t stop in front of a church that served goat-burgers. You probably won’t go to hell for that, but you may end up in Buffalo.
No! Not Buffalo!!!
You and Richelle have nothing to worry about..
As accessible as the church BBQ was, you might not have been the only ones who “crashed” it !
You left a contribution, but the question is, did others who crashed it leave one?
Besides, if they’d noticed you, the church members probably would’ve invited you to have a burger with them.
I honestly thought it was a festival until we rounded the corner. Then it was too late and I was pretty much committed to getting a burger.
Look on the bright side, Laura. the Dominican Republic is just over the mountains from Haiti and you can get good burgers there too…and cocktails, and tan young men who don’t speak English to serve them to you.
Anything else can probably be negotiated.
I don’t want to go to either. They’re both too close to the Equator. I don’t like African hot countries.
Girl, the Good Lord would never send you to Haiti.
Not when Jamaica is near at hand.
I’m more of an Iceland or Alaskan kinda girl.
I never thought of doing that, and wouldn’t have even if I had been there. So ditch your girlfriend and I’ll be more than happy to ride shotgun…. WITH a shotgun of course. You never know when those church people might attack.
HAHAH! They looked kinda shady.
I so wish I lived closer to you. You have the best adventures.
Girl, this place is so boring you gotta make your own adventures!
Girl, you should’ve at least pretended to be persuaded by the fine fellowship and friendly folk and told everyone you were standin’ in the need of prayer. You know we love to feel needed!
Plus, I’m kinda miffed that God had a BBQ and didn’t invite me. *pout*
Next time you’re in Chucktown, go to Home Team and get the ribs and wings. Seriously. You’d sell your soul to Satan for the last wing on the plate. You’ll understand why Adam wasn’t a black man: ain’t sharing his ribs with nobody!
Ooooo I am going to have to check that out. I love me some ribs.
Yeahhhhh! I see we fixed it….Im happy
Yeppers.
If you do have to go to Haiti – let us hope they have the internets there.
And gin.
I was is a situation like that! I thought it was a stand, selling bbq, but turned out to be a church thing. I told them, sorry, but they gave me some brisket and cornbread, anyway! They were really nice, but I didn’t tell them I’m wiccan!
Haha! You would have freaked them out!
I did that same thing once.
Except it was a wedding. At a fancy restaurant.
I was dressed nicely because I was on a date.
And my date and I had gin and tonics at the bar.
They were good and my date tipped the bartender nicely.
The only problem was I was seventeen and he was eighteen.
We even signed the guest book and laughed our asses off.
Good times.
Good times indeed! Free booze!
By the way, I went to Punta Cana (D.R.) a few years ago.
Best beach I have ever seen.
And I’ve seen my share of beaches.
I, unfortunately, have only seen my share of bitches.
Being a redhead with a fair complexion, I avoid beaches except for the east coast in the winter.
If you make a donation, you have nothing to worry about. And . . . that meant you ate the food for CHARITY.
True fact: food eaten for charity has no calories. I am a Roman Catholic, which means my mojo is older and more bad ass than all of yours, and I had a priest confirm that shit. Church potlucks, school bake sales, Girl Scout cookies all have NO CALORIES as God cancels them out as a reward for being so giving.
I should have had another burger then.
This is said to taste like a glass of Key Lime Pie,but with the bonus of Gin.
SANTA CRUZ-STYLE LIMEADE
One can of frozen limeade concentrate … empty into a mixer
Fill the limeade container with half-and-half … empty into the mixer
Fill the limeade container with gin … empty into the mixer
Add ice and BLEND!
YOU ARE SATAN! Only he’d know a delicious recipe like that.
Ha! I think this is the same thing I tagged you on FaceButt!
I gotta make ‘em. It’s an omen.
Those were good church people. They would have been happy to introduce themselves before they tied the red-headed witch to a chair and burnt her for turnin’ the crops to ashes and causing the cows to give cottage cheese.
HA! You’re probably right- especially if they knew I was brought up a Catholic!