My friend Richelle and I went shopping this weekend because that’s what we do best, second to drinking of course. We went downtown because there are different stores there other than the same ole’ same ole’ in the suburban malls. When we were finished and began driving out of town, we both decided we were starving and were discussing where we’d go. We had settled on either Red Lobster or Olive Garden when we spotted a quaint pottery shop and decided we had to stop. We kind of overshot it so we parked about a block down and decided to walk to it. As we were walking we smelled the wonderful scent of a cookout and looked at each other and simultaneously said “Mmmm, a barbecue.” As the smell got stronger, I saw that there was a group of people behind a church and I turned to Richelle, and said “Follow my lead” and veered toward a gate on the side of the church. We both started laughing.
We walked through the gate and I turned to Richelle and whispered “Try to blend.” Richelle started to make the sign of the cross in reverse and I elbowed her and through clenched teeth whispered “Stop. They’re not Catholic and whatever the fuck you just did, we should be glad they aren’t.” Once we were in the center of the people, we just kind of stood there looking around, scoping out a way to the food. No one was paying any attention to us at all. I told Richelle this was “fantastic.” She said it was ”terrifying” and “wanted to leave before lightning struck us.” I told her we’d leave, but first I think Jesus would want us to have a burger. We stood in the food line as little church ladies piled potato salad, deviled eggs and a giant grilled burger with the works on our paper plates. We chatted with a few of them about the weather and such and then found some empty spots at a near-by picnic bench.
I really couldn’t completely enjoy my delicious burger though. Richelle kept saying things like “We’re gonna burn for this” and “You always make me do shit like this” and “I think you’re Satan” Finally I said “Nah, we’ll find a way to make a donation, don’t worry.” And we did. Their church was open and right there in the back of the church was indeed a donation box.
So we had a delicious lunch, we weren’t struck by lightning, I’m not Satan because we squared it with Jesus, and we may or may not have signed up for missionary work in Haiti.60 Comments