Warning: Creating default object from empty value in /home/jimstant/public_html/fetchmyflyingmonkeys/wp-content/themes/platformpro/includes/class.layout.php on line 164

Warning: Creating default object from empty value in /home/jimstant/public_html/fetchmyflyingmonkeys/wp-content/themes/platformpro/includes/class.layout.php on line 167

Warning: Creating default object from empty value in /home/jimstant/public_html/fetchmyflyingmonkeys/wp-content/themes/platformpro/includes/class.layout.php on line 170

Warning: Creating default object from empty value in /home/jimstant/public_html/fetchmyflyingmonkeys/wp-content/themes/platformpro/includes/class.layout.php on line 173

Warning: Creating default object from empty value in /home/jimstant/public_html/fetchmyflyingmonkeys/wp-content/themes/platformpro/includes/class.layout.php on line 176

Warning: Creating default object from empty value in /home/jimstant/public_html/fetchmyflyingmonkeys/wp-content/themes/platformpro/includes/class.layout.php on line 178

Warning: Creating default object from empty value in /home/jimstant/public_html/fetchmyflyingmonkeys/wp-content/themes/platformpro/includes/class.layout.php on line 180

Warning: Creating default object from empty value in /home/jimstant/public_html/fetchmyflyingmonkeys/wp-content/themes/platformpro/includes/class.layout.php on line 202

Warning: Creating default object from empty value in /home/jimstant/public_html/fetchmyflyingmonkeys/wp-content/themes/platformpro/includes/class.layout.php on line 206

Warning: Creating default object from empty value in /home/jimstant/public_html/fetchmyflyingmonkeys/wp-content/themes/platformpro/includes/class.layout.php on line 214

Warning: Creating default object from empty value in /home/jimstant/public_html/fetchmyflyingmonkeys/wp-content/themes/platformpro/includes/class.layout.php on line 215

Warning: Creating default object from empty value in /home/jimstant/public_html/fetchmyflyingmonkeys/wp-content/themes/platformpro/includes/class.layout.php on line 217

Warning: Creating default object from empty value in /home/jimstant/public_html/fetchmyflyingmonkeys/wp-content/themes/platformpro/includes/class.layout.php on line 321

Warning: Creating default object from empty value in /home/jimstant/public_html/fetchmyflyingmonkeys/wp-content/themes/platformpro/includes/class.layout.php on line 321

Warning: Creating default object from empty value in /home/jimstant/public_html/fetchmyflyingmonkeys/wp-content/themes/platformpro/includes/class.layout.php on line 321

Warning: Creating default object from empty value in /home/jimstant/public_html/fetchmyflyingmonkeys/wp-content/themes/platformpro/includes/class.layout.php on line 321

Warning: Creating default object from empty value in /home/jimstant/public_html/fetchmyflyingmonkeys/wp-content/themes/platformpro/admin/class.options.metapanel.php on line 56

Warning: Creating default object from empty value in /home/jimstant/public_html/fetchmyflyingmonkeys/wp-content/themes/platformpro/admin/class.options.metapanel.php on line 56

Warning: Creating default object from empty value in /home/jimstant/public_html/fetchmyflyingmonkeys/wp-content/themes/platformpro/admin/class.options.metapanel.php on line 56

Warning: Creating default object from empty value in /home/jimstant/public_html/fetchmyflyingmonkeys/wp-content/themes/platformpro/admin/class.options.metapanel.php on line 56

Warning: Creating default object from empty value in /home/jimstant/public_html/fetchmyflyingmonkeys/wp-content/themes/platformpro/admin/class.options.metapanel.php on line 56

Warning: Creating default object from empty value in /home/jimstant/public_html/fetchmyflyingmonkeys/wp-content/themes/platformpro/admin/class.options.metapanel.php on line 56

Warning: Creating default object from empty value in /home/jimstant/public_html/fetchmyflyingmonkeys/wp-content/themes/platformpro/admin/class.options.metapanel.php on line 56

Warning: Creating default object from empty value in /home/jimstant/public_html/fetchmyflyingmonkeys/wp-content/themes/platformpro/admin/class.options.metapanel.php on line 56

Warning: Creating default object from empty value in /home/jimstant/public_html/fetchmyflyingmonkeys/wp-content/themes/platformpro/admin/class.options.metapanel.php on line 56

Warning: Creating default object from empty value in /home/jimstant/public_html/fetchmyflyingmonkeys/wp-content/themes/platformpro/admin/class.options.metapanel.php on line 49
I got some Zombie Apocalypse survival practice in. Sorta. | Fetch My Flying Monkeys
Everyone needs a fleet of flying monkeys to rip the stuffing out of the annoying people in their lives
— Laura

Last week I was walking to my car after work when I noticed a dirty, whacked-out crackhead coming out of the weeded area in front of the employee parking lot. I was close to my car, close enough that I figured I could make it to my car before I could make it back to the building, so I slipped the shoulder strap on my purse over my neck, repositioned my keys in my hand and quickened my pace. The crackhead and I locked eyes and when I saw he was heading toward my car, I said “You better stay right there.” He didn’t, but he wasn’t fast enough. I unlocked my car door, jumped in, closed the door and hit the auto lock a split second before he grasped the handle and tried to jerk it open. Instantly I leaned over and got ”Saint Christopher” and I yelled “I will fuck you up!” He blabbered something about wanting a cigarette as he leaned down outside my window and looked in. His eyes then fell upon my Guardian Saint and he took off running from whence he came…faster this time. I called my manager, who was still inside, and told her what happened, described the guy, and told her that she may want to get security out there. Then I drove home.

Now here’s the thing that was really weird about this whole thing. When I told my manager what happened, she first asked if she needed to “call an ambulance for the guy.” When security was informed of what happened, he was all “Thank God it was her and not one of the other ladies here.” And when I told J, he was all “Did you hurt him much?”  Not one of these people thought to comfort me after such a traumatizing ordeal. And that’s cool as shit.

92 Comments
 

92 Responses to I got some Zombie Apocalypse survival practice in. Sorta.

  1. How nice of you to evangelize the homeless and introduce them to the doctrines of guardian saints and consequences for sin!

  2. kelly says:

    well, obviously… you are a woman that can take care of herself. with or without st. christopher’s intervention. good job!

  3. Princess says:

    It’s great that they have such confidence in you but.. but…Im am totally sure that you may be ok on the outside but it had to do a job on your little red head. That shit is life changing. I dont care who u are. I am very glad you are ok. but Im sure it will take time to let this one go, if EVA!

    • Laura says:

      No, no. I went home and took a nap. Now, if he would have laid a hand on me, or if more action was necessary, then it would have affected me I reckon.

  4. Ryan Michelle says:

    Woooh! that shit is scary.If he approached you like that he could not have been straight. Oh my God! that could have been a really bad situation.. imean more bad then it already was. Glad your ok. you are ok aren’t you?

  5. Holiday says:

    Kick his Fucking ass. He needs to be in an institution somewhere, sucking up our tax dollars. Funking JERK!

  6. Tad says:

    Damn Girl… I dont care how tuff you are, thats freaky, I would have probably just waited for him to get close and then just punched his lights out. only cuz I would have FROZE.. You did the right thing. thats good training.

  7. Yabu says:

    If you recall, I posted my story about the first time I had “almost” a violent encounter with a crackhead. Came at me with a butcher knife and demanded my keys and money. I showed him the equalizer, did not point it, and said “you don’t want do this”. He ran, but I swear to the Maker, I would have shot him. My adrenaline was pumping big time. I’m damn glad I was prepared. As an afterthought, I could have hit the panic button on my car keys, my car has a LOUD alarm, but better to have my little friend. All said and and done, if he didn’t turn and run, he’d be dead, and I’d still be doing paperwork and audio tapes.

    I never took my eyes off the knife. To be honest, it scared the shit outta me. That POS was gonna cut me.

    • Laura says:

      That is fucked up. If the dude had had a knife and say my door hadn’t locked, shit would have went down and it wouldn’t have been pretty. Thank God it was just almost like a game of tag, and I won by touching homebase first. I’ve only had to show “back-up” before, never use it and let’s hope never will.

  8. I’m always alert in parking lots. Always. The closest was at Home Depot when I was approached by a guy walking quickly from out of the bushes, across the lot, while he was talking on a cell. I eyed him and then called out to me, wanting to ask me a question. I turned full toward him, looked at him hard, and said, “I can’t imagine what you would need to ask me.”

    He backed off saying he realized that I couldn’t help him. Back into the bushes. Home Depot security (non-existent) didn’t care.

    • Laura says:

      THIS cannot be stressed enough to people, especially women, to always be AWARE and never be docile or polite when approached by strangers. I know I have come off as a lunatic a few times when strangers approached me- once in an empty airport terminal and once in a mall’s parking lot. And I don’t care. I listen to my gut feeling always. No matter how paranoid I am! Ha!

    • kim says:

      A winter ago I was wearing a long white coat, which was unfortunately rather distinctive and easy to see from a distance, and walking across the parking lot into Target and a dude sitting in a van (not mini van but the big white windowless let me kidnap you and rape you kind) was staring at me and calls out to me “that sure is a beautiful coat”. It just felt off and his mode of speech was not normal so I glared at him. The game I wanted wasn’t in stock but I was creeped out enough by him I left out the other exit and walked a bit away and looped around to get to my car hoping I was imagining things or if I wasn’t that he wouldn’t notice me leave. He was still in the van and when I backed out and drove down the aisle he turned down one too and drove parallel with me. Big alarms going off at this point so I stopped at the end of the aisle and a few aisles away he did too. I tore off around the lot and pulled back around and parked again and he came around again and waited awhile at the end of the row and then finally drove away. I went to another store down the road after that and watched to make sure I wasn’t followed there or when leaving but that was the most creeped out I have ever been. I am glad you were fine and that you have such a badass rep :)

      • Laura says:

        ALWAYS listen to those alarms that go off. ALWAYS. I can’t stress that enough.

      • Yabu says:

        If you don’t have a little friend, get one and a CCL. Learn how to load it, shoot it, reload it, and clean it. Better to have one and not need it, than to need one and not have it.

        • Laura says:

          ONLY if you feel you can handle instant decisions.

          • kim says:

            ^this
            I have Way too much of a temper and would end up in prison for shooting up a bunch of traffic yahoos, not worth it. I did invest a few years in martial arts though, highly enjoyable and I can bring my body with me into any federal building ;)

          • Laura says:

            Yeah, people with that kind of temper def don’t need to carry a gun. Good thing you know it. I took Taekwondo years ago for about three years. I think I can still break a mean board without breaking my hand and use some of the moves still but would probably need some Bengay after.

  9. Jess says:

    That’s cool. Not that I’m trying to discount your encounter, but it’s cool people know not to screw with you…and you didn’t even have to fetch your dinosaurs.

  10. Mary Conyers says:

    What do you carry?

    • Laura says:

      Christoper is a .45. I also have St. Leo, he’s a .38 that likes to travel. And Tommy the Taser. I’m also licensed to carry.

      • Yabu says:

        Damn, woman!, we utilize the same inventory.

      • Bitterroot says:

        I LOVE the idea of using saints’ names, but what… No St. Michael? Okay, given that Michael is an Archangel known for dispensing some serious Justice, he would have to be a DE .50AE or S&W .500 – perhaps a little too big for concealable carry. Or maybe Michael would be a FN Herstal Police Tactical 12GA or Remington 870 Marine Magnum for the home…

        But for carry, .45 is good – very good – it’s what Mrs. Who and I both carry. (And you know someone loves you if they let you share their ammo!)

      • SB Smith says:

        Gee, I guess I should have read all the comments before posting mine about the CCL.
        *
        One time J. said to me “You look like you’re gonna Bite Somebody.”
        I said “That’s just how I look with a straight face. If it prevents some asshole in a parking lot from approaching me, I’m fine with that and I’m not changing a thing.”
        Also my keys are in my hand before I leave any building.
        We have several “Lil’ Friends”.
        ;-D

  11. The Friar's Ghost says:

    A good hard stomping kick driven right into a guy’s (or woman’s) kneecap (slightly from a side angle) while their foot is planted and their weight’s on it so they can’t pick their foot up off the ground can work all kinds of wonders.

    If they’re not high on PCP or something, a blown kneecap will hurt like a sonuvabitch and give them something to think about while you make tracks. Or work them over more. Or whatever.

    If they’re high on PCP and not feeling a damn thing, it still is useful because now, at least, they have a non-functioning leg and it will at least slow them down a bit.

    In any case, kudos to ya. Glad ya came out of there unscathed.

    As an afterthought, it might have been fun to have chased him a bit with the car. But the security cameras probably would have caught that and then you’d be fired for chasing a homeless fuck with your car, so it’s good you didn’t do something like that. Still, bet it would have been fun.

  12. Larry says:

    And you think they don’t know you.

    Anyway, I’m glad everything worked out and you didn’t have to cut a bitch…or whatever…

  13. That’s why my next car will be equipped with flamethrowers, or at least this…

    http://www.myspace.com/video/guy/magnavolt-robocop-2-commercial/2055767

  14. QueenBee says:

    I love that your manager assumed the guy needed an ambulance…. inspirational!

  15. lotta joy says:

    You actually passed up an opportunity for target practice?????

  16. Tina. Escrow Goddess says:

    Where the Hell do you work?! My office has an empty field, always mowed, normally occupied by Condo residence and their dogs. You have crack head zombies…

    OMG! did you hear about the “zombie attack” My teenager told me about this guy, not sure where he is from. He ingested bath salts, the guy, not my son, and it had the effect of meth on him and he became invincible feeling and attacked some guy and then ate like 80% of his face, some guy’s, not my son’s.

  17. Mark12A says:

    This is too serious to give one of my usual smartass comments. I only take issue with one of the comments here: If I pull my pistol on someone, I’ll be putting two into him (or her), especially if my wife is with me. Then I’m driving away to a place of safety. I won’t just be showing a pistol to him (or her) to cause a little intimidation.

    I pulled amy revolver on a guy on PCP when I was a cop and you would be fucking astounded how fast he closed the distance between us and I ended up in a fight for my revolver. And I was very well trained, a veteran police officer, and a member of the SWAT team. It was completely unbelievable to me that some dumbass would charge an armed man, and since it was so unbelievable, I hesitated almost too long.

    Be safe, and like they told me in the police academy, “Dead men tell no tales.”

    • Laura says:

      I had a locked door and a car window between us. I knew I just had to show it.

      • Tactical Tom says:

        I completely agree w/ Mark12A!
        I’m very glad you’re okay but a gun is not a deterence tool!
        From a legal standpoint, you could be charged with some serious crimes for flashing a gun at someone!
        Mark is right as well when he says that someone can close that distance quickly and as demonstrated in the Zombie story, guns do not scare people on drugs.
        If it had been me, I would have went back inside and called the local police. also, if you do call you need to stick around and give a report.
        Finally, for you commenters that said you give people “the look”, SPEAK UP! That look doesn’t mean what you think it does and the BG’s don’t give a sh*t! They only care if you draw attention to them!
        Rant Over. Thanks for listening. Or Not.

        • Laura says:

          It’s a great deterence when someone’s at your window and I doubt he’d call the police on me- though I’m perfectly legal and he was more than welcome to- but he was off like a dress on prom night. I wasn’t standing out in a street waving a gun like a loon.

          Woulda, coulda, shoulda. The car was way closer. And I think I pointed out in previous comments that you make a ruckus. I was for the most part alone in a large secluded parking lot, no ruckus would have mattered in the least, and the car was closer. I chose my quickest option of saftey/escape. It’s real easy for people not in situations to give advice. And I mean that in the nicest possible way, seriously.

  18. Bitterroot says:

    “Not one of these people thought to comfort me after such a traumatizing ordeal. And that’s cool as shit.”

    YES it is!!

  19. Jo_Jo says:

    Wow, between the Jesus Nazis and the crackheads…but I like your chances

  20. A victim you’re not. HALLELUIA!!!

  21. Jena says:

    I keep telling you, you are like the Vampire hunter by Laurell K Hamilton, you are Anita Blake! You rock!

  22. Jena says:

    You did correct her that he wouldnt need an ambulance, he would need the coroner!

  23. untbunny says:

    I couldn’t read fast enough to see what you did with the pistol! As soon as you said “crackhead” I knew handgun was not far behind.

    I’m really sorry you had this experience. In a similar situation, my family too asked how badly I had hurt the SOB who approached me. Made me feel good.

    Way to go Laura!

  24. Alison says:

    Whacked-out crackheads are not generally known for their good judgement. How fortunate you were able to gently guide that one toward the path of greater wisdom.

  25. LusherLarue says:

    You are my hero! I want to be just like you when I grow up.

  26. Jeffro says:

    I’m tickled to hear you were situationally aware, kept your head, planned your moves to keep the tactical advantage, and followed through. That is EXACTLY the sort of behavior that keeps you alive in bad situations rather than becoming a story on the six o’clock news.

    And it’s totally rawkin’ kewl that everyone knows you’re prepared!

  27. Nicole says:

    Girl, you are awesome. So glad to hear it turned out okay.

  28. Cheryl says:

    Amazing (you) and scary (situation). So glad you kept your cool – I bet you’ve already made plans just in case there’s a next time! I almost feel sorry for the bass-turd!

  29. lotta joy says:

    Laura, thank you for visiting my post on munchausen. It’s a five-parter and this was part four. I’ll soon be finished with my past. Hopefully. Gotta kill it cuz I’m tired of carrying it.

  30. How wonderful!!! I so wish I would have had your wits 14 months ago.

    Very inspiring to read of a woman being smart and capable!

    Glad nothing more serious happened…to that guy:)

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

*

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>