Everyone needs a fleet of flying monkeys to rip the stuffing out of the annoying people in their lives
— Laura
Yesterday I was driving to work at o’dark thirty in the morning, listening to some Nicki Minaj on the radio, trying to figure out what in the hell she was rapping about, when suddenly a small brown creature jump out from the grass on the ride side of the road. It was a rabbit. It stopped directly in front of me, and as I was applying the brakes, figuring it would dart away across the road, it made the fatal mistake of trying to lunge back from whence it came. I heard my right tire crunch and then throw it into my wheel-well even over the frantic highly-synthesized craptastic music. I cringed and thought “Oh hell that’s nasty” meaning the rabbit, not the song, though the song did suck. It was too dark to see what, if anything, was left on the road in my rear view mirror and then my imagination started getting away with me that maybe the rabbit was hanging on under my car, like DeNiro in Cape Fear, seeking revenge for the little hit-and-run I just pulled on his ass. But I knew that was crazy, that there was no way a tiny little bunny could have survived the trauma of being rolled over by a tire and then slung into the wheel-well. But just to be on the safe side when I got to work, I turned off my lights, slammed it into park and ran like hell into the building. I haven’t lived this long by not listening to that crazy voice in my head.
And even though I’m pretty certain that little rabbit was capable of murder, I still owe him a name and a poem of eulogy for smashing him.
Ode to Max Cady the Murderous Rabbit
A Poem of Eulogy by Laura Ledford
Where were you coming from Max Cady when you jumped into the road?
Perhaps you just got finished breaking in and robbing someone’s abode?
Whatever it was you were doing, I’m certain you were up to no good.
You appeared to be a hoodlum rabbit, probably casing my hood.
But even though you were evil, with prison tats under your fur,
I’m sorry that I hit you, but you were just a wee brown blur.
And I know I didn’t just nick you or bruise you at the most.
So please don’t kill me Max Cady the Murderous Rabbit’s ghost.
P.S. Like all road kill, I prayed this rabbit into Heaven. So if you get there and you see a pissed-off tattooed rabbit coming towards you, RUN LIKE A MOTHERFUCKER!
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54 Responses to If this shit doesn’t stop, I’m going to name my car “The Wildlife Manager.”
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This happened to me, except it wasn’t a rabbit, it was a deer. She (yes, it was a she) left a huge deer-butt-sized dent in the hood of my car which cost me $425 to get fixed. Naturally, I have a $500 deductible on my insurance.
You should hav sued her.
When you leave work tonight, make sure it is before dark and take a co-worker with you especially one you think you can outrun just in case the rabbit is still waiting and stalking you and you need someone to throw at it while you make your escape.
It’s like you read my mind.
a pissed-off tattooed rabbit? I will check the parking lot this morning. Geeezzz, you’d think you lived in the country. you see more livestock than I do and I live in **Iowa.
You see more tornadoes.
I lived in Iowa once.
.
.
.
i got better…
(srsly, I was hatched there)
Maybe you should send the Bunch o’ Bitches out for donuts or something and let them use your car…any Monty Python fan knows that rabbits can’t be trusted.
I was thinking they’d make perfect decoys. Perfect bitchy decoys.
Ooooh! Alice is gonna be really pissed off.
She’ll get over it.
They have these little wildlife whistle that you attach to your car, so while you’re driving the wind causes these whistles to of course whistle and this is supposed to cause the wild life to scurry the other direction. this works also for deer. you should probably look into these, before you wipe out the entire animal population there where you are. ask “J” he’ll know.
The last thing I need is for my car to be whistling.
Human ears can not detect the sound…..
Yeah, but what about vampires, werewolves, and zombies eh? Riddle me that.
Oooh. Maybe it repels them too?! If so, I’m definitely getting some.
bbwwahahaa!
Love that peom. you are so very creative. Im sure that little bunny was glad it was you that hit him….. and took his little life….to feed your creativity. such a great sacrifice.
Ha! I’m sure it made him very happy.
Love the “Prison Tats under the fur” I actually pictured that. I know I need more coffee.
You mean more gin.
Maybe you should start leaving when its a little lighter out. or maybe put a big spot light on top of you car. or just lay on the horn all the way to work…….or stay home.
Staying home sounds good.
If I did not read you every morning I would have a very draged out day. My mind would not be stimulated and I would be, like on a sugar overdose and falling asleep. I would also not be late to work. Love u!
Oh sure, blame me.
You are to funny. Poor Rabbit. Love the clip. you’d better watch the parking lot I hear they can be very vindictive.
That’s what I’m afraid of.
It might have been the rabbit of Caerbannog. Count your blessings.
I know, right? “But it’s just a tiny rabbit! ARRGH!”
shit. now I wonder if that beaver I hit 4 months ago is waiting for revenge.
Beavers are vindictive assholes.
Well, someone out there will be enjoying some Hausenpfeffer this evening.
I doubt anyone knows what that is here.
Rabbits iz stoopid, BUT….
Now you’ve got me worried – I’ve smacked a legion of cottontails and jackrabbits over the years. Jacks will put all kinds of jukin’ jivin’ moves on ya but not get outta the way and THUD!
I suppose karma awaits. Nice knowing you.
Oooooo they gonna jack you up one day.
” I haven’t lived this long by not listening to that crazy voice in my head.” EPIC!!
It’s true!
You can check this out on Snopes.com to see if it’s true or not:
WARNING! If you hit a rabbit on the side of the road, DO NOT get out of the car. This has been happening in urban areas as a form of entrapment by hordes of underprivileged bunnie. When you exit your car, the rabbits race out of the woods and commandeer your car, running over you as YOU innocently stand beside the road.
This is true, as it happened to my neighbor’s brother’s cousin’s friend.
Those conniving sonsabitches.
Keep your coach gun in your car…just in case.
Always.
Max Cady is the perfect name for a zombie rabbit:
“Granddaddy used to handle snakes in church, Granny drank strychnine. I guess you could say I had a leg up, genetically speaking.”
Ha! Excellent! And I can just picture that rabbit saying that true Max Cady style.
Yeah, the rabbit hanging on like De Niro’s character would be bad.
It could have been worse, though.
Imagine arriving at your destination, and the rabbit crawling out from under your car, looking at you, and hissing in a sinister voice:
“Thanks for the ride, lady.”
I would have freaked the fuck out.
Hopefully as you’re running like hell.
Freaking out while staying roughly in one spot is never a good idea.
I always found it funny how, in so many horror movies, when the monster or killer or ghost or whatever appears, the potential victim just stands there screaming.
Granted, if something fucked up jumped out and did something fucked up and freaky, sure, I’d probably let out a yell. As I’m moving as fast as my feet can book in the opposite direction.
It’s never a good idea to just stand there.
Talking rabbit that should rightfully be road kill?
Eat my dust, bunny.
Oh, I would run like Satan’s (my neighbor’s pit bull) was after me for sure. And undoubtably a little pee will come out too. Ha!
I imagine the rabbit, while seeming like an innocent adorable creature, was actually an assassin. His goal was to lure you out of your car with his adorable good looks and charming bunny hop then kickbox your butt when you opened your car door. I’m pretty sure it was sent by Stacey Kiebler, she probably feels threatened by your gorgeous hands with kick ass nail polish. Good thing you didn’t fall for it, or I’d feel so lonely in the universe without your eccentric blogging
That bitch! I’d like to get her in a head-lock and snap her neck! (Assassins can do that btw)
It’s nice to know I’d be missed.
You’re like a rodent serial killer. First Ed the Squirrel, now the rabbit. Beware of Kyle Banorg…
I really am. Maybe I should get more tattoos.
I’m sorry that happened. That always SUCKS. However, better beware of this one relative of his when you leave work ! :
Monty Python-Killer Rabbit
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pmu5sRIizdw
I know! I love that movie!
Have you seen that episode of the Simpsons when Bart goes mad and there a gremlin clinging to the side of the school bus?
YES! Like the Twilight Zone episode!