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It’s like a superpower or something. | Fetch My Flying Monkeys
Everyone needs a fleet of flying monkeys to rip the stuffing out of the annoying people in their lives
— Laura

Living in the Bible Belt of the South, I sometimes find myself accidentally caught in the middle of a lot of mind-numbing religious conversations. The conversations usually start out casually about a different topic completely and then suddenly veer into talking about church or Jesus or God. I have trained myself to just kind of nod and make an exit as quickly as possible, but sometimes I get trapped and I am forced to reply. This is when I use my talent for remembering and reciting lines from movies with total accuracy, including any accent. Take this week, a few of us were talking about fender-benders and car accidents and then one lady started talking about dying and meeting Jesus. Seriously. She went on and on about what she thinks knows Jesus looks like, which was like any you’d see on a velvet painting. Then others started joining in with their own description of what Jesus will look like when they die and make it inside the Pearly Gates, which, really, all of them gave about the same description, just some had different colored robes on. Then they all turned to me and I gave my version of the Jesus I’ll meet:

61 Comments
 

61 Responses to It’s like a superpower or something.

  1. Erinyes says:

    Holy shit, it’s Mike Honcho!

  2. Bwahahaha! I have no idea what movie that’s from but it’s hilarious.

  3. Yabu says:

    I’ll admit, I’ve been hammered drunk before, and I’ve seen the shadow of the wings. Damn near a life changing moment.

  4. Jeffro says:

    I’ve never understood how people can ignore geography and have no reading comprehension. Jesus was born and raised in the Middle East, and most certainly did not look like Western European nobility. He was more than likely swarthy, dark skinned, dark hair, and had a big hooked nose. Just like the rest of the gene pool.

    • Laura says:

      They project an image of themselves is all, either an image of an attractive caucasian or black. I’m really hoping he looks like George Clooney, but that could be bad if it’s a sin to hump Jesus- I’d be damned for all eternity.

    • DogsDontPurr says:

      I concur! It cracks me up that so many of the people who call themselves religious/Christians are freaked out about Middle Easterners. They just don’t get it. From what I have read, he might even have been a very dark black man from Ethiopia.

      Now I gotta go watch Talledega Nights! Fo sho!

      • Laura says:

        People are very sensitive about what they think Jesus looked like for sure.

        Yes, go watch it and then watch Step Brothers. I love Step Brothers.

  5. Princess says:

    Happy Friday, We are not going to be meeting anyone from “Upper Management” for a while…So we wont know what anyone looks like…. Until then? PARTY!!!!! Gin and Circus Peanuts for everyone!

  6. OtumGloatum says:

    When I was little I thought everyone in heaven had wings to keep them up there. so they could not come down and get us… Hahhahahha. um never mind.

  7. May says:

    Everyone knows Jesus looks like Brad Pitt (when his hair is long) only Jesus hair is cleaner.

  8. Over&Out says:

    When ever I ger in that situation I just start singing, “BORN TO BE WILD” and just walk away.

  9. Mom's the Best says:

    Really? wings? I dont think so. Super Hero’s dont need no froggin wings. They just float. It’s an art. It’s Jesus.

  10. Mrs. Who says:

    Want to really piss off some fundamental Christians? Tell them that Jesus was a Jew…some of them get frothy at the mouth claiming he was a Christian. (FWIW: I’m a Christian who knows Jesus was a Jew and I also believe in the Big Bang Theory and evolution…totally knocks the fundies off their nut down here in my part of the deep, deep South.)

    • Laura says:

      I do that! And man oh man do they get pissed. I also like to say “Wow, that’s not very Christian” when the self-proclaimed “saved” church goers do evil bitchy things.

  11. Jess says:

    Your post reminded me of “Big Butter Jesus” by Heywood Banks

    I won’t post a link, but it’s easy to Google.

  12. patti says:

    What do you mean “thought” they were dinosaurs….*blink*blink*?

  13. Cheryl Lundgren says:

    Oh God! I was raised Southern Baptist. This all sounds so familiar including the description of Jesus. But I’ve been a heathen Californian for most of my life and we just chant, wear robes and eat avocados. I guess I better rethink that trip to Graceland.

  14. Alison says:

    Bless their hearts. It’s amazing how the ones most loudmouthed about their “Christian” beliefs around my workplace are the first ones to get caught up in the office bitchiness. I must have read the wrong Bible.

    • Laura says:

      Maybe because they win immunity every Sunday? I don’t know.

    • Laura says:

      Maybe because they win immunity every Sunday? I don’t know.

      • Cheryl Lundgren says:

        Alison, I think those were the people who cut in front of me in the grocery line the other day who were wearing the WWJD t-shirts.

        • Alison says:

          Cheryl, I sure hoped you asked them if the first would be last…

        • SB Smith says:

          I just saw this about gossiping yesterday at a friend’s FB page. It’s a good one to say to any fundies who start gossip in the office or wherever: “Who gossips To you will gossip Of you”. Proverbs 16:28

          I’m hoping a stranger will walk up to me and ask me “Have you found Jesus ?” so I can answer “I didn’t know He was missing.” and walk away.

          FYI: A Bald Eagle has a wing span of Eight Feet. I’ll bet they could pick up small children, too.

          I like Laura’s idea that God is a dinosaur… T Rex ?

          Remember that Far Side of Colonel Sanders standing outside the Pearly Gates and he sees there’s a statue of a chicken at the top of the gate posts and he’s thinking
          ” Uh oh..”

          LOL

          • Laura says:

            Ha!!

            If course God is T-Rex. Haven’t you read my childhood story about that?

          • SB Smith says:

            I only remembered that you always loved dinosaurs and thought of God as one when you were little, but don’t know more than that.

  15. Can I get an Amen?
    Damned straight, Laura. If I’m not hammered drunk when I go to meet Jesus, something has gone terribly wrong…other than the obvious, of course.

  16. nightfly says:

    Our Lord was actually pretty clear about His appearance, but we all tend to miss it. Go to a retirement home and ask for the person who hasn’t been visited or called in three months. Find a homeless man whose clothes are more holes than fabric. Visit a hospice. That’s where the Pearly Gates are, and inside is where you see what He looks like. And He’s also pretty clear that He would like a little company now and then from those who would bear His name, whom He has made His own relatives by shedding His blood.

    God bless their imaginations and their simple, trusting hearts, anyway. Who knows, maybe they’re quite familiar with Him in those aspects as well. Only thing I know for sure is that I am hardly familiar enough.

  17. Mark12A says:

    The other great conversation starter here in the south is “Do you have a church home yet?”

    I tell everyone I’m a devout pomeranian.

  18. Bitterroot says:

    WWRJD.com – I’d keep one of the (soon to be released) coffee cups… er.. Ceramic gin tankards ready for just such occasions. Toast each speaker with The Hedgehog as you nod in feigned agreement. Then tell them they look like they need a ‘stiff one’ as you pour more gin.

  19. Otter says:

    WWJJD
    What Would Joan Jett Do?

  20. I once mentioned to my Gran-in-law that a white light haired jesus was funny. Since he lived in the middle east.

    It did NOT go over well.

  21. CGHill says:

    If ever I am fortunate enough to get into a one-on-one conversation with Jesus, I plan to ask Him about all that velvet crap. I’m betting He asks “Yeah, what was up with that, anyway?”

  22. lotta joy says:

    Since we’ve moved, I’ve been inundated with ‘helpful’ neighbors trying to force their choice of religion on me.

    The final straw came Friday. I explained that I had graduated from Theology and Seminary school, was close to being an ordained minister in my 20′s, and played a mean guitar at church – but was no longer interested.

    I had to spell it out for them: I * DO * NOT * BELIEVE * IN * GOD

    They asked “WHAT HAPPENED!?”

    I said “A moment of sanity”

    Now I’m being avoided like one of those loving, biblical plagues.

  23. Jo_Jo says:

    I’m confused. Again. How can someone possibly argue about this? Your idea of Jesus is just as “right” and verifiable as anyone’s. Maybe I need to visit the South and study this interesting phenomenon.

  24. Nicole says:

    Lawd. I try to avoid all conversations of that nature. Thankfully, though, I am a bit further north and don’t have quite the same risk of running into such a convo.

  25. Mark12A says:

    WWLD–WHAT WOULD LAURA DO?

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