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Conversations at Work: The “I Don’t Know Nuthin’ ‘Bout Birthin’ No Babies” Edition. | Fetch My Flying Monkeys
Everyone needs a fleet of flying monkeys to rip the stuffing out of the annoying people in their lives
— Laura

Co-worker: “I’m a great aunt!”

Me: “I’m a great person, but you don’t hear me bragging about it.”

Co-worker: “No, silly, my niece had a baby Sunday. And she had a home birth!”

Me: “What? At her house?

Co-worker: ”Yes, at her house.”

Me: “Eww. Just eww. Where in the hell do you have a baby so your shit doesn’t get ruined? On the kitchen floor so you can mop up after?”

Co-worker: “What?”

Me: “Seriously. Do you throw a tarp down or maybe some puppy house-training pee pads and push it out? And the afterbirth. What the hell do you do with the afterbirth? Bury it in the backyard? Burn it with the trash? The garbage disposal?”

Co-worker: “I should know better than to discuss a new baby with you. And I don’t know where in her house she had it, but she was only in labor for two hours and delivered it in a matter of minutes.”

Me: “Was this her first?”

Co-worker: “No, her third.”

Me: “Ahh, well I imagine after you had two you could pretty much just lift your leg and shoot a kid out like a potato gun.”

Co-worker: “What?”

Me: “You know, a spud gun. A spudzooka.” Lifts leg and mimes a baby shooting out while making a loud audible ‘POP’ sound.

Co-worker: –

Me: “Well anyway, ask her what she did with the afterbirth the next time you talk to her.”

79 Comments
 

79 Responses to Conversations at Work: The “I Don’t Know Nuthin’ ‘Bout Birthin’ No Babies” Edition.

  1. PolishSpring says:

    Bit off topic, but seeing how you’re in the South, and it’s summer, and possibly a road trip time to stab a bitch, here’s a good candidate: “George Tierney of Greenville South Carolina” .. Just google him.

  2. iampisspot says:

    Some people eat the afterbirth. It’s good luck, or something. Or just weird. Maybe I’m getting confused with hamsters? No, actually, hamsters eat their babies. Right? Oh, fuck knows. Well anyway, ask her what she did with the afterbirth the next time you talk to her. I want to know.

  3. Jennifer says:

    LMAO!! I would be wayyyy too sacred to have a baby at home. Also, I wouldn’t know what to do with the afterbirth either!

  4. Erinyes says:

    You want to know what they do with the afterbirth? They put it in a jar, feed it, clothe it and turn it loose on the world. Where do you think assholes like George Tierney of Greenville, South Carolina, come from?

  5. Furtermore says:

    They probably freez it and use it for somekind of Cryo-surgery or save it to use later in life for stem cell stuff. Yeah, it’s probably in their freezer.

  6. Princess says:

    OH HELL NOOZZZZ! No home birth.. no no no no no. Give me the drugs. The kids are gonna take them when they grow up anyway…..GIVE ME THE DRUGS!!!!!

  7. Holiday says:

    WOOOOW! What a brave gal.I didn’t think they did that anymore. I didn’t think they still had midwives. I didn’t think it was legal.WOOOOOW!

  8. kelly says:

    Did she plan to birth at home? Or did it just happen that way?

    I don’t know about the spud gun action… I don’t recall a POP!… but my #3 almost made his appearance in a white windowless van on Hogback Road. Shit happened fast!

    Glad that placenta eating thing wasn’t a trend while I was breeding… not that I’ve ever been trendy.

    • Laura says:

      “a white windowless van on Hogback Road” Were you being kidnapped at the time?

      So my whole tater gun theory is incorrect? More like shooting out a water slide maybe?

      • kelly says:

        with just a little less speed ;)

        • Laura says:

          Ha! That’s good, you don’t want ‘em splatting up against a wall or something and getting a misshapen head and shit.

          • Cheryl Lundgren says:

            My husband’s grandmother had 11 – all at home. He had one retarded uncle. Grandma thought she might have sat on his head a little when she was squatting at home to deliver him by herself. Damn!

          • Laura says:

            He probably was shot out of there so fast he hit his head on the opposite wall. She had a spudzooka. Definitely a spudzooka.

  9. Holiday says:

    There are so many bad bad germs in the Hospitals these days. If you can avoid it, why not. It’s probab;ly a lot safer. You can get really sick going into the hospital these days. I dont even like to visit that place.

  10. Ethan says:

    Ewwwwwww! Just OMG!

  11. kelly says:

    confession: I have used placenta in my hair. Not fresh, though. In a store bought product.

  12. Michelle Belle says:

    Im sure they use rubber sheets and all, I actuallly think that it’s really cool. better than going into the hospital if your brave enough. It’s about $250 for a midwife and THOUSANDS for a hospital so it sure is a lot cheaper.

  13. Jess says:

    “Spudzooka” got me. I’ll be cackling like an idiot all day.

  14. patti says:

    OMG! you don’t know how much I needed that laugh this morning. Thanks gurl :)

  15. Jena says:

    You are a Goddess of comedy!

    p.s. I also threw up in my mouth a little

  16. Julia says:

    I witnessed a home birth once. It was terrifying – and the mother wound up going to the hospital anyway, fully dilated with the baby’s head crowning between her legs. I swear if I had not already had a child of my own (properly born in a hospital with lots of meds) I would still be childless after that experience. It’s amazing the human race survives at all. EEEEEWWWWW!

  17. Yabu says:

    I can’t touch this one, sorry.

  18. Melaka says:

    I had a friend give birth at home. They do it in those small plastic swimming pools or a tub. She paid $2,500 for the whole process. Don’t know anything about what they did with the placenta, but I loved, loved, LOVED the spudzooka comparison.

    I second it…you are the Goddess of Comedy!

    • Laura says:

      Aww why thank you!

      A throw-away pool makes sense. It’d not only catch all the goo that comes flying out, but someone can hose you off after.

  19. Tumbleweed says:

    I might actually have kids, if I could shoot the baby out like a potato gun.

  20. Cheryl Lundgren says:

    LOL. Snort. Snort. I would love working with you. Never the same old morning chit chat by the water cooler.

  21. Elphaba says:

    As someone who has had a home birth, allow me enlighten you re: disposal of the afterbirth (not as gross as it sounds). Although I have heard of crazy wimmins that saute and eat the placenta (ew!), I am personally not one of them. We simply planted it under a new tree, which loved the nutrients and grew much faster than the baby.

    Also, a bit of trivia: there is a market for powdered placenta. They put it in face cream and shit. FACT.

  22. Mark12A says:

    When I was a cop I helped deliver two carpet crawlers. Fucking nasty. One woman’s water broke and sprayed my shirt. That’s why I didn’t want to be a doctor…I don’t like sick people.

  23. SB Smith says:

    I assume you still don’t want people showing you “Jello Shots”….those pictures of the baby before he/she’s been cleaned up and they have all the cheesy film on them and well, Laura, your descriptive term “Jello” for that other stuff on them was PERFECT !
    *
    I thought maybe that woman had her baby in the tub…but then when it shot out, it’d end up brain damaged after hitting the side of the tub with its head !

    • Laura says:

      You remember that!

      I’m thinking the safest place would be a disposable kiddie pool or in a pillow case whilst laying on one of those fancy plastic picnic table cloths. The pillow case will catch the kid as it’s launched from the spudzooka.

  24. Larry says:

    And yet another day where everyone around me is convinced I am a moron as I cackle helplessly at the computer screen…thanks for that…
    spudzooka…

  25. patti says:

    ok – I’ve read it three times today and I still laugh out loud at “spudzooka”

  26. Nicole says:

    These questions need answers, I agree.

  27. Micki says:

    You are soooo wrong! I love it! After today, I really needed the laugh, and ‘spudzooka’ did it for me, too!

    My daughter just had her first, at the hospital. No home birth for this family!!

    • Laura says:

      Tell her not to become a spudzooka.

      I seriously would be scared shitless to have a baby at home. Hell, I don’t even like to change a Band-Aid at home.

  28. I got to see my youngest sister born at home. They put the afterbirth into a sack and we NEVER SAW IT AGAIN!

    I can’t recall if we had liver & onions for dinner later, though.

  29. Holly says:

    You just made me snort biscuit! I didn’t even know that was possible to do. Also on my list of things to never do a) a home birth and b) a water birth.

  30. Jenny says:

    You are freakin’ hilarious! That’s all I have to say……..Where do you come up with this stuff? LOL :) :)

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