Everyone needs a fleet of flying monkeys to rip the stuffing out of the annoying people in their lives
— Laura

Last Friday was my birthday and after partying all weekend, I woke up all bloated and cranky Sunday morning from all the celebratory gin and Circus Peanuts and decided I needed to run some of the toxins out of my system before all my organs began shutting down. I was going along at a pretty good pace when I heard my iPhone ringing and then pinging into voicemail. Like an idiot, I took the phone out of my pocket and looked down for a brief second to see who had called. That’s when all Hell broke loose. I rendered y’all a rendering of that moment:

My foot hit the outside of the road and my body was instantly thrown forward. It all happened in slow-motion and I remember watching my iPhone flying out of my hand and thinking “Oh shit I’m going to need a new phone.” Then I saw the asphalt rushing toward me and I thought “Oh shit, I’m going to need a good orthopedist.” I hit the road full force with a knee, an elbow, and one hand, then I fell to the side. I lay there for a second and was all “GODDAMN THAT HURT!” holding back stinging tears of pain and looked over at my phone which appeared to be in pieces a few feet away. I crawled, dragging my bad leg to my phone and picked it up to assess the damage. That’s when I heard someone say “Are you okay?” I looked over and saw an older man in a truck who had stopped. Fuck. Witnesses. “I’m okay, thanks. Just tripped. I’m fine.” I said and sat up and started inspecting my phone, which had miraculously survived by the way- just the case shattered, and I prayed the guy would just leave so I could pick road grit out of my hand and let my sissy tears stream without further embarrassment. But the man didn’t leave, instead he said “Can I do anything for you?” I thought for a second and looked over at him and said “You can forget you ever saw this, okay? Never speak of it to anyone, okay?” He laughed and said he could do that.

It wasn’t until I limped home and started washing my wounds that I saw the worst of the damage, and I’m sorry I have to be the one to tell y’all this, but I BROKE A NAIL POLISHED NAIL ON ONE OF MY HAND MODEL HANDS so it may be a while before I post any more shitty camera pics of my hand model hands. I know. The horror. But I did file for disability, so there’s that at least.


71 Responses to If I had been texting I probably would be dead right now and typing this from my throne in Hades. I hope they have Wi-Fi there.

  1. iampisspot says:

    Now, if the older man in the truck was George Clooney, the trip and subsequent nail breakage would have been *totally* worth it.

    Shame it wasn’t, really.

    Bah, you live to see another day.

    Without George by your side.

  2. Jennifer says:

    OH NO NOT A NAIL!! lol

    I’m glad you and your phone survived!

  3. Heather says:

    You have to prove that breaking your nail stopped your ability to earn a living to get disability and your beautiful hands haven’t been discovered yet!

  4. BooBooMaGoo says:

    What a pretty street…

  5. Tink says:

    Good Lawd girl, I always knew you were a phone whore, but a klutz? Who knew

  6. Princess says:

    WOW! what a discription of a fall. Im so glad you’re ok. well sorta ok. That could have been a whole lot worse.

  7. Tad says:

    It must have looked really bad if that guy actually stopped to make sure you were ok.glad your alright.

  8. Holiday says:

    Sooooo, who was on the phone? anyone important?

  9. One Crazed Chick says:

    Man, it’ll be weeks before you can model that polish again. In the meantime,continue celebrating and have another gin. I’m sure it will make the embarrassment of witnesses seem less painful

  10. May says:

    I love the renduring, and glad your OK, and that your phone survived. Very Important that the phone is ok.

  11. Ethan says:

    “Oh shit I’m going to need a new phone.” I know that’s what I would have been thinkin at the time…

  12. Bri Bee says:

    OMG, that description was intense. I was fallling right there with ya. Good thing you didn’t hit your head. Maybe you should wear a helmet while you’re jogging. and maybe some knee pads and they have elbo pads to. Maybe you should jog in a baseball catchers outfit. That would work. You are gonna wear a helmet when you ride your bike looking for Hobo’s aren’t you?

  13. Suzanne says:

    Laura, I am a professional at filling out forms that get money in court. Let me know. It sounds like uneven pavement conditions to me…just saying.

  14. MorningGlory says:

    I hate it when I fall. When I know I’m falling, and it’s all happening in slo-mo and shit, and I’m completely powerless to do anything to stop it. Mostly, I hate feeling completely powerless. It sucks.

    Glad the damage was superficial. Well, except for the broken nail. That’s major.

  15. Sue Dunham says:

    You could, yuh know, just leave the phone at home. They’ll leave a message, or call back.

  16. Alison says:

    I hoped you rinsed everything well in alcohol–inside and out–to prevent hand rabies from all that grit.

  17. Janie Jones says:

    OMG!!!! You weren’t wearing No More Whores for George colored nail polish on the nail you broke, were you? ‘Cause that would just be adding insult to injury.

  18. Nooooo! Not your nail model hands! No amount of disability money could make up for a lost hand/nail model career, but at least it will buy more gin and circus peanuts.

  19. Glen says:

    Hey, if Walmart greeters get a tax break on their uniforms then it sounds like you have a pretty good case for paying no taxes next year. Woo Hoo !!! Accidents rock !!

  20. Cheryl Lundgren says:

    The wi-fi in Hades is probably like the wi-fi in Vegas. Not only do you have to pay $15 daily for it, you’re lucky if you get one intermittent bar. They don’t really provide wi-fi, they just taunt you with the possibility of it.

    I’m going to be in mourning now for your loss and will be drinking vodka in the form of cosmopolitans to ease my pain.

  21. Jena says:

    LOL. I cannot look at my phone and walk!

    Happy belated birthday!

  22. LusherLaRue says:

    Sounds like you have a legal case for intentional infliction of emotional, physical and nail distress against whoever was demented enough to call your cell phone whilst you were jogging, thereby causing your terrible fall and resulting disability. This is easily a $1 million claim. (Gin and circus peanuts for everyone!)

  23. Mark12A says:

    You’re lucky someone stopped. When I turned my ankle running on base, I ended up almost crawling back to the gym. The local mall cops in the base police Car just drove on by.

    I didn’t get any sympathy either…just a, “How’d you do that to your dumb ass?”

    Some people really suck.

  24. rick says:

    Disability shall be yours. I have deemed it. I am especially sorry for the injuries to your hand model hands. They had given me great pleasure……….err I enjoyed looking at your hands, errrrrr, can I delete this message?

    HBD Laura!

  25. It’s burning up!
    It’s burning up!
    Throw the suitcase out the window!
    Save the weasels!

    Oh,wait……..wrong blog. Never mind.

  26. Nicole says:

    Noooooo!! Oh, the humanity. At least the phone and your knees were okay.

  27. SB Smith says:

    Coulda been much worse !
    You coulda fallen in front of moving traffic ! Breaking a nail SUCKS, but glad your phone is alright.
    You could file your other nails down as short as the broken one and model nail polish on really short nails !

  28. Jeffro says:

    Happy Belated Birthday! Maybe you can get Warren Buffet or T. Boone Pickens to adopt you. You could go on and become accustomed to the lifestyle you so clearly deserve.

  29. lotta joy says:

    I saw the fall. The man who stopped ALSO had a phone and you are all over Youtube. In slow motion you can watch your fingernail flying.

  30. Fluffy says:

    You damaged a nail, so you “filed” for disability! Ha! Nailed it!!! :)

  31. Larry says:

    At least the phone was OK.

  32. Jo says:

    PTSD and permanent disability….at least you won’t have to work for a living anymore. You can do it just for fun. Imagine the wreckage you can leave behind now! (And how is the mailroom sheriff doing?)

  33. Cindy says:

    Laura, Just found your blog and my hubby may not have any dinner tonight! I am also one of those people who doesn’t do the half-ass fall thing either! Last Dec. a friend had a kidney transplant and another friend was the donor. I cooked dinner for both families and forgot the pies! DAMN! Went out to car and fell tearing the palm of my hand jaggedly! (Is that a word?) I yelled, “SHIT” and calmly wrapped my hand in a towel and drove back home to get the pies! When I got back, my hubby (EMT) and both of the patients (also EMTS) and they are all firefighters so they were all like “DAMN that looks bad…she’s gonna need a lot of stitches…DAMN there’s a lot of dirt in there…DAMN that’s gonna hurt”. ER visit followed along with stitches and yes DAMN it did hurt. I wish we were neighbors because I’m insanely worried about my A/C here in mid-TN!

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