Last Friday was my birthday and after partying all weekend, I woke up all bloated and cranky Sunday morning from all the celebratory gin and Circus Peanuts and decided I needed to run some of the toxins out of my system before all my organs began shutting down. I was going along at a pretty good pace when I heard my iPhone ringing and then pinging into voicemail. Like an idiot, I took the phone out of my pocket and looked down for a brief second to see who had called. That’s when all Hell broke loose. I rendered y’all a rendering of that moment:
My foot hit the outside of the road and my body was instantly thrown forward. It all happened in slow-motion and I remember watching my iPhone flying out of my hand and thinking “Oh shit I’m going to need a new phone.” Then I saw the asphalt rushing toward me and I thought “Oh shit, I’m going to need a good orthopedist.” I hit the road full force with a knee, an elbow, and one hand, then I fell to the side. I lay there for a second and was all “GODDAMN THAT HURT!” holding back stinging tears of pain and looked over at my phone which appeared to be in pieces a few feet away. I crawled, dragging my bad leg to my phone and picked it up to assess the damage. That’s when I heard someone say “Are you okay?” I looked over and saw an older man in a truck who had stopped. Fuck. Witnesses. “I’m okay, thanks. Just tripped. I’m fine.” I said and sat up and started inspecting my phone, which had miraculously survived by the way- just the case shattered, and I prayed the guy would just leave so I could pick road grit out of my hand and let my sissy tears stream without further embarrassment. But the man didn’t leave, instead he said “Can I do anything for you?” I thought for a second and looked over at him and said “You can forget you ever saw this, okay? Never speak of it to anyone, okay?” He laughed and said he could do that.
It wasn’t until I limped home and started washing my wounds that I saw the worst of the damage, and I’m sorry I have to be the one to tell y’all this, but I BROKE A NAIL POLISHED NAIL ON ONE OF MY HAND MODEL HANDS so it may be a while before I post any more shitty camera pics of my hand model hands. I know. The horror. But I did file for disability, so there’s that at least.71 Comments