Everyone needs a fleet of flying monkeys to rip the stuffing out of the annoying people in their lives
— Laura

I’m pretty sure I have PVD or bone cancer. My leg hurts and I don’t know why. All I know is I’m pretty certain my days are numbered and I don’t want to be working up to the minute the cold hand of death chokes me out, so I started seriously working toward an early retirement. And since my hand modeling career hasn’t taken off like I had hoped, I created a Voodoo Lotto Altar. I bought tickets in this week’s lottery and by Thursday I should be on Easy Street. Or in the ICU.

Sunday was George Clooney’s birthday and I missed it! I usually do a birthday poem for him, but I have to go eat a two piece snack box from KFC sacrifice a chicken for my Voodoo Lotto Altar, so here’s a birthday haiku I wrote for him instead:

A year older, Boo.
And we’re still not together.
Fuck this bullshit, yo.

Haiku is hard, y’all.

46 Comments
 

46 Responses to Goober’s dead and I don’t feel too good either.

  1. Hailey says:

    Haiku is very hard.. really

  2. Sunshine Girl says:

    I cant believe you missed Boo’s B-day. you must have really been feelin really really bad. But Im glad your back. he’ll get over it.

  3. Tink says:

    WHAT? MISSED WHAT? OMG there is a snowball in hell.

  4. Princess says:

    yeah, it’s pretty sad that Goober died.. but he was 80 bazillion years old. Still….a sad day.

  5. Holiday says:

    I will be waiting to see the Lotto results posted here. I wish you Luck, Luck, Luck. and if you win can you please throw me a bone or two…..

  6. Tad says:

    Love the altar…it sure looks like it will work. except there are no pins in the VooDoo Doll. whats up with that?

  7. Cheryl Lundgren says:

    So I’m taking the fact that I haven’t seen an “I’m going to Hollywood Post” that you didn’t win the George Clooney/Barack Obama freebie. Probably why your leg hurts. Whenever my mother didn’t want to do something when we were kids, she told us she couldn’t because she had a bone in her leg. This ploy still works on my brothers because they aren’t very smart.

    When you sacrifice the chicken, remember it’s supposed to be the whole chicken not just the bones and crumbs from the biscuit. Good luck with the Lotto.

    • Laura says:

      No, I didn’t win! And that pisses me off! It probably is the cause of my PVD! I should sue the President!
      So what you’re telling me is biscuit crumbs aren’t good voodoo? Shit.

  8. Jena says:

    Is that a baby goat?

  9. Jena says:

    J needs to loan you his black card, they help put ANYTHING into remission! FACT!!!

  10. Mark12A says:

    I don’t know what PVD is, but I expect that any disease with “VD” in the name can’t be fun.

  11. SB Smith says:

    It really SUCKS big time when life’s SHIT gets in the way of other things that for you, personally, are just AS important if not MORE so.
    Ohh, can I relate.
    I still celebrate when I realized Russell Crowe had become hard wired in my brain, and it pisses me off when mortals and their minutia interfere.
    (BTW & FYI: my original Russell date is June 9th, 2000….RC’s B*Day : April 7, 1964.)
    Yeah, I know you were just dyin to know that trivia..
    :-D

    Hope your leg’s not terminal !

  12. Jeffro says:

    If your Voodoo Lotto Altar fails in it’s mission, you might consider adding a Domo to it. You just never know.

  13. Liz says:

    I also don’t know what PVD is. Since I’m too lazy to Google that shit I’ll just say stop gettin’ all scientific (or medical?) on us here. Use terms we understand like rabies and cholera. You’ll make us all feel better (OK, maybe just me!). Fact.

  14. Yabu says:

    I hope the T-Rex gets lucky…that’d be some major folding money. You never know.

  15. Jennifer says:

    I’m baaaack!!

    Good luck on the Lottery Voodoo! lol

  16. Fluffy says:

    I like Goobers. Milk chocolate covered peanuts make a nice snack at the movie theater. : )

  17. zonker says:

    Well, when your leg inevitably withers and falls off, you can just whittle a new one from an enormous circus peanut. So there’s that.

    FYI…I’ve no idea who the hell Goober is but Maurice Sendak died today. That just sucks.

    • Laura says:

      A Circus Peanut leg is genius. You should get a patent.

      Don’t you watch Nick At Night? Goober lived in Mayberry and worked at the gas station.

  18. kim says:

    i’m sorry chiquita i thought i knew all your pets and fantasy men… but sadly i have to ask, who is goober?

  19. Elphaba says:

    It ain’t Basho, but it certainly gets the point across! ;)

  20. Fluffy says:

    Gomer pumps gass, Goober knows cars.

  21. ManhattanMaven says:

    LOL…LOVE the new banner although i will miss seeing the beauteous Thelma’s superbly dismissive face gazing down at me!!

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