Everyone needs a fleet of flying monkeys to rip the stuffing out of the annoying people in their lives
— Laura

If I ever get any time when I’m not either working or trying to kill myself by falling off of ladders, I might start blogging again. I’m fine, but my back hurts like hell. I’m not sure, but I think a kidney exploded on impact, and maybe even my spleen. Fuck, I don’t know, all I know is it hurts. And no, I wasn’t drunk. Then. Later, I self-medicated with some left over pain pills from 2002 I found in the linen closet and I washed them down with some vodka I found in the back of the freezer. Apparently, I have drugs and booze stashed all over my house. Maybe I should spring clean sometime, but then again, if I found everything all at once I’d probably OD. So laziness is saving my life, y’all. Besides, it’s like going on an Easter egg hunt every time I have a headache or cramp. I really should become a test subject for research into the effects of old medicine and booze on the human body. Maybe I’ll look into that later, but right now I’m going to go party like it’s 1999. Seriously. I just found some muscle relaxers dated then.

Until I regain consciousness, here’s a picture of a goat:


41 Responses to J has 10 more shopping days until my birthday.

  1. Jennifer says:

    LOL! I hope your back is feeling better!

  2. Heather says:

    What a cute goat!

    I hope you regain consciousness soon! lol

  3. Jeffro says:

    Sex, booze, drugs and rock ‘n roll. You’re missing a couple!!!

  4. One Crazed Chick says:

    Oh, does this mean goat month is finally back??

  5. Hoody Hoo says:

    There is absolutely nothing wrong with mixing booze and old tranquiliz…..zzzzzz…zzzz…YAH! SPIDERS!

  6. Mark12A says:

    Whenever you decide to get up on a ladder again can you set up a video camera to capture it? I’ll split the America’s Funniest Video cash prize with you fifty-fifty. If you OD, I’ll buy gin and circus peanuts in your memory. Maybe put up a sign on a telephone pole.

  7. I was tired and in a lot of pain the other day and found Tylenol 3 in the back of the medicine cabinet and yelled, “IT’S CHRISTMAS!!!”

    No telling the AMAZING day J has planned for you, so get to feeling better STAT!!!

  8. Alison says:

    J just needs to replenish your various stashes around the house, and add circus peanuts to the mix. Then he can set you loose and see how long it takes your instincts to hone in on the booty.

    He should wrap photos of Boo and baby goats around the bottles, too. You’re welcome.

  9. Yabu says:

    I found a hundred bill in the dryer the other day.Spent it all on Gin and Juice.

  10. LusherLaRue says:

    Goats never fall off of ladders. So let this be a life lesson – never climb anything a goat cannot climb. Nuff said.

  11. SB Smith says:

    Hope your back feels better soon !
    “Meditate in the company of baby pygmy goats and call me in the morning.”

    Until then:
    “One of the advantages of being disorderly is that one is constantly making exciting discoveries”
    A.A. Milne

    “Organized people are just too lazy to look for things.”..unknown author, but I know where you can buy a t-shirt with that on it.

  12. Fluffy says:

    I don’t need muscle relaxers. My muscles are always relaxed, which may explain my morbid obesity…

  13. Jess says:

    My stash of pain killers is gone. That makes me sad because they’re one of the best things to take with Scotch.

  14. Note to self: old pills and old booze taken together cause you to see goats!

  15. Cheryl Lundgren says:

    Was my husband’s birthday last week. Bought him the 18-year old Jameson. Couldn’t find the $200 per bottle stuff. And we use it to wash down the Xanax.

    Bappy Hirthday!

  16. untbunny says:

    Damn Laura! I swear ladders are the devil’s work. Hate them with a passion!

    My birthday is the 12th. Sadly, for years I have hinted, threatened, and pleaded for a great birthday. Nobody can live up to my expectations of birthday goodness. So far no exotic trip to fiji, intimate concert with Van Halen or Aerosmith, or candy apple 1976 Jeep CJ-7 sitting in the drive. It sucks to be me.

    • Laura says:

      Damn that does suck…of course, mine never live up to my expectations either. No Clooney, no baby goat. Now I’m depressed. I need to go look for a pill to take. Ha!

  17. Princess says:

    HEY! Im baaaack. anyway when ever I meet a new guy and he askes me out and I say “sure” naturally “when?” and he says “how bout Saturday nite?” and I say “Oh great. thats my birthday” so they always get me a present. I do that so if it doesnt work out I always get a present. It’s not really my birthday though… I’m Lying right off the bat.. hahhahhah

  18. Lacey says:

    I vote for another Goat Awareness Month!

  19. diane says:

    vodka and pain pills……my favorite!

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