Everyone needs a fleet of flying monkeys to rip the stuffing out of the annoying people in their lives
— Laura
After work on Tuesday one of my friends and I went to the South Carolina State Museum to see the Body Worlds Vital exhibit before it left town. That’s the one with actual dead human bodies that have been “plasticized” and filleted out all artsy like. I have one word to describe it- TESTICLES. There were testicles everywhere you looked. Seriously. Everywhere. I don’t care if you were looking in a display case of the circulatory system, there were a set of nuts thrown in there. But I’m getting ahead of myself. The best part of the trip was when my friend and I went to purchase our tickets when we first arrived. As I handed the teller my debit card she looked at my nails and said “Ooh I love your nail polish!” I said “Thank you” and turned and smirked at my friend who had earlier rolled her eyes at my choice of nail color. Immediately, I started exaggerating every movement with my hands like I was one of those models showing the audience the car behind curtain # 2 on The New Price Is Right. She handed me a pen to sign my receipt and I was all ‘oo la la’ with my hands, being as annoying as I possibly could signing it and handing it back to her. I then started pointing the way to the exhibit.
As soon as we reached the exhibit there was already a small group of people in front of us with one guy in hospital scrubs. The guy in the scrubs was all Captain Know It All and was loudly pointing out and reading all the labels like he knew what the fuck he was reading and one of the teenagers in the group was all “Wow, how do you know this?” And he said “I watched the video.” and my friend and I looked at each other and busted out laughing. I knew I knew more anatomy than this bozo so I started pointing things out with my hand model hands and loudly announcing things like I was a tour guide. Things like ”There’s a nut sack in here.” and “There’s his schlong.” ”Look! Here are some more balls!” “More nads in here too, next to that vajayjay!“ and my friend’s favorite ”There’s his butt hole!” You know, being all scientifical and shit with my hand model presentation hands. Captain Know It All got all pissy and led his group as far away from us as possible BUT a bunch of elderly ladies joined us and were delighted to play the “Find the Testes In The Display Game” we invented. Then after looking at more balls than Wimbledon, we departed right before security arrived.
Now this is where I would insert a bunch of pictures of dead guy’s testicles I took there, but they did not allow photography, and I’m not going to google “dead guy’s testicles” to post random dead guy’s nutsack pictures from the Internet. I did, however, get a shitty camera phone picture of my nails.
And NO. I'm not photoshopping any dead guy's balls in my hand. I want a job as a hand model NOT a career doing hand jobs.
P.S. Nail polish is “Aquadelic” by China Glaze.
P.P.S. MiO Energy Liquid Water Enhancer is really good stuff. They should hire me as a hand model.
P.P.P.S. Neither China Glaze nor MiO Energy Liquid Water Enhancer paid me to write about them. Neither did any dead guy’s balls.
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70 Responses to I think I’ve been banned from the South Carolina State Museum.
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Oh. My. Fucking. God. I almost peed my pants reading this! Freaking hilarious! I’ll probably see dead testicles in my dreams tonight, lol.
Hopefully not in one of those “they’re-coming-straight-at-me” 3-D dreams.
LMAO! OH MY GOD I wish I could have went with y’all!! I bet you two had so much fun!
It was fun, in a weird “testicles everywhere” sorta way.
LOL! You can never have too many balls in a display!
LOVE LOVE LOVE the nails!!
Thank you, and you must work for the museum. Ha!
Laura, You have got to be one of the funniest people on the web.
Well, thank you. You’re my new PR person.
Then you would most likely be disappointed visiting the Capuchian Monk Museum in Rome. No nut sacks to be found. Only a bunch of monk bones arranged in a lovely display like those plastic six-pack holders stapled together in a flower arrangement back in the early 70′s.
I feel like I was jipped after reading about your nad experience.
We really wanted to see organs in formaldehyde, or tumors with hair and teeth in them, or conjoined twins in pickle jars. J said “Laura, that’s called a ‘Freak Show’in a carnival- not an ‘educational exhibit’ in a museum.” There are no “Freak Shows” listed with the Department of Tourism here. Dammit.
This is full of WIN and dead guy’s balls. LOLOLOLOL!
Lots and lots of balls.
I see that Bodyworlds has an online store. I looked around to see if there were any testicles for sale. I wanted to get you a paper-weight.
No such luck.
Or earrings! Ha!
FWIW – that’s a great color of nail polish – I love it !
Thanks! I do too. Sometimes I just sit and stare at it as I do ballet moves- with my hands only, of course.
Dead Guys’ Testicles, Inc. has a notoriously low advertising budget.
Ha! Seriously- they were EVERYWHERE. They need to charge membership fees, then they’d have the funds for advertising.
Nail polish and dead guy testicles in one post? I think that can be described as genius.
They need to hire you, or at least let you go on vacation to Hawaii, like that bureaucrat did for the ribbon cutting ceremony.
YES! I would gladly cut some balls to vacation in Hawaii.
Looking at the pic, you should have been paid. At least by the China Glaze peeps.
And also by the museum. You were a much better tour guide.
YES! I should apply.
Just plain disturbing. I just sent you a picture of my testicles and one of a dead-guy to see if you can tell the difference. They are just pictures so you won’t be able to poke them with a stick to determine…you are going to have to be all Sherlock-Holmsie and shit. And tasing your monitor doesn’t work either…I don’t want you to hurt yourself in the name of science.
Now THAT’S disturbing. You would use any excuse to send pictures of your balls. And I’m pretty certain that even doctors would agree- there is no difference between a dead guy’s balls and yours, except that the dead guy’s balls probably see more action.
Bazinga.
HA!
Look in the rear-view mirror…that is the High Road that you just missed. I am trying to help you out in the name of science and this is what I get. Now while I might be tempted to make a “mothy va-gine” comment…I will refrain…because with nails like that, I am sure you’re getting plenty of action.
I suck balls and I like it!!
I really do see a lot of action. Some of it involving myself. Oh, and you do know I have the power and authority to modify your comments don’t you?
Bazinga again.
In my best Charlie Sheen voice “WINNING!”.
Ha! I read that in his voice in my head for sure.
This is like a game of chess where someone pulls an En passant. While it is technically fair…it leaves a bad taste in your mouth (like sucking balls!…but I am SURE I wouldn’t know…not that there is anything wrong with that).
HAHAHAHAHAHA!
I really don’t have anything to say about balls, except that I have a pair. Your nails are cool, though. Do they come with batteries? Seriously, I like ‘em.
Thank you. I think they’re cool too.
I’m fighting the urge to Google ‘dead guy’s balls’.
FIGHT IT, GIRL! You don’t wanna know!
Turns out you get a clip from ‘Good Morning Vietnam’.
Yes, I am weak and shallow.
What? “Me love you long time?” kinda video?
We saw the Bodies exhibit in Vegas. I remember being fascinated by the butt hole too and the fact that all the bodies seemed to be Asian. I was thinking, “Damn! Everything really does come from China.”
Those nails and your spicy review are exactly what Vegas was missing.
YES! It’s like my nails should be in Vegas! On stage with Wayne Newton!
The butt hole was unbelievable! Seriously- sliced up like that who would have thought it was so huge! I read when the dude first presented them everyone was like “Hey! Those are probably Chinese political prisoners!” and he was all “Ooops and ran and paid the Chinese more money to come up with consent forms from the dearly departed. True story.
Things like ”There’s a nut sack in here.” and “There’s his schlong.”
I was drinking coffee and ALMOST lost it!
NEVER waste coffee!!
You have a pretty hand and nails! FACT!
I was born with hands that would look at home on the geriatric! FACT! I used to get ridiculed all the time by little assholes growing up!
Aww well thank you. One of my friends use to tell me I had alien hands because my fingers are long. I called her Vienna Sausage Hands just to get even.
I have Vienna Sausage hands, too. They look like little kid’s hand, but with wrinkles. I. Would. Not. Be. A. Good. Hand. Model.
UNLESS you’re modeling Vienna Sausages. Ha! And I bet they aren’t bad at all.
Only two?
For once, I guess I left you speechless with that one.
Damn, Laura. If you can’t get the coveted “dead guy’s nut sack” endorsement, you’ve really got to…wait for it…Bone Up on your voodoo.
Thanks, I’m here all week.
Try the veal, and don’t forget to tip your waitress.
HAHAHAH! (I don’t eat veal.)
I wish someone start paying for my nail polish at least. Ha!
Try this link:
http://www8.georgetown.edu/departments/familymedicine/imh/unit2/unit2sec1d.htm
Couldn’t find a closer photo of plastinated balls and schlong. That Body World exhibit was in Houston but I missed it. They have horses and stuff, too.
How can they ban you when you made education so fun !
HAHA! Yeah! How dare they ban me!
They didn’t have any of the animals here. I’m pretty certain they sent all the testicles down here and the larger cities got the other stuff.
Those images of plastinated bodies are wrong, horribly wrong, on so many levels. I may have nightmares tonight. Thanks for sharing.
“Forced vacuum impregnation”? Not even when I’m dead!!!! Who thought of doing this to a dead body???
Sick shit right there.
Forced vacuum impregnation? That sounds like it sucks.
Ha!
Whoa…I just found a picture of a display of plastinated male and female bodies “having sex”. Well, of course they aren’t moving, but she’s over him and “connected”….can’t really see Those details though. Also the website itself includes very weird news from the past. Scroll down for that photo.
http://www.devilspenny.com/2010/10/current-gunther-von-hagens-aka-dr-death-sells-plastinated-human-body-parts-online/
Dead people porn!
Maybe that’s how they make Barbies.
Barbies ?….No, I think that’s how they made the “Chucky” and “Bride of Chucky” dolls.
“Forced Vacuum Impregnation”? (from Sophia)
Ewwww, now I have to go look that up !…and I forgot to say I Love your nail color !
Ha! Somethings are better left un-googled.
Your post brought back fond memories of my mother and I being banned from a local craft store! My mother was recovering from knee replacement surgery and wanted -nay- demanded to shop for crafts. She was particularly chipper that day due to the narcotics she was taking for pain. While in the store, she complained about my wheelchair pushing ability, my steering finess, and how I would place her in the middle of the aisle to back up and look at something. The longer we were in the store, the louder she became. We had been in the store maybe an hour when I wedged her into a corner of the store and yelled “You don’t pay me enough to put up with your crap! Stay right here and don’t you move a muscle.” I walked to the next aisle and waited for the show. It was amazing! Every store employee -and I mean EVERY- ran to my mother’s side. The manager wanted to call the police, a clerk wheeled my mom to the front of the store, and a customer ran out the front door to see if I had pulled away in the car. Meanwhile, I am in the back of the store nearly peeing on myself laughing! For a few minutes Mom played along crying how terrible I was to treat her with such disrespect. That she was on SSI and couldn’t afford proper caregivers and had located me on Craigslist. When she realized the women were becoming agitated and more serious in their demands to call the police, she called me to the front. I emerged laughing my ass off and she immediately burst into hysterical laughter.
The once caring women slowly morphed into an angry mob screaming how insensitive we were to cause them stress. How dare we make fun of the disabled and demanded my mother rise from the wheelchair. One clerk began yanking the wheelchair from behind demanding to know what “poor soul” we had stoled it from. Luckily my mother’s name was on the underside of the frame and she produced her driver’s license to prove the chair did indeed belong to her.
You know? After everything we put them through they were kind enough to give us an escort to the store’s exterior and saluted as we left the parking lot. Needless to say, it was just one of the highlights Mother experienced while on pain meds.
HAHAHAHA! I can’t believe that pissed them off. I would have started laughing if I were them and then I would have said ” Oh yeah, we called the cops anyway” just to see y’all run.
Did your mom find another craft store that she wasn’t banned from?
I was disappointed when we saw that exhibit in Dallas. I don’t know what I expected but that wasn’t it. And I totally wanted to take pictures of all the dead bodies to put into our family scrapbook. They totally wouldn’t let us.
I KNOW! No Photos! I was “What the Hell?”
To me they didn’t look like real humans. They looked like sculptures, so that totally ruined the “OH MY GOD DEAD BODIES” factor. Like I said before, I want a freak show. I want body parts floating in pickle jars.
I want to see Mutated body parts in jars !
YES!
I love that those old ladies joined in your nut-sack seeking fun. That’s the kind of old lady I want to be someday.
Me too! I want to always be ready for any spontaneous male body part identifying sport!
I am pretty sure you will get the Gold.
I have yet to see that exhibit, but for some reason all those balls would probably ruin the exhibit’s credibility for me. How would I be able to marvel at the human form with all those balls hanging around?
I KNOW! They were very distracting. I think they musta had a bunch of extra ones for the Southern Tour.