Everyone needs a fleet of flying monkeys to rip the stuffing out of the annoying people in their lives
— Laura
While driving home from work yesterday a poor little squirrel made the decision to cross the street just as my Death Mobile car came barreling down the road. When I saw him, I held my breath hoping he had the good sense to hunker down. But he was a squirrel with poor decision skills, so I heard the crunch under my right front tire even over the radio. His name was Ed, because he deserves a name, and I prayed him into Heaven, even though I’m kind of thinking it might have been suicide, and the Church would frown on that, but then again the Church frowns on roadkill going to Heaven to begin with, so to Hell with them – the Church, not the roadkill. Anyway, now I’m going to write Ed’s eulogy poem before a bolt of lightning comes down and smites the fuck out of me.
Ode to Ed the Squirrel
A Poem of Eulogy by Laura Ledford
It’s a nice spring for squirrels, but not for dear, sweet Ed.
Most go foraging for nuts, but Ed just ended up dead.
Smashed by a Toyota, struck down in his prime.
Now he’s part of the highway, head flatter than a dime.
I hope you didn’t leave a family, some kids perhaps or maybe just a wife.
Either way you really shouldn’t have been so careless with your life.
I’ll never forget the sound you made Ed, I heard it even over Adele.
And I hope it wasn’t suicide ’cause you might go straight to Hell.
Rest in peace, little dude. Your troubles are over. And if it wasn’t suicide, I’m sorry I murdered you with my car.
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89 Responses to In Memory of Ed.
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THIS is why I love your blog! Please never stop. RIP Ed.
Well, thank you.
LMAOOOOOOOOOOO!! Poor, poor Ed. But what a beautiful eulogy.
Thank you.
Hi Laura,
I got Ed’s cousin, Jerry Jackrabbit, on Monday.
Dave
Maybe they can play in heaven together.
I’m pissed off at all squirrels. I aim for ‘em. Ever seen a squirrel rolling a huge ripe tomato across your back yard? Those bastards will eat anything and everything. The ones on the Stretchengetti ate all the bird seed, and then ate the fucking bird feeder. They ate the metal. They also ate the rubber off the wheels of my Radio Flyer. I wish they would all commit suicide…save me some .177s.
But Ed was different. I’m sure of it.
Ha, I feel the same way about squirrels, they eat my apples,they eat my figs, they eat my tomatoes and they tear the tar shingles off my roof. RIP ED et al! Pretty sure that all squirrels go to HELL, never have seen any signs of repentance from them.
Haters gonna hate. HA! Ed was different. I just know it.
This seems to happen to you a lot… either you live in a high wildlife-suicide area or you’re secretly an assassin of assorted vermin. Hmmm…
No! Just my second around here. I wiped out a herd of antelope in Wyoming though. Well, some key members anyway.
A squirrel instinctively “freezes” to use the surroundings, which are usually trees, to confuse predators or for camouflage. Unfortunately, there hasn’t been a few million years for the squirrels to evolve and do the same on pavement. Even then, the result would be the same, except you’d probably missed the event, and your fine poem would never have been written.
This just goes to show that Mother Nature is a bitch.
Nature kills. So do Toyotas.
REDRUM!!! LOL
Everytime I read or say that word I use my forefinger like that psycho kid.
Ed! We hardly knew ye!
The bagpipes were a melancholy touch, just enough to wring tears from the coldest heart.
However, thank you for not braking and killing the family in the car behind you.
You’re welcome, I mean THEY’RE welcome- as in the family behind me.
squished squirrel
Flatter than a fritter. Poor Ed.
I work at a home daycare where I train children to be my future samurai and mad scientists. The kids had a neighborhood squirrel they affectionately referred to as Gordon. . . I accidentally ran over Gordon one day. . . and haven’t been able to tell anyone that’s why Gordon’s gone missing. I feel better knowing there’s someone else out there that’s killed squirrels and feels bad for it. Thanks for being there for my confession
We murderers have to stick together. RIP Gordon.
First Ricky, now Ed. Shame, shame.
IT’S MY CAR! It attracts wildlife!
As a good Catholic girl (I see a rendering in our future), you know that animals have no souls. Apparently they got F’d on that deal. Regardless, you could have just tased the poor fellow. Five “Our Fathers” and four “Hail Marys” and I think you will be good.
ps – It is a Friday during lent so you can’t eat him till tomorrow.
LIES ALL LIES.
U R GOING TO HELL
U R 2.
I must Agree….no truth to animals not having souls.
ABSOLUTELY no truth.
you two need to relax.
Ironically, each year at parochial school they have “The Blessing of the Pets”. That’s American Catholicism for you.
ps – I still think you should wait until tomorrow to eat the squirrel. Have a goldfish or something tonight.
They have The Blessing of the Pets at an Episcopalian Church here. I took Jack once and they asked that I not bring him back.
Poor Ed! The first time I ever drove a car I ran over a snake. I’m not sure what that means.
You’re a snake killer.
Oh good Lord Laura. Did you even hit the brakes?
No. Sadly, no.
You did not mention he was in the South bound lane and you were in the North bound lane and you have to CROSS LANES TO HIT HIM….. hmmmmm RIP Ed.
LIES! I only aim for people.
I HATE SQUIRRELS. Im with you Yabu, Nothing better than a dead Squirrel. I love to see Squirrel splats on the road and I love the sound of them bouncing off the bottom of my Jeep…. SCORE! RIP ED!
Count yourself off the funeral list. This means you can’t eat bacon sandwiches at the wake.
No worries…I’ve heard that Satan often likes to dress like a squirrel to lure unsuspecting dachshunds out into the traffic. You did Jack a favor.
Lawd, if Jack ever escapes out into the wild I’m pretty certain he’d get an army of squirrels together to help do his bidding.
In nature, tiny things usually get out of the way of huge things. Except squirrels. They may be the ditzy cousins of the woodland creatures. Possums are physically slow, racoons are just arrogant, skunks are used to everything running from their smell, but squirrels just don’t have common sense!
So, they are the French of the woodland creatures.
I seriously LOL’d!!!
All I can picture in my mind are the Mighty Squirrel Nutz of the almighty Fark mascot…..Thank you.
HAHA! You’re welcome.
Is it weird that I stood up at my desk while the video played?
No girl. I cried a little.
effing squirrels always jump out in front of my car. I’ve found if you aim for them they’ll usually move. Usually.
This is my first squirrel!!
You’re young. There will be many more opportunities.
Nooo! That sound..oh God…that sound.
thump thump thump
It was much worse!
Damn Boneybutt! You have a six wheel vehicle?
Or do you imagine Laura backed over him to ensure his flatness?
I would on;y do that if he was French. Ha!
Well, depending on your speed, you can’t always afford to swerve and it’s dangerous to assume anyone right behind you will have enough sense to notice if you’ve braked hard….As my hilarious BIL pointed out once, “Most people on the road are slack-jawed cretins.”
Don’t feel too bad. I hit and killed a squirrel, too….back in the 90′s but it sucked.
There’s a reason for the term “acting squirrely”.
Totally unpredictable.
That was a very nice memorial poem for Ed.
He’s in nut heaven now.
Thank you. I bet he’s on Jesus’ shoulder eating Cheetos with Ricky the Raccoon and they’re all discussing my driving.
LOL….I’ll bet the squirrel whose Christmas I canceled has hooked up with them, too. Back when I had a 1974 Gremlin a buzzard flew down right in front of me and according to my Ex (I didn’t look), there were buzzard innards all under the front of my car. Then I was teased where I worked that the buzzard thought my Gremlin was something dead on the road (uh huh,dead but traveling over 65 ?)…Poor Buzzy didn’t deserve that and I had no time to react.
This is awful, but I’ll bet there’s a “Road Kill Club” in heaven where heinous driving is discussed.
And you’re probably the main topic! Ha!
One of my oldest living friends hit a buzzard flying off a road kill on Kennedy Space Center. He was riding his motorcycle at about 90 when the buzzard failed to get enough altitude to clear his helmet, which was down on the motorcycle as far as it would go. Buzzard went pinwheeling up into the sky, shedding blood and feathers. My friend Joe was knocked a little more stupid than when he started. Also, alcohol was involved. Ahem.
The buzzard buddies, being ever practical, started chowing down on their recently departed comrade. There’s a moral there but I may be too drunk to express it.
Whoa. Drinking and riding a bike at 90 mph and hitting a buzzard? Dude was lucky to have survived.
Yeah, buzzards don’t give a damn about death.
Now you have wrenched a secret from me. I have a song I sing when I see dead squirrels or on the rare occasions that I have hit one myself. They need to be sung into heaven. One song for red squirrels and one for grey ones. I learned the grey one in Girl Scouts, though they didn’t sing it for the deceased. I had to make up the red one on my own because Girl Scouts are racist and didn’t have a song for the red ones.
Damn those racist bitches.
I usually just make the sign of the cross and say “I loved that squirrel.” Nothing weird.
>> They have The Blessing of the Pets at an Episcopalian Church here. I took Jack once and they asked that I not bring him back. <<
Jack would be welcome at our congregation…assumming he brings his taser…and dresses as a storm trooper.
He’d do it too for communion wafers.
My friend, Grace has a theory about squirrels. When they start running back and forth, she thinks they are carrying a nut in their mouth, so she has “I got a nut!!, I got a nut!”
Grace will stomp on the brakes too, for ALL creatures, birds that waddle in the parking lots, etc (and she tells them so scoot, not that they can hear her). I always yell at her NOT to do that. She has close calls while driving and getting rear ended.
There was nowhere for me to go and I had traffic behind me. I had no choice. I prayed him into heaven so there’s that I quess.
{snif, snif} – Man is it ever dusty in here. Sad poetry, Amazing Grace on bagpipes, and a poor little tree rat meets his demise. So very sad.
I think you’ve come a long way to atone for your sin – you’ve cut back the “smite with lighting” back to “annoying fly that won’t leave you alone” celestial punishment. Just sayin.’
Man oh man, I hope you’re right. But I do hate flies.
Bwhahahah I wish I could steal this and have all the guys on the COB rolling! Sqirrel KILLER!!! the tribute was simply amazing….
I gave it a full salute A-1 and all!
Well thank you. It was all for Ed.
I’m sorry. Squirrels are suicidal retards. I have run over a couple, after slowing down and almost stopping while they decide, DECIDE, to, well, GO BACK TOWARDS ME AFTER THEY’RE ON THE FUCKING SHOULDER.
Retards.
Ed definitely needed a helmet.
The “Drunk Man’s Everest” video is fantastic! Brings to mind a story I’ve heard about me at a company Christmas party that I don’t remember.
Isn’t that a great vid? I laughed so hard when EVERYONE was chanting him on.
Rationalize your deed by understanding that you have just improved the squirrel gene pool, especially if Ed had not bred. That rhymes…ADD strikes again.
Anyway, you’ve removed a defective squirrel who didn’t know whether to shit or go blind when a car approached. Hopefully the genetic specimens that remain will know to jump out of the way of killer toyotas.
Poor Ed. He’d been Darwinized.
I don’t know about the squirrels in your neighborhood but if I ran over Ed, his family would be waiting for me to seek their revenge. Evil things!! I am pretty sure no one would ever find my body!!
Luckily, Ed wasn’t in my neighborhood and squirrels are bad trackers.
Squirrels, by and large, are not known for superior decision-making skills.
Now you tell me.
Well, you ode him at least this…
HAHAHAH!
I’m goin’ to hell for laughing so damned hard during Amazing Grace…..and it’s YOUR fault.
Why do I get blamed for sending people to Hell all the time? Ha!
OMG, thank you for making my night. Poor Ed. But ha hahahahahahahaahaha
Poor, poor Ed.