Everyone needs a fleet of flying monkeys to rip the stuffing out of the annoying people in their lives
— Laura
Yesterday I had Chinese food for lunch and I had a very interesting fortune in my cookie. I forgot to take a picture of it, and then the little piece of paper ended up getting thrown away with the remains of my House Lo Mein, so I photoshopped one because I’m helpful like that.
I took it since “wished for” was past tense, I reflected back on what I had wished for that morning, then I sat back and waited. By the end of the day all of the Bunch O’Bitches were still alive.
Fucking lying-ass Chinese.
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53 Responses to Give me something to believe in.
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Lying bastards.
Sonsabitches.
LOLLOLOL! Dammit! If only the Chinese weren’t such liars!
I know, right?
I’m still waiting for that pony.
But a MF’ing pteradactyl will do.
Ha! Don’t you love it?
With my luck, I’d have wished to win the lottery and found last nights numbers on the back of the fortune.
THAT would suck.
Well, at least it didn’t say…“that wasen’t chicken”
I guess there’s that.
I know what you wished for! Earlier in the day, you said, “Damn, I wish I had me some Chinese food.” AND YOU GOT IT. spooooooooky!
Oooooooo, that could be it!
That… is exactly why… I dont eat Chinese.. right there. that’s it. I mean besides the fact they pick up road kill to make there food… ewwww.
Lies. That’s the French.
Yes, but you recall that you also wished to NOT have rabies, so there’s that. Right???
Well, I always wish that. Doesn’t everyone?
Lyin bastards. Ya know people actually sit around all day and think those stupid fortunes up. Id like that job.
I want that job. I’d write all kinds of crazy shit.
OMG, you eat that stuff? you know what that is?
http://humor.beecy.net/songs/chinesechicken/
I loves me some Chinese food.
“Offer void when cookie broken”
HA! NOW you tell me.
This post is very disappointing on multiple fronts:
* You didn’t think of Clooney? WTF?
* You need to be patient
* You didn’t wish for a shiny new taser?!?
* You didn’t wish that J would be “less-Nazi”?
I have to go lie down now…I am thinking that it may be End of Days.
And taser yourself while you’re at it.
done. I kept it off of the jibbly bits.
HAHAHAH.
LOL! I don’t eat fortune cookies, but I save them for the dogs. Then we make a big deal out of getting their full attention to read their fortunes before they get the cookie. They are always so attentive to listen to their fortunes. Husband says it’s only because I am holding a cookie in my hand at the time, but I know they are waiting for their morning wish to come true. And it probably does because their wish that morning was probably for a…cookie.
That is a fantastic idea. And I bet 9 outta 10 times all they do wish for is that cookie. I bet there’s always a 10th time though they wish for something more. Perhaps the Moo Goo Gai Pan.
Funny. I wished earlier that you would do a blog on fortune cookies. Or goats.
Weird!
WEIRD indeed!
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/03/19/lion-cubs-hug-trainer_n_1365522.html
Cute video. Thought you would like it.
How adorable is that?! I liked how the one started to bute him though. Ha!
Goddamn lying-ass fortunes!
I had one once that said “love is the best medicine for a broken heart.” WHATEVS. Vodka is. Duh.
Also, do you have an email? I have a matter of national security and utmost importance I’d like to ask you about. Like a favor. An offer you hopefully won’t refuse….
Yes- it’s laura@fetchmyflyingmonkeys.com. Send money. And Vodka.
You can’t trust the Chinese..
Those sonsabitches.
You silly goose.
Don’t you know that you’re supposed to add the words “in bed” to the end of every fortune from a fortune cookie ?
Makes them far more interesting or funny !
So Clooney could have been in my bed? Damn!
Hah! Don’t lie to us–I know you inhaled the fortune paper along with your cookie. Maybe because you wished cookies could be good for you. “Now with more fiber!”
I don’t like fortune cookies. They taste like cardboard. Not enough sugar.
My fortune said: “Really, fatso, another cookie?”
You can’t get fat on Chinese fortune cookies. They are made of cardboard. Fact.
Goats eat cardboard, too. Coincidence?
Hmmm.
There are 35 calories in a Chinese fortune cookie, not counting the paper. I think that qualifies as one of those foods where it takes more calories to eat than can be obtained. Otherwise, if you eat enough, you’ll die of starvation….if not constipation.
Pure fiber I bet.
I got one that just said “Duck!” I whirled, looked around, but only saw a pair of sparrows. Fucking cookies lie.
Ha!
If you can’t believe a cookie than what is there to believe in in life?
It didn’t say that something you wished for would come true TODAY, so there’s still time
Ooooo so Clooney can still show up at my house?
Can’t trust them heathen Chinee.
No no no, they didn’t lie to you. They did sucker you though.
You read the fortune wrong. It said “something you wish for today” will “come true”.
That means that something you wished for today will come true at some point, not necessarily today. They never claimed the wish fulfillment would happen today, only that something you wished for today would in fact come to pass.
And someday, the bunch’o'bitches will die. It’s inevitable. So, the wish is still yet to come to pass.
The Chinese are not liars. They are tricky sonsabitches, though. And they got ya.
Well now, that fucking sucks. Ha!