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Give me something to believe in. | Fetch My Flying Monkeys
Everyone needs a fleet of flying monkeys to rip the stuffing out of the annoying people in their lives
— Laura

Yesterday I had Chinese food for lunch and I had a very interesting fortune in my cookie. I forgot to take a picture of it, and then the little piece of paper ended up getting thrown away with the remains of my House Lo Mein, so I photoshopped one because I’m helpful like that.

I took it since “wished for” was past tense, I reflected back on what I had wished for that morning, then I sat back and waited. By the end of the day all of the Bunch O’Bitches were still alive.

Fucking lying-ass Chinese.

53 Comments
 

53 Responses to Give me something to believe in.

  1. Suzanne says:

    Lying bastards.

  2. Jennifer says:

    LOLLOLOL! Dammit! If only the Chinese weren’t such liars!

  3. I’m still waiting for that pony.

    But a MF’ing pteradactyl will do.

  4. Jess says:

    With my luck, I’d have wished to win the lottery and found last nights numbers on the back of the fortune.

  5. Yabu says:

    Well, at least it didn’t say…“that wasen’t chicken”

  6. Hoody Hoo says:

    I know what you wished for! Earlier in the day, you said, “Damn, I wish I had me some Chinese food.” AND YOU GOT IT. spooooooooky!

  7. Princess. says:

    That… is exactly why… I dont eat Chinese.. right there. that’s it. I mean besides the fact they pick up road kill to make there food… ewwww.

  8. Yes, but you recall that you also wished to NOT have rabies, so there’s that. Right???

  9. Twinkie says:

    Lyin bastards. Ya know people actually sit around all day and think those stupid fortunes up. Id like that job.

  10. Putz says:

    OMG, you eat that stuff? you know what that is?
    http://humor.beecy.net/songs/chinesechicken/

  11. jon spencer says:

    “Offer void when cookie broken”

  12. The Nickster says:

    This post is very disappointing on multiple fronts:
    * You didn’t think of Clooney? WTF?
    * You need to be patient
    * You didn’t wish for a shiny new taser?!?
    * You didn’t wish that J would be “less-Nazi”?

    I have to go lie down now…I am thinking that it may be End of Days.

  13. LOL! I don’t eat fortune cookies, but I save them for the dogs. Then we make a big deal out of getting their full attention to read their fortunes before they get the cookie. They are always so attentive to listen to their fortunes. Husband says it’s only because I am holding a cookie in my hand at the time, but I know they are waiting for their morning wish to come true. And it probably does because their wish that morning was probably for a…cookie.

    • Laura says:

      That is a fantastic idea. And I bet 9 outta 10 times all they do wish for is that cookie. I bet there’s always a 10th time though they wish for something more. Perhaps the Moo Goo Gai Pan.

  14. Mark12A says:

    Funny. I wished earlier that you would do a blog on fortune cookies. Or goats.

    Weird!

  15. Goddamn lying-ass fortunes!
    I had one once that said “love is the best medicine for a broken heart.” WHATEVS. Vodka is. Duh.

    Also, do you have an email? I have a matter of national security and utmost importance I’d like to ask you about. Like a favor. An offer you hopefully won’t refuse….

    :)

  16. Jena says:

    You can’t trust the Chinese..

  17. SB Smith says:

    You silly goose.
    Don’t you know that you’re supposed to add the words “in bed” to the end of every fortune from a fortune cookie ?
    Makes them far more interesting or funny !

  18. Alison says:

    Hah! Don’t lie to us–I know you inhaled the fortune paper along with your cookie. Maybe because you wished cookies could be good for you. “Now with more fiber!”

  19. Fluffy says:

    My fortune said: “Really, fatso, another cookie?”

  20. Jess says:

    There are 35 calories in a Chinese fortune cookie, not counting the paper. I think that qualifies as one of those foods where it takes more calories to eat than can be obtained. Otherwise, if you eat enough, you’ll die of starvation….if not constipation.

  21. Pug Mahon says:

    I got one that just said “Duck!” I whirled, looked around, but only saw a pair of sparrows. Fucking cookies lie.

  22. Otter says:

    It didn’t say that something you wished for would come true TODAY, so there’s still time

  23. Nicole says:

    Can’t trust them heathen Chinee.

  24. Curtal Friar says:

    No no no, they didn’t lie to you. They did sucker you though.

    You read the fortune wrong. It said “something you wish for today” will “come true”.

    That means that something you wished for today will come true at some point, not necessarily today. They never claimed the wish fulfillment would happen today, only that something you wished for today would in fact come to pass.

    And someday, the bunch’o'bitches will die. It’s inevitable. So, the wish is still yet to come to pass.

    The Chinese are not liars. They are tricky sonsabitches, though. And they got ya.

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