Everyone needs a fleet of flying monkeys to rip the stuffing out of the annoying people in their lives
— Laura

I was going to write about a new charity I’m going to do some volunteering for but I’m too exhausted. Last night I dreamt I was a new cast member on Jersey Shore which pretty much guaranteed me waking up screaming into the dark, drenched with sweat, and a sheet wrapped around my neck where I tried to end my suffering. The dream felt so real that after untangling myself from my sheet noose, I immediately felt my hair for a poof and my chest for giganto implants, all the while testing my IQ by reciting the alphabet and then multiplication tables inside my head. Today, just to be safe, I’m making an appointment with my doctor to get tested for every venereal disease known to man. And rabies. I mean, since I’ll be there anyway.


57 Responses to Most people have nightmares about falling to their deaths, or being chased by some unknown horror and being unable to run, or drowning slowly. Mine are much, much worse.

  1. Suzanne says:

    Your nightmare is my all day, every day, here In NJ. Please send help.

  2. Yabu says:

    Damn, woman. I’ve never seen Jersey Shore, and never will, but I once dreamt me and Stretch were space walking above the rings of Saturn, and my tether broke. I woke up sweating before our oxygen ran out. Damn, I thought that was bad, but being a skank sounds worse to me.

    You have a good weekend, and sweet dreams.

  3. Hoody Hoo says:

    You know Dear Sweet Mama lives not only IN Joisey, but on the actual SHORE? You’re probably channeling her!

  4. Alison says:

    Reality tv is a terrorist plot to drive all thinking people insane, so they go out and murder the rest of the population. Fact.

  5. Jena says:

    Dayum…. what the hell triggered that dream? TMI, Laura….TMI. HA!!

  6. If I were you, I would be praying for rabies.

    What a frickin’ nightmare….

  7. Jess says:

    By accident, I switched to MTV, while Jersey Shore was on the air. After a few moments, I quickly switched channels and washed my hands in Clorox. You can’t be too careful.

  8. laughingmom says:

    Have you checked your abs?

  9. Is there a test for toxic tanning syndrome? You might want that too. Really, just read something (not written by Snooki) and your brain will begin to heal itself.

  10. The Nickster says:

    Should have just tased yourself…or had another G&T….you were probably just suffering from withdrawals.

  11. Fluffy says:

    I once dreamt that I hugged Frasier. That was the whole dream. Kelsey Grammer was standing there, I said “Frasier!” and hugged him. End of dream.

  12. Just saw George Clooney’s news about his Sudan Embassy incident and immediately thought of you assembling a crack team of Special Forces to liberate him, while the Rick James song “Bustin’ Out” plays in the background.

    • Laura says:

      HE NEEDS MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!! I will render aid and comfort. Lots of comfort. Like first slow and then hard and fast….wait..what?

  13. Mark12A says:

    The spin-off from Jersey Shore may well be “Who’s the Daddy?” The only one I know for sure hasn’t banged Snooki is me.

    And this just in…George Clooney arrested outside the Sudanese Embassy during a protest. Maybe you can go bond his ass out.

  14. Eww. Jersey Shore dream??? Jesus Christ woman, you’re lucky you didn’t wake up retarded. Have the doc run those tests twice. Happy Friday!

  15. Terri the Terror says:

    Today I’m wearing Dr. Marten’s Marlena pumps. They are high heeled and I believe have steel toes. They come in Joisey Shore hooker red although I am wearing chaste black (haha). If nothing else, you can kick the hos and guidos.

  16. Jeffro says:

    And here I thought my dreams were bizarre. Hope your dreams this weekend involve romantic encounters with your boo!

  17. Elphaba says:

    You might want to get a pregnancy test while you’re at it! Snookie is knocked up, ain’t she?

    • Laura says:

      God lawd..she’ll have to go get her hoohoo sutured up so the kid will stay in long enough to cook until done. ( Too gross? Maybe but true.)

  18. SB Smith says:

    I know…you must have drunk all the wine that cooked with the Drunk Ass Pig, but the alcohol morphed into an hallucinogen.

  19. The Little People says:

    Happy St. Patrick’s day! Hope you’re having green beer (or something green and not toxic) tonite. Happy Day!!

  20. Maybe, if you ask nicely, they’ll test you for one rabie(-y?) at a time. That way “J” can’t call you crazy.

  21. Larry says:

    geez, your nightmares are enough to give someone nightmares.

  22. dana says:

    Don’t forget a pregnancy test and a DNA kit…since you’re there anyway and the doctor now knows you’re a slut.

  23. Pug Mahon says:

    The most I ever saw of Jersey Shore was South Park’s loving rendition, wherein Snookie was some kind of horny twisted homonculus, which, oddly, is very accurate. Trey Parker and Matt Stone are, like…gods to me.

    Not even going to go into what I dream about.

  24. Jess says:

    I’d feel like a real asshole if I didn’t make some kind of effort to determine why you’ve been really quiet for three days.

  25. I’ve been having some asshole dreams lately. I sweat through my pjs and curl up my hands and wrists into tight little straight-jacket fists. I’ll try the sheet noose next time.

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