Everyone needs a fleet of flying monkeys to rip the stuffing out of the annoying people in their lives
— Laura
I was going to write about a new charity I’m going to do some volunteering for but I’m too exhausted. Last night I dreamt I was a new cast member on Jersey Shore which pretty much guaranteed me waking up screaming into the dark, drenched with sweat, and a sheet wrapped around my neck where I tried to end my suffering. The dream felt so real that after untangling myself from my sheet noose, I immediately felt my hair for a poof and my chest for giganto implants, all the while testing my IQ by reciting the alphabet and then multiplication tables inside my head. Today, just to be safe, I’m making an appointment with my doctor to get tested for every venereal disease known to man. And rabies. I mean, since I’ll be there anyway.
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57 Responses to Most people have nightmares about falling to their deaths, or being chased by some unknown horror and being unable to run, or drowning slowly. Mine are much, much worse.
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Your nightmare is my all day, every day, here In NJ. Please send help.
GOOD LAWD! Only God and heavy-duty antibiotics can save you!
Damn, woman. I’ve never seen Jersey Shore, and never will, but I once dreamt me and Stretch were space walking above the rings of Saturn, and my tether broke. I woke up sweating before our oxygen ran out. Damn, I thought that was bad, but being a skank sounds worse to me.
You have a good weekend, and sweet dreams.
Being a skank would be worse.
You have a great weekend!!
You know Dear Sweet Mama lives not only IN Joisey, but on the actual SHORE? You’re probably channeling her!
OH LAWD! Has she seen these people?
Reality tv is a terrorist plot to drive all thinking people insane, so they go out and murder the rest of the population. Fact.
I believe it. Why all the freaks? There has GOT to be more interesting people.
Dayum…. what the hell triggered that dream? TMI, Laura….TMI. HA!!
I tell all my celeb dreams- not that reality show folks are celebs.
Did you see the news on your Boo? Him and his Daddy got arrested on some foreign soil.
Yessum. I need to comfort him.
If I were you, I would be praying for rabies.
What a frickin’ nightmare….
I KNOW! Can you imagine living in that house?!
By accident, I switched to MTV, while Jersey Shore was on the air. After a few moments, I quickly switched channels and washed my hands in Clorox. You can’t be too careful.
Aren’t they the foulest? I mean, they’re like animals in heat, and not cute animals.
Have you checked your abs?
Now dats a situation.
Is there a test for toxic tanning syndrome? You might want that too. Really, just read something (not written by Snooki) and your brain will begin to heal itself.
Can you believe “she” wrote a book? Yeah, me neither.
Ooo that nasty orange glow.
Should have just tased yourself…or had another G&T….you were probably just suffering from withdrawals.
No that can’t be it. I use an IV at night.
you are always thinking ahead…
I once dreamt that I hugged Frasier. That was the whole dream. Kelsey Grammer was standing there, I said “Frasier!” and hugged him. End of dream.
I have lots of celebrity dreams. Usually I do more than hug them.
Just saw George Clooney’s news about his Sudan Embassy incident and immediately thought of you assembling a crack team of Special Forces to liberate him, while the Rick James song “Bustin’ Out” plays in the background.
HE NEEDS MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!! I will render aid and comfort. Lots of comfort. Like first slow and then hard and fast….wait..what?
The spin-off from Jersey Shore may well be “Who’s the Daddy?” The only one I know for sure hasn’t banged Snooki is me.
And this just in…George Clooney arrested outside the Sudanese Embassy during a protest. Maybe you can go bond his ass out.
I will bail him out after I strip search him. I can do both, right?
I’m not going to help you. You’re on your own with that one.
Eww. Jersey Shore dream??? Jesus Christ woman, you’re lucky you didn’t wake up retarded. Have the doc run those tests twice. Happy Friday!
Ha! Happy Friday to you!
Today I’m wearing Dr. Marten’s Marlena pumps. They are high heeled and I believe have steel toes. They come in Joisey Shore hooker red although I am wearing chaste black (haha). If nothing else, you can kick the hos and guidos.
Then you’d have to burn the shoes.
Nooooooo, not that. Anything but that.
And here I thought my dreams were bizarre. Hope your dreams this weekend involve romantic encounters with your boo!
They always are! Thanks!
You might want to get a pregnancy test while you’re at it! Snookie is knocked up, ain’t she?
God lawd..she’ll have to go get her hoohoo sutured up so the kid will stay in long enough to cook until done. ( Too gross? Maybe but true.)
I know…you must have drunk all the wine that cooked with the Drunk Ass Pig, but the alcohol morphed into an hallucinogen.
Also known as sugar. Mmmm…sugar.
Happy St. Patrick’s day! Hope you’re having green beer (or something green and not toxic) tonite. Happy Day!!
Happy St. Patty’s to you!
Maybe, if you ask nicely, they’ll test you for one rabie(-y?) at a time. That way “J” can’t call you crazy.
Hw will anyway. Nazis are like that.
ha nice, well a jersey shore look would match your boo’s latest digs i guess
http://www.washingtonpost.com/business/george-clooney-arrested-in-washington-at-sudan-protest/2012/03/16/gIQAWnuxGS_story.html
Ha For reals.
geez, your nightmares are enough to give someone nightmares.
Sharing is caring.
Don’t forget a pregnancy test and a DNA kit…since you’re there anyway and the doctor now knows you’re a slut.
OH GOD preggers by one of those nasty nam whores. Uggh.
The most I ever saw of Jersey Shore was South Park’s loving rendition, wherein Snookie was some kind of horny twisted homonculus, which, oddly, is very accurate. Trey Parker and Matt Stone are, like…gods to me.
Not even going to go into what I dream about.
I LOVE South Park.
I’d feel like a real asshole if I didn’t make some kind of effort to determine why you’ve been really quiet for three days.
Lawdy, I have been sooooo busy. And not just busy getting my drunk on.
I’ve been having some asshole dreams lately. I sweat through my pjs and curl up my hands and wrists into tight little straight-jacket fists. I’ll try the sheet noose next time.
JERSEY SHORE DREAMS!