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I have never meant these words as much as I do now- THANK GOD IT’S FRIDAY. | Fetch My Flying Monkeys
Everyone needs a fleet of flying monkeys to rip the stuffing out of the annoying people in their lives
— Laura

I’ve been spending most of my days dreaming about winning the lottery and then the rest of the time wondering how much a professional hitman would cost. Yes, I know I’m an assassin, but one never kills where they work, well, unless you work at the post office I suppose. Besides, I’ll need to make sure I have a good alibi. Shit. I think I just incriminated myself by writing this, didn’t I? I’m overworked, underpaid, underappreciated,  and worst of all, I’m out of pain meds and red cream soda. I don’t know how much longer I can go on, but the store said they’d get more soda in this afternoon so I threw the dead hookers out of my trunk so I’d have room to stock up.

Now here’s a picture of some baby goats to entertain y’all while I’m tending to real life. Those dead hookers aren’t going to drag themselves to the backyard next to the compost bin and bury themselves. Ooops, I just incriminated myself again, didn’t I? Shit. 

Baby goats would never rat you out. Fact.

69 Comments
 

69 Responses to I have never meant these words as much as I do now- THANK GOD IT’S FRIDAY.

  1. Heather says:

    THANK GOD!

    Please come back to blogging more often! (Yes, I’m needy.)

  2. Jennifer says:

    Those goats are sooo cute!

    That reminds me, I need to bury my dead hookers too, lol

  3. Yabu says:

    I’d bury those dead hookers in some bitch’s yard just to be safe. In addition to red cream soda, I’d stock up on Gin and Juice and some good beer, and spend some time developing Stick Science II.

    Have a good weekend.

  4. One Crazed Chick says:

    Oh, if you’re just putting the hookers in the compost pile, I won’t offer to come over and do some digging. If your backyard gets full, I know where there’s an empty one.

    Love the goats

  5. ALTIMA says:

    I spend everyday dreaming about winning the lottery… Alas I just cant get myself to by a ticket and somehow I feel richer for that….

  6. Princess says:

    Exactly what does the state do with all that money they get?

  7. Reba says:

    We are probably all overworked, underpaid, under appreciated but you are deffinetly now Over incriminated …..

  8. Tink says:

    uuuuuuu drool drool,,, baby goats,,, must have one… or two drool drool…. I wish they stayed that small Id have a bunch of them. So blessed cute.

    • Laura says:

      I want an army of them. Especially if I can train them to kill.

      • SB Smith says:

        Now there’s a threat no one would be expecting: Assassin Pygmy Goats. Can’t you just hear the victims ?…
        “Awww…look how cute these baby go….”.
        And then – silence.

        *
        I could use some trained assassin goats myself.

      • Tink says:

        You can not train a goat to Kill.. unless they “cute” u to death

  9. Tink says:

    P.S. now I know where we are going for lunch today. The Red Cream Soda was a dead giveaway. should I bring the trailer?

  10. Micki says:

    Amen, Sister!!!

    Hope you have a good weekend, and get those dead hookers buried before they start smelling bad!

  11. QueenBee says:

    Before you bury them, check their pockets. I would bet they’ve got meds of some sort!

  12. Jess says:

    I do that; wonder how I’d spend my lottery money; plan the small speech I’ll give to the few people I wish would eat shit and die; think of how many people I’ve made a boat-load of money and how they showed their appreciation by buying a bigger boat, or a camp, or a recreation vehicle, or taking their family on vacation to Hawaii.

    Yep, when I win, it won’t be pretty and I’ll laugh all the way to the bank.

    The goats are a refreshing to my eyes. Thanks and have a good weekend. Rain’s coming, so just throw the hookers in the ditch and Mother Nature will do the rest.

  13. Grammy says:

    And now I have a horrendous craving for Red Cream Soda….

  14. Tim says:

    TGIF!!!!!!!!! Yes we need more blogs, but Thank You for the ones we get…Have a great weekend!

  15. Alison says:

    You should snoop around and check the bottom desk drawers of those Buncha Sonsabitches at work. They probably bought out all the red cream soda. Which proves how dumb they are, because having a twitchy, soda-less assassin in their midst only raises their risk of death and dismemberment (not necessarily in that order).

  16. Funny, you would think we worked in the same office. Baby goats are calming…

  17. Fluffy says:

    Instead of getting a hitman, why don’t you just frame the person with one of the dead hookers? I mean, you have enough of them, put ‘em to good use!

  18. Mark12A says:

    Apparently, until the authorities catch you, you don’t even have to give up food stamps if you win the lottery. Something to think about.

    Can you buy red cream soda with food stamps?

    And if you start up a hitman guild, will you offer dental?

    As far as the dead hookers go, smelling bad is not necessarily part of being dead. Some of them are pretty rank when they are still breathing. And I hope you lined your trunk with that Louie Linguini-brand plastic wrap. Keeps the hard-to-remove-blood-and-other-fluids from staining your trunk liner.

    If you need any other hints, just let me know.

    • Laura says:

      You are a dead hooker scientist.

      Yes, I would offer dental, but no health plan. Also, I will have to look into buying red cream soda with my stamps.

  19. Jena says:

    I miss my FMFM!!!! J needs to pick up the slack!

  20. The Nickster says:

    I have always thought that “going postal” was kinda funny…could there be a lower stress job than the post office?!? Taco Bell is higher on the list. I’m at the Food Bank the other day and it is a bunch of victims (and these were volunteers). WTF? Everyone needs to relax…or at least tase themselves occaisonally. EOM.

  21. Margie says:

    I once fantasized about winning a million dollars. Sat down with pen and paper figuring what I would do with all that money and came out in the hole. :)

  22. Liz says:

    Don’t be so sure about the goats not ratting you out.

    You know how it is. When the neighbor goes all serial killer everyone says, “He looked so normal and was so quiet.”

    Goats look normal and are quiet (and cute). I think they’d rat you out!

  23. Jan says:

    T. G. I. F!
    Damn it;s been a long week! I need a case of red cream soda and enough Chinese food to make me comatose until Monday. (Never had red cream soda before, but it looks yummy!)

  24. Larry says:

    You would need to win the lottery to pay for all of the assassins fees, those people are expensive! The ones that aren’t working for the FBI that is, they just string you along and then toss you in jail and they NEVER CARRY OUT THE ASSASSINATION! Sonsabitches.

  25. Jeffro says:

    If Baby Goat Daddy (“Billy?”) is black, Baby Goat Mama is gonna have some ‘splainin’ to do….

  26. Nicole says:

    Now I know who has been sucking up all the lottery luck. Back off that daydreaming and leave some for the rest of us! :P

  27. Elizabeth says:

    I work in a school. (Don’t cry for me, Argentina. No, do.) I have a student aide who raises goats and they just had a new baby goat born. The office staff allowed her to get her contraband iPhone out so she could show us her baby goat.

    It was the cutest baby goat I have ever seen. And basically only 4x the size of an iPhone.

    Here’s a proposition for you — come work at a school, preferably mine which would mean relocating but I need some new entertainment during business hours, and you can be overworked, underpaid, underappreciated, and students may show you pictures of their baby goats.

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