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I found a new career. | Fetch My Flying Monkeys
Everyone needs a fleet of flying monkeys to rip the stuffing out of the annoying people in their lives
— Laura

I’ve decided that I don’t want to work as an office drone anymore where I sit at a desk for up to ten hours a day under humming florescent lights, breathing recycled air that’s more than likely recycled from a TB ward, wishing secretly that the cold hand of death would free me ’cause nothing else will because my retirement plan was sodomized then shanked and left to die in a back alley by the government. And it doesn’t look like my presidential campaign is going anywhere. But that’s okay; I’ve decided to go bigger. That’s right. I’m going to go Hollywood. I’m going to be the next Angelina Jolie. You heard it here first. The only thing that stands between me and fame is my laziness, lack of drive, and constant napping. Fuck you sleep apnea, you ruined my hopes and dreams, I mean, besides me having no talent. But you guys don’t give a shit. No, you came here to see if my posse and I caught the pervert better known as The Shandon Wiener Whacker.

Police rendering of The Shandon Wiener Whacker

No we didn’t. That motherfucker changed neighborhoods on us and got nabbed by the police after he whacked his wiener at a woman in a car wash. Here he is:

Actual photo of The Shandon Wiener Whacker.

 Hmm, I think I now know what career my no talent and lack of drive has been leading me to. Police sketch artist. I bet I can nap in between the renderin’ too.

81 Comments
 

81 Responses to I found a new career.

  1. Suzanne says:

    Laura, I do suspect you are going to be very famous one day. The question is, for what?

  2. Princess says:

    I am SHOCKED.. I really thought it would be an older person. Like much older..WOW!

    • Laura says:

      Yeah, we forget there are baby pervs.

    • SB Smith says:

      Me too….I imagined some creepy, almost geriatric creep.
      Laura, I thought you were going to say your new occupation was “Professional Assasin”….and I was gonna work up a short list of irritating people (my own stab list) to start with.
      My only problem would be I probably couldn’t afford your fees.
      :-D

  3. Jennifer says:

    LMAO! God, I always thought the Columbia police sketches were always just awful, now I know I was right!

  4. Ryan says:

    Now, this guy could get laid if he wanted to. Maybe if he smiled.

  5. Sterling says:

    Ooooo, he looks very mean, and scary..EEEEKKk!

  6. Heather says:

    I was really hoping you all would catch him!

  7. Tink says:

    “CUT IT OFF”. JUST CUT IT OFF.

  8. ALTIMA says:

    YOU WOULD MAKE AN AWESOME SKETCH ARTIST…

  9. Yabu says:

    I’m sorry you didn’t get a little taser practice. I can’t imagine being based on the Johnson. I peed on an electric ONCE when a was a young boy. That has never and will never happen again.

  10. Jess says:

    Other than the the three day beard, the sketch has absolutely no resemblance to the wiener whacker.

    Be careful, there might be more than one working the area. You might yet get to taser a wiener whacker.

  11. Alison says:

    You should go to Hollywood and be a police sketch artist. All your drawings would look like GC, and eventually they would have to bring him to you.

  12. Mr. Bingley says:

    At the car wash!
    Whacking at the car wash, girl!
    Come on and whack it with me
    Car wash!

  13. The Nickster says:

    I think he has a purdy face. That’s how you roll down there, right?…

  14. zonker says:

    Actually, that’s not why I came here at all. I was told there would be sprinkles.

  15. Shane Cranford says:

    from the differences between the sketch and photo, i’t would appear that this guy not only grew a beard but overcame male pattern baldness??? Or perhaps there was some miscommunication between the witnesses and the sketch artist about seeing a little bald guy.

  16. Too bad you didn’t get to whack it off the Whacker.

    But take heart: there will always be another Whacker waiting to take his place ;)

  17. Liz says:

    I’m not sure you’d be “awesome” as an sketch artist but you sure the hell would be better than whoever drew that Wanker. Not only was he balding in the sketch but he had a much wider nose and way too skinny eye brows. Damn, my cat could have done a better job without thumbs to hold the pencil.

  18. SB Smith says:

    Someone will make that vermin his Bitch in prison.

  19. Mark12A says:

    Start off small. Be the person who flips through the mugshot files. If you can operate a mouse while napping, you’re in. Beats the old photo albums they used back in The Day.

  20. Gary says:

    They would have had better luck had they tried to draw the penis that was seen, Ex Girlfriends would have identified him the same day…
    You know the pay weather people on TV good money to be sometimes right…and you could take naps in between news cast…

  21. Awesome career move Laura. Your renderings are way better than the one above–no wonder he could switch neighborhoods with ease.
    I think you should send some renderings of Crazy Betty with the floppy titties to all the neighboring police departments, you know they know her.
    And they’ll be all “shit, we have to hire her. I hear she’ll work for (circus) peanuts.”

    Of course, If they are stupid sonsabitch cops and it doesn’t work out, you could always be a fire eater in the circus. I mean, you have the gin.

  22. Dammit, forgot to change my address. Well, you can fix it to this new one while I’m in moderation purgatory.

  23. I just keep repeating “wiener-whacker” over and over in my head because, come on, that shit is funny and I’m 12.

  24. Nicole says:

    Yeah, your renderings are at least as accurate and much more entertaining.

  25. CGHill says:

    I have one of those 401(wtf) plans; there’s enough in there to keep me going until a week from Tuesday.

  26. Double chin, neck beard, slightly dazed look: Are we sure he’s not actually a quarterback for the Chicago Bears?

  27. cricket says:

    Good News, everybody. No more weiners will be whacked in the area. Well, at least not out in public. At unsuspecting women.

  28. So that’s what my old boss has been up to recently! I’ll bet the boys in the slammer have something in the works to take his mind off weenie whackin’.

  29. Jess says:

    Since your post, I think there have been at least two dozen cop shows with police sketch artists.

    I think you need to apply for the part. Become typecast as a police artist so absolutely no police show will be complete without your bit part as the police sketch artist.

    You can have fun sketching goats and making the whole crew laugh when they realize the sketch looks just like the caterer.

  30. HeadBitch says:

    Pull one of these babies out when someone knocks their weenie on a window – problem solved! http://tiny.cc/cBPf2b

    ;)

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