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And I shall call him “My Precious.” | Fetch My Flying Monkeys
Everyone needs a fleet of flying monkeys to rip the stuffing out of the annoying people in their lives
— Laura

This past weekend my posse and I went to Charleston and since one of them was sick and couldn’t come the last time we went there, we stopped at The Center for Birds of Prey and did the tour and flight demonstration again because it’s an awesome place and besides, I needed to start working on my plan.

Phase One: Find the perfect murder weapon.

The first bird out was a Eurasian Eagle-Owl.

They had him fly all over, even over our heads to experience its silent flight. They told us about their diet and habitat. And then they asked us if we had any questions.

I raised my hand and asked “Can you train them to kill people?” The guy just kind of looked at me and said ”I don’t think so.” I shrugged. Then out came a Red-Tailed Hawk.

They had this guy fly from post to post and talked about his speed and diet.

When they asked if anyone had any questions I again raised my hand and asked ”Can it be trained to kill people?” The guy laughed nervously and said something like “These birds basically do what they do naturally, such as hunt other birds and small mammals.” I shrugged disappointedly.

Then they brought out an African Kite.

This guy catches his prey, usually a dragonfly or any big flying bug, in mid-air with his feet and will spin whilst eating it. 

When they asked if anyone had any questions I didn’t raise my hand because apparently this bird only eats bugs. I’m not stupid. Besides, I knew the answer to my question wasn’t amongst these birds, so I started looking through the aviaries on my own.  

These guys seemed promising, but I sensed they weren’t too trustworthy.

But then I saw this spunky guy.

 

Phase Two:  Suggest a ”Bring Your Pet To Work Day.”

Phase Three: Enjoy a bitch-free work place.

80 Comments
 

80 Responses to And I shall call him “My Precious.”

  1. Yabu says:

    I sno nuff loves me some birds of prey, cepting when they start giving Stretch the eagle eye.

    Have you seen this?

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Adfk_RSndb4

  2. Jennifer says:

    Great pics! And can I borrow My Precious when you’re done? lol!

  3. Heather says:

    Wow! Precious is gorgeous! All of them are. That owl is huge!

  4. Tad says:

    Those are some of the most freaking awesome pictures I have eva eva seen…. Bring your happiness to work day… Priceless !!!

  5. Tink says:

    First of all ” HAPPY LEAP DAY”… the rest is just plain “AWE”.

  6. Princess says:

    WOW! you look like you were fairly close there. that is so cool. can you touch them? or will they eat you? I’m gonna have to find something like that around here somewhere. I’m sure they have them everywhere….right,RIGHT?.

    • Laura says:

      You can touch them if you enjoy watching an animal rip off your flesh and eat it.

      I’m pretty sure you can find a raptor center near you. They do good things for these creatures and it’s a good thing to help support.

  7. I’m overdosing from the full of win that this here post has achieved.

    I think you should also have some owls, along with Fluffy. Fluffy can hunt by day, and those that for some miracle escape can be dispatched by the owls at night. This way you are covered 24/7.

  8. The Nickster says:

    I have a parakeet with a taser duct-taped to him. Works like a charm even though he doesn’t have an opposable thumb.

  9. Love it!

    Given ‘em the old “evil eagle eye” will make ‘em back away slowly!

  10. BoneyButt says:

    I love talking birds!!

  11. Alison says:

    Death by raptor. I bet it’s a particulary scary and painful death, since it probably takes lots of talon slashes and beak bites to drain the victim of blood. Unless you train Precious to go straight for the jugular, but that doesn’t seem sporting now, does it?

  12. Kim says:

    There’s something cleansing about watching that youtube, especially for the deer. I mean.
    Those birdies are just freaking awesome. I wish one had been with me on the way to work.
    Speaking of Thelma, we saw Thelma in the bushes over the weekend as we walked Dot. She sneered at us.

  13. Fluffy says:

    I heard that if you have insurance through State Farm, they buy you a falcon!

    Also, when I got into work this morning, the elevator smelled like Circus Peanuts and I immediately thought of you! :)

  14. Erik says:

    Owls are awesome. I took a pic of a Snowy Owl and posted it to my blog last month,

    Years ago I had a owl “buzz” me whilst I was out hiking the hills looking for stuff to take pics of. Needless to say, once an owl buzzes you, you tend to turn tail and say, ‘OK bud…your territory….me turning around….”.

    Best thing about having a trained bird: When they kill, its not your fault.(Heh Heh Heh….)

  15. You’ll know the bitches have started reading your blog if they all show up for work dressed like big ass bugs.

  16. ManhattanMaven says:

    I just LOVE the way your mind works!! LMFAO!!

  17. Auntie Dee says:

    May I borrow Your Precious? I will bring fish tacos for lunch and give them to the “girls” in the office. Then I will set Your Precious free to hunt. I promise to have Your Precious back to you fairly quickly as there are only three that I will offer these tacos to!

  18. Liz says:

    Phase One: Find the perfect murder weapon.
    DONE – Bald Eagle = KILLING MACHINE

    Phase Two: Suggest a ”Bring Your Pet To Work Day.”
    PERFECT – The Bunch ‘O Bitches will bring their cute cats and dogs and they make great food for Precious as well.

    My suggestion for Phase Three: Suggest a “Dress like a salmon day.” at work.
    PERFECT – Bald Eagles love salmon. Fact. BOBs that dress like salmon will get eaten. Fact.

    Phase Three (then becomes Phase Four if my suggestion is used): Enjoy a bitch-free work place.

    You go girl!!

  19. untbunny says:

    OMG! My day is complete. The awesomeness of bitch killing Eagles AND COPS on TV at the same time. I can now die happy.

  20. Diana says:

    This plan is so perfect, I can’t believe I never thought of it myself. Soooon……

  21. Jena says:

    purty birds!

    please tell me you really did NOT ask that!

  22. guffaw says:

    @Liz
    Salmon?
    As in salmon Janet evening?

  23. Maeve says:

    O.M.G. I MUST have the precious!!!!!! I’ll help you liberate them and we can train them to kill the bitches.

  24. kim says:

    you must have the Best FBI file :)

  25. cricket says:

    Red tailed hawks and eagles are one reason the cat isn’t allowed outside for long. She’s bitchy but not quite THAT bitchy.

    There are many geese and cranes around this time of year. I wonder if they could be trained?… Hrm….

    • Laura says:

      When Jack was a puppy a hawk tried to get him. It would have too if I hadn’t stepped out from under the porch when I did.
      Geese can be mighty cranky. It would be cool to have an attack goose.

      • Mark12A says:

        Geese would congregate along my running path and drop big goose turds on the pavement. Those things are slippery; someone could break their neck. Any murder you would commit with trained geese would look like an unavoidable slip and fall accident.

      • cricket says:

        Agreed. Geese are really cranky if you don’t have bread for them. And if you do, they get more cranky because they want more.

        Hawk couldn’t get Jack now. He’s too bad ass. BAD ASS I tell ‘ya!

        Wanted to get the flocks going by this morning but my video on my phone is suck ass. I do admire the capabilities of the iPhone camera and video.

  26. Mrs. Who says:

    I’ve got an annoying doxie in the backyard that you can use for training. And after that deer video, I’m wondering why the hell that doxie is still out there. You’d actually be helping me out…

  27. Jan says:

    I saw two bald eagles this morning as I was getting onto that car at Beach 4, over on the WA coast. Totally freaking awesome!!!

  28. CGHill says:

    That eagle in Phase 3 reminds me of the bird emblem on Last Warning notices from the IRS: it has the same “You don’t even want to mess with me” expression. Which has to be useful, if you’ve ever worked with bitches.

  29. I think that guy is just covering. Those effers can TOTALLY be trained to kill people. Why else would buddy be hanging out with them all the time?

  30. Jena says:

    I think that woman wore the scarf, NOT because it’s cold….. nope, she wore it to try to protect her throat!

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