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Warning: Creating default object from empty value in /home/jimstant/public_html/fetchmyflyingmonkeys/wp-content/themes/platformpro/admin/class.options.metapanel.php on line 49 And I shall call him “My Precious.” | Fetch My Flying Monkeys
This past weekend my posse and I went to Charleston and since one of them was sick and couldn’t come the last time we went there, we stopped at The Center for Birds of Prey and did the tour and flight demonstration again because it’s an awesome place and besides, I needed to start working on my plan.
Phase One: Find the perfect murder weapon.
The first bird out was a Eurasian Eagle-Owl.
They had him fly all over, even over our heads to experience its silent flight. They told us about their diet and habitat. And then they asked us if we had any questions.
I raised my hand and asked “Can you train them to kill people?” The guy just kind of looked at me and said ”I don’t think so.” I shrugged. Then out came a Red-Tailed Hawk.
They had this guy fly from post to post and talked about his speed and diet.
When they asked if anyone had any questions I again raised my hand and asked ”Can it be trained to kill people?” The guy laughed nervously and said something like “These birds basically do what they do naturally, such as hunt other birds and small mammals.” I shrugged disappointedly.
Then they brought out an African Kite.
This guy catches his prey, usually a dragonfly or any big flying bug, in mid-air with his feet and will spin whilst eating it.
When they asked if anyone had any questions I didn’t raise my hand because apparently this bird only eats bugs. I’m not stupid. Besides, I knew the answer to my question wasn’t amongst these birds, so I started looking through the aviaries on my own.
These guys seemed promising, but I sensed they weren’t too trustworthy.
But then I saw this spunky guy.
Phase Two: Suggest a ”Bring Your Pet To Work Day.”
WOW! you look like you were fairly close there. that is so cool. can you touch them? or will they eat you? I’m gonna have to find something like that around here somewhere. I’m sure they have them everywhere….right,RIGHT?.
It really is. They directed these guys with food- chunks of meat. They feed most mice that they gut because the birds don’t eat the guts and it saves them from cleaning up mice guts all day.
I’m overdosing from the full of win that this here post has achieved.
I think you should also have some owls, along with Fluffy. Fluffy can hunt by day, and those that for some miracle escape can be dispatched by the owls at night. This way you are covered 24/7.
Death by raptor. I bet it’s a particulary scary and painful death, since it probably takes lots of talon slashes and beak bites to drain the victim of blood. Unless you train Precious to go straight for the jugular, but that doesn’t seem sporting now, does it?
There’s something cleansing about watching that youtube, especially for the deer. I mean.
Those birdies are just freaking awesome. I wish one had been with me on the way to work.
Speaking of Thelma, we saw Thelma in the bushes over the weekend as we walked Dot. She sneered at us.
Owls are awesome. I took a pic of a Snowy Owl and posted it to my blog last month,
Years ago I had a owl “buzz” me whilst I was out hiking the hills looking for stuff to take pics of. Needless to say, once an owl buzzes you, you tend to turn tail and say, ‘OK bud…your territory….me turning around….”.
Best thing about having a trained bird: When they kill, its not your fault.(Heh Heh Heh….)
May I borrow Your Precious? I will bring fish tacos for lunch and give them to the “girls” in the office. Then I will set Your Precious free to hunt. I promise to have Your Precious back to you fairly quickly as there are only three that I will offer these tacos to!
Phase One: Find the perfect murder weapon.
DONE – Bald Eagle = KILLING MACHINE
Phase Two: Suggest a ”Bring Your Pet To Work Day.”
PERFECT – The Bunch ‘O Bitches will bring their cute cats and dogs and they make great food for Precious as well.
My suggestion for Phase Three: Suggest a “Dress like a salmon day.” at work.
PERFECT – Bald Eagles love salmon. Fact. BOBs that dress like salmon will get eaten. Fact.
Phase Three (then becomes Phase Four if my suggestion is used): Enjoy a bitch-free work place.
When Jack was a puppy a hawk tried to get him. It would have too if I hadn’t stepped out from under the porch when I did.
Geese can be mighty cranky. It would be cool to have an attack goose.
Geese would congregate along my running path and drop big goose turds on the pavement. Those things are slippery; someone could break their neck. Any murder you would commit with trained geese would look like an unavoidable slip and fall accident.
I’ve got an annoying doxie in the backyard that you can use for training. And after that deer video, I’m wondering why the hell that doxie is still out there. You’d actually be helping me out…
Some asshole shot a bald eagle in Tuscaloosa county a day or so ago. It’s recovering at the Raptor Center at Auburn University. When they’ve finished with the Bunch O’ Bitches, I may have another target for your avian wet work team.
That eagle in Phase 3 reminds me of the bird emblem on Last Warning notices from the IRS: it has the same “You don’t even want to mess with me” expression. Which has to be useful, if you’ve ever worked with bitches.
I sno nuff loves me some birds of prey, cepting when they start giving Stretch the eagle eye.
Have you seen this?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Adfk_RSndb4
YES! AND I so want one!
Brings new meaning to “death from above”, eh?
Definitely. Didn’t stand a chance. Now I want one for a pet. I shall name it “Fluffy.”
After me? Awww, thank you!!! And yes, I would be honored to be it’s god-parent!
He will expect gifts on birthdays and Christmas.
Naming mine Sam.
He’ll eliminate any door to door salesmen.
Oooo or any JW.
Great pics! And can I borrow My Precious when you’re done? lol!
I should rent him out.
Wow! Precious is gorgeous! All of them are. That owl is huge!
Beautiful birds- all of them.
Those are some of the most freaking awesome pictures I have eva eva seen…. Bring your happiness to work day… Priceless !!!
Thank you. I have more! One can never take too many bird pics.
First of all ” HAPPY LEAP DAY”… the rest is just plain “AWE”.
Happy Leap Year to you!
WOW! you look like you were fairly close there. that is so cool. can you touch them? or will they eat you? I’m gonna have to find something like that around here somewhere. I’m sure they have them everywhere….right,RIGHT?.
You can touch them if you enjoy watching an animal rip off your flesh and eat it.
I’m pretty sure you can find a raptor center near you. They do good things for these creatures and it’s a good thing to help support.
I was at the San Diego Zoo once at Raptor feeding time. Un-fucking believable.
It really is. They directed these guys with food- chunks of meat. They feed most mice that they gut because the birds don’t eat the guts and it saves them from cleaning up mice guts all day.
I’m overdosing from the full of win that this here post has achieved.
I think you should also have some owls, along with Fluffy. Fluffy can hunt by day, and those that for some miracle escape can be dispatched by the owls at night. This way you are covered 24/7.
Good idea. You should be a war scientist.
I have a parakeet with a taser duct-taped to him. Works like a charm even though he doesn’t have an opposable thumb.
OMG I would pay money to see your parakeet attack you with a taser attached. (Sorry I got this visual and it cracks me up.)
I can’t say there haven’t been some technical issues.
HAHAHA!
Love it!
Given ‘em the old “evil eagle eye” will make ‘em back away slowly!
Or better yet, let the eagle grab their throats with it’s talons.
I love talking birds!!
Especially when they have murder on their minds.
Death by raptor. I bet it’s a particulary scary and painful death, since it probably takes lots of talon slashes and beak bites to drain the victim of blood. Unless you train Precious to go straight for the jugular, but that doesn’t seem sporting now, does it?
Hmmmm.. I guess pecking their eyes out and slashing them up a bit is more sporting. It would definitely be more entertaining.
There’s something cleansing about watching that youtube, especially for the deer. I mean.
Those birdies are just freaking awesome. I wish one had been with me on the way to work.
Speaking of Thelma, we saw Thelma in the bushes over the weekend as we walked Dot. She sneered at us.
That sounds like her. I bet she judged you too. It’s her thing.
I think raptors are totally awesome. Second to goats of course.
I heard that if you have insurance through State Farm, they buy you a falcon!
Also, when I got into work this morning, the elevator smelled like Circus Peanuts and I immediately thought of you!
Ooo they should make an air freshener scented like that.
I would LOVE to have a falcon too.
Owls are awesome. I took a pic of a Snowy Owl and posted it to my blog last month,
Years ago I had a owl “buzz” me whilst I was out hiking the hills looking for stuff to take pics of. Needless to say, once an owl buzzes you, you tend to turn tail and say, ‘OK bud…your territory….me turning around….”.
Best thing about having a trained bird: When they kill, its not your fault.(Heh Heh Heh….)
I KNOW! No pesky DNA to hide.
Oooooo I missed your Snowy Owl and will have to go looking for it! J had an owl almost hit his head once.
You’ll know the bitches have started reading your blog if they all show up for work dressed like big ass bugs.
Ha! Like Palmetto Bugs? I’d arm myself with some Raid and go all exterminator on their asses.
I just LOVE the way your mind works!! LMFAO!!
It frightens J.
J is a SAINT!! A Nazi…but a saint nonetheless…LOL!
Indeed he is. And very patient.
May I borrow Your Precious? I will bring fish tacos for lunch and give them to the “girls” in the office. Then I will set Your Precious free to hunt. I promise to have Your Precious back to you fairly quickly as there are only three that I will offer these tacos to!
I really need to research eagle renting.
Phase One: Find the perfect murder weapon.
DONE – Bald Eagle = KILLING MACHINE
Phase Two: Suggest a ”Bring Your Pet To Work Day.”
PERFECT – The Bunch ‘O Bitches will bring their cute cats and dogs and they make great food for Precious as well.
My suggestion for Phase Three: Suggest a “Dress like a salmon day.” at work.
PERFECT – Bald Eagles love salmon. Fact. BOBs that dress like salmon will get eaten. Fact.
Phase Three (then becomes Phase Four if my suggestion is used): Enjoy a bitch-free work place.
You go girl!!
HAHA! Well, they already smell like fish….too gross? Well, yes it is.
OMG! My day is complete. The awesomeness of bitch killing Eagles AND COPS on TV at the same time. I can now die happy.
HA! I am glad I could help you out.
This plan is so perfect, I can’t believe I never thought of it myself. Soooon……
Yes, soon…
purty birds!
please tell me you really did NOT ask that!
I did.
@Liz
Salmon?
As in salmon Janet evening?
HaHa!
O.M.G. I MUST have the precious!!!!!! I’ll help you liberate them and we can train them to kill the bitches.
YES!!
you must have the Best FBI file
I bet I do too! I should request a copy and post it here. Ha!
Red tailed hawks and eagles are one reason the cat isn’t allowed outside for long. She’s bitchy but not quite THAT bitchy.
There are many geese and cranes around this time of year. I wonder if they could be trained?… Hrm….
When Jack was a puppy a hawk tried to get him. It would have too if I hadn’t stepped out from under the porch when I did.
Geese can be mighty cranky. It would be cool to have an attack goose.
Geese would congregate along my running path and drop big goose turds on the pavement. Those things are slippery; someone could break their neck. Any murder you would commit with trained geese would look like an unavoidable slip and fall accident.
Ooo slip and slide death, eh?
Agreed. Geese are really cranky if you don’t have bread for them. And if you do, they get more cranky because they want more.
Hawk couldn’t get Jack now. He’s too bad ass. BAD ASS I tell ‘ya!
Wanted to get the flocks going by this morning but my video on my phone is suck ass. I do admire the capabilities of the iPhone camera and video.
I love my iPhone.
I’ve got an annoying doxie in the backyard that you can use for training. And after that deer video, I’m wondering why the hell that doxie is still out there. You’d actually be helping me out…
I have an annoying doxie too!
You can have a pair of annoying doxies…I’ll even pay you to take this one…
NOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo! One is enough.
I saw two bald eagles this morning as I was getting onto that car at Beach 4, over on the WA coast. Totally freaking awesome!!!
We have some here by the lake. And they are totally awesome.
Some asshole shot a bald eagle in Tuscaloosa county a day or so ago. It’s recovering at the Raptor Center at Auburn University. When they’ve finished with the Bunch O’ Bitches, I may have another target for your avian wet work team.
People like that need their asses handed to them.
That eagle in Phase 3 reminds me of the bird emblem on Last Warning notices from the IRS: it has the same “You don’t even want to mess with me” expression. Which has to be useful, if you’ve ever worked with bitches.
Ha! I wish I knew this years ago.
I think that guy is just covering. Those effers can TOTALLY be trained to kill people. Why else would buddy be hanging out with them all the time?
I know, right!?
I think that woman wore the scarf, NOT because it’s cold….. nope, she wore it to try to protect her throat!
I bet so too.