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Warning: Sparkly vampires ahead. | Fetch My Flying Monkeys
Everyone needs a fleet of flying monkeys to rip the stuffing out of the annoying people in their lives
— Laura

This past weekend I rented the latest Twilight movie “Breaking Dawn: Part 1″ because it had just released for rental and I refuse to go to a theater full of thirteen year old girls to watch it. Now listen, I know these movies are shit. The story is crap, the acting is crap, the special effects are crap, but I LOVE THEM. I really do. In this latest one emo Bella and Edward played by Robert Pattinson (my imaginary boyfriend) get married and Bella gets impregnated the first night and it grows really fast in her belly and she’s too weak and stupid and it’s quickly killing her and Jacob the werewolf is all pissy wanting to kill Edward, but he helps, because, well, he’s Jacob, and he is all sensitive and shit.

So I’m watching this movie, drinking some limoncello, and it ends and I’m all emotional because I’m half tanked and on pain meds and J called me and I’m all “Oh my God Jacob imprinted on the baby so he didn’t kill it!” and J’s all “Oh. God. Not Twilight again.” and I’m all “Yes! I love it!”. Then I told him all about the movie because I was all chatty and drunk, and he listened, or maybe he set the phone down, I don’t know. Then I said “That baby was pretty.” and he’s all “WAIT…WHAT? You thought a baby was pretty? You of all people?” and I’m all “Well, I’m sure it was special effects, CGI and all.” He laughed and said “I really don’t believe I just heard you say you liked a baby.” and it kind of pissed me off because it was like he was taunting me “Laura likes a baby na na na na na” and he was getting me off track telling him about the movie so I said “Listen, that baby basically killed Bella so now I’m on ‘Team Bella’s Baby Who Killed Her”, a’ight?” and I hung up on him. Twilight hatin’ Nazi sonsabitch.

57 Comments
 

57 Responses to Warning: Sparkly vampires ahead.

  1. Yabu says:

    I must be way out of the loop because I’ve never even heard of Twilight. I did rent Cowboys and Aliens, though.

    • Laura says:

      You must be living in a cage. Tell the JuJu Woman to let you out and watch only one of the most obnoxiously bad movie series of your lifetime. I love it.

  2. Tink says:

    Mmmmm.. Killer babies.. sounds good.

  3. Jennifer says:

    I LOVE TWILIGHT TOO!

  4. Jess says:

    I’ve had an idea for the last Twilight movie. In it, Bella and Edward are stranded on a deserted island without any animals.

    In the end, Bella demands Edward drink some of her blood to survive, so he does, although he doesn’t want to.

    After drinking her blood, he finds out it’s like drinking decaf with Equal and they end up dying.

    Yeah, I know, but Bella is damn near transparent, so her blood must be really weak.

  5. Heather says:

    I’m Team Jacob! And yes, the movies are crap AND I LOVE THEM! lol

  6. Mr. Bingley says:

    Limoncello?

    Shouldn’t you be drinking Coor’s Light (the Silver Bullet) instead, for safety’s sake?

  7. BoneyButt says:

    I have to agree with J on this one…you liked a baby??? Oh my Gawd…the world is coming to an end, I must go get real caffeine to survive!!

  8. The Nickster says:

    Holy shit…you’re pregnant!!! This is a clear foreshadowing. You need to stop the pain meds and the ‘limoncello’ (puke) and have J pick you up some pickles and icecream…and circus peanuts, of course. Have you picked out a name yet?

  9. I’ve somehow managed to bypass the whole Twilight phenomena, but if it involves infantile murderers (babies killing people and/or vampires – not the other way around), I’m probably missing out on something good. To the library!

    • Laura says:

      I couldn’t help it. Once I watched one… and believe me, they’re just awful and Bella- Kristen Stewart has to be the worst actress ever.

      • Curtal Friar says:

        Hmmm…haven’t watched any of the Twilight movies or read any of the books, so I can’t really comment on the cinematic value.

        However, if you like crappy acting on the part of Kristen Stewart, you might be interested in knowing that she will be starring in….ba dum bum….

        Snow White And The Huntsman

        Coming this summer to a theater near you. Apparently, Snow White falls in love with the hunstman, he trains her to be a lethal killing machine, and then they traipse around the countryside wiping out the forces of evil.

      • Jena says:

        “I couldn’t help it. Once I watched one… and believe me, they’re just awful and Bella- Kristen Stewart has to be the worst actress ever.”

        EXACTLY…. train wreck!

  10. Fluffy says:

    My car has metallic paint, so it sparkles in sunlight, too! :)

  11. And….you just ruined the whole movie for me! I have not seen it yet, because I was waiting to watch it after Part 2 was released so I wouldn’t forget what happened in Part 1. Because that’s what happened when they split the last book of Harry Potter into two movies. Asswipes! Thanks alot! Preciate Cha.

  12. mindy says:

    I actually liked the movie! I know, I know. I didn’t want to, but I did! And I was stone cold sober when I watched it….

  13. Mark12A says:

    While suffering from terminal ennui, I read your blogs from 2007. And I’m getting paid for this…here’s what has stuck with me, which is weird, since your post is sort of about babies…

    “Hush little baby don’t you cry; mama’s gonna get some Charmin two-ply…”

  14. A vampire baby that kills such a vapid chick?

    What’s not to like about it??

  15. Jena says:

    Twilight…I just grinned like Sookie thru the whole movie, Im fascinated with train wrecks. Seriously, i had a goofy grin plastered on my face and nary a drink! Yours sounded good! The books are better of course.

  16. Jena says:

    ps… I have Sean FINALLY hooked on True Blood!

  17. Jeffro says:

    Perhaps I need some quality “off market” pharmaceuticals and high test booze in order to watch the “Twilight” movies. Ain’t happenin’ otherwise.

  18. True story: I got conned into taking my 13 year old sister in law and a bunch of her friends to the second movie in theaters.

    The beginning it was all “OMG HE’S SO HOT!!”, then warewolf boy had to rip his shirt off. After that it was ALL SCREAMING. Everytime he was on screen.

    I can still hear the echos of their screams, to this very day….Biggest mistake of my life.

    But, like you, for some reason, I can’t help but watch the damn movies!

  19. rdennis says:

    I got yur sparkly vampires. Right here. Guess there is no accounting for tastes! :P

  20. Oh my God…..I get a dose of the dreaded virus from hell, spend nearly 2 months wishing I could die so I’d feel better and I come back to find Laura’s turned into a GURL! I’ve got to get back on a full dose of my meds right away before you start postin’ pictures of the flying monkeys in pink tutus!

  21. [...] Laura sits through a Twilight film so you don’t have to: The story is crap, the acting is crap, the special effects are crap, but I LOVE THEM. I really do. In this latest one emo Bella and Edward played by Robert Pattinson (my imaginary boyfriend) get married and Bella gets impregnated the first night and it grows really fast in her belly and she’s too weak and stupid and it’s quickly killing her and Jacob the werewolf is all pissy wanting to kill Edward, but he helps, because, well, he’s Jacob, and he is all sensitive and shit. [...]

  22. Meredith Burleigh says:

    Team Edward, Baby! All that intelligence, style, SEX HAIR, romance and the undoubtably huge sparkle peen? What’s not to love?!?

  23. Us *real* lovers of Twilight call him “Jake”.

  24. Can I be on Team Bella’s Baby Who Killed Her, too?

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