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Whitney’s still dead and I don’t feel too good either. | Fetch My Flying Monkeys
Everyone needs a fleet of flying monkeys to rip the stuffing out of the annoying people in their lives
— Laura

I came home last night to the chirp chirp chirp of dying batteries in the smoke detector outside my bedroom and although I own a ladder, I wasn’t about to climb up and change the batteries because I injured my back last week and it still hurts and I wasn’t about to injure it further. I put up with the chirping for about half an hour and then I went kind of batshit crazy and beat the hell out of it with a broom handle until it stopped. About twenty minutes later the smoke detector in the kitchen started chirping too and I went equally batshit crazy with a broom on it and because apparently my house is haunted with ghosts that fuck with smoke detector batteries I bashed the one in the den for good measure BECAUSE I’M PROACTIVE LIKE THAT. I don’t know when I’ll replace them or even if I’ll replace them. It does give me comfort knowing how I will die. You know, in a fire, of which I will be blissfully unaware until engulfed by flames.

Now here’s a valentine I made for y’all:

Happy Valentine's Day!

80 Comments
 

80 Responses to Whitney’s still dead and I don’t feel too good either.

  1. Heather says:

    Happy Valentine’s Day!

    I haven’t had batteries in my smoke detectors since 1995! LOL!

  2. Jennifer says:

    Nothing more aggravating than a chirping smoke alarm. Well, there are things more aggravating, but you can’t think of them over all that chirping! lol

  3. Riley says:

    Happy V-Day to you Laura!

  4. Tad says:

    Maybe you get your goat today…..Com’on “J”….

  5. Tink says:

    Happy Valentines Day!!!!!

  6. Jess says:

    Nothing shows greater sentiment than a photo of a goat.

  7. Hoody Hoo says:

    Aww, a goat! And BTW, Chuckweasel’s smoke alarm battery-death beep (in his own apartment, mind you) went off for MONTHS without ever bothering him, but every time he called me I could hear it beeping. It finally drove ME so crazy I went out and bought a 9-volt and just handed it to him and said “Fix. Your fucking. Smoke alarm.” Well played, Chuckweasel, well played.

  8. BoneyButt says:

    Does this mean we’re getting close to goat appreciate month? Happy V-Day

  9. Yabu says:

    I don’t usually wish a woman Happy Valentine’s Day, other than the Juju Woman. But, for you, I’m making an exception.

    HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY!!!

    I was dropping some hints that a nice cross bow would be in order, but that was not to be. Instead, I received 250 rounds of .357 and 250 rounds of .45.

    Could be worse.

    I’ll be cooking tonight.

  10. Jena says:

    Happy VD, Laura!

    Go be proactive at Crazy Betty’s!

  11. QueenBee says:

    Happy Valentine’s Day to you, J and the goat/. *- My cat is trying to help me here… -0 6yyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy,t I, too, go crazzy at the sound of the beep beep++++++++!

  12. MorningGlory says:

    May your VD be filled with baby goats and baby otters. Tell Jack to change the batteries in the smoke detectors…isn’t that what you keep him around for? ‘Bout time he started earning his keep!

  13. diane says:

    love everything about this post. so much that you should go read mine for today.
    xoxo

  14. Elphaba says:

    It does give me comfort knowing how I will die. You know, in a fire, of which I will be blissfully unaware until engulfed by flames.

    Naw, smoke inhalation will probably kill you before the flames engulf you. That is, unless you fell asleep in bed with a lit cigarette between your lips. Or unless Thelma set your hair on fire.

    Happy Valentine’s Day, Laura…thanks for the great entertainment!

  15. The Nickster says:

    I see kind of a Joan or Arc thing in your future. “Saint Laura of the Blog” has a certain je ne sais quoi. Happy V-day…have to go make bacon with the wife…I mean for the wife.

  16. Bob says:

    What? No call to J or lapse into total whiney female mode? Sounds like your year is looking up. This is the Laura we constantly refresh for. The one who shows us that even lifes simplest problems are easily solved with violence.

    Fear the broom. (I laugh just imagining what that rendering would look like.)

    • Laura says:

      HA! I rarely lapse into a whiney sobby “girl.” Seriously. And I’m always ashamed when I do.

      And almost all things can be solved with violence. And gin. And baby goats.

  17. Larry says:

    How did you…never mind, I’ve decided I really don’t want to know. Hope you get to feeling better soon.

    Happy Valentines Day!

  18. Fluffy says:

    I feel sorry for the poor third alarm, that didn’t do anything wrong. Also, I don’t mean to bum anyone out, but I just heard that Generalissimo Francisco Franco is still dead. I hope you have a Happy Valentine’s Day, anyway!

  19. rdennis says:

    NOW I remember why I check in here and read your stuff! Great poem. Little soft on rhyme and meter, but hey, you tried and by golly that is what is most important! ;-)

  20. rdennis says:

    By the way, why is there an angry pussy on the top of your blog?

  21. Nicole says:

    Awesome card. And I am so relieved to know other people deal with those damn batteries the same way we do. I believe on it still chirping in a field across from some duplexes. It chirped even after removing battery so husband ripped it down & chucked it across the road. :)

  22. Bob says:

    I just realized that there have been no pictures of the Valentines day holiday wall. Have the Bunch-O-Bitches totally taken over? Will we ever see party spidey again? I mean nothing says Happy Valentines Day like a spider web of love.

  23. Mark12A says:

    Nothing says “Happy Valentine’s Day” better than a six-pack of Blue Moon and a viagra.

  24. Liz says:

    Am I the only one that thinks we are all wishing each other a venereall disease (VD)? Maybe I’m just a sicko.

    Happy Valentine’s Day to you Laura and to all your readers.

    Here’s a little poem for you:

    Laura’s VD poem lacked a rhyme.
    This is akin to committing a crime.
    But the goat was so adorable.
    That her poem was not totally horrible.

  25. SB Smith says:

    Happy Valentine’s Day !

    Gee, now that I think of it I don’t know when I heard ours chirp last. I’ll bet the battery was taken out but not replaced.

    Here’s a video of some people who go around counting bears and cubs in the winter time (while bears hibernate) and replace the Mom’s locator collar plus weigh and measure the cubs. Momma bears do Not hibernate…have to feed little ones.
    Fun video…no bears are harmed :-D and the 3 little ones are too cute. The guy is amusing, too.
    Hope the link works cause it doesn’t look like a normal youtube page.
    Assuming it works, here’s a Warm Fuzzy for your VD Day !
    7 min. 42 sec.
    http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=vJRDpTUIrJI&vq=medium

    • Laura says:

      I’d be damned if I’d want that job. Seriously. I mean the cubs are cute, but you’d stand no chance should the mother have insomnia. Happy VD!!

  26. Can dead fires be ghosts? Maybe that’s what your detectors are picking up.

  27. Michelle J says:

    Your poem and goat is so inspiring! It has inspired me to buy smoke detectors and a broom. Have a glorious VD!

  28. CGHill says:

    Having once been annoyed by an incessant LOW BATTERY beep by a cordless phone, I hurled the offending handset across the room.

    Yes, the little LCD screen is a trifle distorted these days, but by God it keeps its little electronic mouth shut.

  29. Roses are red,
    Violets are blue,
    I suck at rhyming,
    Nice tits.

    Happy Valentine’s Day, Laura.

  30. Jeffro says:

    It’s good to see others whose reactions to recalcitrant electronics is to beat the tar outta them. Either they go back to working, or they shatter, which means we gotta buy new. Which was what was coming in the first place, but now we feel so much better about it.

    Happy VD day to ya!

  31. Pug Mahon says:

    One of the small pleasures in my life is that the smoke detectors are hard-wired. No more shooting dying smoke alarms with my 9mm, which saves more rounds for any bad guys who might come bother me…not to mention reducing the pesky visits from our local constabulary for discharging weapons in the city.

    Actually kidding about opening fire in my house. Not kidding about wanting to, though.

  32. SB Smith says:

    We like our sausage a little burnt so when I broil sausage I always say “Dinner’s ready when you hear the smoke alarm go off.”

  33. cricket says:

    Husband made chicken wings. Thought he just burned the pan. The stupid m’f'ing fire alarms nearly made me deaf. I baked a couple of days later, open the oven and I go deaf. Fire alarms just singing with each other! I didn’t know that chicken wing goop had hit the bottom of the oven.

    I totally advocate fire alarm beating. 100%!

  34. Jo says:

    Kill all the smoke detectors! (Nice touch with the proactive, too!)

    Fifteen more votes from me for that lovely Valentine. Made my heart go all mushy.

  35. Sheri O says:

    I work at a restaurant and Valentine’s Day absolutely the pits if you are a restaurant worker. LOl I had wine coming out of my nose after I read your Valentine’s message! Happy belated V day to you and may all your goats come true! And yes I’ve disconnected all my smoke detectors years ago. I’d rather die in a ball of fire than just about any other death I can think of. My house is loaded with candles and ammunition, one tray of bacon in the broiler could end it all for me and I would be fine with that!

  36. For good measure. lol

    Cute goat.

  37. Fockinmeen says:

    I know a metaphor when I read one, so thanks for killing Whitney. Three times. I thought I had dibs on her, but now I get Joan Rivers fer sure. (I bought a new broom.)

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