Everyone needs a fleet of flying monkeys to rip the stuffing out of the annoying people in their lives
— Laura
So I slept on the couch the other night because that’s where my back feels better, and I don’t know if it was from sleeping on the couch or from the pain meds but I had another weird bullshit celebrity dream that I’m going to tell you about.
In this dream I was in a post-apocalyptic world and I was on horseback, riding alone along a burnt road. The horizon was all weird, and the vegetation was all singed from previously being nuked and I remember thinking I was probably going to get cancer soon when I heard someone yelling “Help.” I rode over toward the sound with one hand on my holster and I saw a dude standing by a horse. When I got close enough I saw it was Daniel Craig.
I said “What’s wrong, Daniel Craig?” and he said “Nothing.” I said “Weren’t you yelling for help?” He said “Yes, but Help is the name of my dog. He’s missing.” I thought it strange that he named his dog Help, but I knew actors were weird, especially British ones. I said “I’ll help you look for him, Daniel Craig.” He got on his horse and we headed out toward nothingness and I we chit-chatted and I started thinking I’d make sweet love to him after we found his dog because he was pretty hawt and it was the end of the world after all, so what the Hell. Then I got to thinking that it being the end of the world, there wouldn’t be any contraceptives and I knew I didn’t want to be having a baby in a world with no hospitals or orphanages, so I decided I’d just make out with him a little. About that time there was a rustling in some bushes and Daniel Craig was all “There he is! C’mere Help.” and I looked and a fucked up coyote looking beast with mange and two heads lumbered out from behind the bushes. “Damn, Daniel Craig, that’s one fucked up looking dog.” ”Yes, he was born after the war so he’s not too pretty.” That’s when I knew I’d made a good decision not to make sweet love to him. He asked me to pick Help up and put him on his lap in the saddle and I was thinking “Goddamn, I don’t want to touch that thing” but I kind of still wanted to make out with him later so I got down from my horse. When I picked Help up he started struggling and snapping at me with his two mouths and I was all scared I was going to get nuclear rabies, but I was determined to get the damn thing up to him so Daniel Craig and I could at least make out later. As I went to lift the beast I slipped back and he was all in my face and I remember thinking how foul smelling the “dog” was, like he was just a ball of dead fish inside a sack of mangy fur, and then my mouth was all full of that mangy fur, and I started choking and gasping for air. That’s where I woke up and discovered Thelma was laying right up against my head with her ass half on my face. She had eaten some canned cat food earlier that day. Tuna flavored cat food. FML.
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79 Responses to I’m too sleep deprived to think of a good title for this entry so I’ll just go with ‘Thank God It’s Friday.’
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Damn, girl! You have some weird dreams!!
I really do.
WooooooW! no wonder you’ve been so exhausted during the day…. You are very busy at nite when you should be sleeping….
Not as busy as I wanna be in them though.
Nice choice of leading men… I wish I had your dreams.
Nah, you don’t. I never get to make out with them, and all my other dreams involve midgets and murder and sometimes sock puppets.
Damn Gurl! What kinda drugs did you say you were takin? Its Friday night and I could be there in about 12 hours.. would you share? I want me some Daniel Craig !
Sure, but he comes with a fucked up two-headed mangy dog.
Thelma was just sharing and telling you how much she loves you. Mmmmm canned tuna fish…Yikes!
More like “pew.”
LOL! Damn that Thelma! You could have made out with Daniel Craig!!
She probably saved me from making a two-headed baby.
He is HOT. I’m glad I’m not the only one that dreams of celebrities all the time.
AND I NEVER GET TO MAKE OUT WITH THEM. Must be a metaphor.
No, thats just J intercepting your dreams with his nazi mind skills. His only nazi mind skills
So he went all “Inception” on me, eh?
exactly. he will deny it if asked!
I wonder if thelma planned this all along. First on your banner disaproving everything and now your hawt man dream.
You know, I never thought of that…she just may have…
I had a two-headed dog dream once. It ended when I pulled the trigger. Woke up in a cold sweat.
Well, I wasn’t about to kill the man I wanted to make out with’s dog in front of him. That would have certainly killed my chances.
Nothing wrong with thinking ahead.
LMAO Holy Shit . Can’t stop lauging ! fuck this , we’re eloping , i’ll be there this weekend .
You don’t have a fucked up, mangy, two-headed dog do you?
He IS a 2 headed dog! roflmao
Hi Dustin! Im glad you posted, she is a fucking riot!
Laura, he’s a friend from fb. Ive been pimping ya, but few will comment!
Most people don’t comment! What’s up with that? Oh, and Hi Dustin!
Hmmm… maybe pay per view/read? LOL
HA! Then there’d be crickets all up in here.
Daniel Craig?? You realize what you’re doing, right?
YOU ARE CHEATING ON YOUR BOO IN YOUR DREAMS!!
Oh, the inhumanity!!
I am an imaginary whore with lots of imaginary boyfriends.
Lets analyze this dream:
* Daniel Craig = I realize I’m not going to get any action from Clooney
* 2-headed Dog = I am divided on Craig versus Clooney (and there is a cats ass on my face)
* Holstered weapon = I forgot my taser
* Obsession with nailing Craig = J needs to step up
In summary…no more Circus Peanuts before bedtime.
NEVER!!!!
Nickster, I like how you think!
Jena…you are in the minority. Most of the time I tell people my pen name is Laura and I have this blog and after they check it out, they don’t F with me.
I had a post apocalyptic world dream a year ago after a series of bad dreams. I asked my doctor if my medication was causing the bad dreams. With his Korean accent,he said: “Your cholesterol medication isn’t supposed to cause bad dreams”, and added “You know-ho, you need to keep taking your medicine” and made some notes in my chart.
Maybe I should ask my therapist what it means.
He called you a Ho!!
I never thought of it that way. Considering he says the same thing to my wife, I can only wonder how many people he’s called “Ho”.
You should call him on it.
I’m glad I’m not the only virtual harlot (a Queen cannot be a whore!)Daniel Craig is pretty high on the list of people who I would invite into the royal bedchambers!
Severus and Perry get into my dreams…. when they sleep on my pillow, their purring sounds like engines and makes me dream of motorboats, planes etc….
And they don’t lay on your head?
Maybe you need MORE circus peanuts before bedtime! It might give you a dream about making out with a celebrity in an amusement park!
Oooooo that would be fun as long as clowns aren’t involved.
The only post-apocolyptic dream I ever had involved a spider that I was supposed to nurture and care for. Apparently, if it died the world would crash into the sun or some such crap. It lived in a match box. When I went to feed it, it jumped out and crawled down my shirtfront. I had no choice–I had to kill the sucker. Sorry all.
HAHAH! I would have done the same thing!
Well Laura, it could have been worse; it could have been Jack giving you kisses after he’d eaten the tuna-flavored Zagnuts from Thelma’s box.
Talk about nuclear rabies.
Dude, I learned a loooong time ago you block a cat’s litter box off from any dog. They be loving cat tootsie rolls big time.
LOL…disgusting !
I KNOW!!!
I love you! There have been SO many times I’ve woken up with cat ass in my face, I’ve lost count!
Yeah… misery loves company.
But Daniel Craig is hot.
OH MY GOD I’d like to have a dollar for every time I wake up with a cat on my face trying to smother me. Murderous assholes!
And yes, Daniel Craig is hot indeed.
Sean once had a red razberry mark from a cats ass… true!
HAHAHA!
ROFL!!! Gross, but funny nonetheless!
It is gross.
Hmm, I guess he’s hot enough that I’ll forgive him for the terrible acting that he did in the Bond movie.
I never saw it. I really never cared for any Bond movie so I maybe saw part of one years ago. He’s a nice looking man though.
I seldom dream about celebrities, although Gillian Anderson appeared a couple of times back when the X-Files was big. And I’ve seen Trey Parker and Matt Stone more than once, but there was never any inclination to make out with them. At least from my side of the scenario.
I’m pretty much a celebrity whore in my dreams I think. I always want to make out with them BUT NEVER GET THE CHANCE.
LMAO, as usual….
Loving the use of the full name, Daniel Craig, repeatedly.
Fuck, now Imma be thinking about Daniel Craig all day!
Love him HARD since he publicly called out the Kartrashian clan.
OH MY GOD I laughed so hard when he called them retarded. HA!
Soylent Green’s got a point.
Does Jack ever go treasure hunting in the cat box ?
Back to dreaming when you own cats:
One time my BIL said he was dreaming that he was being crushed and it was harder and harder to breathe.
Yes, he woke up on his back with both of his cats (about 18 lbs. each) laying on his belly and chest.
Cats are murderous I’m tellin’ ya!
Animal Assholes anytime soon? Please?
Ha! Soon.
Well, what a crappy end to that dream. It started out bad as well but got soooo promising with Daniel Craig. I’m drepressed now. HA!
PS – Themlma WOULD be impressed with me. I’m sure if it.
I bet she would be tooo, but disappointed in you because you don’t like cupcakes.
I feel your pain. I never get to do the nasty with any of the rare celebs in my dreams. I always wake up. I suppose the thought of wild monkey sex with Angelina is much too thrilling to sleep through.
And, thank your lucky stars, you didn’t have cat hurl instead of ass in your face. Fact.
Oh God I know right? I will step in a yakked up mess occassionally because they always seem to hurl those hairballs in my path! Sonsabitches.
I have those post apocky dreams all the time. Enough that I could practically call them recurring. Though mine never feature hot celebs. Mainly ninjas and mutants chasing me while I to corral multiple cats (and sometimes a guinea pig) to escape from a fire the sonsabitches started to smoke me out. I probably watch too much tv and don’t have chirren to stress about so I sub my cats… It’s a sad little life, but it’s mine.
HA! Not a sad life at all. Gimmee tv watchin’ and cats any day over chirrens.
The question being, will Daniel Craig want to make out with you after you handled his mangy, ugly dog? And why the heck can’t the dog walk?
I never questioned these things because I was too concerned with making out!
You know, I looked up at the site banner and all I could think was “Man, I’m so glad Laura used a picture of Thelma facing this way!”
Ha! Cat butt is gross.
Here’s a .50 caliber take-down you’re sure to enjoy!
http://thelibertyzone.wordpress.com/2012/02/09/want-to-stir-the-pot-you-got-it/
(The term “twatwaffle” makes an appearance in the comments…)
What a dim-witted dumbass. I see she removed her blog. How dare ANYONE say that a person that puts on a uniform and puts their life in danger for their country isn’t a soldier.
OMG. That tiny bat is teh squee!
I know, right?! You could carry it around all day long. “Look at my bat!”