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Australia tried to assassinate me. | Fetch My Flying Monkeys
Everyone needs a fleet of flying monkeys to rip the stuffing out of the annoying people in their lives
— Laura

Sunday night I got very sick. It felt like my liver and pancreas had both exploded at the same time. At first I thought it was the booze, but then I remembered I hadn’t been drinking! (I know, right?!) I was becoming concerned and thought about driving myself to the hospital, but I knew I’d never make it. I was that sick. As I lay on the couch holding my abdomen, moaning and wondering when my other organs would fail, I started bargaining with God. I told Him if He’d jump start my organs and let me live I’d change my life. I’d stop wanting to harm people. I’d be more patient and understanding of others. And if He’d just make the pain go away I’d start taking better care of myself. I’d stop drinking and eating crappy food. I’d start exercising instead of wasting all my spare time on the Internet. Just as I said I would up the ante by telling Him that if He’d just make me better I’d stop cussing, I felt an urgency beyond belief in my gut and I ran for the bathroom. It was in the bathroom that I realized I wasn’t in organ failure at all, but was suffering the horrible effects of a “Bloomin’ Onion” from Outback Steakhouse.

So now here I sit, drinking a gin and tonic, a bag of Circus Peanuts by my side, marveling at how precious life is as I’m dreaming about throwing a fucking Molotov cocktail through the window of a certain steakhouse while googling pictures of baby lambs for hours and hours.

63 Comments
 

63 Responses to Australia tried to assassinate me.

  1. Suzanne says:

    Blooming onion, indeed. More like the trojan horse of food products. Bastards.

  2. Yabu says:

    Those “Bloomin’ Onions” from Outback will fuck you up. Been there. You should send this post to ‘em and demand extort payment or else you will go public with it, but they’d prolly just give you a Bloomer a day until you went away…like dead away.

    Speaking of cocktails, the last time I was in an Outback I ordered a Manhattan, and the bar tender had no idea what that was. She was waiting for the punch line.

  3. Heather says:

    LOL! I am glad you’re feeling better! Now start blogging every day! I miss it when you don’t blog!!

  4. Jennifer says:

    OH MY GOD THAT LAMB IS SOOOOOO CUTE!! Does this mean you want a lamb AND a goat?

    • Laura says:

      While I am certain I would take a baby lamb if I won one on the Price Is Right, I want my baby goat more. Besides I google all sorts of animals all the time. J says I’m obsessive. I say he’s a Nazi.

  5. Nothing like a good purgative to drive out all the demons and leave the place all swept and clean for a new set! (To coin a dubious metaphor.)

    The Bloomin’ Onion Exorcism must be followed by 40 days of pure water and organic yogurt from Tibetan yaks in order for the repentance to actually make it past the next bag of circus peanuts.

  6. Sophia says:

    The Price is Right isn’t cool enough to give away baby lambs and goats. You have to go on “Let’s Make a Deal”. I’m sure Wayne Brady would be happy to give you one of each!

  7. Jess says:

    Those bloomin’onions can blow can blow a new hole in your bloomin’ ass.

    Personally, I think the special effects guy for “Alien” ate a bloomin’ onion the night before he came up with the little monster that chewed its way out of John Hurt. It was that, or it just hated noodles.

  8. LeeAnn says:

    Off topic, you were mentioned yesterday at the CardHole. One of the stock-don’t-call-me-boys dropped an entire case of Circus Peanuts and then rolled over it with that bigass pallet-lifting thingy.
    “You made the baby Laura cry.” I told him.
    No reaction. Smite him, won’t you?

  9. QueenBee says:

    First- when I am Queen of the World- there will be no Outback Steakhouse- take that you stinkin’ poisonous onions!
    Second- That baby lamb is about the cutest thing I have ever seen!

  10. Jena says:

    Now that is a SQUEE pic! OMG thats so cute!

    Im glad you are feeling better and since your deal with God wasn’t written in blood, it wasn’t a sealed deal.

  11. Tink says:

    OMG I WANT ONE!!!! No, not a bloomin onion…a Lambie! but I would like to add, I had a friend who worked @ an Outback Steakhouse. They use so much tenderizer it’s like eating a steak covered with X-lax…ugggg. Does a real job on your digestive system…..

  12. Paul G says:

    As cute as that lamb is, I’ve butchered and eaten far too many lambs to ignore how incredibly delicious they are… I don’t think The Price Is Right will give you a lamb if they know you’re going to eat it.

  13. Fluffy says:

    When I was a kid, I’d ask my parent to take me to Outback, because I was curious, but they never did. Now I wonder if they knew!

  14. SB Smith says:

    Our Outback is the ONE restaurant that consistantly cooks Victoria’s Filet “very rare” correctly.
    Sometimes I say “Just bring it out on a leash.”
    (95% of the time, we get Take-Away – we don’t eat there.)
    Most restaurants overcook filets when I order them.
    I like the Coconut Shrimp appetizer, too.
    Laura, did you split that Bloomin’ Onion with J. ?
    You didn’t tell us how much you ate.
    I’ve never had a whole Bloomin’ Onion to myself !
    Maybe they should call it Bloomin’ Crack, cause you don’t want to Stop Eating It !
    Must be some diabolical plot for Australia to take over the USA.

  15. LusherLaRue says:

    Never trust a bloomin’ onion. I ate one, had a horrible gallbladder attack and then had to have my gallbladder cut out. Maybe our military should use bloomin’ onions as weapons instead of bombs and bullets.

  16. LusherLaRue says:

    I took 3 years of French in Junior High. Little did I know what the future would bring.

  17. Tami says:

    Was so worried when I saw your title but for the record…I’m from Australia and that Bloomin’ Onion is all the doing of the Americans. It is not a menu item you will find in Australia. So relieved my fellow countrymen don’t really have it out for you!

    • Laura says:

      I figured it was completely American once I saw the fat content. HA! Oooo I love Australia, by the way. I wondered why they had it out for me.

  18. laughingmom says:

    I had a baby after a meal at Outback – truly!! It was my birthday and I didn’t even make it to get my free sundae. This sounds like a potential lawsuit for you – pain and suffering to be paid in the form of baby goats, perhaps?

  19. Laura everything in Australia is supposed to kill you; Tasmanian Devils, sharks, spiders, snakes, sheep farmers…Fosters.

    I never had a problem with the onions though–and they go quite well with lamb.

  20. Pug Mahon says:

    Hey! That’s Private Charles Lamb, Radar’s little brother!

  21. Nicole says:

    That is too stinkin’ precious for words. The lamb, that is, not the gut bomb.

  22. Stephen R. says:

    Australia tried to assassinate me too. It was the shrimp though.

  23. The Nickster says:

    Clearly you are pregnant. I would suggest you name the child “Damien J.” and get the phone number of the local parish on your speed dial. EOM.

  24. mindy says:

    They should call it the Bloomin’ Rectum.

    You should watch the Brain Regan skit where he gets sick and drives himself to the hospital because he feels “weird” about calling 911 and having an ambulance come and pick him up….

    His facial expressions alone are worth it.

  25. mindy says:

    Yeah, I meant Brian Regan, not “Brain”. I gots good spellin’ skilz.

  26. SB Smith says:

    Oh my….that little baby goat can’t be more than a couple days old !
    Too cute for words.

  27. SB Smith says:

    Oh No !
    Say a prayer for my J.
    I was ordering take-away from our Outrback and J. says “Get me a Bloomin’ Onion”…..He knows I’m restricting carbs big time (I’ve lost 35 lbs. since Nov. 4th)…..so he’ll be eating 90% of the Bloomin’ Onion ! …..Oh dear…

  28. That lamb is cute. But it also looks a little anorexic. Maybe it’s just the angle because I’m pretty sure baby lambs can’t be anorexic. Did I just say baby lamb? Is that redundant? You said it first, so it must be ok.

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