Everyone needs a fleet of flying monkeys to rip the stuffing out of the annoying people in their lives
— Laura
I’ve been busy politickin’ and by “busy politickin” I mean “drinking lots of gin and tonics and planning my debate strategy.” In case you’re wondering, my friends and I have been running in Shandon every morning, hungover but still hell-bent on vigilante justice. There has been no wiener-whacking perv sighting, but we may or may not have seen a deformed, hunchbacked, rabid possum the size of a German Shepard one morning. Or maybe it was a deformed, hunchbacked, rabid German Shepard. Now that I think about it semi-sober, I think it may have been a kid wearing a backpack waiting for a school bus. Either way, it was frightening as fuck.
Now here’s a rendering of my debate strategy:
*BAM* *BAM* *BAM* Debate over. I win, motherfuckers!
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72 Responses to I was told that before I could cage fight debate Obama I had to debate the Republican candidates.
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LMAOOOO! Girl, your blog makes my day!
You need better days. Ha!
Kids wearing backpacks are frightening as fuck!
I wish all debates were like that!
I do too then I wouldn’t mind my shows being interrupted for them as much.
It’s really hard to run with that gin and tonic in your hands. BTW, great debate strategy. I’m sure you will win
Tell me about it! I hope I do, this country needs me.
And Heels
There have not been any more sightings in Shandon for the last few days so he is about to pop out again. It’s been a good week or so since he was last seen or at least reported.I hope you gals catch him. I saw a movie last night where this guy got tasered. IT WAS AWESOME! I hope you aim for the gonads. this guy needs to be leveled…..before he moves to the “Next” phase. what ever that would be. shit this is scary. Be careful… HEY! We may get to see all three of you on the 10 o’clock news…. cant wait! good hunting!
And all three of us will be smiling all big and shit and talking trash. Ha!
When you do tape the TV segment, make sure you make reference to your trailer. Better yet, tape the segment in front of a yard with abandoned vehicles.
That would be cool! I’d have to rent one…easy enough around here. Is yours available?
Let me ask my “old man” first to make sure he isn’t having a cook out any time soon. Hell, we will even put a new sheet on the front porch couch for you!
We’ll do the photo shoot while he’s having the cookout! I just hope there will be plenty of mullets. I want to appeal to the wreslin’ and NASCAR voters.
Lurv the rendering. That is really all they have been doing to each other anyway. What a total waist of time. LETS GET SOME GOOD PEOPLE IN HERE !!!!! WTF! Laura, with all seriousness and sencerity.. I really do believe you could beat all these career jerk politicians… GO GIRL!
I’d like to beat them all. Seriously.
I think that has been tried… was it on Jerry Springer? But I’m all for whacking that bunch over the head with some chairs so…. you go gurl.
LAURA! LAURA! LAURA! YES SHE CAN – rule the world, drink lots of gin, haz George(though why she wants him I still don’t understand), establish the Institute of Stick Science, and toss bacon to the masses!
I will make a place for you in my Cabinet. Just don’t touch the gin in there.
I aint’ ashamed to admit to being a 18+ year Springer fan. Yes, one side of a love triangle did whack the other on the head with a chair. But it wasn’t a folding chair. Steve and Jimmy I broke up the fight. Yep! I know my shit.
Then I’ll give you a job in the Defense Department.
I like it….sensible violence and BACON!!! Don’t you withdraw the free bacon….Oh, and could you whack Newt TWICE while you’ve got the chair handy and all?
Merci Beaucoup and bacon love, you magnificent Sonsabitch!
No problem and de rien. OMG I’m speaking French- someone hit me with a chair! HA!
I offer my services to provide you with a “little” more than a “church” chair. We’re gonna need it!
Oh. I’ll take care of all the sonsabitches once elected and I have troops and nuclear weapons at my disposal. (insert maniacal laughter here.)
Ya know, the wiener whacker might not show with y’all in a group. one of y’all might have to run ahead of the pack to fool him.
Hmmm like a decoy, perhaps with a boob plopped out of her sports bra top?
Or jogging wearing a sports bra and a thong!
Yeah, let me know where that’s going to be. It may be worth a tasing.
For reals.
Good plan. Take out Newt first. I hear he’s a scrapper.
Yeah, he’s got that crazy eyed look about him so I’d definitely take him out first.
Wait… you mean that ISN’T how you’re s’posed to debate?
Imagine my surprise when J told me it wasn’t!!
But have you seen the Romneyizer from Slate? He crushes most of our heads before dinner!
http://goo.gl/pPFDV
Okay, I am going to have to click that when I get home.
I am totally voting for you. BTW, when are you going to develop the Laura for Prez button we can all put on our blogs to show our support? And, you need real buttons to pin on all the pervs you rehabilitate in the park. If you wanna win, you can’t rely on just the strength of your chair swinging arm and the promise of bacon. You need to keep your face fresh in the public eye. You need your picture with a chair held majestically aloft in one hand cradling a bacon sandwich in the other on billboards everywhere. Geesh! Your campaign manager must be really drunk to not have realized this yet.
I think he does heroin. I really do.
You have no idea how much I want you to beat all of the presidential candidates! Both literally and figuratively!
Me too.
Somehow I think Newt would be shocked at your lack of debate etiquette. For all the good that would do him – he’d be out cold seconds later along with all the other sunsabitches. They all need a little shaking up of their worlds – you go, girl!
Don’t they though.
You Cage fighting obama…..
BWA ha ha ha ha
He’s toast.
I think I could take him.
FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!
I believe this is the kind of president you would be: http://youtu.be/ueu-F0uFXn8
And if that’s so, you know I’d vote for you.
HAHAH! “And then re-elected him.”
“wiener-whacking perv sighting, but we may or may not have seen a deformed, hunchbacked, rabid possum the size of a German Shepard” Sounds like Newt Gingrich. I think you need to stop polluting your gin with tonic and just guzzle it straight up instead.
I may or may not be back from the brink of death so brace yourself for more commentary from what my brother in law describes as “the endless cartoon show inside my head”.
Ha! I hope you’re feeling better!!
That’s the kind of debate we need, it would be refreshing.
“It’s your room, Madam President.” (except if it were your room I’d expect to see moar T-rex)
And there would be.
It wasn’t a kid wearing a backpack, it was Oprah. FACT.
That would have been even more frightening.
FACT.
In preparation for “whoever wins” the election….I bought a SIG SAUER semi automatic yesterday and put it’s glorious photo on my blog.
If I could, I’d hump it.
We’re all gonna need to cover our own asses in the future.
Ha! Just be sure it’s not loaded first before you hump it.
I like a good debate!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WZmlBTgaLEI
Wow Look how young Travolta is!
Look how young James Woods is!
I miss u so much when you are not here. I hope u r having a great weekend. hope 2 c u soon.
I love my weekends and I get too lazy to write.
I think your debate strategy can also be a foreign policy strategy. You’re one step ahead of the game.
I know my politics.
So. How was Florida?
Ha! A breeze.
LAAAAUUURRRAAA! Where are youuuuu??? Hope your rabies hasn’t brought you low… or maybe the FBI has you under serious house arrest for shaking a chair over the other candidates heads?
That’s it, isn’t it? You’re being investigated.
That does it! You’re a SHOO-IN! LAURA FOR PRESIDENT!
YES! LAURA FOR PRESIDENT!!
Two things.
1) OMG IT’S BEEN, LIKE, THREE DAYS SINCE YOU LAST POSTED!!! WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?! DID THE RABIES GET YOU?? I hope not. It was though, wasn’t it? It was the rabies. Damn rabies anyway.
and
2) Do I hear write in campaign? My hubby is totally for it, especially since I told him about your platform of free bacon and bombing France. He didn’t understand about George Cloony though. I think it’s because my hubby is crazy. But, what can you do?
Most men say they don’t get the Clooney thing…but they do.
And I have been busy and under the weather.
VOTE FOR ME!
I think George is funny looking. My wife does not think he is hot, which puts her in a minority among women (she is a Mark Harmon girl). But, I do admit a totally non-gay affection for him, because he does comedy so fuck-all well. He and the Coen brothers are fucking wicked awesome.
Brother Where Art Thou?: Best Clooney film evah.
Oh France has GOT TO GO!! Did you watch the SAG Awards last night? Clooney was ROBBED….BY A FRENCHMAN!! DANG!!
I KNOW!!! *BOOM!*
Your expression in the pic is so neutral. Somehow I expected more. Yes, I realize it’s a stick figure. Still.
You can’t show your rage and disgust on national television. I gotta keep something for after the election.